View Full Version : Shoegal's Diary Of An Agoraphobic
I find myself sitting here alone in my bedroom at 1.30am with mixed emotions. I've decided to keep a diary of my daily struggle with agoraphobia and I hope that some of you enjoy following me on my journey. :shrug:
So here's the background. I was assaulted when I was a teenager, and already suffering from panic attacks I became agoraphobic. I’m not sure how but I managed to overcome that little ‘blip’ (I suspect it might have been down to the valium that they handed out like Smarties in those days) and I later held down a good job, had my own office and travelled on a bus to and from work for 2 hours per day! I have moved house, travelled and worked in other jobs which I have enjoyed. Then a few years ago I went through a very difficult period in which I was diagnosed as borderline Lupus (not currently active) with Fibromyalgia for which I am still monitored. My Father almost died of a brain haemorrhage, my relationship ended after 11 years, my dear old dog died of liver failure and my job as a Nanny ended because the family I was working for moved away. Whilst all of this was going on I went into town one day, felt unwell, and out of the blue had a huge panic attack on a bus which scared the life out of me. Since then I have been agoraphobic (and I've not been on a bus since). :lac:
Now when I say agoraphobic I don’t mean housebound. I mean that when I go out I suffer from severe panic attacks which make going out an ordeal. One thing I was able to do alone (and enjoyed) was walking my Patterdale Terrier. Well, in January that all ended when I was struck with the most horrendous panic attack I think I've ever had in the middle of the park. After returning home, I fell asleep, woke up and was promptly sick. I assumed I had a bug. I walked my dog a couple of days later (when I felt better) and the same thing happened again. Then I was struck with a flu bug so I rested for a week. When I felt better I took my dog to the park again and had yet another panic attack. Then my ex who is my best friend was mugged and ended up in hospital, and then my sister lost two babies (this has devastated me) and my general anxiety has hit the roof. Although I feel like hiding I have been taking my dog out almost every day and I have suffered a full blown panic attack (or at least severe anxiety) every time. I can’t leave the house on my own at all now without panicking. I am very upset about this as I have now lost what little independence I had. I am fighting this with every ounce of strength I’ve got. And I’m not winning. I also have panic attacks at home (it's not just when I go out) but those seem to be more random and unpredictable.
So… today I’ve been feeling tearful (hormones) and achy and I have been cleaning the house. Suddenly, at 1am I realised I hadn’t walked the dog today. I know it’s crazy, I know it’s not normal… but on a whim I grabbed the dog’s lead, took a deep breath and walked out into the cold night air. And this time I didn’t take any valium with me. Nor did I phone anybody to distract myself (one of my coping techniques). I walked to the end of my road and around the horseshoe bend that leads up to the main road. My heart was racing, my breathing was shallow, my legs were like jelly and I was bl@@dy scared! The whole time I was challenging my negative thoughts and I tried to concentrate on the thought that my dog was enjoying his walk. I’m trying to estimate how far I went on my own and I think it was maybe 3 or 4 hundred metres, so double that because obviously I had to walk back home! Anyway, I did it and I’m really pleased with myself. I know it’s only a tiny step towards recovery but I believe every little step counts.
Despite feeling awful, in the past few days I have:
1) Walked my dog on a longer route when accompanied by someone else.
2) Taken my dog to the vets, accompanied by my sister (I was very nervous about that and didn’t sleep the night before).
3) Been to Tesco’s twice when accompanied by someone else. I even complained when I was overcharged and my friend pointed out the size of the queue behind me (shhh… the less said about that the better).
4) I went to my parent’s house for a meal.
So… watch this space for more madness and agoraphobic antics. :wacko:
Thank you for sharing - and well done for the positives at the end. :)
daydreamer
03-04-11, 19:18
Hello from a fellow agoraphobic! I'd like to just say a big WELL DONE for pushing yourself to go for a walk, small steps make a big difference in the long run. Keep on battling and I look forward to reading more of your story. Good Luck x :)
scaredstiff695
03-04-11, 19:45
well done hunni awesome xx
Despite feeling awful, in the past few days I have:
1) Walked my dog on a longer route when accompanied by someone else.
