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feege
10-04-06, 06:05
Does anybody else get really bad palpitations which seem to be associatted with a (sorry) bowel movement?

This has been a persistent theme for me for years. I have had a really bad night, and the palps seem to be building up until I pass a movement (really intensify while I do - very frightening).

It's not constipation though.

I'm having a terrible night tonight... hardly slept at all. It always seems to happen when I go to bed quite relaxed, doze off and then am woken either by tummy ache or palpitations or both. I can't get the palpitatons to settle down properly at all. I have such a dry mouth too.

I had a drink last night (just a couple) and I am taking ranitidine for my severe indigestion. But this is something that has happened to me periodially for years and years.

I feel so bad and just don't know what to do, as I feel like it's building up again.
:(:(:(

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
10-04-06, 06:44
I'm wondering if I am now allergic to alcohol. I've never been a big drinker, but enjoyed a drink at the weekend, not more than 3 or 4 for years.

I know lots of other people say they can't drink - what effect does it have on you?

I also saw the link posted on the panic attacks board : http://www.hastingspress.co.uk/hypo/

Which might explain some of it - has anyone else considered/looked into this?

I am feeling a little better (been to the loo yet again!) which is the usual pattern although tonight's 'attack' has been spectacular - I really really thought I might die on the loo - what a fitting way for me to go!!!

I'm absolutely exhausted and will not be drinking again!!

Oh and the other thing I'm suspicious of is salt. I really enjoyed my sunday lunch but a friend that joined us and ate after I had finished today said it was incredibly salty. I have always loved salt and cut it almost out of my diet and said at the time "maybe that's my problem".

It would be so wonderful to find a simple medical/food related cause that I could do something about! I will never really understand how you can go to sleep feeling relaxed and be woken by these sort of symptoms!

Hoping I might get some sleep soon.

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
10-04-06, 13:13
Hi Fee,

Aww big (((((hugs))))) mate. I hope you're feeling better now.

Can't say I've had the palps with a bm that I can remember (will probably now that I've read about it!), I probably have if I'm already palping when I go to the loo. This is going to sound gross but I think if you have to strain a little to go to the loo, that could quite easily bring on a palp, or maybe just the fact your tummy was playing up.If tummys are full and boated that can cause palps. Sorry can't help more on that.

I certainly think alcohol plays a large part in anxiety symptoms, especially in ME patients. Most ME patiens can't tolerate alcohol at all. I can't even have it in a sauce or a pudding, I feel very ill afterwards. Thankfully I didn't drink before ME so it's not a problem. Caffeine is another big palp causer, I stopped drinking tea or coffee completely (not even decaff as that contain a small amount of caffeine!) about 3 years ago. I'm not sure about salt but I avoid it anyway and my nutritionist said never to add it to anything, which I've never done. There is enough sodium naturally in things to make sure we get enough. I think the only thing I now eat that can make me a bit jittery is chocolate due to the caffeine.

Really hope you're feeling better now.

Lisa x

Piglet
10-04-06, 16:46
Fee I have answered the post about the blood sugar levels - I have always said to anyone who would listen that I am sure I am borderline diabetic!!!!!!!

Had a weak and trembly day myself today (bored Lis to death with it on her thread).

You can have a big squeeze, albeit not at my normal shot putt strength.

Love Piglet xxxx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
10-04-06, 17:28
Thanks Lisa and Piglet

I'm being very stubborn and stupid and not facing the fact that I can't have a drink. I have such a problem with wanting to appear 'normal' - not to other people really, but to myself. I just can't stand thinking of myself as 'sensitive' or 'sick' so at the drop of a hat I just forget how bad I have been - and make myself worse again!! I have to address my diet issues, give up drinking and smoking, do the exclusion diet etc etc. I hope CBT will help me do this, focus and keep a lid on.

M&S are coming down tonight and I feel very very tense on top of exhausted and a bad tummy. They will come late tonight and stay at mum's and I'll see them tomorrow. Ridiculous - I don't feel excited at all - just like crying. Then Wednesday I am going up to London for us to have a meeting about the campaign. My friend is driving up with me - well she's been involved anyway. I'm terrified. Will have to deal with my ex on top of everything else.... I feel utterly overwhelmed today and just want to hide away. I hope my tummy settles and I sleep tonight so I can cope. I had a list of chores to do today - bank stuff, was going into work with my certificate etc etc and wanted to swim and I haven't been able to do anything. I have no milk or bread in the house either. Well sorry for myself. And all out of stupidity. Again.

Ho hum. I will put it back together again as soon as my body recovers.

WELL DONE PIGLET!!!:D:D:D:D

You did really well today going into town and as for the queues in Primark AMAZING they're enough to put anyone in a spin[8D][8D]

You haven't been a well piglet for a few days - it was a huge amount to take on!! I think you deserve an especially nice mudbath in the pen tonight lol!!! I hope your snuffles are better tomorrow...

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
10-04-06, 17:58
Hi Fee,

I don't think it makes you not "normal" if you don't drink, many people don't drink for various reasons, even because they are driving sometimes. Not all normal people drink! Lol. I personally can go out with friends that are all drinking and have just as good (if not better) time than they are. You don't beat yourself up for not being able to eat gluten so why for alcohol. Theres nothing wrong with being sensitive or sick either, but I know what you mean there and of course we would prefer to be well and like everyone else (or how we think everyone else is), only most people we think of as normal have their own problems too, only we don't always know about it.
Try not to be so hard on yourself for today, this blip will pass.

Sounds like you have a busy few days coming up with CBT, M&S and London. I hope your CBT goes well tomorrow and that you enjoy seeing Sarah and Mark. Do tell them that I'm thinking of them and think they are amazing, and admire them for being so positive. Anyone can see how in love they are and that's rare these days.

I hope you have a good evening, thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Piglet
10-04-06, 18:28
Aww hun thank you - if it's any consolation at all I feel just the same today, in respect of finding things difficult and feeling physically crap at the same time.

You do have a lot on your plate mate and I totally understand that there are things to manage even if some of them are nice things. You so want to see Mark and Sarah but even the joy or pleasure at that means yet another emotion and you are a little emotioned out.

This is most likely because of the tum probs and not being sure what are triggers or not. I am now a very cautious alcohol drinker after being somewhat of a total drunkard in my youth.

I think these days its for several reasons, one I get scared of getting out of control whereas years ago that was a plus!!! Two it seems to make my heart race now and then. Three it does make me feel rubbish the next day.

I do still drink but its very infrequently now and in moderation only.

I don't know if being like this is normal or not but I have many friends of my own age and above who feel the same and aren't especially anxious.

I think you will feel better once you do actually see M&S on an emotional level but obviously the food thing does need some sort of management. I am again wonderin about the Udo's Oil as a gentle lining in your stomach. A little like honey can line a sore throat. Also I wondered did you ever try the Aloe Vera juice and one more thing what about something with lots of good bacteria. These are questions for the dietician really.

Dinners up so I better go.

Love Piglet xxxxxx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Karen
10-04-06, 20:33
Hi Fee

Sorry to hear you've had such a difficult day. It is not really surprising with all that you have going on at the moment and particularly this week.

I get palps when I eat and have had them on bm too, but then I abuse laxatives so I guess it's not surprising [:I].

The sooner you get an appointment with the dietician the better really. As Piglet mentioned, aloe vera is meant to be good for stomach problems.

I hope CBT goes well tomorrow and you enjoy your visit with Mark and Sarah. Good luck for London too.

We are all here holding your hand :).

Best wishes.

Karen

feege
10-04-06, 20:41
Thanks Piglet - no consolation really - don't like to think of you feeling pants too!!! Hope we both feel better tomorrow!

My tummy really really won't setle down. I have read up on the ranitidine and alcohol interferes with it so that's at least part of the explanation. I have logged a call with NHS cos I just don't know what to take when - I had 75mg this morning and want to take some more now, but I gave in and had gaviscon and rennies just over an hour ago. I can't keep the palps at bay either they keep coming and going and I have pains in my chest which are a little worrying...

oh god. NHS direct told me to go to A&E. I've phoned the emergency local doctors I so do not want to do that and I have phoned a friend and she is coming round. I can't do this now... M&S are on their way. Oh my god fullest blown panic attack go to go.

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
10-04-06, 20:46
Thinking of you Fee, can't stop or say much now as I keep vomiting and feeling faint when I do.

Hugs,

Lisa x

feege
10-04-06, 22:26
Thanks Karen and oh Lisa hun - will go and have a look at your place in a min... Pants day all round eh?

Well I managed to get to see the emergency doc with my friend not A&E - they scared the wits out of me and I completely spiralled, but pulled it back on the way to Doc's.

She gave me a pretty thorough check and didn't think anything heartlike, told me to take 2 or 3 Zantac (! 2 maybe... lol) and listened to my chest and took my temp (I got worried I might have an infection and then not be able to see Sarah) - so it all turned out very well! M&S arrived at mum's so we popped in and said hello! They looked so tired and are just going straight to bed - but hopefully we'll all feel ok tomorrow and spend a little bit of nice time together!

What a blooming palava (sp?). I'm so cross with myself for drinking last night I can't tell you. It just seems so silly now. Why on earth did I bother!

I'm going to pop over and say goodnight and take a sleeper and hope for the best.....

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
11-04-06, 00:08
Still feeling pretty miserable, can't relax properly and still have vague chest pains :(

I hope I can sleep and feel better tomorrow...

By the way how come whenever I'm up panicky everyone else is in bed lol!!!

love to you all xxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
11-04-06, 07:48
Hi Fee

Sounds like a nightmare evening for you but I am glad the check up helped to reassure you and that you saw Mark and Sarah briefly.

It is annoying that the alcohol might have caused this but I think it will all become a lot clearer once you get to see the dietician. I'm quite upset that my appointment with mine has been cancelled this week as she is the one health profession (in addition to my doctor) who actually listens.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">By the way how come whenever I'm up panicky everyone else is in bed lol!!! </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I wasn't in bed but not able to stay on here either. I was unfortunately rushing in and out of the bathroom [:I]. You can always text me though if you get like that and if I am up and around I could come online or we could chat.

I hope you have a lovely day with Mark and Sarah today.

Hugs Aunty Fee :D

Karen xx

feege
11-04-06, 08:02
Hi Karen

Well all of our tummys were bad then for different reasons...

Funny I never even thought of texting! But I dosed myself up and knocked myself out in the end! Slept 5 hours so manageable. Tummy still hurts but not so much.

Feeling pretty depressed today, don't know where I'll get the energy to see M&S today and get to CBT.

I just hope I can manage to get through today.

I hope you are (all) ok today xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
11-04-06, 11:17
Cor we are all abit of a jumble at the mo arn't we.

I feel worse again as regards the cold but not too bad in the old head department. Think I will just potter today and have lots of hot drinks.

Big hugs darlings and I hope we all feel better very soon.

Fee have a lovely time today mate.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
11-04-06, 17:56
Hi Piglet - yes we are aren't we - hope your stinky cold goes away very very soon.

I have just had my CBT. It was brilliant. I have bonded really well the the counsellor which I don't usually do and we got into some pretty deep stuff today - I suppose I am just so ready for it.

It has already really helped, my tummy and chest feel much better and I feel much more calm than I have for the last 48 hours. But I do still have horrid pains. (So it's not magic then[:I];)).

I hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
11-04-06, 18:03
Thats great that the CBT is working so well - nice one:D

I have got my telephone course again later and I am looking forward to it.

Feel a little better tonight but look a bit rough - got a nice cold sore brewing where I have been blowing my nose so much and look a bit dark eyed in a completely non attractive way.

Have you seen M&S today yet???

Big hugs

Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
11-04-06, 18:11
Hi Piglet - part of that message disappeared!!!

Yes - we had breakfast together at a nice cafe and then went into town (honestly Sarah is amazing - especially when it comes to shopping lol!). I managed to eat scrambed egg and salmon - Yum. And managed to buy a handbag and a watch (I broke mine at the 'gym' the other day). I don't know how I managed it, my tummy felt rotten and my chest was hurting and I was even struggling with my breathing - but I managed to enjoy it anyway which seems quite incredible! So great progress in all sorts of ways! Going out for dinner in about an hour with them - I will be so so tired though!

What a gruesome day though...

Now Piglet your body is telling you not to go snogging strangers lol:D

Where has the bloomin spring gone?

Just texted Lisa - bit worried about her....

Been a difficult time round here, we need some sun..

The CBT is looking so good - everyone should be able to get it free it would save the NHS fortunes!!!!

take care hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
11-04-06, 19:08
Hi Fee,

Just wanted to say still thinking of you, sorry don't have the energy to say much. I will catch up with this thread sometime soon I hope.
Just read that you texted me, thanks mate. I haven't read it as I don't ever have my phone on at home as no signal usually but nice of you to think/worry about me.

Love Lisa x

Piglet
11-04-06, 23:14
Fee - aww and I was gonna give the postie a damn good kiss in the morning!!!

Love Pig xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
11-04-06, 23:21
Lol Piglet - only 2 or 3 days to wait!!!!

Hi Lisa - hope you are better soon xxx

I have had a brilliant day - lovely meal tonight and M&S came home and we chatted... but Mark got all tense at one point and we both ended up in tears.... poor Sarah! She was so brilliant, really helped us feel better - she is amazing. I think Mark and I bottle things up until we are together... Oh I love them both so much!

Hope I sleep ok, emotions all over the place but then that's good really they need to come out sometimes.....

Hope to go to bed in a minute...

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
11-04-06, 23:43
Aww that sounds like a lovely evening - think all three of you are special actually.

Night mate :D

Love Piglet xx

Karen
12-04-06, 02:21
Hi Fee

What a remarkable turnaround to the day. You really are an inspiration.

I am so glad the CBT is going well and you are building a rapport with the therapist. This makes all the difference I think.

Good too that you've had such a lovely day with Mark and Sarah. Thanks for your text earlier - I was ok at that point but I hadn't eaten then - this is the connection I start making between eating and feeling rotten.

I bet you are exhausted and hope you sleep well tonight.

I don't usually like taking painkillers (stupidly really because I'll abuse just about anything else [Duh!]), but have taken some Paracetamol and a sleeping pill.

Lets hope we all feel better tomorrow. After all I need to go to the beach and pick out pebbles lol :D.

Night aunty Fee.

Karen xx

feege
12-04-06, 08:06
Morning all

Very very tired and woken too early! But tummy not to bad considering I ate out twice yesterday! Not sure how I feel about going up to London for this meeting today. Talked about it in my CBT yesterday and I think I might not go. Interestingly we talked about my throwing myself into this as being a distraction from focussing on my own health and wellbeing. I'm still not sure if that's the case.

I will see how I feel as the day goes on. It would be very very stressful for me, mainly because of seeing my ex-husband and the tension there still seems to be between us. There seems to be a lot of pros and cons for going and not going.

Thanks for your message Karen - I don't know how you manage to be so supportive when you are going through such an awful time!!!

Lisa - never ever worry if you are not up to posting! We all have to learn to take care of ourselves!

love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
12-04-06, 11:32
Hi Fee,

Glad you had a nice time with M & S and that the CBT went well.

Hope London goes ok if you go. Hope you're ok.

Thinking of you.

Lisa x

Piglet
12-04-06, 11:33
Kissing the postie is deffo of the menu today anyway - IT WAS A WOMAN!!!!![:I][:O]:D:D

Love Piglet xx

feege
12-04-06, 11:37
My day has deteriorated.... Didn't think it was wise to go to london and told mark - he was so disappointed and a bit sharp, he really doesn't know how bad I have been. So I got down and weepy. Then spoke to mum and she was very very wheezy so I am having to take her to the Doc at lunchtime.

Came over completely overwhelmed again, palpitating a bit, depersonalised, etc etc... I'm try to let it roll over me. I'm so so tired.

Rash is really bad, tummy not right, just don't know what to take medicine wise, more ranitidine, more beta blockers, painkillers etc etc...

Can't get hold of any of my friends at the moment, just wanted a chat before I pick mum up.

Today I just think it's all too much and I can't cope any more. Oh well, I suppose I'll feel a bit better later.

xxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
12-04-06, 11:38
lol piglet - do you have a problem with that then?;)

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
12-04-06, 11:39
thanks lisa hun - you too xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
12-04-06, 11:44
Hi Fee

Have you made the decision not to go to London now? I agree with your CBT therapist that putting yourself in particularly stressful situations is just putting added pressure on yourself and exposing yourself to stress you don't need.

You have been doing a lot of work on the website and promotion, and I am sure Mark and Sarah will understand. You need to take care of yourself to Aunty. I can't have you feeling all stressed out lol!!

Always here by text if you need me - except perhaps this afternoon when I hope to catch up on some sleep. Just waiting until after 12pm to try to catch the dietician's secretary to rearrange my appointment as we've been missing each other all week.

Hope you have a good day. It's glorious sunshine here and would've been an idea time to go to the beach and get those pebbles for Becky, but I won't be going in tomorrow if I still feel like this.

Karen xx

Piglet
12-04-06, 11:55
Women are the best thing on the planet hun but I don't fancy kissing one (not a full on snog anyway [:I]:D:D:D).

I think you made the right decision about London - I think if you thought that there was any poss then you would have gone. Meg is always telling us we do not need to keep proving we are superhuman all the time in our efforts to deal with anxiety.

