Zingara
15-04-11, 12:05
Hi everyone,
It's a while since I've been on here - in fact, the last time I posted about my situation generally was a year ago. I get drawn back every now and then, when things weigh on me, and I need a place to write down how I feel. I'm lucky in that I'm not all alone, and I do have people around me, but they (understandably) want me to get better and to be positive, and I sometimes feel constrained about discussing my low moods. Also, my problem is one that I have been fixated on for such a long time now that I know I bore them sometimes (which is hurtful, but at the same time I understand).
I just don't seem to be recovering fully. I am better in some ways, I know that, but I think that shows more just how ill I was. Now I have plateaued - I struggle on, no longer in the distress that I was, but it still haunts me. I feel sometimes as though it's waiting for me to drop my guard. It's still all there to come back.
When I look back over my posts from a few years ago I feel nostalgic, and I wonder why - perhaps it's because now I don't feel part of anything, really. Everything is grey. Back then, I think I sought comfort in my 'patient status', something which I still miss. I find it hard to be out there in the world, doing my thing like everyone else. Of course, I'm not really out in the world - still unemployed, spend my days at home, etc. But now I'm no longer properly 'ill', I feel a strange sort of pressure, a sense of loss. Does that make sense to anyone?
It's a while since I've been on here - in fact, the last time I posted about my situation generally was a year ago. I get drawn back every now and then, when things weigh on me, and I need a place to write down how I feel. I'm lucky in that I'm not all alone, and I do have people around me, but they (understandably) want me to get better and to be positive, and I sometimes feel constrained about discussing my low moods. Also, my problem is one that I have been fixated on for such a long time now that I know I bore them sometimes (which is hurtful, but at the same time I understand).
I just don't seem to be recovering fully. I am better in some ways, I know that, but I think that shows more just how ill I was. Now I have plateaued - I struggle on, no longer in the distress that I was, but it still haunts me. I feel sometimes as though it's waiting for me to drop my guard. It's still all there to come back.
When I look back over my posts from a few years ago I feel nostalgic, and I wonder why - perhaps it's because now I don't feel part of anything, really. Everything is grey. Back then, I think I sought comfort in my 'patient status', something which I still miss. I find it hard to be out there in the world, doing my thing like everyone else. Of course, I'm not really out in the world - still unemployed, spend my days at home, etc. But now I'm no longer properly 'ill', I feel a strange sort of pressure, a sense of loss. Does that make sense to anyone?