2) Taken my dog to the vets, accompanied by my sister (I was very nervous about that and didn’t sleep the night before).
3) Been to Tesco’s twice when accompanied by someone else. I even complained when I was overcharged and my friend pointed out the size of the queue behind me (shhh… the less said about that the better).
4) I went to my parent’s house for a meal.
Get you, Ms Shoegal!! You've done really really well, I hope you realise that. You've done all that in a matter of a few days!
I'm looking forward to hearing how the next few days go :)
shoegal:hugs:
what an inspiring .....and yes sad story ............thank you for posting from your heart .
you got a Patterdale ? Smashing dog :yesyes:...........and I am sure he will continue to be your partner in overcoming this illness we have on this forum.
I love dogs .
and when at my worst .......donned my dark glasses and held onto my dogs lead as if my life depended on it ........ but she led me out into the world .
dont despair please ........you and me and all us sensitive and scared people will get better ..........guess the message here is we all should have a dog :blush:
they force you out ...........and make you talk to other dog owners .....get confidence
thank you for your post .xx
I didn't go out yesterday. I struggled to get any sleep and I was feeling tearful for reasons I'd rather not go into. Today I didn't feel much better, but I felt guilty for not having taken my dog out. So I decided to go to the same corner by the main road as before. This time I asked my boyfriend to call me as chatting to someone acts as a distraction. I managed to walk to the end of my road where there is a strip of grass my dog can run about on. After he'd had a good sniff I walked up to the corner as planned (where my dog marked the occasion by cocking his leg on the lamppost)! By this point I was feeling quite panicky but my lovely boyfriend kept talking to me and told me I was doing well, and before I knew it I was back on the strip of grass letting my dog run about (on his extending lead of course). I went back home feeling exhausted, mentally drained but pleased that I'd been out. My boyfriend tells me that he's proud of me for doing well, but I just feel ashamed that I can't go further, and even the short distance that I manage to go makes me ridiculously anxious. It seems so strange that only 10 weeks ago I was walking my dog in the park without a care in the world, and now I'm struggling to leave my front gate... :weep:
Don't feel ashamed that you can't go further - you will get there, you're showing great determination. It would have been very easy to have not taken your dog for a walk the second day, but you made yourself do it. You're doing everything you can to overcome this, so cut yourself some slack and be proud :). Focus on all the good things you have done in the past few days, to give yourself the confidence that you can and will, in time, go further.
It's difficult not to feel 'stupid' for not even being able to go for a simple walk around the block with my dog. I know agoraphobia is a real illness and it's not my fault but I still can't help feeling really frustrated with myself for not being able to rise above this somehow.
Sometimes I watch people on the TV and I feel so far removed from reality. I don't mean that things seem unreal, I just mean that I see other people doing everyday things that I'm sure they take for granted and I simply cannot do those things without severe distress and anxiety. It's like watching the world go by from inside a bubble. In fact I AM inside a bubble... MY HOUSE! :unsure:
MeganBooker
05-04-11, 09:48
Shoegal - thanks for your honesty. Unfortunately I know how you feel.... You can beat this. Please keep writing if it helps you feel better because reading about you helps me in a strange kind of way - I guess it makes me realise i am not alone :)
Give that dog a big hug he is a true friend and that boyfriend is a keeper - he sounds really supportive too. You are lucky to have people around who obviously care about you.
YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!!!!
paula lynne
05-04-11, 10:55
Hi Shoegal, just seen this. Im an agoraphobic too, but getting better slowly. I hear your frustration and pain in your post. I want to say that I will be with you every excrutiating wobbly step of the way, and help you any way I can. Completely understand the "bubble"......I always say my house is my prison and my sanctuary. I understand how you feel, I was there about 6 months ago. Take each day as it comes. Little steps will get you there. Take care, Paula x
hamster lady
05-04-11, 19:37
Hi Shoegal
A big hello from a fellow agarophobic and dog owner! I have the same problem as you in that I have a lurcher to walk and I have to fight of a panic attack everytime I take her out! I once had an absolutely terrible one while walking her and I now fear one striking again, it is just so hard isn't it! It is so great to read that you have been making some progress, it gives me hope that I can do it too.
I wish you all the very best in your recovery from agarophobia, you can do it!:)
Thank you all for your kind words of support and encouragement. I spent a whole hour updating this thread earlier and then I somehow managed to delete everything, so this time I’m writing it on a word document first and then I’m going to copy and paste it! :blush:
It would be lovely to invite a friend round for a cup of tea and a chat, or to take a nice long walk outside in the sunshine. I’m sure those things would do me the world of good. Yet conversely those things (amongst others) trigger severe panic attacks in me and I just can’t do them. :weep:
Today I thought my Mum was coming to see me after she had been into town, but there was a change of plan and my Dad offered to come and see me this evening (Tuesday) instead. I decided I was going to take full advantage of having someone to accompany me on a dog walk and planned to make it a long one. So by the time my Dad arrived at 8.30pm I was in a right state!
We decided we would take the dog down by the river because he hadn’t had a good run for a few days. I was pleased for my little dog but I must admit my heart sank in anticipation of what lay ahead for me! The walk to the river involves walking along a few roads, and then walking up a footpath which leads to a bridge. Once over the bridge you are trapped on a big strip of grass until you reach the bridge at the other end which leads back onto the footpath. I had my worst panic attack EVER on that strip of grass (in fact it was the start of all this ‘can’t walk the dog on my own’ nonsense), and I really don’t like going back to the spot. Anyway, I had quite a few panicky moments along the walk, and was quite breathless and spun out, but do you know what? I DID IT! And not only did I do it, but we took an even longer route than planned because my Dad wanted to post a letter! So by the time we got back to my house we were all exhausted! Although it wasn’t long before SOMEONE (no names mentioned MR PATTERDALE TERRIER) was running off with my slippers and instigating a game of chase… :woof
I’m still not ready to go very far by myself, but I’m sure if I keep practicing the short walks on my own and go on longer walks with other people I will soon build up the confidence to go further on my own.
In May last year I took part in a Sponsored Walk for the Children’s Hospice. I walked approx 4 miles and raised approx £150. My dog was my mascot and I made a little t-shirt with the charity logo on it for him to wear (it’s a sneaky way of getting people to stop and donate money)! Anyway, I was hoping to take part again this year but with things as they are I can’t see myself being able to do it.
Here is the little scoundrel I've been telling you about. He's wearing his charity t-shirt in this picture. :)
http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/27722_385737679101_694794101_4003390_8076043_n.jpg
daydreamer
07-04-11, 16:51
Aww he's so cute, love his t-shirt too! Its always hard going back to the place where you've had a big panic attack, but you did it so well done, you should be proud of yourself.
I did a 10 mile charity walk each year for about 3 yrs in a row but couldnt do it last year because of my anxiety. I was gutted as I used to enjoy walking soooo much. Im hoping to do it this year but its not untill the summer so Im not going to think about it as yet! Theres a while yet till may, so maybe you should just do as much as you can untill then and think about it like the week before, dont worry about it now. If you dont manage to do it then you can make it your target for next year.
Well, much to my shame I haven't walked my dog for 3 days now (today being day three). I'm actually feeling quite emotional as I have my period (sorry, too much information) which always makes everything seem so much worse. I'm currently getting my knickers in a twist because I have visitors coming for Easter and another friend is coming to see me next week. I haven't had a visitor (other than family) for over 8 months and I'm terrified. There is a social element to my anxiety in the sense that I don't like people to see me panicking. It's a vicious circle, the fear that they might see me panicking is what makes me panic! It's a living nightmare! :wacko:
Anyway, my house is in need of some major TLC. I am quite a proud person and I want the house to look nice, but of course being agoraphobic means I can't just nip out and buy a tin of paint or whatever so everywhere I look I see jobs that need doing. My ex boyfriend who moved out 8 months ago STILL hasn't collected his things so I literally have a stack of boxes in my living room and more boxes on the stairs, in my bedroom, in the kitchen...
