Hi a bit about me xxx A big hello.

[mrsmidgley]

Hi i have actually visited this site before but havnt been an active member so ive joined properly. My name is Tracie, and i suffer with agrophobia, anxiety and panic attacks. I have been getting home counselling for nearly two years now, and now ive been referred to a physchiatric because they think i may be bipolar. I tick all the boxes and more i guess, and ive put my poor husband through the mill acting like a selfish cow :(..taking drugs, drinking alcohol, when im wild i can go out...because drink and drugs give me the confidence to do so. Yet if sober etc i cant go anywhere on my own. We have two dogs.. and hubby got them to help me get out :(..i can manage to walk on the field which is a spits distance away, as i have the dogs with me, but if someone comes on the field i panic and have to come home. I hate being like this, and sometimes feel im losing my mind. The paranoia, i sometimes hear and smell things which arnt there. I have ran up huge debt, i argue with my husband if hes not on my level, i.e if i want to be hyper and giddy. I dont want to be all depressing about this but im scared of having bipolar i dont want to go on the drugs that sort your moods out. Im scared ill be like Kerry Katona...i know that sounds daft but seeing how bipolar affected her freaks me out. Im scared of side effects, weight gain etc, as i suffer with bulimia. However i have to get better i know this but im just scared. I am on ESA, and my god i had to fight for that last year, and due another medical next week (they coming to my home). Im terrified as i know these medicals are terrible, and i will be left without any money. I know they are people who play the system but im not one of them. I used to have a great career but suffered set backs due to abuse etc, and i seriously couldnt see me working ever again. I feel i can only communicate with people if im high on drugs or drink..shocking i know.

Anyway im here looking for a bit of support i guess and hopefully i can offer support too. mental illness gets over looked by so many people and professionals etc, and its wrong as its something that happens and its not our fault. My own family dont understand and think im just a freak. My own mother thinks "oh just get on with it" etc, and i cant. Sorry for waffling lol.

Tracie, xxxx:)

[nomorepanic]

Hi mrsmidgley

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[paula lynne]

Hi Tracie, its great to have you with us, welcome to the forum! My mum sounds like yours.....she was a mental health nurse so she really should have know better than to say "pull yourself together!.."....not helpful!
Im a recovering agoraphobic, but panic attacks and all the symptoms that come with it are still my main problem. I can relate to the drinking for confidence stuff, it took my a long time to get that under control, but I know where youre coming from. Ive had so much support here, and been able to move forward with lots of advice from all the great friends Ive met, and Im sure you will find the same. Nice to know you, best wishes x:welcome:

[london]

when the doctor come from artos for your ESA have some one with you. so he cant say you said this and you said that . pop in chat one day a few people are on esa you may get some tips
god bless

[mrsmidgley]

Hi Thankyou for your replies, it really means alot :). Nice to meet you Nicola, Paula lynne, and London. Yeh Paula lynne the alcohol thing is a viscious circle. I dont actually sit in the house off my face but stressful situations i need to drink (well i feel i do). If i have to travel anywhere with my husband i take vodka and coke out with me in a bottle. Not enough to make me drunk but to make me feel relaxed its like my emotional crutch. I dont want to be like this forever, and i try and say to myself "come on tracie they are people in this world who have more to worry about".. but i guess that just makes me feel more guilty and worthless so cant win lol.
London thankyou i shall have a pop in chat when im feeling brave :), and your advice about having someone with me is a good idea. (((hugs))) to you all. look forward to speaking more. xxxxx

[paula lynne]

I remember a few years back now, going to the supermarket and only realising I hadnt had a drink before hand til I got home....I was stunned! I proved to myself that day it was possible without a drink and thats when my recovery began.

I know its easy to say there are people far worse off, but you and your problems are totally unique, so comparing the hurt doesnt help. Why dont you start reducing the amount you drink before you go out.? Little changes can soon add up to huge steps forward. x:)

[j.d]

Thanks for sharing your story. My name is j.d. and new to the site.

[mrsmidgley]

Thankyou for sharing that with me Paula:), and yes thats the way to move forward isnt it?..by reducing i am going to be getting help for that. Hi J.d also, and your very welcome. xxxxxx

[Bravedart]

Hi and :welcome:. Can totally relate to the panic you describe. As London said pop into chat at some point, you'll meet loads of nice people there who understand exactly what you describe. Take Care. :D

[tillymint]

Hi i'm new to this site also. Sorry to hear you are having such a horrible time. You are certainly not a freak and the existence of this site alone should show you that you are not alone x

[mrsmidgley]

Hi Bravedart, and Tillymint, thankyou so much for your replies, it really is lovely to get such a warm response from people. Feel free to chat to me anytime either by pm, or if i venture into chat lol (when im feeling brave :winks:) Tracie. xxxxx