I now think that Mondays shopping trip and the pushing myself to keep staying until the panic subsided was a little misguided. Sure totally right attitude and would have worked if I hadn't HAD A COLD!!!!!!

I knew I didn't feel 100% but not so much in a panicky way more in a weak poorly way - trouble is that is also how you can feel with anxiety too. It's just that I had to keep eating all the time to keep going. I have felt much worse with the cold since and my cold sore is becoming quite a feature in its own right (may give it a name later)!!!

Anyway petal don't take it to heart - Mark won't have meant it, I know when mine are sharp with me I feel down too but actually am taking it too personally alot of the time. Maybe it's because we feel disappointed in ourselves already so we don't like other to feel like it too. Us anxious lot are way way too sensitive arn't we.

Hope mum gets on ok at the docs later.

Big hug

Piglet xx

Quirky
12-04-06, 11:58
Hi Fee,

I think you made the right decision not to go to London, I'm sure M & S will understand. Would it help mark to know how bad you've been, I know you don't want to burden him but he may understand better then. He must at least know seeing your ex is stressful for you and the travelling is tiring etc.

I hope you feel better later. I really need to keep off here a bit today, I'm picking up more ailments already! Lol. I really hope your Mum is ok, I am so selfish, even reading that has made me worry about my wheezing again. I really am selfish and should leave this forum to kind people..... I knew I wasn't up to reading others posts today but started feeling really guilty as everyone was replying to me. Yesterday I was too ill to care whether I psoted or not.

Sounds a dilemma on which tablets to take, maybe ranitadine if your tummy is the main problem. I'm too scraed to take my ranitidine again, I started vomiting 1.5 hours after taking it and now have a slight worry it could have been a reaction to that rather than the prawns, although I'd taken it for 3 days before that and been ok! My doc said yesterday that she doesn't think it will help my wheezing anyway and she said it didn't help me in the past, may wait till I see her next.

Thinking of you, hope the docs with your Mum goes ok.

Lisa x Off to learn to be less selfish

feege
12-04-06, 15:31
Thanks Karen - as you can see I am still at home! Got to learn I'm only human and not particularly strong at the moment, frustrating as it is....

lol piglet - i totally understand about your trip out - I just couldn't make up my mind if not going was avoiding or taking care of myself.. and now I don't know if i feel pants because i didn't go or relieved i didn't go because i feel pants!!!! I guess it's the same for anyone who is ill and suffers from anxiety at the same time - and having ME means it's a permanent state!!!

I still feel very jittery and have slight chest pains and into my arm but I'm 99.9% certainly it's all anxiety plus the funny angle I sit at my laptop!!! oh with a bit of acid and coldy chest thrown in for good measure![Sigh...]

Took mum to Doc - she was really rattling and she got dosed up with steroids and antibiotics. She's such a trooper, got a few things she needed and made her some lunch and a cup of tea and left her to sleep the excitement off. I think having M&S there was tiring although she loved it. She's so funny she said "oh it's not stressful for me - no-one expects anything of you at my age thank goodness"!!!! Roll on 85 that's what I say. She just knocks back the pills without batting an eyelid! If only we could learn to be like that while we're young enough to enjoy life!

Piglet I do hope your cold gets better soon - you never know you might have felt even worse if you hadn't gone out - it's never that straight forward.

Lol Lisa you are SO not selfish!! You're just susceptible lol!!!! Mind you I blame you for my wheeziness today lol!!! Seriously hun just take care of yourself and don't worry about anyone else.... I do hope you are improving now.

I'm nodding off so will catch up more later - I'm going to try and have a nap.

love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
12-04-06, 16:02
Mum has fab attitude - way to go mum!!!!!!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Quirky
12-04-06, 17:33
Hi Fee,

Glad you got your Mum sorted, she definitely has the right attitude, my Uncle is just like that and my cousin and step mum. My uncle takes 16 tablets twice a day and does all sorts he shouldn't do like take alcohol with them, doesn't worry him at all. I often tell him to be careful. When he came to visit me he forgot to bring his stroke prevention tablets, I told him he'd have to see a gp here for more or go home early and get them, he was like "no it will be ok" etc.

Thanks for saying I'm not selfish, I feel it sometimes, but yes I am VERY susceptible.

Hope you have a good evening.

Lisa x

Quirky
12-04-06, 22:03
Hi Fee,

Hope you're ok tonight,

Night Aunty,

Lisa x

feege
12-04-06, 22:05
hi everyone

Thanks lisa - I felt lousy earlier, panicky and palpy and edgy but just had a long phone call which seemed to distract me (eventually!).

Hoping I can sleep well tonight and feel a little better tomorrow.

Nite all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
12-04-06, 22:31
Hi Fee,

I'm glad talking to your friend helped.

I hope you have a good nights sleep.

Night night,

Lisa x

Karen
12-04-06, 23:27
Hi Fee

Personally I think you made the right decision for you not to go to London. I don't believe it is avoidance. It would be a long and tiring day for anyone, let alone someone with ME and while you are feeling under the weather. So stop giving yourself such a hard time :D.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I still feel very jittery and have slight chest pains and into my arm but I'm 99.9% certainly it's all anxiety plus the funny angle I sit at my laptop!!! oh with a bit of acid and coldy chest thrown in for good measure![Sigh...]</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I think all of those things would do it and well done for rationalising! You should see the funny position I am in now trying to type on my laptop - that's my excuse for the typos anyway and I am sticking to it [:P].

Your mum sounds amazing with the way she handles things and a good example to us all, even though I don't have issues taking pills [8)]. Funnily enough though I don't like taking antibiotics as I always get thrush so will probably need to get some Diflucan as a precaution.

Piglet: Hope you are feeling better tomorrow. Having a cold and feeling unwell doesn't help. You did so well on Monday, however take it easy and avoid pushing yourself too hard.

Lisa: I agree that you are NOT selfish and I do understand how reading about other health problems raises your anxiety. It is a trigger just like visiting eating disorder forums would be for me, which is a reason I stay awauy (mostly).

Hope you sleep well tonight Fee and feel better tomorrow.

Karen xx

feege
13-04-06, 08:03
Morning all

Slept nearly 7 hours which is good. Taking 150mg of zantac twice a day, doubled up my betablockers (I halved them about 6 months ago when things were going so well and was really reluctant to go back up) and took my 1/8 of a nitrazapam 10mg.

Still feel jittery - I used to feel like this all the time in the morning when I was working but I haven't lately, it's so disappointing. My tummy is still feeling bloated and I can't get my bowels to work in any way normally. I was drenched in sweat when I woke up. I have slight chest pains and in my arms (thankfully in my right arm too today which is comforting!).

I have lived with these sort of symptoms on a regular basis for nearly 20 years and I am only listing them today because it is so obviously all made worse by the fact that I am so so anxious. Today M&S see the bone marrow specialist. Listing them gives me somewhere to improve from again.

Living with ME/IBS/hernia/duodenitis/menopause and huge amounts of stress is not likely to be easy and this week has not been one of my best but I know that anticipatory anxiety is my biggest problem. After today, however bad the news is, I will probably improve.

I don't know how I can make any big improvements while the situation for Sarah and Mark is so terrible and so unknown. For me, it is like a huge challenge for me to learn to deal with anticipatory anxiety, health anxiety and my attachment issues all at once. I am so hopeful about the CBT, thank goodness I managed to get it organised. If I can get through this and learn to cope maybe my whole life will be more managable - maybe I can learn to deal with the more normal stresses, illnesses and crisis that life throws at us all.

I have definitely done the right thing letting myself off the hook yesterday and accepting that I can't save Sarah's life and make everything better. No matter how bad things are for someone else - even Mark - I still need to look after myself first. This is a lesson I have to learn. Also that no-one else can make me better, they can only help.

I have to see the Doc today, I want my bp checked and some reassurance about the chest pains and the best use of the drugs for my tummy. Then I am going out for lunch with J.

I want to start another positive thread soon, but I will wait for the results of today's appts.

Thank you all for supporting me through all this.

loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
13-04-06, 09:05
Morning Fee

Sorry you are not feeling physically too good this morning. I hate that clammy, fainting feeling that I kept getting on standing yesterday. I really sympathise with the bloating and not being able to go to the loo naturally. I have used so many laxatives that my bowels don't function normally anymore.

In fact, I think some of my discomfort this morning is because I feel the need to go to the loo (what a lovely topic for this time of the morning [:I]) but have avoided using laxatives as I don't think my stomach could take the cramps. However, I think I might take a very low dose tonight if I still have the problem then. This won't give me violent stomach cramps but might relieve the bloating and uncomfortable feelings.

You are so right that you need to look after you and both Sarah and Mark know you are there for them. You can't take it all on yourself, or 'fix' the situation for them unfortunately.

I hope the appointment with your doctor goes well and you can sort your medication out. This will hopefully help with the symptoms.

Enjoy your lunch :).

Catch up later. You are so very welcome for the support and thank you so much for your support too Aunty Fee. Don't know where I'd be without you, Lisa (little sis) and Piglet.

Karen xx

feege
13-04-06, 10:24
Doh! Now mum has had an allergic reaction to antibiotics - bright red and itchy!!! Got to pick up a different script for her when I go!

Just spoke to Mark and he is off in pixie-land writing poems and songs which is the best place for him!!! Anything to avoid thinking about today's appt.

Karen - we have the best conversations don't we!! It's so good to be able to talk about it all though sometimes...

Off to get dressed and stuff ready to go to Doc's and J is coming at 12.15 which is nice for me! Just to be around somebody healthy for an hour or two will be nice and hopefully to have company when mark rings with the results.....

Keep everything crossed for me and them xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
13-04-06, 10:58
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I hate that clammy, fainting feeling that I kept getting on standing yesterday.
Catch up later. You are so very welcome for the support and thank you so much for your support too Aunty Fee. Don't know where I'd be without you, Lisa (little sis) and Piglet.

Karen xx

<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 13 April 2006 : 10:05:07</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Totally agree - just how feel too!!!

Will check in again later to see how you got on.

Hugs

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Quirky
13-04-06, 12:35
Hi Fee,

Thinking of you,

Hope you're ok.

Lisa x

Karen
13-04-06, 19:48
Hi Fee

Yes, it certainly helps to be able to talk things through.

Any news? I hope you are alright.

Karen xx

Quirky
13-04-06, 20:33
Hi Fee,

Been thinking of you today, hope you're ok.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
13-04-06, 20:59
hi everyone

Not feeling like talking tonight much. The news wasn't good which I expected. They have what they call a 'mismatch' for Sarah. The risks are huge. They have to get a second opinion. It will involve another round of chemo starting in 2 or 3 weeks, lasting 6-8 weeks, a stem cell harvest to prop her up if the transplant fails and a transplant which sounds unlikely to succeed. Mark did tell me all the odds but I have blanked it all out now.

I have been out with J all day thank god. He brought a huge bunch of flowers and took me out in the country. I could hardly breathe on the way out but gradually, and after a couple of sobbing sessions, I was able to eat and relax a little. Wandered round Steyning and bought a couple of books after lunch then had tea, popped in to mum's who is recovering from her red face reaction to the antibiotics and seems ok and got home not long ago.

Can't even think about it all at the moment so off to watch mindless tv.

love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
13-04-06, 21:04
(((((Fee)))))

I am so sorry to hear that the news about Sarah wasn't what you (we all) hoped for, must be so upsetting for you all.

I am glad J has been with you all day though, he sounds lovely and good support.

Glad your Mum is ok too.

Thinking of you,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
13-04-06, 21:19
So sorry the news about Sarah isn't too good.

Thinking of you and you know where we are if you need us.

Karen xx

Quirky
13-04-06, 21:23
Just wanted to say night night.

Lisa x

Piglet
13-04-06, 23:05
:( Sorry to hear that mate.

Love Piglet xxxx

Karen
14-04-06, 10:31
Morning Fee

How are you today.

(((Hugs Aunty))).

Thinking of you.

Karen xx

feege
14-04-06, 10:43
Thank you karen, lisa and piglet....

I'm not good, but perhaps in a good way. Just straightforwardly grieving. Just want to cry all the time.... J was so good to me yesterday - just let me be however i was... discovered he has had a breakdown 10 years ago. I knew there had to be a reason he seemed to know how to be around me.

Just finding it very very hard to talk to anyone, even here. Part of me is just pushing it all away its so overwhelmingly tragic. My heart it utterly broken into pieces.

Oh no crying again. Thank you for the hugs.

Speak later - love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
14-04-06, 11:11
In amongst the sadness yesterday was one small glow - you seemed to have found a new really good friend in J.

Biggest hug mate

Piglet xxx

Quirky
14-04-06, 16:46
Hi Fee,

Thinking of you still. Hope you're ok.

Grieving is natural, let it all out.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
14-04-06, 16:54
Unbelievably managed to get myself together and take mum to tescos in hove and some nasty woman barged me with her trolley when i couldn't go anywhere and I gave her a bit of a look and she went for me - i mean really went for me, swearing - " move out of my f.ing way" etc etc...

I was really frightened and panicked all over the bloomin place. Don't know how I got us out of there and home again. Fortunately mum wasn't nearby and didn't realise but i had to tell her cos i was in such a state... staff were brilliant - really nice - loads of people asked me how i was and stuff it was so obvious she was just vile.... If there is such a thing as karma she's got something coming to her....

So now i feel totally pants again. In a horribly tense way... I can cope with feeling sad but this anxiety is horrendous....

Will try and nap and let it go now.. Sorry i'm not checking in and stuff at the mo.. thank you all for being there for me so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
14-04-06, 17:09
Hi Fee,

Well done for going out shopping. That woman with trolley rage sounded really [}:)]. I can see why that shook you up mate. If that had been me I would have shoved that trolley........... well ok you get the jist! Lol I probably wouldn't have done that but she may well have had a piece of my mind......... some people need licences to drive those things.

I hope your Mum is doing ok today.

Have a nice nap and I hope your evening is good.

Love Lisa x

Karen
14-04-06, 18:09
Hi Fee

You did well to get to the supermarket in the first place. People are going mad filling shopping trolleys and grabbing everything in sight. It is so silly and that woman was so rude.

Hope you are having a good rest now. Glad J is there for you, as are we.

Karen xx

feege
14-04-06, 21:33
Hi all...

Thanks again lisa and karen... I have been really shaky/trembly/palp and wobbly all evening and coming out in big red blotches and strange pains everwhere. What a sight! Fleeting thoughts of all sorts of horrible causes but know in my heart its all anxiety... although i do worry that eventually it will take its toll on my heart if i can't calm down.... and don't do any exercise... and smoke :(

I feel very disassociated too tonight, but get it under control for half an hour ever now and then. I just hope tomorrow is a better day and nothing happens... nothing at all preferably! No stimulation at all... maybe i can calm down then!

I'm afraid of something setting me off again all the time, even avoiding tv programmes that might be stressful lol!!!

Bad day today - better one tomorrow with a bit of luck!

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
14-04-06, 21:45
Hi Fee

I can understand that idea of not wanting to feel anything, or experience any kind of stimulation of any kind. It is a natural way to react to bad news and, of course, for you it is coming out in your health anxiety.

You are coping remarkably well in the circumstances and just need to do whatever it is that helps you get through this at present.

Thinking of you.

Karen xx

Quirky
14-04-06, 23:12
(((((Fee)))))

Aww what a horrid day you've had, I hope tomorrow is better for you too.

I hope you can relax a bit and get a good nights sleep.

I can reassure you a bit on the heart front hopefully, I asked the cardio if anxiety affects the heart and he said not at all. I asked him about exercise too and he said not at my age it won't hurt. You get alot more exercise than I do anyway, even just walking is enough. I also asked a gp about lack of exercise and the heart and she said anyone who is anxious gives there heart a good workout anyway! So look at it as exercising your heart (I just thought of that, may try that myself!).
Maybe try and stop smoking when things are less stressful and that will be one less thing to worry about.

I hope you're feeling better when you read this.

Night night,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
15-04-06, 00:03
Hi Karen - thanks hun! Unfortunately it's unavoidable when you feel like this - you can find something to stress about without even moving!!!

Thanks Lisa... no I'm not feeling any better at the moment. I just keep going bright red and hot in various places at various times. It's so weird, I'm such a pale person and have never ever gone red until recently - always joked about it - never been able to blush!!! I hate it - it keeps making me jump. And I have that weird feeling of something wet brushing against me every now and then - which it definitely isn't! Ive had that before, but only on my legs before they started itching...

I really am struggling tonight to keep calm about it all. It's so hard to believe anxiety can cause such overtly physical symptoms. I KNOW it does, but it's hard to keep myself from wondering what if this time etc etc.... I'm tempted to google menopausal symptoms, cos I'm guessing it is hormonal - hormones can do so many things.. but I know if I google I'll start a chain reaction off and end up looking at something stupid. I don't want to take my tablets tonight in case they are making me worse although I have no idea why I think that - anxiety is much more likely mixed with hormones.

I hate these days when I'm really really anxious and it gets to bed time and I'm so tired but can't relax.... The palps keep coming and going - I'm so hot and all my veins are standing out. Still, the chest pains have eased off at the moment.

I just want to rest and relax and be positive! The most positive I can be right now is to hope and pray tomorrow is better!