I am so fed up with it, I can't even get tools I need out of my shed because his stuff is piled up everywhere. :lac:
Anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is that things have been getting on top of me and I now have other things going on that are making me anxious. I think my sister is coming to see me tomorrow so hopefully I can persuade her to come on a dog walk with me. I hope she's coming tomorrow... I've run out of milk...
Anxious_gal
08-04-11, 23:59
I think it's awesome you are still trying and not giving up :hugs:
I myself haven't gone anywhere in two days, so been cleaning the house to sort of make up for it!
I find I cannot make plans, like I can't say oh I'll meet you in town on this day and we can go for lunch. Because i start to get anticipation anxiety and am a right mess then on the day, and I also dread letting people down.
I haven't seen some of my friends in ages.
Have a doctors appointment next week so I'm hoping to get some help as I can only get so far on my own.
what helps me is taking pride in the little things, like you still managed to go, you tried your best so you should be proud of that!
I have a problem when walking somewhere, I start to worry about how I'll manage to get back home without panicking! Thats my biggest problem at the minute.
I have PMS the last few days and my anxiety is much much worse.
I guess you could do a few things, if your visitors understand, tell them your feeling anxious and maybe go outside for a few minutes, or you could fake a headache and say your going to live down for 5 minutes, people tend to be more sympathic to headaches lol
you could try and imagine the visit and really see it going well, really feel yourself feeling calm and relaxed.
cause at the moment your doing the opposite :)
could you have his stuff shipped to him? like a friend with a van maybe?
wow 8 months is ridiculous! thats so unfair :( could tell him if he doesn't collect your stuff you going to hire someone to take it and then sue for the cost ;)
too much Judge Judy I think.
Aw I hope you get to go on your walk.
It sucks having to rely on people , I've run out of bread!
Maybe tomorrow I might make it as far as the shop :)
You'll start to feel better when your hormones calm down.
Your dogs so cute :)
Thanks for your kind words Mishel.
Since I posted on here earlier, my sister has phoned to make arrangements for tomorrow... and to tell me that she got engaged today! I'm so happy for her because she's had a difficult time lately. Apparently her boyfriend took her for a romantic picnic somewhere and gave her an engagement ring made using the diamond from a ring left for my sister when our Grandmother passed away. I think she has finally met a decent man who will look after her. :yesyes:
I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom and it's now 2.35am. I should be tired but I'm not. My muscles hurt and I feel quite sick and headachy. I'm also fighting of panicky feelings which keep rising, but I'm not going to let myself get into a state. I'm blaming my hormones... I blame them for everything!
I'm listening to an album by Royksopp (it's called Junior if anyone is interested). Here is a link to one of their tunes on YouTube. It strikes a chord with me because it reminds me of how I feel when my boyfriend isn't around. Not literally of course, but it's so hard being stuck at home when everyone else is OUT THERE... LIVING! Agoraphobia is such a lonely, isolating illness. And to be fair I have pushed everyone away because I'm scared of what they will think of me if they see me like this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfckrfOYAy4
Anyway, my sister is coming round tomorrow night to show me her ring. :ohmy:
She has offered to walk the dog with me and to take me shopping and I'm already nervous about going out. :wacko:
Anxious_gal
09-04-11, 03:45
wow he's sounds like the perfect man, aw you sister must be so happy :)
He seems too know your sister well since he used the diamond for the ring, thats the most romantic story I've ever heard :)
I'm feeling kinda the same, very tense muscles, yeah I hate those nights when you feel like your trying not to panic.
