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londonchris
31-03-11, 13:13
Hi all,

I've been reading here for a long time now and have been scared, inspired and reassured in equal measure! I thought it was time to add my story to the fire. It's not a hundred percent a success story unfortunately, but neither is it a story of intense dispair. Either way I hope it helps/reassures someone somewhere, I hope some people can relate, and I hope people realise they are not alone.

My story begins in October 2008. I was 21 years old, got my first permanent job three months previously, and was about to travel to Rome with my girlfriend on our first holiday together. To say things were great is an understatement, life was everything I was hoping, I was healthy, had enough money to be comfortable, a stable household, a job, a family and friends.

The flight out to Rome was fine, the holiday great but very very busy and mildly stressful obviously, the flight home was horrific - I've never felt so much turbulence in my life. The moment we touched down was the moment I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

We arrived home on the Saturday, had Sunday off and were back to work on the Monday, so it was go, go, go with the washing and ironing and preparation.

Back at work, winter was settling in and the weather was a shock after the gorgeous warm weather we experienced in Rome.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I believe it all played an impact on me developing anxiety. My first permanent job was an exciting but stressful time, the holiday nice of course but very very busy and tiring, the flight home very stressful, the weekend busy and back to work stressful as always! Not to mention the sudden shock of cold weather after being in a warm climate, the tension in our body that this brings, and the low of returning to the real world after such a nice time away.

All of this put together resulted in me experiencing what I now know to be Ventricular Ectopic Beats. Most people have experienced them at one time or another, although most dont feel it. Anyone who has felt it will know it's like a missed beat and when you don't know what it is, it can be very scary.

I remember the cold dark weeks went past in a bit of a haze. As I felt them, I panicked. The ectopic feels like a thud but your fearful response means the thud turns into a more drawn out sense of pure dread. It's a horrible feeling and I still get it now to an extent.

I went to the doctors and they reassured me. "There's nothing wrong with your heart. It's not missing beats, it's just beating slightly early, which is what results in the thud feeling. You need to not worry about it and it should go away on its own. You're too young to have heart disease. We'll check your blood for a thyroid problem - but generally you have nothing to worry about and are in excellent health."

My first thought was, how can this doctor know for sure there's nothing wrong? I haven't had an echo or an ECG or stress test. Sure I had a blood test for Hyperthyroidism but I'm talking about my heart that's missing beats. I went home still very uneasy, still having these funny beats.

Back at work, and I had all day at a computer to dwell on my symptoms. Dwelling on them is the worst thing you can do as obviously you're constantly alert for anything going on in your body. Every little chest pain (indigestion, stress, muscle tension, trapped wind etc etc etc...) was a heart pain and panic began to set in.

One night I was lying in bed working myself up about it. I thought I was feeling things which were not even there. I was on a constant state of high alert - ready to feel the slightest twitch. Of course it's only natural that this makes us tense, makes our hands sweat, our muscles ache, our head hurt, our chests tighten. One ectopic beat was all it took to set me off into a full blown panic attack.

One small stupid ectopic led to a full blown panic attack, a horrible cycle of adrenaline and fear and more adrenaline and more fear. I went into the bathroom, still panicking, heart racing because of my fear, still panicking about my heart racing more, heart racing more because I'm still panicking. I filled up the sink and dunked my head. The freezing cold water helped me. It cools you down, shocks your system into stopping and siezing up and the cold takes your mind off your racing heart and breaks the cycle.

All it took was a break of that cycle to stop the panic attack. I quickly realised what had happened, and fortunately I haven't had one since, because as soon as I feel one possibly coming on or start to get a bit panicky, I'll get up and do something, distract myself and take my mind off it. Break the cycle before it starts.

Nonetheless at the time it was a very scary experience. The ectopics continued, and I worried more as the doctor had clearly missed something if they kept happening. Looking back, you realise in a way how easily you've been duped by your mind and body. If only I knew now what I knew then, but now it's too late, I'm well and truly caught in the trap.

One day I was at work and had a few ectopics in the morning. I was tired anyway and felt a little ill, and the ectopics got me more than usual. I went home sick and lay on the bed feeling sorry for myself. This constant dwelling had taken its toll. I was exhausted, physically and mentally run down and panic and stress and worry and tension and fear came easily to me that day. In the end, I went to A&E. They did an ECG which showed nothing and sent me on my way again with a few words to the extent of there's nothing wrong with you.

