missmay
04-04-11, 07:56
Hey everyone,
So, first timer here. Never had the courage to seek out help, no matter so scary it can get. But I'm learning to suck it up, to remind myself that everyones needs help at one point.
So, lately I've been experiencing a low heart rate (average 45), accompanied by severe chest discomfort, further left from the centre. The last two nights, along with those issues, I've experienced shortness of breath, dizziness, and the one symptom that doesn't seem to make sense is the tingling numbness on half of my left hand. It started yesterday and continues to happen. Hasn't lessened at all. I've been scared to sleep the last few nights, and I hate to work myself up for nothing. I guess I'm more conciouse due to my background. This may help find an answer. So, I've struggled with an eating disorder now for 16 years. I am currently 25. I've had issues with my heart and others things in the past, but when I get to a certain point in my illness, the pain doesn't seem to exist, so I forgot to worry. When I left one treatment centre in 2008, I immediately begain bingeing and gained an excrciating amount of weight. I felt absolutely disgusting. I was a total failure. I continued bingeing until I reached an ultimate low of 195. That's not where my body is meant to be and I had to do something. In three months I went from 195 to 140, using the only methods I knew how. Because I lost the weight quickly and dangerously, my health began to suffer and had to be readmitted in treatment,even though I still considered myself a fat disgusting slob. I stayed for 6 weeks before prematurely discharging myself. I've been out of the hospital now for 3 weeks and have gone from 140 to 121 pounds. I miss being 70 pounds. Although I was limited as to what I can do, I remember feeling at least a little content. At least I was small. 70 pounds for a 22 year old isn't bad... I'd give anything to achieve that again, but I feel like I'm going a little too fast. I want fast results, but I wonder at the extent I'm going to, have I caused something serious to myself. The saddest part I don't think would be to die, but to die a burden, a fat, miserable, disgusting slob. Who thinks only of myself. I'm hurting everyone around me, and I'm not doing anything to stop it. I want to but I can't. I lost all control, the control we all wish to express. Sorry to have just gone on a tangent but rarely do I get to express how I feel. So if anyone has any sort of advice, I'm open to anything!
So, first timer here. Never had the courage to seek out help, no matter so scary it can get. But I'm learning to suck it up, to remind myself that everyones needs help at one point.
So, lately I've been experiencing a low heart rate (average 45), accompanied by severe chest discomfort, further left from the centre. The last two nights, along with those issues, I've experienced shortness of breath, dizziness, and the one symptom that doesn't seem to make sense is the tingling numbness on half of my left hand. It started yesterday and continues to happen. Hasn't lessened at all. I've been scared to sleep the last few nights, and I hate to work myself up for nothing. I guess I'm more conciouse due to my background. This may help find an answer. So, I've struggled with an eating disorder now for 16 years. I am currently 25. I've had issues with my heart and others things in the past, but when I get to a certain point in my illness, the pain doesn't seem to exist, so I forgot to worry. When I left one treatment centre in 2008, I immediately begain bingeing and gained an excrciating amount of weight. I felt absolutely disgusting. I was a total failure. I continued bingeing until I reached an ultimate low of 195. That's not where my body is meant to be and I had to do something. In three months I went from 195 to 140, using the only methods I knew how. Because I lost the weight quickly and dangerously, my health began to suffer and had to be readmitted in treatment,even though I still considered myself a fat disgusting slob. I stayed for 6 weeks before prematurely discharging myself. I've been out of the hospital now for 3 weeks and have gone from 140 to 121 pounds. I miss being 70 pounds. Although I was limited as to what I can do, I remember feeling at least a little content. At least I was small. 70 pounds for a 22 year old isn't bad... I'd give anything to achieve that again, but I feel like I'm going a little too fast. I want fast results, but I wonder at the extent I'm going to, have I caused something serious to myself. The saddest part I don't think would be to die, but to die a burden, a fat, miserable, disgusting slob. Who thinks only of myself. I'm hurting everyone around me, and I'm not doing anything to stop it. I want to but I can't. I lost all control, the control we all wish to express. Sorry to have just gone on a tangent but rarely do I get to express how I feel. So if anyone has any sort of advice, I'm open to anything!