I find I cope much better in the day than than at night.
sorry to hear your feeling unwell :hugs:
I remember an oldish music video where she was in like box :)
Yeah it does suck when people are out having fun while your home, then you get to hear all the gossip later.
It'S good you have a boyfriend, for the company and the cuddles :D,
I had managed to hide my agoraphobia, but last 8 months I've only seen my friends a few times, except for the one friend that knows.
aw I hope you manage to get the milk, if not maybe your sister would pick up some shopping for you.
Hope it all goes well tomorrow :)
Well… it’s been a while since I last posted.
On Saturday 9th April my sister came to see me as planned. She showed me her gorgeous engagement ring and we chatted for a bit, and then we took my dog for a walk. I don’t know why but I was incredibly anxious and felt out of breath and spaced out the whole time. We also went to Tesco because I needed milk and a few bits and I had a panic attack at the till because there was a big queue behind me and she went to the self scan machine! It wasn’t a severe panic attack and I don’t think anybody noticed, but I still wish it hadn’t happened!
On Sunday 10th April my Dad took me shopping for a few bits and we took my dog for a walk. He said to me ‘You have to get over this’ as if I’m not trying and can just make it all go away by magic. I know I have to get over this, but how is a whole different matter!
On Monday 11th April I think I had a nervous breakdown (hence my reason for not posting on here for a while). I was talking to my boyfriend over the internet and we had a bit of an argument. It was nothing serious and I can’t even remember what it was about, but because I was upset/angry I had a panic attack. Now I’ve had plenty of panic attacks in my time, but this was the MOTHER of all panic attacks and I couldn’t make it stop. I started pacing up and down my bedroom, I cried, I sat on the edge of my bed and rocked, I cupped my hands over my nose and mouth and did my breathing exercises… but NOTHING helped. I took Diazepam as a last resort and it still didn’t stop. In the end I was so scared I asked my boyfriend to come over. I eventually fell asleep on the bed for a couple of hours (presumably because of the Diazepam I had taken) but I woke up panicking again. My boyfriend arrived 4 hours later (he lives many miles away) and he basically stayed with me for 10 days. During that time I have been a nervous wreck and I’ve given myself a real scare.
On Wednesday 13th April I phoned my Doctor but she was away and I spoke to another Doctor. She told me to take Diazepam until my own Doctor was available to advise me. On Thursday I spoke to my own Doctor who told me to take Diazepam three times a day (for 3 days ONLY) and to start taking Citalopram immediately. She suggested Pregabalin but then remembered that I’m athsmatic and can’t take it. I have tried SSRI’s before and each time I have been extremely ill. She told me to continue taking the Citalopram regardless of how bad they made me feel and she told me I had to stay on them for at least a month. She also told me that she won’t give me any more Diazepam until I have tried other things (which I have done). I understand that Diazepam is addictive but threatening to stop prescribing it and blackmailing me into taking other meds when I’m having a breakdown really doesn’t help!
I have suffered from agoraphobia for a long time, but the panic attacks are usually triggered by things outside the home and they never last for very long. This has been very different. These panic attacks have lasted for hours and have been coming and going all day and night for days on end. During the time that my boyfriend was here I think I managed to walk to Tesco three times, and walked my dog maybe three or four times. I have lost all my confidence now and haven’t even attempted to leave the house on my own. :weep:
As you can see I haven’t been posting on here for a while although I did keep a bit of a diary for a few days (see above).
I don’t know what has happened to me? I used to be agoraphobic but I seem to have developed general anxiety as well. I hurt all over and have somehow triggered off a TMJ flare up which is causing me a lot of problems (like I don’t have enough already)! I am now really scared of being alone which is difficult because I live alone and see my Mum or Dad for half an hour once a week when they drop off my shopping. Other than that I don’t see or speak to anybody (well I do speak to my boyfriend on MSN sometimes but he has depression and hasn’t been talking much lately). I have nobody to blame but myself for this as this is all of my own doing due to the panic attacks and social anxiety.
