inflatable_twerp
03-04-11, 19:50
Hi, I've been using these forums as a way to help combat the near-petrifying health issues I've been undergoing as of lately, and I finally decided to register up and post some things, because life never used to be this freaking scary and I'm not coping well (but we'll get to that when I post up my full story).
You guys can call me Jerry, it ain't my real name, but I'm going to be using it here because, well, I rather like it. I was your sub-standard teenaged hellraiser up until last month, when I turned nineteen, and it suddenly dawned on me that I might actually be growing up. Sad days. Since then I've cut my hair and cut back on all the teenaged things I used to enjoy doing so much, but that's probably also due to anxiety. For a while when you're a teenager, you feel goddamned invincible, but recently I've figured out that I'm just as easily combustible as anybody else, and that death can be a stupidly inconvinient event that can happen whenever it damn well wants. The only time I've ever been this scared of death was when I was a kid. To use a poor metaphor, it feels as if the grim reaper is breathing down my neck, tapping his skeletal fingers on an hourglass that's on it's last few grains of sand.
I'd like to say I'm a writer, but I often lack the energy to write anything, so perhaps it would be more accurate to say I'm a glorified slacker. Even more accurate to just call me straight up unemployed. My stories are focused around sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll (or drum & bass, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks and all that), so perhaps it should be easy to see where my anxieties stem from. I've partied hard in my time, and now it's starting to catch up with me. This makes it hard to tell whether just my nervous disposition is a bit fried up or whether what I'm undergoing is a one-in-a-million actual life-threatening side-affect of a party hard lifestyle built on foundations of alcohol, marijuana and whatever chemicals are floating around.
My favourite types of music range from experimental jazz metal to stoned grunge rock with all the alternatives, psychedelics and indies in between. Fave bands include Nirvana, Dog Fashion Disco, Alkaline Trio, Blur & The Doors. I also enjoy weird films, though my favourite is Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, as is my favourite book, but to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for that blasted book. Damn my impressionable youth! Hunter S. Thompson has a lot to answer for, the swine.
I don't wanna go boring you guys with all the various drugged up misadventures I've been on, but I do feel it's important to mention for understanding my current headspace. I'm currently sober, have been for a month now, but the anxieties are still lurking at the back of my mind (and my heart, and my lungs, and my stomach, and my bowels, etc etc you get the picture). I know that I've probably gone and dug my own grave here with all the stuff I've shoved up my nose, but if I thought for one second I'd be panicing my way through everyday, I'd never have done it in the first place.
In a nutshell, I feel as if I could be dead next week, the drugs don't work anymore, life lacks the lustre in once had and it makes me glum & I'm freaking the hell out. Nice to meet you folks, hope you guys can help me get back on the right track, because right now I feel like a dead man walking.
Peace & Love & All The Good Things
- Jerry
You guys can call me Jerry, it ain't my real name, but I'm going to be using it here because, well, I rather like it. I was your sub-standard teenaged hellraiser up until last month, when I turned nineteen, and it suddenly dawned on me that I might actually be growing up. Sad days. Since then I've cut my hair and cut back on all the teenaged things I used to enjoy doing so much, but that's probably also due to anxiety. For a while when you're a teenager, you feel goddamned invincible, but recently I've figured out that I'm just as easily combustible as anybody else, and that death can be a stupidly inconvinient event that can happen whenever it damn well wants. The only time I've ever been this scared of death was when I was a kid. To use a poor metaphor, it feels as if the grim reaper is breathing down my neck, tapping his skeletal fingers on an hourglass that's on it's last few grains of sand.
I'd like to say I'm a writer, but I often lack the energy to write anything, so perhaps it would be more accurate to say I'm a glorified slacker. Even more accurate to just call me straight up unemployed. My stories are focused around sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll (or drum & bass, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks and all that), so perhaps it should be easy to see where my anxieties stem from. I've partied hard in my time, and now it's starting to catch up with me. This makes it hard to tell whether just my nervous disposition is a bit fried up or whether what I'm undergoing is a one-in-a-million actual life-threatening side-affect of a party hard lifestyle built on foundations of alcohol, marijuana and whatever chemicals are floating around.
My favourite types of music range from experimental jazz metal to stoned grunge rock with all the alternatives, psychedelics and indies in between. Fave bands include Nirvana, Dog Fashion Disco, Alkaline Trio, Blur & The Doors. I also enjoy weird films, though my favourite is Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, as is my favourite book, but to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for that blasted book. Damn my impressionable youth! Hunter S. Thompson has a lot to answer for, the swine.
I don't wanna go boring you guys with all the various drugged up misadventures I've been on, but I do feel it's important to mention for understanding my current headspace. I'm currently sober, have been for a month now, but the anxieties are still lurking at the back of my mind (and my heart, and my lungs, and my stomach, and my bowels, etc etc you get the picture). I know that I've probably gone and dug my own grave here with all the stuff I've shoved up my nose, but if I thought for one second I'd be panicing my way through everyday, I'd never have done it in the first place.
In a nutshell, I feel as if I could be dead next week, the drugs don't work anymore, life lacks the lustre in once had and it makes me glum & I'm freaking the hell out. Nice to meet you folks, hope you guys can help me get back on the right track, because right now I feel like a dead man walking.
Peace & Love & All The Good Things
- Jerry