I'm going to try and get to bed..... love and hugs xxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
15-04-06, 00:49
Hi Fee,

Really wanted to do a long reply to you but I've really run out of steam here. Last night I was as exhausted, slept for about half an hour in bed, then was wide awake from 2-6am! Not anxious just overtired and hubby was tossing and turning. It was so hot here last night too. I really hope you sleep soon and feel better, I do know how you feel. Oh and I have the bulgey veines too but I know that's because it's hot. I have been thinking DVT today as I've rested so much but NOT because of the veins.
Alot of what you describe sounds menopausal, I have that to look forward too, my periods and hormones cause me enough trouble now!

Night mate, thinking of you.

Lisa x

P.S No googling for you either Lol.

feege
15-04-06, 09:20
Hey - I survived another night lol!!!

It seems very humid to me, maybe it's not all hormones, maybe it's just hot[:I] I managed to sleep with my precious 1/8 of a nitrazapam. It's such a small dose that if anyone else said it I'd think it was psychological but it really does seem to work on me, just takes the edge of my anxiety.

My tummy still feels not right - but then maybe it's only as bad as it's been for the last 20 years - I might just be more aware of it cos I know there's something wrong.

So a decent sleep ought to help and I am going to try and do something nice today....

I think I will look at a menopause site - it might help to know that a lot of what is going on is normal, menopausal stuff. I feel so sure it is this morning, so sweaty and puffy (water retention) and aches and pains and even anxiety are definitely menopausal things. I keep meaning to get to the health food shop to try that oil but haven't made it yet! I bought lots of seeds and stuff yesterday to add to my cereals cos I know they're supposed to be good. Maybe I should even get one of these supplements...

I don't know what the relationship is to this coil I have in, I must find out - it does release some hormones.

I hope you guys are ok - will pop in later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
15-04-06, 10:19
Morning Fee.

Glad to hear you sounding a little more upbeat this morning :).

I will allow that kind of research as it is searching in a positive way ;).

Hope you find something nice to do today. I'm off back to bed to shut the world out hopefully.

Karen xx

Quirky
15-04-06, 12:26
Hi Fee,

Glad you had a better night and sound better today too.

Alot of that does sound menopausal. Don't know much about coils as I'm not allowed to use them but my friends Mum is menopausal and she felt so much better when her coil was removed, may be different for everyone though.

Hope you have a nice day and do something nice.

Lisa x

feege
15-04-06, 14:53
Hello guys

I managed to take mum into Hove to potter and get a few bits, had a little lunch in Serenity (shared a baguette and both left half of the half we had, mum and I have about the same amount of appetite - i.e. not much! but lovely cup of tea[8D])

It started to rain so we just had to come home again, can't risk mum getting overtired or wet or cold until she is much better, but she is doing well.

I did ok - but I have got horrid chest pains, although now more under and down from the arm pits. I don't really know what's going on, obviously it's partly anxiety but I'm really wondering about the ranitidine - it is a side effect to get breathless apparently. I bought the oil - not Udo's but the woman in Holland and Barrett said it was their generic version and also bought Black Kohosh which has been through quite a lot of testing for its menopausal benefits. Of course I'm too scared to take either of them no[:I]. What a wuss. I'll try and little bit first and build up - the oil can go on food so that's ok I'll probably manage that!!!

Feel altogether very achey but fed up with being in alone and never having a social life. Would love to be putting on a coat and boots and going for a good old stomp over the downs... Mind you I'd love it even more if we got some decent weather!!!

Off to hoover then siesta. What a life of wild excitement[:o)]

love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
15-04-06, 15:03
Hi Fee

I think a big WELL DONE is in order for you too.

You did well to get out with your mum today and have some lunch out. I hope the stuff you got from Holland & Barrett helps. I've got so many vitamin and mineral supplements here I could open my own shop :D.

I know totally what you mean about the social life and perhaps we can do a bit more of this together once we are both feeling more up to it. It's unfortunately been bad timing for both of us so far but come the nicer and warmer weather, and a bit of rest and recouperation , and we will hopefully both be doing better.

Have a good rest Aunty. You've earned it!

Karen xx

Quirky
15-04-06, 16:07
Hi Fee,

Well done for going out with your Mum and for getting the supplements.
The oil will be fine and not have any side effect for sure. I have heard black cohosh is good too but obviously I've not tried that. I hate taking things too, even vitamins, the last lot I brought sat there for months until I dared take one! Lol.
I didn't know ranitadine could cause breathing problems [:O], don't think it has with me anyway, but hard to say what causes mine some days. I thought it only caused breathing trouble if you were allergic to it. I would have thought you'd be used to it by now.
Hope you have a nice nap and feel better later. I know what you mean about a social life, but you do seem to have quite a good one from what you say here, often out and about doing different things and seeing different people.

Thinking of you.

Love Lisa x

feege
15-04-06, 18:55
Hi guys...

Thanks for your support. I did do well today, and then had a nap. Woke up and thought I was doing really well but then as i moved around the chest pains returned accompanied with slight nausea... I'm really fed up with it, it just doesn't feel like anxiety to me. I have felt sort of unwell all week in a not-anxious way and think I might actually have some kind of virus, the glands may be up under my arms.... I don't know what difference it makes anyway - I just feel pants, but I guess if I know it's a virus I feel more sure it will pass.... It's just that it's all in the area of possibly acid, possibly heart, possibly tension/muscles and I don't really know what to do with it....

Going to try and eat but keep struggling with food at the moment. Never fancy anything, can't be bothered to cook, don't enjoy it and feel worse afterwards... Yup, me too! I have a little bit of a cough too.

Oh roll on some better weather - I'm sure it would help!

love to all xxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
15-04-06, 19:05
Hi Fee

What are we all like heh :D?

Seems we are all struggling in different ways and life feels really bad right now - well to me anyway.

Maybe you do have some kind of virus. It certainly sounds like it and when I saw my doctor on Wednesday, the first thing she said was that there is a bug going around. She didn't think that was the case for me but there obviously is some stomach virus doing the rounds.

Take it easy this evening and I hope you able to manage a little something to eat.

I'm going to have to stop coming here (the forum) at this rate as there are so many topics about loss of appetite/not eating and losing weight that it is very triggering for me [Sigh...].

Karen xx

feege
15-04-06, 19:10
Hi Karen

Thanks hun - I bet you are - it's not normally constant food and tummy stuff here is it!!! Wish to goodness I could stop it! I hope you will be able ride it somehow - we need your advice!

I often struggle with my tummy but don't usually feel the need to mention it cos I'm so used to it but I'm just as suggestible as everyone else lol!!

I'm sure it will pass soon!

love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
15-04-06, 19:19
Hi Fee

It's not your posts in particular but a number I've read today, particularly at a time when I am struggling to stop eating and want to lose weight. But that's my problem, no one else's.

Just finding it hard tonight.

Maybe I need to cut down on being here for a few days because I think I am causing to much concern with my thoughts the way they are at present too.

Nothing will keep me away for long and knowing me I won't actually be able to stay away anyway.

Karen xx

feege
15-04-06, 22:36
Well had a full on panic/to do again tonight (makes a change from the middle of the night!). Made some food but couldn't eat it, felt sick, chest pains, acid, palps whole works...

In end phoned doc, doc called me back and talked me through my hiatus hernia and the fact that ranitidine is NOT a treatment for hernias, just alleviates the symptoms and that I MUST take the omeprazole.... said all my symptoms including palps could be result of hernia.

So I have taken one (he told me to take two but I have to be confident I won't react first[:I]) and feel significantly better!

Oh - and he said the gastroscopy probably DID irritate it and it just needs to get settled again, but I may end up on a maintenance dose of these tablets.....

Keep you fingers crossed for me that if I treat the hernia properly, everything else will settle down. He also explained that alcohol, smoking, spicy foods and stress all really make it worse. Well I knew that really but kind of needed to be told.

Anxiety is such a nightmare - I knew I should take those tablets but was afraid...

I so so hope it all improves now and I get a decent night's sleep!

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
15-04-06, 23:02
Hi Fee,

Sorry you have struggled again tonight, I'm glad the doctor was able to help and that the tablet has helped too, they certainly helped my uncle in just one dose. Be brave, they will help.

Karen - I'm really sorry as I've been talking about eating too on my thread, as I'm really struggling right now, sorry if I've made you feel worse, I feel really bad now. I know my thread is usually pretty safe for you and yours for me most of the time. Maybe we should all keep away from here! Lol.

Hope you sleep well Fee, thinking of you.

Love and hugs, night night,

Lisa x

Karen
15-04-06, 23:07
Hi Fee

Sorry you panicked but the fact you did and then spoke to the doctor has produced a positive outcome. I am so glad you felt better once you had taken the medication.

It also makes sense that the procedure has irritated the problem and it will settle in time.

I hope you're able to continue with the medication now and this helps with your recovery.

Lisa: Please don't feel bad or apologise. The problem is mine - not yours.

Karen xx

feege
16-04-06, 08:38
Gosh this really is a bad weekend.

After my last post I got really bad again and took another one of the tablets (which the phone doc told me to do). It didn't do any good at all. So about 1am I called back (again the doc had told me to do that) and they said come down.

I went and saw the emergency doctor (who was scary, not very pleasant but seemed to know what he was doing - but who knows?). He examined me, BP was fine, felt my tummy (which no-one else had done) and tried to reassure me there was nothing wrong except acid/hernia and told me I should take pain killers - which hadn't even occurred to me as I thought they might make it worse...

So I did, took my sleeping mini bit and managed to go unconscious about 3.30.

Then was woken by it again at 7am. I so so need to go to the toilet but I'm all bunged up. My rational brain is saying everyting is in spasm now (IBS). Drenched in sweat, acing all over.... I feel almost sick but not quite.... I can't take any more tummy tablets till tonight so I will have to try and get through today with painkillers.

The irrational part of my brain thinks they have done something to me with the gastroscopy, that there is some blockage or they are missing something else...

I have lived with dreadful digestive problems for 20 years round about but I have never felt this bad. I'm so shaky.

But then I have never been under so much stress before. Between the two docs last night they made sense.... the gastroscopy irritated my hernia and I haven't used the right medication to settle it down and I haven't used pain killers to make it manageable. But I really do feel trapped in the 'what ifs'... what if this time it really is something else? I'm so anxious at the moment it's so easy to put everything down to that but obviously it really could be.

I know IBS symptoms can be severe and I have every excuse to have gone into spasms.

I was so frightened last night I couldn't even come on here... and I am so so so lucky because I texted J and he popped in. Twice. He was working so it was fairly easy but I cost him money which feels really bad. He was so sweet - but in a funny way! Didn't seem too phased but he must be a masochist if he sticks around hoping for a relationship with me. I mean, really - I wouldn't want to get involved with someone in this mess!

He's booked a table for lunch for us (with mum) for today. God knows how I am going to get through today. I am in so much pain and feel so exhausted....

But perhaps this is how bad lots of people's IBS is? You get used to your symptoms being one way, think you know how bad it can be - and then it changes....

Hernia, duodenitis, menopause, stress, anxiety - throw in the vertigo (yes I was pretty dizzy) - I reckon between them they could cause you to grow polka dot horns and a swivel head!!!

I have very calm moments - and did pretty much all the time J was here - but I feel very close to breaking point right now to tell the truth.

Oh well I suppose if it's something worse I'll find out soon enough, maybe I should just try and be glad I didn't get taken into hospital for investigations[:O][:O] I don't know if I would be able to be admitted for anything - I think they would have to sedate me to get me in!

Off to take pain killers and praying you are ALL feeling better than me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
16-04-06, 10:46
Aww Fee. Sounds like a horrid night and it's no wonder the anxiety is getting to you today.

These are real medical problems and I know it feels so rotten to hve such bad pain all the time.

IBS can be pretty bad and the symptoms can change. I have it too but it is manageable at present - which is a miracle considering what I am doing to my insides with various pills and laxatives. A few years ago though it was so bad that I hardly ate because everything upset my stomach. All I could eat was bread but I had constant tummy pains.

Do you have to go to lunch if you are feeling so dreadful? It is not easy trying to eat when you are in so much pain. Hopefully the painkillers will help a bit.

Have you tried aloe vera juice for the IBS?

I hope things improve for you. I'm having a terrible day too and thought I was due to be carted off to the funny farm earlier as I felt so close to total breakdown. Now I'm using avoidance to get through the day - not the best way but the only way I can cope when I am alone.

Glad J was there for you. He cares for you because you are a genuinely lovely, kind person who is coping with tremendous stress at present.

Take it easy.

Karen xx

GillT
16-04-06, 11:00
I'm not the only one then!. I used tolove a few drinks but I cant drink at all now. Half a glass makes me feel like I have drunk 2 bottles. It exacerbates any stress stomach problems the next morningas well. Still, not drinking that is the least of my problems now.

feege
16-04-06, 11:06
Hi Karen

Doh! I forgot the aloe vera juice yesterday - got black kohosh and Udo oil... I knew there was something else - twit!

Won't be able to get that today I guess.... Might try the chemist later which is open for a few hours - anything that might help! I don't have to go but I think it is better for me to do things if I possibly can, usually I feel better if I do - even my tummy does. Hangin there hun - we're over half way through the weekend[8D]

Hi Gill - it's so frustrating isn't it - I was never a big drinker but it was a way of relaxing socialising and having fun (fun? what's that all about - surprised I can still spell it!!)

Going to get dressed and ready for 12 and do my best.... wish me luck - hope you guys are ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
16-04-06, 14:20
Fee mate,

I have just been sitting here after catching up on the posts and just thinking,

1. Really pleased you bought the Udo's - just stick with the recommended amount and in a month/6 weeks you will be telling me you have lovely soft skin. Meanwhile it can lubricate all your tubes for you:D Did you manage to get a leaflet with it - if not have a look on his site for any other benefits we haven't discussed.

2. Like Karen says the Aloe is worth trying as I think it was AngieB on here who was very pleased with the results.

3. I know when I had both my IBS and indigestion issues they lasted months and were both disruptive and scary at the time.

4. As I see it you have some real issues to deal with at the moment not least Sarah's health. Now the other matters regarding your own health will be dealt with by a process of trying certain medication and discussing with the dietician possible trigger foods so hopefully in the near future you will by a process of trial and error start to feel better.

5. Just to further complicate matters it does sound like you are either very near going through the menopause or actually going through the menopause.

It is absolutely not in the least bit surprising is it that your anxiety levels are sky high so I think at the moment a little bit of anxiety management could be high on the agenda.

I have to say one of the most helpful things I have found for this is this funny plummy home counties sounding muscle relaxation cd that I got from Nopanic. I have a few relaxation cd's now that really help but for some reason this funny little no frills cd just seems to do what it says on the tin.

You only need to make 20 mins of time for it and it makes you tighten each muscle group in turn and then relax them. I don't think we realise just how tensly we are holding ourselves when we are anxious or even when we are not aware we are anxious. I think all people should do this exercise - I am beginning to realise it is as important to release anxiety in a physical way as much as it is in an emotional way. Everytime I have done this cd I cannot dispute that I feel more relaxed and calmer. It costs £6 and they post it out to you immediatly.

Biggest hugs

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Karen
16-04-06, 18:41
Hi Fee

How did lunch and your afternoon go? Hope you are doing ok.

Karen xx

Quirky
16-04-06, 19:06
Hi Fee,

That sounds like some night you had, but I really do know how you feel, especially witht the what ifs!

I hope your tummy has managed to settle down now and that you got out for lunch with your Mum and J. J sounds lovely by the way.

Still thinking of you. I don't plan to come on here again tonight (doesn't mean I won't for definite though!) so I'll say now that I hope you have a better night tonight.

Still thinking of you,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
17-04-06, 04:10
Well I tried everything today... went out all day with J and my mum, nice lunch, little walk, nurseries, afternoon tea, home for nap, back out with friends including john for pub quiz (no alcohol) and home, little bit of sleeping tablet and off to sleep. Tummy not too bad, very tired the whole time but calm and positive.

Stayed off here to try and keep from thinking about physical symptoms. Had a very bad headache on and off but controlled it with painkillers.

Then woke up half a hour ago sweating like a pig, shaking from head to toe and with a very confused head, slightly numb face and needing loo. Managed to go (at last) but still feel absolutely dreadful. Mouth so dry. I can't believe how much I am shaking....

I had already decided to get a sedative from the doc when I go this week.. I have taken a tiny bit more nitrazapam and hope I will get back to sleep. My poor body is exhausted and traumatised by everything. I think this is a PTSD type reaction to how bad I have felt since the endosopy. I have been flushing bright red on and off all day - but been cheerful and enjoying myself but I can't do that on my own at night. I don't think it wold be any different really if anyone was here to be honest. Tummy also starting to hurt a bit.

I really feel like I am having a breakdown. I just can't stand feeling like this again. I just can't get myself back to my normal rubbish level of anxiety and can't help wondering how long I can carry on like this.

The numb face is a charming new symptom. But the real problem is that my tummy won't settle and I guess I can't get it out of my head that something worse is going on....

Also the flushing is so so dramatic people keep commenting on it.

Sipping peppermint tea and trying not to smoke too much and hoping the sleeping tablet will take over soon. I am so tired I just don't know what to do, can't read or think properly but can't get back to sleep.

I have been pretty much this bad in the past but without this lurking fear that something is really wrong with my tummy...

Thank god for rubbish tv......