I have not dared venture out of the house on my own for about 4 or 5 weeks now. I’m finding it difficult enough just going out into the garden with my dog because I feel so trembly and lightheaded. I’m worried I will actually faint (although to date I never have). I can honestly say that I feel like I’m in hell right now and I’m just waiting for this ‘episode’ to pass.
I did try the Citalopram by the way. I took ONE tablet and within an hour I was shaking and ended up vomiting all night over the toilet. I realise my reaction could have been psychological but why have I only reacted this way to some meds and not others? I did very well on an anti-depressant called Dosulepin but unfortunately they recently discovered that it causes heart problems so I can’t take that one anymore. I have been diagnosed with chemical sensitivity and I think that is why I just don’t do well on some meds, although like I said there could be a psychological element to my reaction. Anyway, after a night like that I didn’t bother taking any more Citalopram, although I’m thinking of giving it another go sometime.
My lovely boyfriend came to see me again last week. I was so looking forward to seeing him but he was so tired when he arrived and spent 24 hours asleep, and then when he woke up he had an awful panic attack and went home. I wanted to be a support to him but I suppose he needed the security of his own room (although he isn’t agoraphobic). Since then he has been suffering from another bout of bad depression and hardly speaks to anyone. It’s very upsetting for me to see him like this and it’s also very hard to deal with the rejection (although I know it’s not personal as he does it to everyone).
On top of everything else I have just found out that my parents are going to be abroad for 2 weeks (they leave on Tuesday) and my sister lives at the opposite end of the country so I’m really scared about being so alone. I can’t ask my boyfriend to be with me because he has his own problems right now. I feel so isolated and I’m terrified that something is going to happen to me and that there will be nobody I can call for help. I know that sounds silly but it’s what this blasted anxiety has done to me. It’s hard to believe that I used to be a successful independent woman who used to make a difference to people’s lives!
paula lynne
16-05-11, 11:38
Have PMd you. x
Thanks Paula Lynne. I have sent you a reply. You have been a great support to me, thank you. xxx :flowers:
hamster lady
16-05-11, 18:22
Hi Shoegal
I am so very sorry to hear that you have been having such a bad time with your anxiety, I really feel for you as I have been there myself and I know how awful it is, it just feels like hell. I thought I hadn't seen you around on the forum for a while and I was hoping that it was because you were feeling better. I was so sad to hear that you have been feeling a lot worse.:weep: I know what you mean about feeling like you are having a total nervous breakdown, I have felt like that myself a couple of times and it was absolutely horrendous. I had had a really bad day and was terribly worried about my son and I was standing at the sink doing the washing up when this awful feeling came over me like my body just couldn't take the anxiety anymore, I felt like the whole world was caving in on me. There is nothing worse than having panic attacks at home in your safe place.:shrug:
I really sympathize with you about feeling really anxious when you are on your own. My parents are going on holiday next week and they normally come over and visit once a week so I get some company while my husband is at work and I get to give my dog a lovely long walk. Have you got a friend who could come and visit you while they are away so you don't feel so alone? I am on the forum most evenings so please feel free to pm me if you want a chat or just to off load. I really hope you feel a little bit better soon, please keep in touch. hamster lady:flowers::hugs:
Thank you for your kind words Hamster Lady. I will send you a PM when I have finished writing this. :)
I’m not sure but I don’t think I have left the house for 3 or 4 weeks now (I’ve not been counting). So last night I decided to be brave and venture out.
