Utterly wretched - nowhere to turn

[Zingara]

I don't know where to begin - everything is awful, horrible, everywhere I look, I can see no light on the horizon whatsoever. I am now 32, unemployed, stuck in a dead-end town with one of the worst unemployment records in the country. I have two degrees, one in law, one in Criminology, but I can't use them. I lost my part-time job when I had my breakdown - now I can't get back into the workplace for love nor money. I wrote a novel, which got shortlisted for an award early this year. I really got encouraged, but I didn't win the prize, and now I am back to square one - my book has been rejected by five agents, and everyone in the know tells me it's nearly impossible to get published these days. I know I mustn't live in castles in the air, and I have to be realistic.

I need a job desperately. My partner is having severe financial problems, and we may have to sell the house, something which terrifies me, and which is putting our relationship under strain. I am desperate for my own money, but can't see a way of getting it - even if I trained as a lawyer (which I don't want to do and can't afford to do - it costs £9000) I still wouldn't find work in this town, and I don't have the courage to move away on my own. Anyway, who will employ someone with my appalling work record? I think the writing was my only hope, and that's not going to come to anything.

I am also scared that I will have to go back to live with my parents. I spend most weekends there, with them, while my partner looks after his boys, and while my mum is sometimes very supportive, and really cares for me, she disapproves of my partner and doesn't hide the fact. Today I did something stupid - I complained to her about him, and about the stress all this money stuff is putting me under, and how hopeless I feel. She got really wound up and stressed herself, and ended up shouting at me. I feel terrible now, and guilty. My relationship with my mum is not a straightforward one - we are close, and I love her very much, but she can be controlling, and scary when she is angry. She can still make me feel like I am six years old, and the fact that I don't have any kids of my own makes me feel like a permanent adolescent.
If I lived there all the time the stress would be intolerable, not to mention the awful culture shock after I have had a place of my own.

I went into law against my own inclinations, because my family wanted me to, and I think my mum feels a bit guilty that it all went so wrong for me, and she wants to believe that everything is remediable, that I can find my way back into doing something I love (at school my favourite subjects were English and French, I wanted to do French at university). When I am 'down' and say that I can't put my life right now, she gets upset and angry. I can understand this, but at the same time it puts me under pressure to be 'positive' all the time, even when I really have to fake it, and it hurts. She is doing her best - she lent me some money to do a French course - and I feel guilty and upset about it all, especially as I do feel that I am going to remain in this state of failure. I really can't see a way out.

In addition to all this, my anxiety, phobias and emotional problems remain a constant, and lately intrusive thoughts have been getting worse, which I think means it's Prozac time. I don't want to go on Prozac, because it makes my mind foggy and I can't write, but it's the only one that knocks my intrusive thoughts on the head, so I'll just have to.

Well, thanks to anyone who's read this far! Sorry it's such a long post. Sorry to moan on! It's just that I'd welcome a few comforting words from someone. I'm feeling very alone and also very ashamed of myself. xx

[Zingara]

Just rang up to say I was sorry for talking about my problems, and in the background my dad was ranting and raving at me, and my mum was implying that with all my problems I will give him a heart attack (I will take this with a pinch of salt, as my dad has been telling me that I'll give him a heart attack since I was a very young child - there is nothing wrong with his heart). Still, it's upset me a lot. I do feel ashamed of myself for spoiling their day. But then, it's humanly impossible to be cheerful all the time in the face of such difficulties - I have, I think, done a sterling job of keeping my chin up when I'm with them recently. Arrrrgggghhhhh!!

[Elen]

So sorry honey.

I don't feel as though I can be of much use to you but just wanted you to know that someone cares.

I am sure that someone who can help will be along soon.

What I can say is don't accept the guilt that your parents are trying to place with you.

Take care hon

[Zingara]

Thank you, Elen, just to have a reply means a lot. Having a big cry now, which may help. Thanks, it does help that someone read my post and replied. xxx

[Elen]

Oh honey enjoy your cry. I have gone to the chat room for the first time to see if I can find it easier to conect with people there.