Piglet - thanks so much hun for your considered reply. I feel irritated with mself for not getting the aloe vera and a CD. I seem to just keep spendng money on things and not using them for one reason or another. Medicine type things mainly cos of my tummy and CBT type stuff because I am so anxious it just feels like focussing on my problems and stresses me more at the moment - I need to calm down first!!! But I will keep trying....

I hope everyone else is happily snoring out there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
17-04-06, 11:29
Is it also worth mentioning the next time you are at the docs about the whole menopausal thing again???

Big hugs mate

Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
17-04-06, 11:30
Well I managed to get back to sleep for 2 hours eventually.... then woke up really really hot and shaky again.

Feel utterly drained and weepy today. Have no plans particularly today so I'm just sitting here trying to decide whether to rest or make an effort. Resting makes me obsess about my physical problems but I'm so exhausted. I can't bear to let my mind go over what is happening with M&S at the moment it just feels utterly horrific and fills me with dread and horror.

I will shower and get dressed in a minute and see how I feel, perhaps meet someone just for tea or something.

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
17-04-06, 11:32
Hi Piglet

funny you should say that - I've just been thinking about whether this mirena coil is making things worse or not... of course I'm frightened to have it taken out now too!!!

I have mentioned this lots of times I've been and he is very dismissive of it!

Hope you are well today? xxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
17-04-06, 12:17
Hi Fee,

Sorry you had another bad night, hope today is better!

Just a thought but do you think it's unrepressed emotions that could be making you feel so bad latley with the anxiety, you say you can't bear to let yourself think about M&S so maybe if you're not dealing with the emotion it has to come out somewhere? Hope that doesn't upset you, I could be very wrong but just a thought. I do understand how painful it must be. I know you've had a good cry recently so that's good at least.

Might be worth looking into the coil/menopausal side of things again. As good as many man docs are lots don't accept much to do with anything hormonal. My doc is fab with hormonal things but my doc is female after all. I did ask the cardio about palps, PMT etc and he even talked about the perimenopausal years being hard for women, bless him, he is clued up on everything. He did say alot of docs dismiss this but he knows it plays a part. Some women never get anxiety ever until they hit the menopause.

Anyway hope you have a good day, sounds like you could do with a rest but if you go out have fun.

Lisa x

feege
17-04-06, 12:47
Hi Lisa....

The answer to your question is yes... but it's a bottomless pit. I have cried a few times but I just don't think there are enough tears in the world to release me from this anxiety... it is just having to come out a little at a time. I appreciate you saying it actually - I need to be made to cry it's so so sad it's beyond bearable.... and I just keep pushing it away and trying to be positive but my heart is breaking every minute of every day... I'm having alittle cry writing this and every time i DO cry it does help for a little while... so thank you.

I have my old friend coming round today and we will go for a little walk - I know here well enough to cry around her. J has been fine - one day last week he helped me cry. I think it's when I have to talk to my mum or to mark himself I have to keep shoving it down... or if I want to actually do anything...

It's horrible just crying and crying on your own - I have done it a bit..

It's just bad timing (like it could be good timing) because obviously menopausal women are known for flushing, weeping, palpitating etc... So part of me is trying to stop it and feel better.

I prefer crying to panicking I must say. And I must avoid thinking of new explanations for how bad i feel - I have a full set of diagnosed problems which account for everything when put together!

I hope you are ok - I may stay off here again - looking at anyone else's symptoms/problems is very hard somehow at the moment.

I really hope you are ok today hun - thank you! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
17-04-06, 13:11
Hi Fee

Sorry you had such a bad night and no wonder you are exhausted with no sleep and all the activity of yesterday.

Things always feel so much worse at night too don't they? I think it is worth taking Piglet's advice and asking the doctor. Is there a female doctor you could see instead?

I too am trying not to spend so much time on here at the moment, not because reading about illnesses affects me with health anxiety but it is the whole weight and eating thing.

At the moment I feel so close to a breakdown too and can't seem to pull myself back from it.

I hope seeing your friend helps.

Take care of yourself.

Karen xx

feege
17-04-06, 15:41
Hi Karen

Thanks hun - I think I will speak to the doc again about it all...

I'm sorry you still feel so bad - we're all in a bit of a state at the moment... I just hope we all come out the other side soon....

I had a lovely walk and a cup of tea and a bit more weeping with my friend, who was also crying - she has known mark since he was about 5....

The sun was lovely and the countryside had it's very best frock on... lambs frollicking, blossom the whole lot! Very soothing once you get out there!

Will have a nap now and hope for the best..

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
17-04-06, 17:25
Hi Fee

Glad you managed to get out in the countryside for a bit and spent some time with your friend.

It looks like it's been a lovely day but I'm not feeling well and am exhausted again.

Hope you have a good rest.

Karen xx

feege
17-04-06, 18:53
Thanks Karen.

I just had a lovely nap and feel better than I have for over a week... Please please please let it last:D:D:D

I have friends coming over tonight and we are going to watch a DVD. I even feel well enough to look forward to it rather than going through the motions..... hurrah!!

The crying helps. I recommend it highly[8D]. Thanks Lisa for setting me off this morning (I really mean that hun!).

Fingers crossed xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
17-04-06, 19:02
Hi Fee,

Well I'm sorry that I made you cry but if you say it's helped then that's good. Better out than in!

I'm glad you got out today and I hope you have a nice evening with your friends.

You will get there!

Thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
17-04-06, 19:11
Great to hear you're feeling better Fee. I know crying is supposed to help but I'm not able to let go.

I hope you have an enjoyable evening with your friends. What DVD are you watching?

I'm planning an early night.

Karen xx

feege
17-04-06, 19:19
Hi Lisa - noooo don't be sorry at all! It really was spot on!:D

Hi Karen - We're watching a film called North Country? I'm not a film person really but should be ok... probably not funny or cheerful though!!!

Speak soon xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
17-04-06, 22:09
Hi Fee,

Hope you enjoyed the film and had a nice evening.

Thinking of you,

Night night,

Lisa x

Karen
17-04-06, 22:17
Hope you have had a good evening and enjoyed the film.

Karen xx

Piglet
18-04-06, 08:46
Hope you had a nice evening??

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
18-04-06, 08:54
Morning everyone

I had a lovely evening, slept well (no tablet) and feel really really good today!

I can't believe it - and it's sunny too!

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
18-04-06, 10:38
Hi Lucy! Sorry to hear you're having the same thing - is it worse since the endoscopy too? I already had all the other tests over the last few years (and no problems with any of them, bariums up and down etc. lol) so hopefully there isn't anything else going on with me - I think the hernia/duodenitis and the IBS are enough!

Mine does finally seem to be settling - I had to take 40mg omeprazole last Thursday and have taken 20 a day since, plus regular paracetomol - it really does almost feel normal now apart from being a bit constipated which is making the piles bleed like crazy!!! (sorry[:I]).

Likewise - pm or e-mail me anytime mate!!!

Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
18-04-06, 12:18
Hi Fee,

I'm glad you had a nice evening, slept well and feel well today :D. I'm so pleased for you. Feeling well must be so nice and you so deserve it.

I hope you have a good day, is it CBT today?

Lisa x

Piglet
18-04-06, 12:31
Really good to hear the old tum is settling down and I hope you get yours sorted soon too Luce.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Karen
18-04-06, 21:21
Glad you are feeling so much better Fee.

I hope you've had a good day.

Karen xx

Quirky
18-04-06, 21:27
Hi Fee,

I hope you've had a good day and still feel good.

Thinking of you.

Night mate.

Lisa x

feege
18-04-06, 23:10
Hi everyone

I had a really good morning and cbt was good this afternoon but i was so so so tired and fell asleep for ages afterwards... ate and washed up but ever since I woke I've been really anxious again. I have a horrible chest pain that is scaring me and great huge swollen spots around my mouth.

I suppose I should be grateful I had nearly 24 hours of feeling ok. I've been trying to distract myself all evening and deliberately not coming here.

How on earth would I ever know if there was something really wrong? I get so scared that one day I will actually be having a heart attack and just keep trying to distract myself until I keel over...[Sigh...]

Really fed up now and anxious and got pains in my arm as well but just cannot bring myself to call a doc or anything again.... It's not the same as last week's chest pains it's just on one side and is probably indigestion or muscle I expect.

Really really anxious:(

Hope you guys are ok - will pop over to look xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
18-04-06, 23:22
((((((((((Fee))))))))))

Awww mate sorry you're going through a bad time again. I am glad you had a good day though but I know how frustrating it is to feel anxious after a good day, when you really feel you're getting somewhere.

I hope you can relax soon and get to sleep.

I know just what you mean about how would we know if something really is wrong. I remember the cardio telling me to call him if I got a fast heart/chest pain etc, I said but I'd be calling you all the time and how would I know if it was necessary. He just smiled and said he'd always call me back and if he thought it was necessary he's say I saw him or someone. I have never called him yet though. I often think that though, sometimes I have dismissed symptoms that need attention and other times I've panicked over nothing. It's so hard to know when to accept symptoms and when to be concerned. Sadly I still don't have the answer to that, well I do actually it's marry a doctor! Lol.

Sorry that's no help mate (I'm too tired to even think straight really) but I am thinking of you and do know how you feel.

Hope it passes soon,

Night,

Love Lisa x

Quirky
18-04-06, 23:32
PS Just seen your new post, haven't replied there as I thought if I replied others may not, so I thought I'd give you a chance to get some other replies for once.

What you describe does sound muscular, especially if movement makes it worse. It's not really the right place for heart pain as far as I know, quite common area for trapped wind though. Anyway i hope it settles mate.

Lisa x

feege
18-04-06, 23:35
Thanks Lisa hun - I put it out there to get as many positive posts as possible to try and reassure me!!

I wish I had your cardio's no!!!! I KNOW rationally it's not the right place for the heart - I just need to hear it again and again. I think it's trapped wind - just worse than usual and no feelings of acid but maybe that's cos of the medication....

Oh it's all so endlessly frustrating and scary! Thanks again hun xxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
18-04-06, 23:41
Hi Fee,

Yes maybe I should kidnap the cardio and hire him out to my mates! Lol. He is the only person that can look at me tell me I'm fine and I 100% believe it immediately.

Chest pain is scary, just realised my back has been good for the last week and my chest, but today it's getting bad again so must be something to do with muscles and me beingon the PC more again today.[Sigh...]. In fact my upper chest is quite tight now and I'm hyperventilating and a bit wheezy - it really is catching! Lol, although not the same place as yours.

I know it's scary but you will get through it. Right really must go now. Sorry I can't help more, I hate going knowing you are struggling.

Night Fee, will be thinking of you.

Love Lisa x

Karen
19-04-06, 01:03
Hi Fee

Sorry you are struggling tonight. I agree with what Lisa has said and hope this helped to reassure you a little. I often have chest pain which I know is indigestion, and you have the addition hiatus hernia and other problems.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Hugs Aunty.

Karen xx

feege
19-04-06, 08:50
Hi all

Well I managed to sleep about 6 hours so I guess I'm not having a heart attack[:I][:I].

Absolutely drenched with sweat again and the pain in my chest is still there, basically twinges when I move and my logical brain knows that means it is likely to be muscular. But it's still bugging me and I feel very clammy and anxious....

Supposed to go out for the day with J but really don't feel like it. It'll probably do me good though.

Hope everyone else is ok - definitely trying to keep myself from focussing on my symptoms at the moment...

love to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
19-04-06, 12:21
Hi Fee,

Hope you feel better later and manage to go out with J.

Thinking of you.

Lisa x

Karen
19-04-06, 12:59
Hi Fee

I hope you managed to go out with J as this could be just the kind of distraction you need. I know a lot of my problems with the spiralling food obsessing happens because I am alone and don't have any distractions. Trying to distract myself doesn't work and it really does take the company of others to help remove the focus away from food.

Glad you got some sleep and you are doing well at rationalising that the chest pains are muscular.

Thinking of you Fee and you know where I am if you need me.

Karen xx

Piglet
19-04-06, 13:18
Just saying hello mate.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
19-04-06, 18:08
Hello lovelies......

I had a very pleasant drive out to Tunbridge Wells with J who was picking up some curtains... spot of lunch, wander round the department store which was lovely, tea, home, nap and we're going to the theatre tonight to see Rik Mayall. Bit of a rush now as he is coming at 7 and I need to wash and brush up.

Chest still hurting though... obviously nothing desperate I guess! I have the Doc tomorrow anyway for my certificate. My cbt lady said I shouldn't consider going back to work yet.

Sarah is going to be on LBC tomorrow (not sure when)....

I am so lucky to have met J when I did. I find it hard to believe to be honest, he is such a kind person and seems happy to just have the companionship.

Gotta rush - speak later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
19-04-06, 21:14
Hi Fee,

Glad you had a nice day with J, Tunbridge Wells is lovely. He seems a lovely friend.

I hope you had a lovely evening at the theatre, you're doing well lately for someone with no social life ;). It's good to see you getting out and enjoying yourself.

I hope Sarah gets on ok tomorrow on LBC.

Night mate, sleep well.

Lisa x

Karen
19-04-06, 21:19
Hi Fee

Glad you've had a good day and J is a good friend and companion for you, particularly at the moment.

I hope you have a good evening.

Good luck for the doctor's appointment tomorrow as I am not sure I'll get on here at all tomorrow.

Karen xx

feege
20-04-06, 08:12
Hi everyone

I went to the theatre last night... It was really good but I was so tired afterwards...

I don't know why but I hadn't thought about the fact I would panic sitting quietly trapped somewhere but of course I spent the first 15 minutes flushing, shaking, palpitating and not hearing a word.... I stuck with it and managed to enjoy the rest of it - although I have never been very good with sitting and passively watching things. The weirdest thing though was the woman on the other side of John looked like she was doing the same thing and just before the end of the first half got up and rushed out (knocking the woman in front of me on the head with her bag). I just KNEW she was having a panic attack and spoke to her... it was the second time (lucky her!) for her, had happened last time she went to the theatre (it was soooo hot). She was about the same age as me and I hope what I said to her helped her - she managed the second half too and we had a quick chat afterwards... I really felt aware that if I'd known what it was all about in the early days it might never have got so out of hand....

But how strange and coincidental! Made me feel a lot better, less alone!

I have only had a couple of hours sleep - J was here till after 12.30 chatting, he is so sympathetic and I explained about the anxiety more (I have been telling him stuff all the time). He's so supportive!

I have avoided doing things like that for so long but for some reason I didn't even think about NOT going (until we got there lol!!).

Shattered today....

Hope you guys are ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
20-04-06, 09:59
Hi Fee

Sounds like you coped extremely well last night and well done for helping someone else too. I bet she was so relieved and grateful to know she isn't alone and that other people have similar experiences.

I don't panic in cinemas/theatres as such, but do like sitting at the end of a row by the aisle but that's because my anxiety is more to do with someone sitting next to me. I don't avoid going but find it difficult to sit still and concentrate for that long now, so I tend to wait for films to come out on DVD and then I can take my time to watch them.

I'd like to see Ice Age 2 (I know I'm sad [:I]:D). I have the first film on DVD and thought it very funny. I only really watch kids films!


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have avoided doing things like that for so long but for some reason I didn't even think about NOT going (until we got there lol!!).
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's great Fee - such FANTASTIC progress. Well done.

Hope you have a quiet and restful day today in order to recover!

Karen xx

Quirky
20-04-06, 13:25
Hi Fee,

Well done for going and having such a fantastic evening and for helping the other lady, I bet it really helped her. Panic attacks are much more common than we think, it helps so much when people can just be open about it and discuss it like you would any other problem.

I bet you are tired today, you did alot yesterday in the day and the evening. I couldn't do all that even on a really good day so well done. If I go out it has to be day or evening, not both, but I am quite strict with my pacing as I know it helps.
J sounds like a lovely and very understanding man, I'm so pleased you have found such a good friend in him. I'm sure you're great company for him too.

Well hope you've had some rest today and are feeling well.

Love Lisa x

Piglet
20-04-06, 17:59
Hi Fee,

How fantastic that you could help the lady - I totally agree with you, I always felt if I had had really good advice or found this site a couple of months after my anxiety/panic attacks started it may not have got such a hold!!!!

I am just the same as you going to anywhere like that but usually settle down as I talk to myself firmly :D

Karen - I too only really watch childrens films cos I love em.

I have just watched Narnia at the weekend and Wallace and Gromit and Were rabbit. Love '5 Children and It' and both versions of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Perhaps we both want to live in an Enid Blyton type world really [Sigh...]

I also love Stuart Little that squeezy little mouse - ooh how lovely to have a friend like that:D:D:D

On my more grown up days though you can't beat a bit of Peter Kay - he makes me cry with laughter on his dvds. Also makes me homesick for Lancashire. The kids really like him too and now realise that I am not the only one who asks them to ring 3 times to let me know they are safe but then pick up anyway.

I too have a mother who leaves messages on my machine when asked for her name by saying this is mum calling and giving me her number - duh!!!!!

And don't even get me started on trying to explain to mum how to use her mob. We spent ages a few years going through it all, only to have her put it away neatly in a case and say 'well I don't think I will use it as it will waste the batteries'[8)][}:)]

Piglet xx

feege
20-04-06, 19:13
Lol Piglet - my mum's far too savvy - is probably the only 85 year old to be texting.... funny thing was last night she had forgotten I was going to the theatre and rang me about 7 and panicked when I was out and sent me a text saying "this is your mum where are you" lol!!!!!