Friday 20th May: My Dad came round to take me out at about 7pm and by the time he got here I was a wreck! I was tired, I felt sick, and to top it all off the 2mg of Diazepam I had taken didn’t seem to be having any effect. I told him I didn’t feel like going out but to challenge myself I asked if we could go to Tesco in the car to use the cash machine. I was scared to even get in the car let alone anything else! So off we went, and we parked outside Tesco. There was a queue to use the cash machine and I joined it. By the time it was my turn I was all fingers and thumbs and my heart was racing, but I withdrew my money and walked away. And then I surprised myself by saying ‘Let’s pop into Tesco’. So we went in and had a quick look around. In the end I just bought a magazine but that involved joining a bit of a queue so I was quite pleased with myself for doing that! Then we got back in the car and Dad said he wanted to go to the big superstore Staples to look at office chairs. I didn’t want to go but he talked me into it. So off we went. We had to join rush hour traffic and I had a huge panic attack in the car. By the time we got to the store I was in tears and was in a right state. But I got out of the car and went into the shop anyway. I kept getting whooshes of really bad panic but I stood my ground and stayed in the store. It was lucky we were looking at office chairs because I was able to have a sit down, lol! Anyway, we were in the shop for about half an hour and all was well until Dad started chatting to one of the assistants. My panic rose to new heights and I had to get out of there. I took the car keys and went out and sat in the car. I tried to phone my sister to take my mind off things but she didn’t answer her phone. By the time my Dad came out to the car with the chair he had bought I thought I was going to have a heart attack! All my muscles had seized up and I was in agony as well as panicking. Anyway, Dad then said he wanted to go to Lidls to get some food bits. I said there was no way I could manage to do a food shop in the state I was in but he insisted on going anyway. He left me outside the shop in the car while he did a bit of shopping. While I was in the car panicking I decided to call my boyfriend for support but he didn’t answer his phone either! I can honestly say that I felt like I was going to die. I mean I knew in my head that I wasn’t, but physically I felt absolutely dreadful. I was so scared. :ohmy:
In total I think our trip lasted an hour and a half and I spent most of it panicking. When I got home I was really panicky, my muscles were stiff and painful and my TMJ jaw had seized up and was locking so I said I was taking a Diazepam to relax my muscles. I couldn’t stop shivering and my teeth were chattering like mad! Dad said I should try to manage without Diazepam but I thought ‘Sod that! I’m not a martyr’! I took 1mg of Diazepam and had a lie down while my Dad kindly took my dog for a walk. He tried to persuade me to go with him but I was in no fit state sadly. I did look out of the window because I considered walking up the road to meet them when they returned from their walk, and as I looked out I saw my Dad chatting to a lady across the road and my dog was playing with her dog in the street. It made me smile to see my dear little dog having fun and made me feel so bad that I can’t take him out at the moment.
So… there you have it. I’ve been for a ride in the car, been to the cash point, been to Tesco, been to Staples and been to Lidls (although I stayed in the car there).
Saturday 21st May: Well I only got three hours sleep last night. I kept waking up panicking throughout the night. I hurt all over today. I literally feel as if I have been pushed down the stairs. Every muscle REALLY hurts. I do have Fibromyalgia but I think the muscle pain has been triggered off by yesterday’s episode. Dad has been talking about taking me to get some food shopping (for me) but I don’t think I can venture out today the way I’m feeling now. I wish I had just stuck to going to the cash point and to Tesco (as I’d planned) because I had coped with my panic up until that point and I would have returned home having had quite a positive experience. I think I pushed myself too hard, and having such a bad experience will make it harder for me to go out again next time. I really do think taking baby steps is the best way to go with agoraphobia (at least for me). You really can’t win with this illness can you?!! :shrug:
I just read all of your diary posts thus far. I completely understand how you are feeling. I had a massive breakdown last year and was having constant panic attacks every day, sometimes they lasted for the entire 24 hours I think!
I remember being at tht point where even a trip in the car to the shops terrified me, and even being at home alone made me shaky and scared.
The hardest part for me was definitely getting through the panic attacks. I knew I wasn't dying deep down inside, and that it was all in my head, but the sheer terror and pain that I felt was paralysing.
I remember being terrified to even walk to the letterbox in case something happened. I don't know what that 'something' was, it was just 'something' scary and life-threatening.
