Feel so sad, and incredibly alone.

[tiredzombie]

Guess I just feel like I need to vent. I've recently gone from having absolutely zero social life to going out regularly with a couple of friends. But the more time I spend around them, the worse I feel about myself. And it's not them, it's me. They're really lovely people. But when I'm around them I just see how much better I could have done with my life. They remind me of what it is I want from life, and don't feel I can have. The more I'm around other people, the less able I am to distract myself from the way I really feel about myself.

I've wasted so much time, hiding from things I'm afraid of, always doing what was easiest in the short term. And as a result I've cut myself off from anything of value. And it now feels like it's too late to catch up. Like I'll never be worthy of anything really good, no matter what I do. It's an awful feeling. Like a physical pain in my chest. I just feel like crying all the time, but it doesn't help. I don't know how to cope with it. I lie awake at night, my heart aching. But at the same time, I don't want to try and distract myself from it. Because then I'll never do anything to improve my situation, and it'll just get worse.

I've spent years avoiding real relationships, responsibilities, or anything that made me anxious. I've wasted my intelligence, ruined my future, and failed to develop social skills. I've treated the people in my life awfully, simply because I was always too focussed on my own fears to consider others. I've never had a paying job (just tons of volunteering), or a relationship. It's like I've stuck myself in childhood, superficial and narcissistic, unable to cope with real life. Instead of facing up to my fears, I've indulged all the worst parts of myself to a ridiculous degree, to the extent where they now dominate who I am.

And I guess there are things I can do to try and move forward, and be a better person. But it just feels like I'll always be stuck behind, trying to catch up, faking being comfortable while really I'm dying inside. Part of me thinks it is just too late. It makes me feel so sad. And alone.

[suzyehayes]

OMG! your post made me very tearful because it's so much how i feel everyday of my life, unfortunately i don't go out very much and although i'm in a relationship (if you can call it that ), i don't let anyone get close because i don't feel worthy and i'm frightend of letting people down, i know that i isolate myself but i feel more comfortable with my own company, because of this i don't have any friends or anyone to talk to thats why i'm so glad i've found this website. I have been waiting for therapy for about 7 months now and i'm hopeing this will help.
I do hope that your situation improves soon and i hope it helps to know that your not on your own, please feel free to message me anytime maybe we would be able to help each other.
Very best wishes,
Suzanne:flowers:

[snowgoose]

oh my goodness Tiredzombie ,

it is not too late at all.....honestly :)
you have regret and it is painful to feel left behind because of this awful illness .........but what leapt out at me from your post was a: you are going out and starting a social life and b; your friends sound understanding .
That is a huge achievement already ............both really positive moves :flowers:

also the fact that now you are in a place in your mind to think ......oh heck time lost.
Not so at all ..........a lot of people seem to me to sleepwalk through life .do you get that ? they are in no hurry and dont see it as the precious gift it is . Only folk who have faced demons mental and physical dont take life for granted sometimes .
So ........you can make for lost time of course :yesyes:
through this hell .we come out better and more appreciative people I believe ........yes blowing our trumpets for a change !!
When we recover we will always stop and admire the view.........take time for friends and be better partners and citizens .
Dont look back in fretting about then ..................your future and present is here now............a hiccup in lifes journey .that is all . sending you hugs x

[WillyB]

Man when i was reading this i thought i had posted it myself. Im 19 going on 20, at Uni and want to quit and come back home. I have only a few friends i feel totally comfortable around, the rest of them i fake almost everything i do. I fake laughs, fake smiling, fake any kind of interaction with them. I feel im wasting my life, i want to have so much more, i want to be out there, meeting people, talking to people without fear or lack of motivation. yet i pretty much live on my computer or at the pub with my few friends. I feel so depressed most of the time and alone. Sometimes i dont even know why i feel so damn rubbish. Im wasting my life and feel i cant do anything about it. I drink too much, i eat too much and i can see myself slipping away, im having trouble picturing my future.

[Bluebelle]

Hi TiredZombie,
You have so eloquently summed up my existence. I cannot bear to spend time with other people-specifically my family because of the exact reasons you have mentioned.

I am not sure how to lif quotes from your post but

I can completely relate to how you feel like you've indulged the worst parts of your life so that they now dominate who you are- this is such a horrible feeling isn't it?

I keep telling myself it is never to late and that people have bloomed at all ages. This keeps me going and helps me to keep trying to change things for the better.

As silly as this sounds- I watched Susan Boyle's audition on youtube (I'm in Canada and we don't get Britian's got Talent) and it affected my outlook. She "bloomed" late and if she had my attitude she would never have tried.

It is never too late it just feels like it is too late.

Lots of love to you during this hard time !

[Granny Primark]

I agree with what everyone else has said. Its never too late.
Make today the start of your life.
I know you can do it.
Susan Boyle is proof of that.
Theres a song called "No regrets"
Good luck.
Thinking of you. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[sammie]

the past is the past let go of it ( easier said than done i know) but if you dont you will continue to go round in circles we cant change the past all we can do is move forward into the future

sam

[paula lynne]

I really feel for you. Your anguish comes through in your post.....
Its great that you are going out more and meeting people but you must never compare yourself to anyone else...you are unique and individual.

Instead of concentrating on the past and the time thats been wasted, look forward to the future and all the possiblities that holds....

You mention you feel like you are stuck in your childhood, that youve never had a relationship, or paid employment. I think that councelling would be of enormous benefit to you, is it something you would consider?

Reading about social anxiety and self-esteem could also help you?...

You havent ruined your future...thats an impossibility. You may have limited your options because of your past, but you can make changes now to help yourself. You are in control of your destiny. You can either sit back and let the past and your feelings destroy you, or take a huge deep breath and start trying all the options available to you regarding help from others, and taking a pro-active approach.

Little changes pay huge dividends. You can do this. I believe you can. This is not how it has to be. Change starts with you...I wish you all the luck in the world.x:)

[daydreamer]

Hi tiredzombie!

I can sympathise with you as my situation is EXACTLY the same as yours! I dont really have any words of advice as Im totally stuck in the rut at the moment myself. Take comfort in the fact your not alone, there are lots of people on here that have felt the same as you do and are fighting it and working through it with success. I havent managed it yet but Im trying to stay positive! You've gone from 0 social life to going out with friends, thats a big breakthrough even if you dont think so. I have a book called overcoming low self esteem, its helped a little but I havent finished reading it yet so Im hoping that its going to help me more although I know that ultimately its only me who can change the way I feel and sometimes I feel like I dont deserve to feel good or happy or any of those things! I dont know how old you are but I know your never too old to try and change things, so hold in there and stay positive if you can, Good luck :) xxx

[dustypink]

I feel the same too, like a failure. And sometimes people around you just assume you are feeling sorry for yourself, when in actual fact you are calling out in desperation.

[Elen]

Hi

Just to add to the others that you are most definately not alone.

I think that your post has resonated with a lot of people here, me included.