Went to the Doc this morning and got signed off for another month... he checked my pulse and BP and they were fine, listened to my heart - all fine (didn't ask for numbers - don't want to be checking all the time). He had nothing to suggest - didn't think taking the coil out would help thought it was more likely that the coil was still making things slightly better (eeeeek what would I be like then?), told me to keep taking the tablets for the rest of the month and was very sympathetic but thought I was doing all the right things.... Guess he's right, I just have to keep plodding on with the ups and downs, the cbt, the tablets, etc etc....

Took mum food shopping and for lunch then crashed out. Still exhausted - feel coldish again (PND), rash quite bad, flushing regularly, tummy bit dodgy - pretty good really lol!!!!

Roll on post-menopause.....

hope you guys are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
20-04-06, 21:12
Hi Fee,

I'm glad you managed to get out and pleased the docs went well.

Thinking of you.

Hope you sleep well tonight,

Night,

Lisa x

Karen
21-04-06, 00:11
Hi Fee

Well done for coping with all that again today. I guess the doctor is right about giving the medications and the therapy time to start to work. It is still hard going through that phase though.

I hope you had a good rest this afternoon and have been alright this evening.


Piglet: Glad I am not the only one with the children's films :D. I rarely watch anything above a PG!!

Although I am still struggling with worsening depression I think I might challenge myself to go to see Ice Age 2 at the cinema on my own when I have recovered from today a bit. I'll have to check out how long it is. I would ask Jac but she's still very busy.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have just watched Narnia at the weekend and Wallace and Gromit and Were rabbit. Love '5 Children and It' and both versions of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Perhaps we both want to live in an Enid Blyton type world really [Sigh...]<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 20 April 2006 : 17:59:22</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I still haven't watched Narnia yet but this is on my list for this weekend. Might try to get to the library tomorrow when in town to see my doctor and see if they have Wallace and Gromit too. Although I am not sure I am up to walking that far or doing that much at present. Plus the new films tend to be out on hire already.

I agree about Stuart Little too. Great films!

How is the front garden exposing going ;)?

Karen xx

feege
21-04-06, 04:49
Here I am again, stomach agony and shaking from head to foot. So utterly desperate that its not improving. So confused and afraid... is it physical or all anxiety... how many more nights like this can I tolerate...

J popped in for an hour and I calmed down and was ok - thought I would get back to sleep. Half an hour after he left I was back to square one.

I think I am really finally breaking down, the ups and downs are just too much to cope with... being up all night is just so awful.

Sorry, but I really feel like giving up...

I expect I'll pull it together again but this is the ultimate pits.

love to you guys xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
21-04-06, 05:04
If only I could stop shaking for a little while and get some sleep.... I don't think I've read about shaking and am so disassociated can't find any links to read.... am dopey with nitrazepam too... oh god this is awful

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
21-04-06, 06:44
Hi Fee

Just replied on your other post. You will come through this because I know you have an inner strength that you are not always able to recognise yourself.

Wish I was a bit nearer so I could help more but not allowed to drive followig my anaesthetic.

Regarding the shaking - do these posts help at all?

Body shakes
brain shakes (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4334)
Shaking (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4806)

Hope you have managed to get some sleep now.

Karen xx

Quirky
21-04-06, 11:47
Hi Fee,

Big (((((hugs))))) Aunty.

Sorry to hear you had another bad night, I hope you're feeling better now.

It must be awful to feel like that, but it really sounds like anxiety and not a breakdown. If you really were having a breakdown you wouldn't be able to sit and type about it or even be thinking about it, you wouldn't really be that aware of it, so I don't think you have alot to worry about there. I often think I'm heading for a breakdown - at least if we do maybe we can ask to all be in the same assylum! Lol. No I'm not joking really, it is scary especially in the middle of the night.
The shakes can be anxiety too, or low blood sugar but sounds like anxiety, it's just the excess adrenaline pounding round your body.
I really think this is all the stress coming out of you, you have had and still have so much going on that it has to come out somewhere. Bless J, he sounds like a right little star :).

Thinking of you, hope your day gets better.

Love Lisa x

feege
22-04-06, 09:25
Morning all

Decided to come back here - don't like being on the panic attack board with that horrible title!!!

Well I slept 8 hours! Amazing - at least I don't have any fear of reaction to the ads now!!

Still feel tired and hot and achey but my tummy feels fine, in fact I feel much better. That can't be the a-d so it must be the colofac although maybe I would have anyway I'm so up and down. That's why I'm so reluctant to be on constant meds...

I think I'm going to leave them off until I have seen my cbt lady again. Now I know I CAN take them it's a relief.... although I know side effects do build up it was a strong reaction I feared most...

Lovely sunny day - hoorah!!!

Want to get out in it if I can!!!

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
22-04-06, 12:07
Hi Fee,

Glad yo hear you had a good night, you certainly seem much more positive again today :D

It's not sunny here, it's very dull at the moment, may have been sunny earlier but I was asleep then.

I hope you have a good day whatever you do.

Lisa x

Karen
22-04-06, 14:33
Afternoon Fee!

Glad to hear you sounding so positive and feeling much better today. I hope you are out somewhere enjoying the sunshine :D.

Karen xx

Quirky
22-04-06, 23:22
Hi Fee,

I hope you've had a good day and managed to get out and enjoy the sun. It really brightened up here this afternoon and was so warm. It was lovely but I know I only have a week, two at the most before the hayfever really kicks in. Roll on autumn in my case! maybe I do need to live by the sea in the summer, for one there is often a brreeze and I don't get hayfever by the sea - just have to convince my doctor to work by the sea in summer now! Lol.

I hope you're feeling ok tonight and have another great nights sleep.

Night night,

Lisa x

Piglet
23-04-06, 00:40
Glad you are feeling somewhat better mate!!

Love Piglet :D:D

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Karen
23-04-06, 01:24
Just popping up to say goodnight Fee and I hope you've had a good day. Hopefully the lack of posts means you've been out enjoying yourself :D.

Karen xx

feege
23-04-06, 08:59
Hi y'all

Well yesterday was like going on holiday!! I was like a different person and I wish I knew why..... cos the old Fee's back now lol!

I had real problems getting on line last night - I don't know why it seems fine today... I didn't have time to try too much anyway.

I had a really difficult choice to make last night - it was my friend's birthday and we had planned a girly meal (we always do for our birthdays for the last 25 years nearly). I was feeling so well and just knew going out would undo it one way or another and nearly didn't go. She would have been really upset though. I didn't trust myself not to have a drink, because once I am out I feel so normal it seems silly not to have one, it's like I just completely forget I have problems... and so I end up joining in. I really beat myself up about it last time but myCBT lady said I shouldn't stop myself - it's perfectly normal to expect to be able to go out with your friends and have a drink or two once in a while. I don't knowingly have an allergy to it and possibly the effects are down to me being afraid that it will affect me - i.e. anxiety.

So, I went, had a lovely time, had two small glasses of wine, and had a terrible night and feel pants again. I also drank coffee and that's just downright stupid. My other friend who lives over the road came with me and came up for coffee (no I didn't have any more lol!!) and ended up talking about her grief - her husband died 10 years ago and she never ever ever talks about it. She has listened to me so much (I can't tell you how much) that I was so glad to be able to reciprocate but she was here till after 2am and I was totally overtired. And it was definitely stressful.

After she had gone I did loads of relaxation exercises and managed to avoid really spiralling - but really hardly slept. Also my tummy is very loose.

I guess I just have to accept that at the moment I am very sensitive to alcohol and coffee and try to go out and not have anything at all. I can't believe I find it so hard - it's not like I'm addicted to my once or twice a week one or two drinks and I really so desperately want to feel 'normal' whatever that is lol!!!!

I have also been trying the EFT technique of tapping which someone on here told me about and it involves rubbing a 'sore point' on your chest! And my goodness it is sore now lol!!!!

I think it's basically an NLP type technique of retraining your brain by distracting yourself while you hold and repeat positive thoughts and I do believe these techniques can work if you work hard enough at them - but it is very hard because like with the Paul McKenna stuff (which I have also dabbled with) my cynical mind just challenges everything!!!

Reprogramming your neuro-transmitters is the answer I really do think and cbt is one way of doing it, hypnotherapy another, NLP etc. But it's blooming hard work - especially when you're a hardened old panicker like me with negative and worrying thoughts an intrinsic part of your make up.

So now I don't know where I am with what made me feel better yesterday. It almost seems like the a-d was miraculous - so I am going to wait until after my cbt appt and try it again. I find it hard to believe that one tablet could have really affected me that much!!!

I did a nice 20 minute walk yesterday and fell asleep in the sun and got a bit sunburnt lol!!! I don't suppose that helped me sleep last night either! But it was heavenly:D

Oh well, another day a different set of dilemmas!

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx




Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
23-04-06, 12:29
Well done for everything you coped with and managed yesterday.

I think you answered your own question really - it was the alcohol and coffee - and so perhaps a trial period of cutting these out completely will prove or disprove the effects these substances have on you.

When is your next CBT session?

I hope you are able to enjoy today. Sorry, I'm not feeling up to being very helpful at present but I am proud of your achivements yesterday.

Karen xx

Quirky
23-04-06, 13:49
Hi Fee,

I'm glad to hear you had a nice "holiday" yesterday :D. Not good you feel bad again after going out last night though, but well done for going.

There really does seem to be a connection with alcohol from what I can see, you really don't need to have a drink to be "normal" or enjoy yourself. I know I don't drink so it doesn't bother me, but many people don't drink these days. Caffeine is the same really, definitely makes things worse. Alcohol will not help the hiatus hernia, the duodenitis, hormonal problems or the anxiety. Also most ME patients can't tolerate alcohol - so many reasons to maybe try not having any for a while. Just think you could cut alcohol, caffeine and stop smoking [:O] Ok that is a bit cruel, I am being [}:)].

Sounds like you really helped your friend last night, but you were up late and it is hard for us to listen to other peoples problems sometimes when we have enough of our own. When I am at work everyone, including clients, seem to tell me their problems, but in some ways it helps me and takes my mind off myself, but other times I take on their problems and my own and end up really worrying about them too, which I know I am also guilty of doing on this forum sometimes (I'm just too caring Lol).

I've also tried the EFT tapping technique, it involved the place on your chest you mentioned and also tapping lots of other places on the body while saying different things. I personally found it made no difference but it did make me laugh afterwards at the thought of sitting there tapping myself! Lol.
Personally I think CBT is the way to go, but I would say that as it cured me once before, well it didn't cure me I did really I guess but using CBT techniques. Not having so much luck this time though although I suspect I know why to some extent. I am very interested in NLP after seeing Paul McKenna use it so effectively though.

Anyway if you find the magical cure to why you were back to your old self yesterday, do please share :D. Sadly I doubt it was your ad tablet as they take days or weeks to reach a therapeutic dose and make a difference, but you never know!

Hope you're having a good day.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
23-04-06, 20:16
Hope you are ok today Fee.

Karen xx

Quirky
23-04-06, 22:09
Hope you've had a good day Fee.

Night night,

Lisa x

Piglet
23-04-06, 22:22
You sound like you had a belting day there mate - nice one!!!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

Quirky
24-04-06, 12:06
Hi Fee,

Hope you're ok today and still doing well, thinking of you.

Lisa x

feege
24-04-06, 18:52
Hi everyone

I've been staying off here today because I am desperately trying not to think too much... Sarah went into hospital, they are harvesting her bone marrow tomorrow which will be under general anaesthetic (aspiration) and will be kept in case she needs it in the future. They are talking about trying a stem cell transplant which we know they have never considered viable before. It all seems a bit desperate. Mark is in pieces having to take her back to the hospital this time, although she should be out again on Weds for a while.

I have felt physically much better again today and kept busy, organising car service MOT etc. then went out for lunch and a walk and a swim Chris - nice to be able to do that stuff - if I am physically well I can keep myself occupied and out of the depths of anxiety and depression...

So I know I am teetering on the edge of fear tears and anxieety but avoiding it at the moment.

I hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
24-04-06, 20:55
(((Hugs Fee)))

I think you've done so well to cope with all that going on today - and then to have me texting you on top of it all [:I]. Sorry about that.

I am thinking of you and S & M tonight and hope things work out with the operation. You know we are here for you.

Karen xx

Piglet
24-04-06, 21:17
Big hugs mate :)

Love Piglet xx

Quirky
24-04-06, 21:32
Hi Fee,

Big ((((hugs)))) for doing so well today. Seems you had a great day though doing nice things and keeping busy, well done.

I am thinking of sarah, mark and you all. I hope all goes well.

Love Lisa x

jodie
24-04-06, 21:44
hi feege

i dont think we have talked befor but i have read some of your posts.
i did watch gmtv and sarahs story
i think from what i have read you are a very loving lady and have to be strong for a lot of people you should be proud of yourself and your family you sound very brave ,i will be thinking of you all and your in my prayers .

jodie xx

feege
25-04-06, 08:40
Thanks karen, lisa, piglet. I feel very much the same today, kind of cut off from myself which is useful at the moment. Slept ok, tummy dodgy, very very sweaty all night. I have cbt today which will probably open me up which is scary if you know what I mean.

Mark was in such a state on his way home from leaving sarah back in hosp last night and she is due for the procedure right now. Poor poor kids. I am supposed to go to London tomorrow for the donor drive at my old school where sarah teaches. I find these events overwhelmingly difficult to cope with. I hope I make it - a friend is supposed to take me.

I also have to go to the doc this morning to read his report that he has written for work.

Jodie - thank you for your support - it's amazing to think so many people have seen and heard about them as a result of the campaign. We are still praying that someone who has registered in the last few weeks will turn out to be a good match rather than the mismatch we have now.

Karen - never worry about texting - I wish I could help more but I never never mind you texting or anything. I just feel so cross you are not getting the help you deserve hun...

Another busy day ahead, I have no idea how I could ever go back to work at the moment.

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
25-04-06, 11:30
Hi Fee,

Big (((((Hugs))))) for today, am thinking of you. I really hope the procedure goes (went by now) well for sarah, am thinking of her lots too and mark, they are both so brave. Fingers crossed a proper match comes along too, if anyone deserves it sarah does.

I hope the CBT goes well today and the docs appt.

I know what you meaan about work to some extent. Just out of curiosity do you think you've been worse (ie more anxious) since not being at work? I know I have at times. My doctor said yesterday the best thing I can do for myself is to get back to work however hard it is, I've been told that my nearly all the docs I've ever seen, even ME ones and I do find that my anxiety levels are alot lower generally when I'm at work regularly. Just a thought anyway, but I know you also have alot of other things to deal with right now so work may not be right for you. It is hard working and fitting in appts, if I could sleep early and have no other appts to attend I'd manage work far better.

Anyway thinking of you Fee,

Love Lisa x

feege
25-04-06, 13:15
Thanks lisa and lucy

Sarah has had the harvest done and is in recovery - they managed to harvest enough bone marrow which is good, but we have no idea what is going to happen next.

I have been on the phone to mark all morning he was so upset he just had to keep talking and I feel exhausted and so so sad....

I have cbt which is good timing. I feel very anxious again - chest pains and also that vile mouth thing that I had before I even had the endoscopy which feels like the lining of my mouth is peeling. I googled it today and it is usually a chemical reaction so I'm thinking my toothpaste or even from going swimming - I wish I could remember if it happened after I went swimming before because that's what it feels like it might well be.... of course my anxiety has kicked in and been having horrible stupid thoughts even though I know its probably totally stupid... Is it easier to worry about that sort of thing than what is going on I wonder? It doesn't feel it!!!

I read my doc's report for work and it was really good - I still haven't taken my certs in which is stupid but the thought of going there makes me so anxious.

I might try and do it now....

I hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
25-04-06, 14:04
Hi Fee,

I'm so pleased that the harvest went well for sarah. Poor mark I can't even imagine how he must feel, I'm glad you and he talked alot, although I know that must be so hard for you to deal with as well as being exhausted.

I hope the CBT goes well. Are you getting "homework" and techniques to use yet? I was given techniques to use by my second or third session the first time I had CBT.

I'm glad the doc had written a good report for you. I didn't take my certs in for ages either, not due to anxiety but because I thought they'd think I was skiving if I was well enough to go there [Duh!] I took them in yesterday though but I could have posted them if I'd thought of it. Hope you manage to get them in anyway.

I'm not suprised you feel anxious with all that is going on, you are doing well Fee, really you are. Hold onto the good bits you can manage like seeing friends, walking and swimming or even enjoying the nice sunsets (Hmm no sun here today though).

Naughty naughty for googling Lol. yes ok I won't be hypocritical, Lol. Doesn't always help though does it, but the chemical reaction thing sounds possible. You may be right though, I think sometimes it's easier for the brain to focus on something like that rather than deal with the real painful emotions it has like about sarah for example.

Anyway hope your afternoon goes ok.

Big (((((hug))))) and thinking of you.

Lisa x

feege
25-04-06, 21:06
Thanks lisa

Yes, it's not surprising but it's so hard when things spiral isn't it..

My CBT was excellent and I feel much better for it. Discussed my dilemma with medication and decided to still to dealing with my tummy and cbt for the time being, about my return to work - which I DO want to do.

Feel much more relaxed this evening so far..... I really think it is making a difference - I do have some homework too!

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
25-04-06, 21:12
Hi Fee,

Yes it's so hard when things spiral, I really do understand, I'm the spiral queen! Lol.