Maybe come along later for the quiz night. The one thing I do know about this forum is that most people are dealing with their own demons and therefore are not out to judge others.

Huge hug to you and hope to catch up with you later

[paula lynne]

Hi Samira, Im so sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment.x
My parents pushed me into nursing from a very young age, as they were nurses. I did it, but after qualifying and working for a few years the stress pushed me over the edge, I did it for them...I know where you are coming from! x

I lost my job, and because I kept calling my hubby home from work due to my anxiety, he eventually lost his job too....we had to move house, move country actually...from Coventry to Wales......if you have to move, it may be a wonderful fresh start for you!?

I know you dont want to go on the Prozac, but if you get your anxiety under control, maybe other things can be put into perspective and delt with in a calmer manner? You will be able to deal with all the other stuff much easier if anxiety isnt there biting you on the bum all the time....

Why dont you start paying your mum back £5 a week for the money she lent you for the French course, its not a huge amonut, but you will feel like you are being pro-active about this debt and maybe it will help lift some of the guilt you feel love x

Why dont you take on some part-time work for now, even in asda or something, just to keep the pennies coming in......save those amazing degrees for a time in the future when you feel mentally prepared for more of a challenge.

Its amazing that you wrote a book, Im in total awe of you!!! Keep that on the back burner for now, I would, as more rejection isnt what you ned right now. Maybe start sending it out again in a few monthes?......NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAM!

As far as your mum is concerned and her controlling nature,, you need to be strong and say gently and firmly to her.."Mum I love you and I appreciate your concern, but I need to do this (Whatever) for myself, I have faith in myself and I need to at least try or I will never know what Im capable of........"

A good cry is carthartic..let it all out.x
Its hard..change. But change is such an amazing opportunity to find things out about yourself and who you are, where you want to be...embrace change.....

The Chinese word for DANGER contains two symbols...one is....CRISIS..the other is...OPPORTUNITY.....so danger is made up of opportunity. Time to take a huge deep breath and ask yourself what is it that YOU want!? x

Love Paula x:hugs:

[ditzygirl]

Oh you poor thing. Let's start at the beginning, stop beating yourself up, no one can help being poorly, no matter what your illness is. And you are in the right place on here to open up and get lots of support.

The illness's you are experiencing are very very common and will increase in our current climate - so again please don't think you are alone.

Parents - mmm well I have parents who are quite similar to yours, I think control was part of their era of parenting, they have tried their best but you and I know they are probably out of touch with the pressures on today's family life. So at some stage I hope you can find it in your heart to follow YOUR dreams and forgive them their failings. No one teaches you to be an adult or a parent, they have done things with the best intention. But you are you and your happiness and health is the most important thing in the world.

I don't want to say this but have you looked into any kind of benefit? it is extremely difficult to get sickness benefit at the mo but you should be able to claim job seekers and maybe get discount on your council tax. If you are struggling with mortgage etc, get some advice from CAB or Debt advise people. There are so many people in horrid situations just now I know we are struggling too.

Have you discussed any of this with a GP? it sounds like you need to share and break everything down into little chunks, not easy but YOU can do it. Prozac may not be the drug for you, there all sorts of other choices. I put off going back on meds last year, but so sorry I did. I wasted most of 2010 thinking I was ok but I wasn't. Since starting Sertraline and opening up both on here and with my GP life has got much better. My stressfull situations are still there but I can cope better.

As Paula says, maybe moving house is a good thing, a fresh start. The most important thing here is if you love your partner and want to have a future with him you need to sit down and discuss how to move forward. In reality the only thing that matters is the people in your life. You may not always agree with them and sometimes not like them but if they are special you all have to learn ways of acceptance.

As for your book, have you looked at self publishing sites? I know of blurb who specialise in picture books but Lulu.com allows you to self publish. Google Self publish and see what happens.