It took me a good year to get to where I am toda, and I'm still a bit of a nervous wreck at times, and I get really uncomfortable going anywhere on my own, but the point is that I can do it now without a panic attack. The only reason my recovery was so quick and sturdy was because I was lucky in the sense that I still live at home, and my parents can afford for me to see a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and I have been lucky enough to find a medication that agrees with my body extremely well (fluoxetine). I did have problems with a few drugs though (mostly because I was so terrified of taking them that I made myself sick) and a horrendous experience with one drug, so I can definitely sympathise with your medication sensitivity!
I cannot imagine living out of home, or alone, and trying to deal with this! I couldn't even sleep on my own. You are an absolute inspiration to me! And may I say, you are doing a FANTASTIC job just by getting out there and in that car, and especially lasting a couple of hours mid-panic.
Remember, every achievement, no matter how small it may seem, is a massive step in the direction of recovery.
I am proud of you :)
Thank you amieekid. You just brought a tear to my eye. It's so hard when you are in the middle of this to see how it will ever get better, but I know deep down that it will. It's just so exhausting feeling like this all the time.
It gives me hope when people tell me they have been in the same situation as me and that they have improved. May I ask whether you had any help (medication or counselling) or whether you did it on your own? I am currently struggling to do this on my own but I am planning to download some CBT workbooks to work through. I would be happy if I could just get to the point where I could walk my dog on my own again. Not being able to do that has broken my heart. I did not rescue him to give him a rubbish quality of life which sadly I feel he has at the moment. Admitting that just made me cry...
Anyway, thank you for your support and words of encouragement.
It is ridiculously exhausting. Not to mention suffering from fibro at the same time! I also got blessed with the fibro, so I know how hard things really can get when you get really stressed out. The panic attacks are bad enough without the massive fibro flare-up the next day!
I definitely didn't do it on my own, as much as I wish I could have. I was in an extremely bad state, and I was at the point that I couldn't even eat. I suffered from depression in high school, so the first thing my mum did when I came back from overseas in such a mess was send me to the doctor who put me straight back onto my old psychiatrist. He didn't want to put me on my old medication (fluoxetine) in case it didn't work because I'd already used it, so he tried me on a cuple of other drugs which ended terribly (probably because I was so set in my mind that I would have bad reactions to them and die). In the end he put me back on fluoxetine which really did start to help after a month (it's a slow working drug, so it takes 6-8 weeks to start having an effect). So I was on fortnightly psychiatrist visits (which included CBT and counselling), as well as medication.
I was also lucky enough to be living at home still with my family, so I had a lot of constant support (and pushing). It was hard when they pushed me to do things that I felt I wasn't ready to do, but it was good to have people around too push the boundaries I had set in my mind.
I will admit to you that I was so sick that I could not sleep by myself in fear of dying. I slept i bed with my mum whenever my boyfriend couldn't stay over, and it took me a few months to try sleeping on my own again (lucky I learned that one because my boyfriend has now moved out of town!)
I'm sorry that you are so heartbroken by not being able to get out there and walk your dog. I was in the exact same situation. It would make me so upset because she would come and cuddle me when I was really sad and she would try to cheer my up, but I couldn't even take her for a walk around the block.
I think it is absolutely amazing that you are trying to do this on your own. I could never have done it myself, but in saying that I am a very emotionally dependant person, and I've never liked to do things alone.
Some advice I can give you is to try and do a little walk every day. I know how terrifying it is, and how hard it is, but even if you can walk 100 metres, or to the next house and back, it is a step towards recovery. Likewise, when you do start to panic and want to turn around and go home, take two more steps then go back. It souns silly, but it is something that really helps, and it is something they teach you in CBT. Then each day you try to go just that little bit further, even if it's only 5 steps further. Definitely read some CBT books, they are really helpful. really reassuring too just in themselves.
I have so much respect and admirtion for you for being able to do this on your own. You are an amazingly stong person.
Thank you for your words of support amieekid. I really don't feel like a strong person right now (in fact I don't think I've ever felt strong now I think about it)! :flowers:
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