So glad your CBT went well, it really can help. It makes sense to give the CBT a chance before going down the medication route, you can always fall back on it if you ever want to. My CBT lady was always so positive that it can be done without medication. Glad you discussed work too and that you know you want to go back, you will in time when it's right for you. Good luck with the homework :D.

Still thinking of you and sarah and mark of course.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
25-04-06, 21:53
Hi Fee

I am so glad the harvest op went well for Sarah. It must be so hard for all of you at the moment and I think you are coping amazingly well, being there for Mark and Sarah, as well as dealing with your own difficulties.

Hope you are ok to go to London tomorrow and that the talk goes well. I can hardly begin to imagine how drained you are feeling with all of this and there I am complaining about being tired [:I].

I'm glad the CBT is helping. What homework have you been given? I spoke to Julia and Lois (both run the day hospital) today and have set a goal to avoid bingeing for a whole week. We went through some of the triggers and some coping strategies but it is going to be a struggle, particularly with the long weekend. This is more the kind of help I have been asking for though.

Sorry I didn't get your text until late due to being in a clinic session and then at the hospital for more blood tests.

Thinking of you aunty.

Karen xx

Piglet
25-04-06, 22:43
So glad Sarahs op went ok!

Fee you are doing marvellously well in very stressful circumstances and the CBT sounds like it is helping you enormously coping with this.

Rome wasn't built in a day lovie but bit by bit and little changes to our thinking patterns all add up in the longer term.

Karen - very impressed that you have this goal and that Julia etc is addressing this a bit more directly. Big hugs here for giving it a go.

I have had another 'session' and decided to keep my goals of doorstep sitting with brew in hand on any sunny days still and also to try the walking at night. I seem to need 2 weeks at anyone goal for it to sink in with me. When I read back though I can see small signs of progress so will keep plodding on.

Night night mates.

Love Piglet xx

Quirky
25-04-06, 22:46
Well done Piglet :D,

Seems like this course is really helping you. Having a goal for 2 weeks is fine, doesn't matter how many weeks it takes, you're making progress and that's all that matters. Step by step you will get there.

Good luck for London tomorrow if you go Fee.

Night all,

Lisa x

feege
26-04-06, 09:37
Thank you so much everyone...

I felt so so so positive last night and went to sleep with positive images in my head (homework from cbt - I had this image of me on a railway line with a high speed train coming at me in my head and we were working on visualising alternatives - me moving out of the way, turning the train into a puppy lol it was very funny!!).

But blow me at 2am my tummy kicked off again. I didn't panic, took my Losec early (wasn't due till this morning) and a bit of nitrazapam (my teeny eighth!) and got back to sleep - but it is still playing up today, nauseous and constipated. It is going from Diarrohea to constipation so so quickly at the moment but it's the constipation that causes the pain and acid and feeling so lousy.... Taken more colofac anti-spasmodic which ought to help but it still feels rotten and I have to go to London today. I am going, I have been visualising how lovely it will be to see Mark, Sarah, her parents, my old school etc.. but I guess my subconscious is still really really anxious although I have felt better mentally. Blooming body just internalises things, but I do believe that if I keep working with the cbt it can change, I stayed so much calmer in the night. The night sweats don't help, which are probably both anxiety and hormones rolled together.

It's a life eh?

Lucy - thanks for your support - hope your tummy is ok? Tell me all about your Losec some time?!!!xxx;);)[8D]

Lisa - my cbt lady was quite open to using a-ds but doesn't think I need them because she feels I am able to use cbt to sort things out at the moment - but with so much going on I may have to resort to them in the end - I hope not though... glad to hear you sound so much more positive hunxxx[8D][8D]

Karen I'm so glad someone is helping you to set goals and giving you the sort of support you need... I wish you could come and see my cbt lady she is absolutely brilliant - it's at the Rock Clinic in Brighton - they offer low cost cbt, medium cost etc... Don't worry about not answering me - just glad to know you are ok!xxx:D:D

Piglet that sounds fantastic - you are doing so well, it's so lovely to hear all about it!:D:D

Well I am off to London about 1pm so I guess this morning I need to keep busy and positive!

Hope you are all ok today xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
26-04-06, 10:43
Fee - big hug for London mate


((((((((((((((((((((F))))))))))))))))))))

Look forward to hearing all about it when you get home and just think how proud of yourself you will be for havin done it - we are all proud of you and thinking about you today.

Love Piglet xxx

Quirky
26-04-06, 11:39
Hi Fee,

Big (((((hugs))))) for today for London, will be thinking of you and sarah and mark. I hope it goes well. I too am so proud of you for going and how you're coping.

I'm glad the CBT is starting to help, it really can help alot of we put in the effort :D. I've never heard of the train technique though but I can see the thinking behind it and why it would work.

Lucy - sorry you're having a yuck time, hope the hospital appt goes well tomorrow.

Love to all,

Lisa x

Alexandra
26-04-06, 11:41
Hi Fee

Hope your stomach is'nt to bad today along with the palps sending big ((((HUGS))) to you.

Thinking of you

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

Karen
26-04-06, 20:37
Hi Fee

I hope today went well for you. You are so brave for going, particularly when not feeling too well.

Thinking of you.

Karen xxx

feege
26-04-06, 20:44
Hi everyone, thanks for all the hugs and support!

It went really really well.... although I'm absolutely shattered - just got in and got a cup of tea...

It's 1.5 hrs drive each way so we weren't actually there for all that long but saw M&S and her mum and dad and lots of friends and the blood tests were being done in my old school hall which I haven't been in for 35 years lol!!! Really totally surreal!

Loads of people turned up and it was such a wonderful feeling, everyone who registers just feels so good and proud and there was loads of hugging and stuff! Lots of Sarah's students were there volunteering to show people what to do etc.. they all love her so much!

She looked fine considering she came out this morning from hosp but was in a lot of pain - they made so many holes in her all round her hips to take the bone marrow but managed to get enough for two transplants if necessary/possible - providing it's clean....

I cried loads on the way home in the car but I think it was good for me. So so glad I went.

Too tired to write more at the moment - hope you are all ok. My tummy settled completely while I was there and my friend and I had some food and I really enjoyed eating... just goes to show....

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
26-04-06, 22:45
Well done Fee, so proud of you for going :D.

It sounds like it went really well, sarah sounds so amazing the way she deals with it all.

Good that your tummy was ok today too.

I bet you are exhausted so I hope you have had a nap and manage to sleep well tonight.

Is it your derm appt tomorrow, for some reason I have the 27th in my head, unless I'm thinking of Lucy who I think has the hosp tomorrow. Hope all goes well if it is anyway.

Night night,

Lisa x

Quirky
27-04-06, 13:05
Hi Fee,

Hope you slept well and are ok today and not too exhausted after yesterday.

Thinking of you.

Lisa x

Alexandra
27-04-06, 14:36
Hi Fee

So glad all went well yesterday. As Lisa said well done for getting through it.

Big hugs for you (((((((((((HUGS))))))))

Hope your okay today.

Thinking of you

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

Piglet
27-04-06, 16:35
The biggest well done for yesterday and I am glad it went so well.

Hugs :D:D:D

Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
27-04-06, 17:34
Hi everyone

I slept quite well last night considering I was so emotional all day. I haven't felt too good all day today though, spose it's just after effects. Feel so so tired and almost fluish... Managed to go out and do my food shopping with mum and friend and then crashed out again and slept for another hour. I was only awake for about 5 hours in between - typical ME symptoms - in fact I feel altogether MEish, fuzzy, foggy, woozy, weak and heavy limbed... I haven't really been feeling MEish for ages - I think all the anxiety and adrenolin has been uppermost. Maybe going up and seeing everyone for the first time for so long has changed something. I am crying so much more at the moment - since the minute I saw Sarah yesterday in so much pain.

I have woken up really puffy faced and my left eye - the side I was lying on, even looks bruised. My tummy feels horrible, so bloated and painful again - I seem to spend half my life in the loo.... never going properly etc..

It's been very humid today which doesn't agree with me anyway, never has.

Hope you are all ok xxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
27-04-06, 19:15
Hi Fee,

Sorry you don't feel so great today, but understandable after yesterday. Well done for managing to go out though.

You describe just how I feel today, ME ish! well apart from I don't get foggy and fuzzy (yet anyway). I also hate humid weather, that's partly why I hate the summer as it's nearly always humid.

I hope you have a restful evening and feel better later,

Thinking of you.

Lisa x

Karen
27-04-06, 19:51
Hi Fee

Well done for coping with such an emotional day yesterday. It is not surprising that you are not feeling so good today.

I hope you are resting and taking things easy.

Karen xx

Quirky
27-04-06, 22:18
Just saying night night, hope you're ok.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
28-04-06, 07:44
Morning..

thanks everyone again... I feel like I'm not giving anything back to people on this site at the moment, but I am struggling so hard to keep things together...

I have really bad tummy ache again at the moment - feel so bloated and constipated - it's horrible,really hurts. Just don't understand why it won't settle. Managed to sleep on and off but it's just dozing and I'm so hot and sweaty... gross.

Sarah and Mark are on City Hospital this morning at 10am and there will be a piece in the Standard too.

Will try to go swimming today if I feel ok when I get going, exercise helps with the tummy as well.

Each day just feels like such a challenge...

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Alexandra
28-04-06, 10:12
Hi Fee

You are doing well considering what you are going through personally as well as the worry over Sarah. You are a strong person who is going through alot who needs all the support you can get at the mo, which i am happy to do & im very sure everyone else here feels the same way as thats are what friends are for.

Thinking of you

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

Quirky
28-04-06, 10:30
Hi Fee,

Big (((((hugs))))) for you Aunty :).

I know exactly how you feel about each day being a struggle, but it is a struggle that you will come through and win, you are doing well and you will get there. I think you cope so well with everything.

Don't worry about not supporting others here, you do anyway by the way, you need to think of yourself (as you tell me ;)). It's hard to support others when struggling ourselves. However bad I feel I still feel I have to support others, as I've said before if I only post on my post I feel terribly guilty but that's me and I can't seem to change that, but sometimes it would do me more good to think of myself and keep off other posts.

I hope you manage the swim later but don't overdo it, you've done alot recently and had a busy day yesterday.

I hope the tv programme generates more donors and that it goes well.

Thinking of you,

Love Lisa x

Piglet
28-04-06, 13:12
With all thats going on at the moment you need to do things for you - things to balance the scales abit.

We help others when we feel strong enough to do so and its very counterproductive to do otherwise.

Little opportunities (like the swimming etc) are our restore points of the day and that's what you need.

Biggest hugs

Love Piglet xx

Karen
28-04-06, 20:17
Hi Fee

I hope you are feeling better this evening and the tummy has settled a bit. I am suffering too but mine is self-inflicted so my own fault.

You do support others, and have been a great help and support to me. I agree with what others have said though that you need to put yourself first for a change.

I hope the programme generates more donors to come forward. I am sorry I missed it.

Big hugs Aunty.

Karen xx

Quirky
28-04-06, 22:05
Hi Fee,

I hope you had a good afternoon and are not too tired.

Still thinking of you.

Sleep well, night night,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
28-04-06, 22:47
Hi everyone

I felt so miserable I went to Matalan with mum and bought myself some espadrilles[:I].. it did help though!!! £10 well spent:D

Then I slept for 2 hours[:O] and woke up and it was sunny so I phoned my friend and we walked down through the park into town, had some chips and dips in a pub and met up with some friends (yes you guessed it I've had a pint of lager - I suppose I'll be up all night... grrrrr[:I]).

It was really pleasant - back before dark too! Giggled at Have I got News for you and the Grumpy Old Men... and absolutely nackered again!

I just so needed to keep busy. I have spent too much money and walked too much and had too much (i.e. any lol) to drink... but at least I feel like a human being with a life right now.

More sunshine would definitely help me so much, I am so affected by the weather....

I do hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
28-04-06, 23:02
Hi Fee,

Well done for coping so well today.

Wow you've been busy, just the housework sounded exhausting without all the other stuff. Well done for going out though and I understand the need to keep busy. I really hope the lager doesn't affect you tonight.

Sleep well,

Love Lisa x

P.S Didn't know you could still get espadrilles! Lol

feege
28-04-06, 23:31
Lisa[:O] Espadrilles are all the rage[8D][8D][8D]

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
28-04-06, 23:52
[:O] What you mean winklepickers and platforms are out then! [:O]
Thankfully I don't remember either of those trends, too young :D
I've obviously never lived though as never owned a pair of espadrilles.

Night mate,

Lisa x

Quirky
29-04-06, 11:14
Hi Fee,

Hope you had a good night after your larger and slept well.

Have a good day whatever you do, it's quite sunny here but not that warm yet.

Thinking of you.

Lisa x

Karen
29-04-06, 13:49
Afternoon Fee.

I hope you are having a good day. It is fairly warm here today but the sun is fading I think.

All this talk about espadrilles is going right over my head [Duh!]. I have to admit I have no idea what you are talking about [:I].

Karen xx

Piglet
29-04-06, 13:59
<center>YOU'VE NEVER OWNED ESPADRILLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</center>

Good gracious I will be getting some for sure although I did hear once that if you wore them the first time round you shouldn't be the second time :D:D:D

I tend to ignore that - I liked cheesecloth shirts too and may get another of those to go with my espadrilles. Have you got the sort with the ankle straps mate or just the wedge sort????

Piglet xxxx

PS - I get totally affected by the weather too hun

feege
29-04-06, 15:32
Hi everyone...

lol piglet!!! If the not wearing things the second time around thing's true I'd have to walk round naked lol[:O]

Karen - they're canvas sandals with rope soles and ribbon ties? Very 70s lol!

Actually this is my first pair so that's ok lol!!!

I slept ok [Wow!][Yeah!] so a pint of lager is allowed YIPPEEE!!!!

Been rushing around today, a friend of mine has split up with her partner of 14 years and was on the phone for an hour and a half this morning, bless her - and I had arranged to go into town with my friend so I was running late.. Had a lovely mooch round Brighton and coffee and more retail therapy [:I][:I] Oh lord, my bank balance.....

But for some reason I just don't care - I feel like I deserve it! Bought some nice t-shirts, converse trainers (I'm so immature lol) and generally indulged myself!

Plan to lie on the balcony for an hour or so now and recover - been doing a lot of walking which is good for me too.. but I am very tired.

I hope you are all enjoying some sunshine too xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Piglet
29-04-06, 15:37
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi everyone...

lol piglet!!! If the not wearing things the second time around thing's true I'd have to walk round naked lol[:O]

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 29 April 2006 : 16:32:59</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Lol - me too mate!!!

So glad a pint is still on the menu :D:D:D

May go and mow the lawn in a mo as fairly sunny here too.

Piglet xxxxxxxx

Quirky
29-04-06, 17:16
Hi Fee,

Glad you're ok and slept well despite the lager, wahey!

Sad news for your friend, bet you helped her no end by chatting. Well done for going out and doing so much, retail therapy is great therapy :D. I have spent too much recently too, like yesterday at the garden centre but I am worth it and so are you [Yeah!].

Your balcony sounds lovely, please don't tell me that has a sea view too or I will cry and get sooo jealous :( Lol. Mind you my view here is stunning too. I've been sat in the garden half dozing in a chair, it was lovely but I got too hot and had to come in. Not sure what I'll do when summer comes, it's too hot for me now! Lol.

So what colour are your espadrilles, 70's flower power? Lol No I seriously have never owned any, anything with ties would make my legs look fat I expect anyway although they're not. I never ever wear trainers either (except for sport, whatever that is?!!), in fact I haven't even got one pair anymore, and I can't ever wear flat shoes, have to have a slight heal at least but can't walk in 4 inch stilettos like I used to anymore either Lol. I hate shoe shopping since I have lymphodema in my left foot, still that saves me money!

Hope you've had a nice nap and have a good evening too.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
29-04-06, 18:31
Hi Fee

Thanks for explaining about the espadrilles! I have seen them but didn't know that's what they were called.

Sounds like you've had a good day and I am glad you've been out enjoying yourself.

Retail therapy is good :D.

Is it sunny and warm there in Brighton?

Karen xx

feege
29-04-06, 19:04
Hi Piglet - how's the lawn?! I love that smell... isn't it lovely to see the sun:D:D:D

Hi Lisa... sorry I do have a sea view - but only just! I can see the sea now sitting on the sofa, over the rooftops though - and it's southwesterly so i get the sunsets - I love it here!!! My espadrilles are white kind of crochet looking and a bit girly for me, I'm usually more of a clark's shoes and trainers type!!! I get blisters at the drop of a hat and only like comfy shoes.... I bet I only ever wear them once lol!!! But they're lovely anyway:D:D:D

Hi Karen

It's been a bit patchy here today, wasn't quite nice enough to drop off on the balcony, a bit of a chilly wind, but I had a quick walk to the park and sat out there instead with my friend and her dog which was lovely... I'm totally and utterly exhausted now, but in a nice way!

And...... nothing hurts. No anxiety, no tummy ache - I feel really well! Unbelievable!:D:D:D:D:D:D

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
29-04-06, 20:37
Hi Fee

It's great that you've had such a good day. You certainly are due for some fun and enjoyment.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">And...... nothing hurts. No anxiety, no tummy ache - I feel really well! Unbelievable!:D:D:D:D:D:D</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's such wonderful news. So happy for you Fee :).

