Bad mother/daughter relationship

[Saor]

Long story short, I cut contact with my mother 4 years ago because I had to, she has all but destroyed my life. I believe she is mentally unwell but has never sought help for it even though a doctor once called my Dad to tell him to get her psych evaluated.

I have GAD/Depression and have been doing well for the longest time since being diagnosed. Then yesterday was mothers day and also my birthday, which is why I think she phoned me out of the blue. I felt fear when I heard her barking my name down the phone so I just hung up. I was shaking after it, I haven't stopped crying since, my friends think I should sit down and talk it out with her but they don't understand, they all have good relationships with their mothers so could never get it. I never want to speak or see her again, I've been so happy the last 4 years without her toxic input in my life.

Am I alone?

PS. Please...I don't want to read advice from people who have good relationships with their mothers because you could never understand this situation.

[Em.ma]

Hi.
I dont have a good relationship with my mum either. Im only 17 so im still at home but i hate it and it makes me unhappy. I know how you feel about not being able to talk to her as i dont feel like i can to and my friends dont understand that. She mentally drains me and it effects me. I dont know what advice to give but i just want to let you know that you are not alone x

[Saor]

Hi.
I dont have a good relationship with my mum either. Im only 17 so im still at home but i hate it and it makes me unhappy. I know how you feel about not being able to talk to her as i dont feel like i can to and my friends dont understand that. She mentally drains me and it effects me. I dont know what advice to give but i just want to let you know that you are not alone x

Thanks Emma....I'm 33 but lived with it until I was 19 and tried to have a relationship with her up until 4 years ago when I realised it was to my detriment. I did try.

[Em.ma]

I dont know what my realtionship with my mum will be like in the future. As long as your happy not having her a part of your life then i say carry on but its up 2 u x

[kibbutz83]

Hi Saor, I could've written your post! There aren't many people who understand our position or feelings, unless they are going through it. I found with my mother that I had no option but to cut ties (also about 4 years ago) as she was destroying my self-esteem and self-belief day by day. I believe that she has a personality disorder which makes her unable to connect or empathise with anyone, and all she does is bully people. She always believes herself to be blameless and faultless, and reminds me of a brick wall!
I sympathize with you, as I know how guilty it can make you feel... but self-preservation is first and foremost! I also suffer with terrible anxiety and panic, which I now know I "learnt" from her :( Does she try to control you? Does she believe that she always knows best?
I tried so hard for so long to explain how I felt, but she NEVER wanted to hear me. We had a "meeting" a couple of years back, which I guess was my "closure". She couldn't get her way, so she had one last try at control, and said "you need to go and have a brain-scan", as my friend pushed her out the front door! It's a sad truth Saor, but some relationships can never be mended or balanced. Looking back, I don't think we ever had a good relationship, all I felt for her was fear and sadness :(
You will get over the pain and unease you're feeling now, just give yourself time.
I wonder if there is more to your story than you've said on here? There is so much to mine, but I can't write it all, I'd bore you to death... Stay strong, and know that you're not alone. You can pm me if you like :) x

[blueangel]

I too had a bad relationship with my mother that I was never able to resolve. My dad became ill with MS when I was aged 2 1/2 and then spent most of the rest of his life in hospital. When he died, my mother decided not to tell me about this for over three months, and after this I understandably found it extremely hard to trust her.

I was never allowed to grieve for my father and was subsequently bought up by my mother and grandmother, who were in the main cold and critical.

I left home as soon as I could (when I went to college) and then two years after that, my mother had a brain haemorrhage and although she survived, she was never the same person again which meant that I could never confront her about any of it, nor attempt to resolve any of it.

I had very little to do with her for the last 15 years of her life and she eventually died in 2001, some 20 years after her original brain haemorrhage. It was very odd for me after she died, but I didn't feel any lasting sense of guilt at not being a "better daughter", as I don't think that there was much I could do about it.

[aislynn]

me too, my mother has made me the quivering wreck of a person I am today. I have no self esteem, confidence or self worth.
I am 46 by the way. I've not seen her for 13 years and I've only spoken to her half a dozen times in those years.
I'll post more tomorow.

[tgeahry]

Sorry this post will be long but I need to vent. First I'm 46 remairred and have a 5 year old son. I was married before but my husband died a horrible death from copd! I was adopted at 5 days old and not allowed to ask questions about birth mother! My relationship with my mother was not bad because I never said anything She had breast cance and got messed up from the kimo they gave her to much got all cancer But per doctor had to go to nursing home for 3 weeks in January. She never tried therapy and wanted to go home checked herself out and couldnt even walk. The next day I tried to get her back in to home without realizine she struck a deal with an Aunt her ex sister in law from years ago my mom is 74 the aunt took care of her an had nurses. I went everyday to clean her lines out she had in her arm at etc. all seemed to be fine the she had a stroke cause she wont quit smoking took her to hte hospital she is paralyzed on left side took her to rehab every since in rehab now mind you she is in her right mind the first day she screamed at me in front of my husband and little son pointed her finger in my face and screamed you will do what I tell you per rehab she needs 24/7 care again she wants my aunt who tells her I cant do it 24/7 so I was worried about her safety suggested personal care home she came up with an ex aunt who I dont trust and supposedly a woman who had a stroke a year ago and expects them to take care of her! the final straw was 10 days ago when she threw me out of the rehab cause I wouldnt let her smoke! I'm done I almost had a nervous break down because of her I'm mad that she hasnt called not to check on her grandson I dont care if i ever talke to her but to be that stubborn for no reason I'm done the stroke did not effect her mind I've asked that she thriw up jan to me about the nursing home I have my Hubby and my son I never said a work to her when my first husband was dying and she never came to the hospital or when my son was born and didnt come to the hospital she wants evyerone to kiss her butt and i'm done I never saw this coming but when I get hives and want to throw up cause she had destroyed me I'm done anybody else every have this happen