A sense of loss

[Zingara]

Hi everyone,

It's a while since I've been on here - in fact, the last time I posted about my situation generally was a year ago. I get drawn back every now and then, when things weigh on me, and I need a place to write down how I feel. I'm lucky in that I'm not all alone, and I do have people around me, but they (understandably) want me to get better and to be positive, and I sometimes feel constrained about discussing my low moods. Also, my problem is one that I have been fixated on for such a long time now that I know I bore them sometimes (which is hurtful, but at the same time I understand).
I just don't seem to be recovering fully. I am better in some ways, I know that, but I think that shows more just how ill I was. Now I have plateaued - I struggle on, no longer in the distress that I was, but it still haunts me. I feel sometimes as though it's waiting for me to drop my guard. It's still all there to come back.
When I look back over my posts from a few years ago I feel nostalgic, and I wonder why - perhaps it's because now I don't feel part of anything, really. Everything is grey. Back then, I think I sought comfort in my 'patient status', something which I still miss. I find it hard to be out there in the world, doing my thing like everyone else. Of course, I'm not really out in the world - still unemployed, spend my days at home, etc. But now I'm no longer properly 'ill', I feel a strange sort of pressure, a sense of loss. Does that make sense to anyone?

[Spagetti]

When I had my breakdown a few years ago I joined a forum and for the first time for a long time I found a place where I felt accepted and could connect with other people who had/were experiencing the same feelings as I was. I too felt part of something and made friends along the way. After a time I lost contact with most people I "met". Some left the forum for various reasons, and so did I when it felt right for me to do so.

I think you are at a transitional stage- like you say you are not feeling "ill" like you were back then, yet you are still unfullfilled and worried about it returning. I understand what you are saying as I felt like this too. I know it is hard but I think you need to take the next step in your life, whether that is to get a part-time job or take up a hobby. You will naturally feel pressured but you will only feel better if you do something positive for your situation.

All the best xx

[Zingara]

Thank you for replying - I know what you mean about being at a transitional stage, though it's hard to make that next step, especially as - without boring you with all the details of my life - there are all sorts of little obstacles in the way, and I find it hard not to lose heart with it all.
I think what I was trying to say was that while I was properly 'ill' - both physically and psychologically - I had a defined role, both to others and to myself. Now, so much time has passed, and I have, if not recovered fully, at least reached a point of 'getting by', and as a consequence of that people expect me to be better and living in the moment, things which I find it hard to do. There's a sense of my 'moment' having passed. It might be a case of me struggling to redefine my identity, both internal and external (my emotional problems began following an operation which changed my appearance). It's not that I liked or enjoyed being ill - I was in a terrible agony with it - but at least it felt real. Now I am in an odd sort of limbo, and to make it worse I don't even feel as my problem is behind me, it's just that it's gone on for so long that I have developed a familiarity with it.
Sorry if this all sounds a bit self-indulgent - I can see that it might - but it's helpful to write it down, rather than try the patience of my nearest and dearest again!