Karen xx

Quirky
29-04-06, 21:43
Hi Fee,

Hope you're having a nice evening.

I'll forgive you for the sea view ;) Lol. You deserve to have it anyway :).

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
29-04-06, 21:58
Thank girlies.... M&S were just on the radio again.... I've been ironing.... ooops i don't seem able to stop now, need to chill out - eeek, too hyper! Boom and... oh please not this time, let me get away with it!

They are coming to Brighton tomorrow too!! Yippee - actually feel up to looking forward to seeing them..... fingers crossed...

off to see how you two are xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
29-04-06, 22:44
Hi Fee,

I am so so pleased for you in all ways :). It's great that you are seeing M&S tomorrow and that you feel able to look forward to it.
You have been so busy but I think you may just get away with it this time, you certainly deserve to, you've done so well.
I hope the radio show helps too.

Sleep well tonight,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Piglet
29-04-06, 23:32
Aww have a lovely day tomorrow mate and the espadrilles sound lovely!!!

Went out this evening for a walk to the bank with pigletee and had a lovely stroll and actually forgot to be anxious because we were talking too much.

Ooh if I could feel like that on my own life would be fab!!!!!

Night hun

Just noticed how many times I have used the word lovely but it covers it so well that I think I will leave it - lovely!!!!!

Love Piglet xxx

feege
29-04-06, 23:40
Well done Piglet!!! That sounds lovely - I wish I could do stuff like that on my own - I can do almost anything (except fly [:O]) so long as I'm with someone I trust, but not much on my own.... but have been walking about more on my own lately, it's funny how when you are really pre-occupied you can actually forget to be anxious lol!!!!

Hey - lovely is a lovely word lol!! Can't have too many of them[8D][8D][8D]

Sleep well hun xxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
30-04-06, 00:40
Hi lovely ladies

Well done Piglet :D.

I actually feel lucky that I can do so much on my own still, I wouldn't fly on my own though! I suppose I have to do things alone so I just do them not always easy but so glad I can.

Hope you sleep well again Fee and have a lovely (oops this is catching) day tomorrow.

Night all, sleep well and have lovely dreams :D.

Love from lovely Lisa x (or Looney, delete as applicable [:I])

Karen
30-04-06, 12:23
Morning Fee

I am so so pleased you had such an enjoyable day yesterday. You did so much and coped so well. It is brilliant that you had fun and also felt so well.

You are doing more by yourself and have been challenging yourself to do so much. I know you will get there. I guess we all have things that we find difficult to do alone. I'll happily go out to do things in every day life alone and will drive alone to new places now (which I wouldn't have done 18 months ago). Yet I wouldn't be brave enough to go to the gm alone. So different issues.

I hope you have a lovely (I'm at it now :D) day with Mark and Sarah today.

Piglet:


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Went out this evening for a walk to the bank with pigletee and had a lovely stroll and actually forgot to be anxious because we were talking too much.

Ooh if I could feel like that on my own life would be fab!!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You are doing more and more, and working so hard on this. You WILL be able to do this alone in time. Remember - baby steps at a time!

Karen xx

Quirky
30-04-06, 14:28
Hi Fee,

Hope you're having a lovely day with Mark and Sarah.

Thinking of you.

Love Lisa x

feege
30-04-06, 20:37
Brrrrrr it wasn't particularly lovely I'm afraid! They took hours to get here (whose idea was it to come to Brighton on a bank holiday weekend?!!!) and they were all tired and grumpy when they got here. We went to Nando's (nothing but spicy food... oh dear...) then walked down to seafront and I nearly froze to death. They were on a mission to walk round the whole of Brighton and it was too much for me so I had to get a taxi home and just couldn't get warm... I hardly feel like I saw them and just feel worn out and miserable. Mark is so tense and tired, her sister and boyfriend were obviously walking on eggshells... Sarah as always seemed to be fine! She's so amazing. Poor Mark carries all the worrying and is just so anxious.

I'm all aches and pains now from overdoing it for 3 days in a row and the cold today.

Hope to sleep ok and feel more human tomorrow...

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
30-04-06, 21:14
Aww Fee sorry the day didn't go as you'd hoped as I know how much you were looking forward to seeing them.

It is a shame you couldn't all have done something less energetic and spent more time together.

I hope you are having a good rest now and sleep well tonight.

Karen xx

feege
30-04-06, 21:28
Thanks Karen.... I do feel really flat, disappointed and a bit dismal and my tummy is already playing up from the spicy food... I didn't eat much but I was so hungry and it's all spicy there....

I hope the sun shines at least a little tomorrow, I am so affected by the weather and don't thrive in the winter... and this winter seems to be lasting forever!!!

loadsalove xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
30-04-06, 21:44
Hi Fee,

Sorry your day didn't go that well, sounds like you did well to do as much as you did, well done for that.

I hope your tummy settles down and I have ordered some sunshine for you for tomorrow.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
30-04-06, 22:07
Hi Fee

I know what you mean about the winter. It's such as shame as it was a reasonable day here today but I've often found it is colder and less sunny when I visit Brighton.

Hope your tummy settles and tomorrow is better for you.

Karen xx

feege
01-05-06, 00:22
Well I'm off to have my bath. Been feeling really grotty all evening with a whole load of annoying symptoms which I refuse to list again lol!!! I just hope I can sleep, I feel so tired and achey.

Fingers crossed for better weather tomorrow here, we have really copped it today - it's really cold wet and windy now!!! More like February than May!

Thanks for putting in the order for me Lisa! Oh and it's supposed to be colder in the East Karen - what's that all about lol!!!!

Hopefully this is goodnight... but I'm not sure! xxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
01-05-06, 00:31
Hi Fee,

A bath at this time of the night, I mean morning! Lol. If I had a bath now I'd be awake all night for sure as baths seem to wake me up too much.

Sorry you feel grotty, you have been doing alot so maybe it's that or partly that. I too hope you sleep well.

I hope the sun I ordered reaches you tomorrow, if we get it here I'll send it to you as it doesn't bother me whether it's sunny or not, in fact I'd prefer it cool again whwther it's sunny or not, saturday was too hot here.

Think this is goodnight from me too,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
01-05-06, 05:27
Hi Fee


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Oh and it's supposed to be colder in the East Karen - what's that all about lol!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Don't know but it always seems colder to me in Brighton when I am over there [:O]. Forecast is for rain tomorrow [Duh!].

Hope you managed to sleep alright (unlike me [Sigh...]) and that you feel better tomorrow.

Karen xx

Quirky
01-05-06, 11:54
Hi Fee,

Hope you had a good night and are feeling ok today.

It's sunny here at the moment, not sure how warm it is as haven't been out yet, looks like there's a breeze though.

Have a good day, thinking of you.

Lisa x

Piglet
01-05-06, 14:14
Quite cold here too when the sun goes in but I am so determind not to go back into socks!!!

Fee I am just the same about the weather as you - a run of grey days can really affect me. It's not so much the temp as the need to see at least enough blue in the sky to make a pair of sailors trousers:D

Glad you got to spend time with M&S yesterday - sometimes these days can mean so much that we expect more than can be delivered from them.

Big hugs hun

Love Piglet xx

Karen
01-05-06, 18:38
Evening Fee.

I hope you are feeling ok today and that your tummy settled down.

Can't say what the day has been like here as have been asleep all day [Oops!] but it's sunny now, so I hope you've had a nice, sunny day there.

Hugs Aunty!

Karen xx

feege
01-05-06, 18:56
Hi everyone! Thank you all for making the weather nice today!!! I went into town again this morning (took back one of my purchases - felt guilty and very skint!) then went for a walk in the park with a couple of friends. I'm trying to keep my walking going to build some strength back in my legs but they still ache all the time even though I've walked every day for the last week for a decent amount. Cancelled my gym membership cos I can't afford that with the cbt - but i don't mind so much in the summer when I can get out and walk...

My friend and I are thinking of booking a week's holiday in September in the south of france by eurostar - we've done that twice before and it's the only way i can think of getting some kind of break... it's so much more expensive than flying but sooooo much nicer!!!! She has family near Perpignan and likes to visit them, although they don't have anywhere for us to stay unfortunately!

I really can cope with my anxiety when I can keep busy but the ME makes all this stuff so tiring.... I look at all the 60+ people playing tennis in the park with such longing! My mum can walk as far as I can without getting tired, although she goes very slowly which is not in my nature and for some reason also makes my lower back ache which brisker walking doesn't.

It was so lovely to see everyone out in the park playing!! It's been sunny pretty much all day (apart from first thing when the howling wind and rain looked set for the day... I'd almost forgotten that!).

So, another good day thankfully... I just wish I could sleep right through the night for a change, I might really feel better then.

I hope you have all had a good day - off to look xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
01-05-06, 19:43
Hi Fee

Glad to hear you have had such a good day and that the weather turned out nice in the end. Luckily the forecast was wrong as usual!

The holiday sounds a great idea and will be something to look forward to. I think we all need that and sometimes think it is one thing that increases my depression at times - the fact that I don't ever seem to have anything nice to look forward to. Each day is basically the same as the one before. Need some nice, enjoyable events or days out even to look forward to.

It's great you went for a walk and I find more motivation to do this in the summer, although it's not much fun alone. Was the park the one near the big roundabout near the seafront? There was a fair or something going on there when I was in Brighton last week.

Hope you do manage to sleep better tonight.

Karen xx

feege
01-05-06, 19:57
Thanks karen xxx

I'm lucky to have so many friends, but it's still hard to find people to do what you want when you want to.... and holidays are really hard - the friend I go with is 65 and not really my perfect companion, she lives over the road and has been really supportive, but we don't like doing the same things, it's a heck of a compromise! And it's very hard for me to plan anything at the moment, I just don't know what's going to happen but I decided today to just plan it anyway as a way of having something to look forward to... if it doesn't happen I haven't lost anything hopefully!

Is the Meet up in Brighton happening next weekend? I had an pm from Jo a week or so ago and I've forgotten now - but I hope you will come if it is - that's something nice to look forward to!

I actually prefer to walk alone... well not alone, with a dog :(. I used to go all over the place with annie, and miss it so much - no having to make arrangements or walk too fast or too slow just up and off... I think I would like to walk on my own more but every time I do it now I just miss her so much... maybe that will pass with time.

I've had to let J go lol!!! He sent me a text implying he was hoping for more than just friendship and I freaked a bit during the week... I just wasn't interested in that way, but I feel a bit guilty cos he was so supportive. But better to knock it on the head now I thought... so I've just gently let him know. Sometimes I think it would be nice to meet a man but certainly not at the moment. And not him!!!!

this is turning into my diary.... lol!!!!

Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
01-05-06, 20:33
Hi Fee

I understand completely what you are saying about even when having a number of friends, finding someone who wants to do the same thing at the same time is difficult.

I'm lucky to have a good friend who lives locally but she is so busy that I rarely see her. My doctor was suggesting that I get involved in some of the activities my friend participates in as a way of being able to spend more time with her. However, the hobbies she pursues are not things that I am interested in - or could even do. One of the activities which takes a lot of her time is amateur dramatics [:O] - one of my worst nightmares!

I hope you can enjoy the holiday, even if it isn't ideal. I suppose we all makes compromises to one extent or another and at least it is someone to go with. I wouldn't go away alone and wouldn't see the point either. It would be just as lonely as being at home.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is the Meet up in Brighton happening next weekend? I had an pm from Jo a week or so ago and I've forgotten now - but I hope you will come if it is - that's something nice to look forward to!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I was going to ask you if you are still going. You need to send a PM to Jo for details, something I haven't done yet either. To be honest, I wanted to see who is definitely going first [:I].

Sorry to hear about J but if he wants more than you feel happy with then it is better to end it now. It's a shame it couldn't remain as a friendship but these things often work out that way.

Karen xx

feege
01-05-06, 20:42
I did tell Jo I was going but I can't remember what the details are - I'm such a muddle head these days!!

I hope the holiday happens, but the planning is fun anyway[8D][8D][8D]

Watching snooker at the moment! [:I][:I][:I]

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

feege
01-05-06, 22:08
LOL!!!!!!

Vanity, oh dear oh dear oh dear.... a fly on the wall tonight here would have had hysterics!!!!!

I decided I really couldn't stand my hair - I've gone a bit grey at the sides since xmas and can't afford the hairdressers... so I had some semi perm hair dye that I used to use quite regularly in the cupboard. No big deal eh? Had a bath and washed my hair and put it on. Then flushed red hot and started thinking maybe I was reacting to it (although I've used the same one loads of times..). Tried to stick it out for 20 mins, lasted 15, went to the bathroom and thought - how will I wash it off I'm going to go dizzy. Then had my first major pa for ages, full on palps, shaking, had to sit on the bathroom floor, stark naked with dye on my hair! OMIGOD!!! I was terrified I'd end up with orange hair or something - the 'MARK OF MY ANXIETY' for all to see[:O][:O][:O]

Don't ask me how, but somehow I managed to get it washed off. I did NOT go dizzy (surprisingly), and have almost stopped shaking now.

HOW HILARIOUS IS THAT!!!!![8D][8D][8D][8D]

But guess what? I'm worth it LOL LOL LOL!!!!! (and no longer grey.... well at least you can't see it - I'm probably grey all over underneath now;))

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
01-05-06, 22:30
Hi Fee.

Oh Fee, I did chuckle at the hair dye incident, I hope you'll forgive me, not laughing at your misfortune but it sounded so funny and the sort of thing that would happen to me if I ever did my hair at home. Glad your hair looks lovely now though :D. I'm sure you had no grey to cover anyway, must have been the light ;) Mind you I'm only 34 and I have noticed a few white hairs on the top of my head [:O], must have bypassed the grey stage. Thankfully my hair is blonde even without highlights so they are not visible.

I'm glad you managed to have a nice day and enjoyed some sunshine, put in your order for tomorrow and I'll see what I can do, more sun? Ok consider it sorted.

The holiday sounds fab and something to look forward too. I love france, and the food oh and the accent and the men [:P] had to add that bit didn't I [:I] Lol.
I can understand it's hard to find the perfect holiday companion but at least it's a break away to look forward to.

Sorry to hear about J, what a shame he sounded lovely and so supportive. Why can't men just stay friends sometimes?! Lol. Do you think there's any chance of staying friends only or is that it now?

Wish I lived closer and could meet you all next weekend, then again after all I've said on here I'd be too embarrased Lol.

Well I hope you have a good nights sleep, is it CBT tomorrow? if so I hope it goes well.

Night night, love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
01-05-06, 22:38
oh no apologies needed for laughing lisa - bizarrely I was laughing at myself even when the palps were so fast I couldn't see a thing... there's brown dye everywhere in the bathroom but I haven't felt able to clear up yet lol! It truly was a 4* moment!!!!

Now I'll have to do it every couple of days for the exposure LOL!!!!!

I must say it taught me a lesson..... well two actually, firstly that no matter how much I am panicking I can make myself do something and secondly I AM VERY VAIN!!!!!

I want to tell someone else about it, it was so hilarious!!! But only you guys would truly understand!!!

Hmmm yes France, food, garlic, lavendar, herbs, wine, sunshine, little hill villages, pyrenees, streams, trees, lovely shops, speaking french, aaaaaah parfait lol!! Dunno about the men though;)

I think J has taken affront at my lack of interest in him as a boyfriend. Oh well, I prefer to think of men as light entertainment anyway lol!!!! (only kidding guys[:I])

I hope my hotheaded (trust me my head was very very hot!) behaviour tonight hasn't upset my equilibrium;)

Yes, cbt tomorrow.... and it is a shame you can't come to Brighton for the meet.... well you could you know?!!! You think you'd be more embarrassed than me? I think not lol!!!!

Night hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
01-05-06, 22:45
Hi Fee,

Thanks for understanding my laughter ;). It is surprising what we can still do mid panic though isn't it, well when we have to. Just hope the bathroom isn't permanently dyed now, Lol.

Ooh la la, love your descriptions of France, for a moment I could visualise I was there, then reality kicked in Grrr. If you don't want the men, send them to me, they have to be tall dark and handsome and if they happen to be docs or cardio then C'est magnifique! Lol. Ooh reminds me of the man I flirted with on the eurostar a few years back [Oops!].

Shame about J but you know men and their pride! But it must still be flattering though, shows you're a lovely, warm and attractive lady :D.

Regarding the meet, maybe one day I will make it who knows. It would take me about 3 hours to drive to Brighton from here, even if the anxiety could cope the ME couldn't cope with 6 hours driving in one day and walking about a bit too.

Night Aunty,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

feege
01-05-06, 22:51
lol lisa

Alors! If I found a tall dark handsome french doctor I might make an exception for him and bring him home for keeps!!! I had a Eurostar moment some years ago too actually!!! Avec un homme formidable!!!

btw I may well be lovely, warm and attractive (debatable) but I am NO lady lol!!!!

Now off to bed young lady lol!!!!

Night xxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
01-05-06, 23:05
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Now off to bed young lady lol!!!!

<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 01 May 2006 : 23:51:14</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Oui manque, bonne nuit tante, sommeil bien,

Lisa x

feege
01-05-06, 23:09
Bah oui, et tu ma petite choux xxxx

(hmm rusty but colloquial lol!!!)