I hope by sharing you don't feel so alone and you are definately NOT a failure or have anything to be ashamed of.

Hope this may help a little.

And here for you anytimex

[Anxious_gal]

Ok being unemployed is very depressing, I’m 24 and never managed to get past an interview!
So what you could do would be volunteer work, it really gives you a reason to get up in the morning and helps restore your self-worth. As far at the town is concerned. I’m stuck in mine due to my agoraphobia, would moving be an option for you ?
Dear Lord Woman you have two degrees, not one but two!!! You should really be proud of that, the amount of work you had to get them is incredible. But you can’t use them, to be realistic there’s thousands of people in that position, trying to pay back student loans not being able to get a job. When you go to college you have hopes and dreams but they can be torn down when the reality of trying to get a job hits you
REALISTIC? Your joking right? The reality is you many have to send your book to 100’s of publishers, have you any idea of many famous books and books that are now great movies, that got rejected millions of times? Even to the point where the author’s self-published them!
I know from experience, I have certain friends who write, and they send off there scrip’s to the us and the uk basically everywhere before they get any interest, I know rejection is hard but when it comes to the world of writing as a new author, getting your first book published is going to be hard and you will get a lot of rejection.
You also say your book was in the running for an award, that’s a great indicator, you may not have won but you got the running where I’m sure lots of other people didn’t even get that far.
Ok losing your house is indeed terrifying, but you may have to accept that is a possibility. Could you try and find work in a different town? If it comes to losing your house a positive may be that you could move to a town where you could get an amazing job. Sometimes life takes us to strange and terrifying places but in the long run it may be a good thing.
That’s awful to have so much fear, the house, a job , your partner and you really have very little control over it all, every day is so uncertain.
Would you really have to move back with your mother? Why would you not stay with your partner? Your mother sounds like the type of person it would be better if you kept her out of your personal life just for your own wellbeing. Seriously never let her guilt trip you or control you. As for not having children? Well that’s your choice, just because you’re a woman does not mean you need to have children plus at the moment the timing is not wrong and I know if you had children you’d want everything to be in a good place, emotionally and financially.
You also seem to a fear of failure you worry so much about letting other people down. This is your life you need to do what makes you happy, you’re not responsible for anyone else happiness, im sure your mother wants the best for you, but come on you are the one that’s suffering here not her, you are the one that needs the love and support. You should not have to hide your feelings just to protect your mother. She is your mother and you do love her but she is also human and not perfect.
It’s too common for family’s to want to you to act happy even when you are not because it distresses them to see you upset. I’m sorry but the core of every person is selfish. To ask you to pretend everything is ok while you are suffering just to make them feel better is totally disrespectful and unreasonable and so unfair and if you go along with the happy act you will end up draining your self but then maybe you don’t have any other choice and maybe it keeps the peace which helps you not to feel even more guilty and stressed.

If that medication is the only one that works, it will be worth if it helps get you through this.
What I think you need to do, is access as much of free help as possible even if you think you do not need it at least try . go the the doctor, ask for help and medication and think about your options, look around the doctors place and see if they have any leaflets for free therapy. If you have to go on a waiting list for therapy then do that too, something is better than nothing.
You need as much help and support as you can get, don’t try and do it all on your own x




:hugs:

[Anxious_gal]

Just rang up to say I was sorry for talking about my problems, and in the background my dad was ranting and raving at me, and my mum was implying that with all my problems I will give him a heart attack (I will take this with a pinch of salt, as my dad has been telling me that I'll give him a heart attack since I was a very young child - there is nothing wrong with his heart). Still, it's upset me a lot. I do feel ashamed of myself for spoiling their day. But then, it's humanly impossible to be cheerful all the time in the face of such difficulties - I have, I think, done a sterling job of keeping my chin up when I'm with them recently. Arrrrgggghhhhh!!
I suggest you read "when you and your mother can't be friends"
EMOTIONAL ABUSE :lac::mad:

you apologized to your own parents for talking about your feelings?:unsure:
so your feelings are not important, they don't matter?:weep:
I'm sorry but you do matter, as a human and as a person you have every right to say how you feel and be respected and be listen to :hugs:
Again thats total emotional abuse to say you will give your dad a heart attack.
listen to me, I know what I am talking about , it took me years to recgonise the abuse in my own family:shrug:
It's makes me sad to see how much they have messed with your self worth, you say you feel ashamed of our self for ruining their their day.
you are not responsible for them or their feelings.
look when I was 16 I got very suicidal from the emotional abuse going on on my family.
my feelings were not important.
all i seemed to be doing was upsetting every one.
i was told over and over again how I stressing everyone out.
no one seemed to care that I was sad.
I felt guilty and ashamed too.
it got to the point I thought everyone would be better off without me.
But it was with the help of my doctor and friends that helped me see that it was them who emotionally abusing me, that i was never the cause of any of their stress or problems.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT and no one should ever make you feel bad for expressing how you feel.
You have to be your own best friend here, you have to learn that sometimes people treat you wrongly and you did not cause it and you do not deserve it.
You are not the problem here.
please seek help outside of the family.
it can be very hard to see what is happening when your in the middle of the storm :(
:hugs:

[dustypink]

Hi Samira

Sounds like a lot is going on and no wonder you feel really alone and in a state of panic.

Sometimes on the surface we appear to be in an 'ok' situation, but simply being out of work and with not much confidence, plus with anxiey etc dragging us down, it's hard for others who are chronic sufferers to really know what we are battling every day.

It's strange because I did a science degree at uni and I've always wanted to get proper law qualifications but hasn't worked out (long story). I have some experience but I am out of work at the moment and have lost all confidence. I think you should think about applying elsewhere, because there are more sacrifices you will have to make to get employment nowadays.

xx

[Zingara]

Thanks, everyone, for the replies. I feel numb with it all today. I had a massive, all day panic attack on Sunday and I feel I'm still getting over it.
There are a lot of things to mull over in what's been said, thank you all for your input. I am just waiting to feel better and for my brain to clear before I can engage properly with things!
I just thought I'd let you know that I'm still here, and I'll let you know how I'm doing. xx

[sarahblonde32]

hi,

i know how you feel in a way. Im 33, feel like a total loser at the moment!! ive hit the mid 30's crisis, stuck in a rut, not sure what to do or where to go. I got dumped out of the blue a year ago and im still not over him, no matter how hard i try, its hit me hard and as i thought he was 'the one', i now think i will never meet anyone else and its almost too late for me to have a baby. I hate my job, and still work with my ex which is pants!) but at the moment i cant find anything else. I have debts that i have no hope of repaying, this anxiety is ruining my chances of doing things i love and i just feel miserable!
but wow you wrote a book!! thats something to be proud of, i did a writing course, wanted to write a book,but gave up!have you tried the small magazines for publishing short stories? fiction feast and womans weekly etc?
maybe that panic attack is the final one?
do you go to a gym or do any thing like that?
hope you feel better soon, youre not alone!
sarahx

[Zingara]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies to my thread - there's a lot of food for thought there, and a lot to consider. I really appreciate you taking the time to write such detailed and helpful replies.

Things are still the same here, although last weekend I reached a 'no more' point - I realised that I absolutely cannot go on like this, and I feel better for it, although still very daunted. I realised that I must make some changes, or I will have so many regrets in years to come. So I am going to work hard to get some qualifications, and try to find work doing what I really want to do - working with languages. I know it'll be hard, and that ultimately it'll take me away from home, but I'm going to try to rise to the challenge.

It's also extra hard for me because I have a great deal of learned anxiety from my parents - they are very cautious, insular people who hate risk and fear change, and passed that on to me all through my childhood and adolescence. It was because of this that I was discouraged from doing languages at university, and instead pushed into law, because it was a 'safe' subject and did not involve going abroad, something I would 'never cope with' according to my dad.
So it'll be difficult - but I am determined to try. xx