The problem with anxiety is very few people will explain it to you properly. A doctor is there to diagnose a problem from the symptoms you describe, and having diagnosed anxiety there are few who will be able to explain it to you without referring you to a CBT.

As such, the doctors I saw basically said there's nothing wrong with you, it's just anxiety, and sent me on my way. That is obviously not very helpful to an anxiety sufferer. The point is they've been told there's nothing wrong, but they think something has been missed, or the doctor is witholding some information from them. If a doctor had properly explained anxiety to me and the way it affects you back when I first got my symptoms, it would have stopped me wasting three of the best years of my life.

My anxiety continued throughout the winter of 2008, and developed to include other things such as nausea, headaches, constant aches in my chest and arms. It was like an ever increasing circle of hell.

In early 2009 I pursuaded my doctor to send me to do a 24 hour holter test. I had the beats throughout the next day, and the results came back within a couple of weeks. "You have benign ventricular ectopic beats and should be reassured. Your heart is fine."

This was the first proper reassurance I'd had. The cardiologist had seen the tape, had actually seen the beats I'd been experiencing, and diagnosed them.

However, this was almost a year later, and by that time, with all the other symptoms, my anxiety was in full flow.

Over time, I learned that I needed to let myself calm down, and I'd come out of my anxiety for a while. I wouldn't have an ectopic beat for a week, and I'd feel relatively stress free. But generally speaking it was always there in the background one way or another.

Some days I'd go to football and watch my team play, a favourite activity prior to my illness, and it would be hell. I'd feel sick all day, have diarreah, feel tense. I couldn't sing or shout because this would trigger off ectopics. I'd be tired and drained on the way home and this would give me more ectopics.

To cut what's turning into a very long story short, the ectopics never went away. I knew what they were, some days were better than others, some months better than others. I was up and down like a yoyo. Months of relative comfort would pass where I'd think I finally got over them, then one ectopic beat or a bad day later and I was plunged back into despair.

I got very distant and everything seemed a blur. Luckily I'm still with my very loving and understanding girlfriend. Lately, I've been getting ectopics due to tiredness. But in addition I've been having problems with acid reflux and indigestion, especially in the morning.

However, I recently read Claire Weekes' book and it's helped no end. This isn't one very long book review, I just find that this is the first of many many books on the subject which has actually helped me out. It explained that it's just sensitive nerves which are reacting to an increase in adrenaline and that instead of fighting my symptoms I have to ignore them.

It all fell into place and to be honest I wish I'd read it years ago. For almost three years I've been fighting this off, trying to get rid of the symptoms through all sorts of weird and wonderful methods, spending loads of money in the process. All I needed to do was just allow the symptoms to happen and for my nerves to recover sufficiently.

All the while I was fighting, I was adding stress to stress, and adding to the "on edge" feeling I was having. Since I've started to accept the symptoms they don't seem as bad.

I'm having problems overcoming my fear of my symptoms completely. At the end of the day, a "skipped" beat is a horrible feeling even if you know it's harmless. I've had them for two years and it's really difficult, but slowly but surely I'm pulling myself out of this pit of despair and I hope others can relate to my story and can pull themselves out of their personal hell before it gets too bad.

I really recommend Claire Weekes' book, it's a bit old fashioned but really helped me. It's like a eureka moment. It won't solve the problem for you, you still need to do the legwork, but if you're willing and corageous enough to do it then there's no reason why you wont succeed. We all know deep down we have anxiety, and yet we all still fear our symptoms. What we often dont realise is this constant fear and stress is causing the symptoms in the first place.

There's still a long way to go and I'm only at the start of my journey. However, I'm more optimistic than I've been for a long time and me and my girlfriend are returning to Rome next week so lets hope it all starts and ends there :-)

Sorry it's a long story. I guess when so much has happened in so short a space of time you get carried away. Either way, I wanted to include as much of it as possible as I hope people will find it useful, reassuring or even inspiring in their own struggle.

Chris

JT69
09-04-11, 18:40
Hi Chris,

I suffer with these occasionally and totally get exactly what you say...your story in very interesting to others that suffer and will help. At least we are not alone. It is hard though even when you know there is nothing wrong to convince yourself other wise.

Encouraging post!!!

Good luck in Rome....you will be fine!!!

Jo.xx

Veronica H
10-04-11, 00:09
:bighug1:so pleased for you Chris. Thanks for the positive post. Have a great time in Rome both of you.

xV