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
01-05-06, 23:13
Lol Fee, do you know choux also means cabbages in French! Lol. I know I'm daft but cabbage like........ so funny! :D

Lisa x

feege
01-05-06, 23:15
hmmm must be wrong spelling - it's supposed to be a bun (as in iced bun) - my friend used to say it to her daughter! Trying to be too clever eh!!![:I]

still, cabbages are nice ;);)

allez au lit!!!!!

(speaking and writing are just not the same are they - my O level doesn't help with my written french much!!!)

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
01-05-06, 23:28
Salut Fee,

I knew what you meant, choux as in choux pastry and choux buns etc but it also means cabbages, but I'm happy to be a cabbage bun, I'm a bit cabbage-like between the ears some days anyway!

I did O-level french too, I was really good at french at school, still remember the teacher too, Mrs Hubbard and she was cross eyed poor woman, but was amusing when you're young as she would get cross with us but you could never tell who she was looking at or who she was telling off!
I had forgotten alot of my french except for day trips until back in 2000 when I took a scientific job for four years which involved working with alot of french people (mostly handsome young men, it was awful ;)) but it really helped my french. When hubby and I went to paris for our anniversary a few years back I spoke to everyone in french, despite alot of them trying to answer me in english! Lol. Hubby just kept saying what did you just say, ha ha. I would love to be bilingual but never need it much now.

Anyway je suis fatigue maintenant,

bonne nuit mon ami,

Lisa x

Karen
02-05-06, 02:02
Hi Fee & Lisa

You two have me well and truly lost now with all the French conversation on here [^]. I have long since forgotten the French I did at school!

I'm afraid I had a chuckle at the hair dye incident too [Oops!]. I finally braved making an appointment at the hairdressers for Friday but can't really decide what to have done. I have been considering having a very light wave perm - as my hair is wavy in parts but it's not even - and if I have a perm I won't have to bother with this hour spent drying and straightening it.

However, like you Fee, I have some grey hairs and have been having highlights done but haven't been since December so my roots desperately need doing.

Obviously I can't have both done at the same time and I think if having a perm I need to have that done first and then wait a certain time before having the highlights redone but not sure of my facts there. So I have until Friday to decide.

Glad you coped in the end Fee and I am sure your hair looks lovely now.

Perhaps send Jo another PM about the details. I need to do that too.

Night Aunty.

Karen xx

Quirky
02-05-06, 11:49
Hi Fee,

Hope you're ok today, have a good day,

Love Lisa x

Piglet
02-05-06, 11:59
Laughed my head off at the hair dye incident - this is totally me, every time I do my roots (every 5 weeks) its like an SAS mission.

I go into the bathroom armed with everything I will need for the colouring part and everything I will need for a full on panic attack!!!!

I recently decided to change brands as the smell of the other one was makin me heave and my eyes pour. OMG you would have thought someone was asking me to parachute into enemy territory and save a nation - I couldn't be any less terrified if I was.

I stare at myself while the whole process is going on debating whether to buy an epi-pen off the internet for future colouring episodes or whether an electric toothbrush would do instead!!!!

Its a very traumatic experience and I am usually so grateful to come through it unscathed and still with hair that the colour is immaterial, after all orange goes with quite a lot of things!!:D:D:D

Can't join in with the french as I can't even do english - the girls all laughed at me hysterically when I was testing youngest on mental arithmetic and I pronounced the term 'nth', unth, when apparently you pronounce it enth!!! Everyone flocked around the mother who couldn't say the maths term and didn't even know what it meant, offering sympathy and a cup of sweet tea and discussed amongst themselves how this terrible oversight in my education had occured, did this mean they may need counselling at a future date for this terrible lack in the parenting role!!!

Big hugs

Piglet xxx

feege
02-05-06, 12:06
LOLLOLLOL Piglet what a perfect description!!!! You really have a way with words hun - you are wasted here!! (no not wasted - treasured[8D]).

I'm surprisingly pleased with it this morning. Don't know what all the fuss was about;)

About to phone work [:O]. Need to make contact!

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
02-05-06, 12:14
Lol Piglet, you are so funny with the way you describe things :D definitely have a way with words :D:D:D.

In fact you both have had me laughing over your hair (need a smily with orange hair here ;)).

Good luck phoning work Fee.

Lisa x

feege
02-05-06, 21:28
Well I've had a weird day - I was feeling really pretty good this morning.... tried to get to see my manager but couldn't so will see her tomorrow. Went to do a few chores and met chris for a while before my cbt which was nice.

My cbt seems to be going really really well, I have been really able to work with her on my anxiety and planning my return to work, I have been practising my visualisations all week and they really help. This week I will be checking how old I am every time I have anxiety, panic, fear, sadness etc... I have been very able to identify the little girl in me (now don't laugh - I told you I was immature) and am seeming to be able to use these concepts to my benefit..

This evening when I talked to Mark I felt utterly floored and don't seem to know how to deal with it. He is so depressed he is bordering on suicidal. I don't have a clue as a mother how I am supposed to deal with it. He doesn't want to talk about it properly, keeps telling me it just makes him feel worse (which I understand).... but I feel utterly helpless. I just want to go up to London and kidnap him and take him away until I have made him feel better... I know - that's all about me. I think I'm all-powerful. And I'm not.

His situation is intolerable. They don't even know what the next stage will be yet. But I know he has the skills to survive this somehow... And I know I have to accept that I cannot do any more than I am.

Sorry.... I'm rambling.... feel a bit disassociated.

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
02-05-06, 21:38
Hi Fee

I'm glad the CBT is going well and you are noticing the benefits already.

The situation with Mark must be very difficult and I can understand that you want to make it all alright for him. I can only speak as someone who has felt suicidal and say that you are already doing all you can for him. His feelings of despair are natural in the circumstances and anyone would be feeling very low. Thinking about suicide and doing it are two completely different things and I think it might help to remember he is not thinking clearly while so depressed and with all this uncertainty.

He knows you are there for him and he can turn to you if he needs to. That's really all anyone can do for someone else. As his mum I can imagine you want to take his pain away but no one can do this. He might be feeling too overwhelmed to verbalise his feelings right now or not find it easy to talk about.

(((HUGS FEE))) We are here for you.

Karen xx

Quirky
02-05-06, 22:41
(((((Fee)))))

Sorry to hear about how mark is, I agree with what Karen said there. Must be so hard Fee, for him and for you.

I'm really pleased the CBT is going so well, seems some different techniques to what I have been taught. Be careful checking how old you are doesn't cause a panic when you reaslie you're over 50 though! [:O]
I am running fast now as I deserve a slap for that [}:)] Only joking Aunty [:o)].

I hope your meeting at work goes well tomorrow.

I hope you sleep well tonight,

Night night Fee,

Love Lisa x

feege
02-05-06, 23:03
Thanks karen.... I do know that but it just feels so awful not being able to do anything to comfort him. It's bad enough with anyone you care about but for a mother it's like you really think it's your duty, even when you can't do anything....

Lol Lisa - I wouldn't catch you, I feel 90 with a 4 year old's brain at the moment!!!!

Trying to be as relaxed and positive as possible. My cbt is actually multi-disciplinary, she's using a variety of techniques at the moment which is good because it's not just anxiety I am dealing with - I think it's important for me to context the way I am reacting to all that is going on with M&S which is bringing up my underlying depression....

We talked quite a bit about how old I feel when I panic and it's always very clearly a child, and an ill child. I think that's very interesting. I'm trying to learn to comfort myself. I just have to.

It's such an achievement for me to have confidence in a counsellor and even more to really believe that some type of counselling really can help - I think I have always been cynical and negative in the past and therefore not really worked with it.

Well, fingers crossed!

I'm going to try and get to bed early tonight - hope you all sleep well xxx

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
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Quirky
02-05-06, 23:13
Fee,

You'd catch me mate, I'm 95 with no brain [:P] Lol. I'll be the one wheezing and hyperventilating as I run!

I'm so glad the CBT is helping so much in all areas and that you feel comfortable with the therapist, that makes sooooo much difference.

I can't fully understand about how you feel about mark as I am not a mother but I can imagine it must be one of the hardest things to deal with and must make you feel so helpless.

Thinking of you, sleep well, going to try and get to bed before midnight myself.........

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
02-05-06, 23:28
Hope you sleep well Fee.

It is so important to develop a rapport with the therapist you are seeing and to feel comfortable. I really hope this helps you and you particularly need this at present.

Thinking of you.

Karen xx

Karen
03-05-06, 07:20
Just saying good morning Fee.

I hope the meeting with your boss goes OK. Do you have any other plans?

Hope you have a good day anyway.

Karen xx

Quirky
03-05-06, 08:12
Hi Fee,

Hope you slept well and feel ok today.

Have a good day, hope the meeting at work goes well.

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Piglet
03-05-06, 13:06
Nothing majorly clever to say so I will give you a hug instead



<center>((((((((((((F)))))))))))</center>


Love Piglet xxx

feege
03-05-06, 17:01
Thank you laydeeez!!

I'm trying not to get negative today - but going into work was a trauma and a half...

I was very tense about it this morning so did loads of housework again and got there early. Met with my (ineffectual but nice) manager and discussed going back when my cert. ends on 18th May. She was very nice but didn't have a clue what was possible, hadn't done any checking or anything.. anyway she was amenable to me coming back for 8 hours first (two mornings) and building up in 4 hour chunks which is what I had discussed with my counsellor - but didn't know the financial implications. Then I had a quick chat with her Manager who I also get on with very well and is very effecient. She said she would check everything out for me - so it was all going very well apart from the constant bumping into friends who were asking how I was and how Sarah is and it was all very emotional and scary....

Then I opened my wage slip to discover some of my salary had been deducted. My manager just said oh phone payroll and gave me a number and this guy just said - you went on to half payon 27th April -HR should have written to you!!!!

Well, what a panic I went into! Half pay for May onwards? I'd be destitute....

Went back to my Manager's Manager and she said she'd try and find out what was going on.

Had a cup of tea with my old Manager who is now a friend and had a good cry (she's the one who's partner left at the weekend and was phoning me).

Anyway, my Manager's Manager phoned me when I got home and has sorted it out. HR made so many mistakes. First it should only have been 3 months full pay but they told everyone 4.... They should not have allowed payroll to deduct the money without informing me in advance. And they got the date wrong of when I went off.

My Manager's Manager has spoken to the Head of Law and promised me that I will be paid what I was told I would be paid - eventually.... and was really lovely and told me to try and forget it, they really want me back and whatever hours I can manage - and it will stay on full pay. Isn't that lovely?

But what a trauma - I really didn't need it. I wanted it all to be a positive experience - but the Council is CR*P!!!! (but not all the people).

So I went for a walk with my friend and got a sandwich then came back and fell asleep on the balcony and - you guessed it - burned myself again!!!! I can't believe it - I never used to be affected by the sun - you could leave me under a grill for 4 hours and I would just be warm!!!! My skin has changed completely in the last year. I don't know if it's my medication or what...

Anyway I feel a bit ropey, and haven't heard from Mark. BBC News 24 are doing a piece with Sarah today but I don't know what's going on, whether Mark has any supply work or not... She went to the hospital today too.

I'll try ringing again in a minute....

Thank god for the sun, burnt or not, I love it!!!!

Hope you guys are ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
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Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
03-05-06, 17:50
Hi Fee,

Wow what a dramatic day, well done for doing so much and coping so well. I think I just about kept up with all the managers in that story! Lol. What a pain all that stress but I'm glad it got sorted favourably in the end. The plan to go back gradually is excellent :D and on full pay even better :D:D.

It is lovely outside isn't it, I sat outside with Paddy for a while earlier, but can never bear to sit in the sun for more than a few mins before diving for shade. I burn at the slightest hint of sun, always have - pale and interesting me, or pale anyway!

I hope that you manage to get hold of Mark later and that all is ok with him and with Sarah, well as ok as it can be obviously.

Have a good evening Aunty,

Love and hugs,

Lisa x

Karen
03-05-06, 18:27
Hi Fee

I agree this has definitely been a stressful day for you and you've coped admirably. I don't know why these different departments can't co-ordinate with each other and get things right in the first place.

However, I am so glad it was sorted in the end and it is great that you can go back slowly and on full pay too. I expect that will take some of the pressure off a bit and allow you to ease back in.

Sorry you got burnt again [Oops!]. I think it would've been far more productive for me to have gone for a walk along the seafront or something rather than make myself ill again the way I have.

Hope you are feeling ok tonight.

Karen xx

feege
03-05-06, 19:06
hiya

Oh it's still so beautiful here - I just love this weather and hate having to go back to work just as it starts to get nice....

Spoke to Mark:D He seems a bit better today thank goodness... BBC News 24 seem to have done a lot of filming with sarah today, but I don't know when it will be on.

Just popped to Matalan with Chris - he's off to spain for a few days to see his parents and needed linen trousers and shirt lol!!! Men are funny[8D] He is the scruffiest person I've ever known but suddenly the night before he goes away goes and buys holiday outfits - weird!!!

I think he just wanted to see me before he went really! Bless...

Hope you are all ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxx



Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
03-05-06, 22:38
Hi Fee,

Yes it's been a beautiful evening here too, the sunset here was just absolutely amazing, we drove back home the long way tonight, up a tiny track past a lovely lake, we saw birds of prey and a deer nearly jumped out in front of us but the sunset was out of this world. I bet is was lovely there too setting over the sea.
I hate working when it's hot too, but only because it gets soooooo hot at work, we have no air conditioning where I am!

I'm glad you spoke to Mark in the end, glad he's doing better, and that the filming went ok.

Bless Chris, he sounds sweet.

Hope you sleep well, night,

Lisa x

feege
03-05-06, 23:01
Thanks Lisa! It sounds absolutely idyllic where you are! But yes, the sunset over the sea was stunning tonight....

It's lovely to have spoken a little to Mark tonight, it's made me so much more relaxed!

Off for my bath and bed now!

Night all xxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Karen
04-05-06, 01:15
Hi Fee

Glad you were able to speak to Mark and are feeling a bit better about things now.

I feel worse that Ive been shut inside in this nice weather and have even had the curtains drawn.

Hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

Karen xx

Karen
04-05-06, 09:09
Just saying good morning and hope you have a good day.

Karen xx

Quirky
04-05-06, 13:08
Hi Fee,

I hope you're ok today and having a good day.

Is it hot there too?, it's unbearable here, wish I had some sea breeze!

Lisa x

feege
04-05-06, 13:41
Morning! Oh sorry, afternoon!

What an absolutely perfect gorgeous day - nowhere near too hot for me I absolutely love love love it... all the trees are laden with blossom, everyone is out feeling happy and having fun! Been for a quick walk first thing round the shops, poking and prodding (no money sadly) and to Tesco and feel absolutely brilliant! Going for another walk now in the park to make the most of it, they're saying it's going off again... poxy country - you can never get into the nice weather and plan anything - I would love to have a picnic up on the downs, I always try and do that a couple of times in the summer...

Still not sleeping well, but that's only to be expected and my room does get very hot at night which I don't like.

Really aware of all my cbt exercises, keep going over and over the visualisations and today went for a walk on my own which I normally find hard. I don't think I would have coped with what happened with work either without it. Also when I woke in the night I had awful chest pain but I didn't let it worry me or google or anything, I just did relaxation exercises. I think it was because I am eating more and had some spicy food yesterday so it was probably acid. Anyway it's almost gone now thank goodness... but normally I would have been afraid to walk this morning in case it was heart related, but I just thought - so what if I die I die!!!! At least I'll die having a nice time!!!

So running off to walk in the sun with extra sun cream on lol!!!

Hope you are all well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

Quirky
04-05-06, 16:25
Hi Fee,

Well done for doing so well in every way! That's great to hear. Glad you're feeling good too. It's good that the CBT is really helping you.

Enjoy the sun and don't get burnt again, lol. I am very pleased to hear it's not going to be hot tomorrow though.

Lisa x

feege
04-05-06, 18:26
Thanks lisa!

I really enjoyed the sun today.. it's gone off now, hazy and possibly stormy sadly....

But I was feeling so positive and getting loads of things done and phoned the Doc to make an appt for next week, before I go back to work which was fine, but 15 minutes later the receptionist rang me back and asked me to come in and re-do my urine sample which I had done 2 weeks ago... I asked her why and she said probably cos the doctor wanted to check my infection had cleared up! I said I didn't know I had an infection - so she looked again and said oh well maybe he just wants to check it again for some other reason, if you want to talk to him call in the morning! What a pants thing to do, now I'm left with that horrible anxious feeling that something was wrong with my last test. Grrrrrr they are so rubbish - surely it's not just people with anxiety that worry about things like that?

I wish they would just handle things properly and sensitively, I am working so hard not to get anxious about anything and be positive about my health... it would be nice not to have other people upset the apple cart with their incompetence and insensitivity. I feel really angry about it. And disappointed that it has triggered my anxiety when there is probably nothing to worry about. But knowing I have a kidney tumour I am sensitive about urine tests...

oh well, another challenge!!!

Hope you are all ok xxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
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Karen
04-05-06, 20:17
Hi Fee

What a positive day for you and you have achieved so much. Seems like the sun has definitely had a positive effect on you.

It is so thoughtless of the doctor's surgery to do that to you and it amazes me how insensitive some of the staff can be. It is likely to be just a precaution and if you had an infection before it was probably not serious if you didn't realise you had it.

Lisa: How can you wish for colder and wet weather [:O]? It does match my mood though.

Karen xx