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View Full Version : just an update-Feeling better and worse together



mum2four
13-04-06, 11:24
It been a while this site help me seek help for my self and now I my daughter is finaly getting help as well. I had many people tell me that i didn't sound like I had OCD and that my daughter didn't have it either. I have been on med's for about 8mth now and just recently I have been finding that even thoe I can now keep up with the house work I cant stop wanting to clean nothing feel clean despite knowing it's clean. I always knew had feelings that things would never be clean no matter how much I cleaned thing's but was to scared to be obsessive around my kids. My fear of showing my symptoms has basic gone and now I'm left to deal with the issues that start me feeling like I have no control. I realised I have number issues and dirt issues and I have been testing my self on how anxious I can get if I dont do what I thinking I want to do or should do. I do almost every thing in set's of 2 and the other morning I tested my self doing every thing with out letting my self do things in set of 2 I brushed my hair 2 time on one side and once on the other and made my self put the brush down and walk away I keeped wanting to go back and found that funny to start with but as the morning went on and the more I tryd not to do things in set's of 2 either by going to 3 or stopping at 1 the more agitated I got and then it became not so funny anymore and I couldn't stop thinking about what I do and how I do it and how often I feel the need to do things in set's of 2 I ended up out the front of my house pacing and to feel better.as the day went on the more I tryed to avoid the number 2 if I tapped I would stop on 3 and i didn't feel good about it at all by lunch time I was ready to run home and hide and yet nothing bad had happened that day other than trying to avoid doing things in 2's. that night I helped a friend clean her house and i was fine but when I came home and made tea was finding my self clean things as soon as thay were dirty and wanting to clean the counter over and over and wash my hand's after cutting each diffent vegetable I made roast veg with seasening and then meat balls and then just some simple veg with flaver and each time I prepared the next part of tea I realised I had put all the spices ect away and I had to get them out again for the next thing in stead I leaving the one's out I still needed. Even after the kitchen looked clean at glance I wanted to keep cleaning I keep finding something els to clean and for some reason when I cleaned some I also found my self starting to clean the same counter that had been clean heaps already and I stopped my self and still felt like I want to clean the stove and the wall behind the stove ect even thoe I it should have seemed cleaned it didn't feel clean to me. In the begining when I found my self cleaning with out thinking about it it was cool it made me happy that I didn't have to convince my self that it had to be done. It's starting feel more like I cant not stop thinking about clean when I'm home now. I'm even finding that I'm seeing thing's as not clean enough more and more and I'm now concerned that this will become a new obsession with me this is the one thing I have alway been scared would happen if I gave in to my feeling of cleaning thing's. I can handle seeing things messed up after I cleaned them. I have alway had to walk away when I found my self wanting to make my kids keep thing's to neat or in a set way. I'm worried I'm even getting the kids to for fill my need to clean to much and I'm finding it harder and harder to be around them with out wanting to ask them if some thing is clean. I dont want to live in a show home I want my house to look clean but lived in. I cant even enjoy seeing my kid picture on my wall some day's even thou I love the picture I want to some how make it feel better or find a better place for it ect. I keep all there picture's thay do at school but thay are in boxes under the bed. I'm forevea upsetting my kids cause I dont want them to put things on the wall in the main living area's. I try so hard to let them display there picture'

Southern_Belle
13-04-06, 14:37
mum,

I have been diagnosed with ocd and have a cleaning obsession that's sounds somewhat like yours. Before medication I would vacumn floors and wouldn't let my children walk on carpets because it would show footprints! I know exactly where you are coming from. It is an awful feeling and yes, it is a form of lack of control. Mine got much worse after having children. My house did look like a showroom and it was so hard on the children that is why I turned to meds. What kind are you taking? After trying many, I found that Paxil (paroxitine) sp? works best for me. I tried to go off of it and wow I went right back to my old self. I still keep things lined up in pantry alphabatized and things like that but we can now walk on carpets, lol. I'm no expert but it sounds to me like you have signs of ocd you said you didn't?

Bel

mum2four
13-04-06, 20:58
I'm on Luvox 100mg

before these new symptems I had a major issues with debating with people about everything. I have always had issues with dirt getting frustrated about cleaning the never ending cleaning and nothing will stay clean for long so what was the point of cleaning. I have alway felt I managed to keep my issues hiden till I realised thay were far from hided. I was not like my mum who had to have a showroom house and I know that was not fun to live in at all. I came to realise that even thoe I was not obsessed about cleaning I was really obsesses with trying not to be obsessive and before the med's it would take me all day to convince my self I had to get up and do the dishes. I was so afraid I would get so angry with the dishes that I would throw then across the room and posiable hurt one of my kids if I did. I have only ever thrown a fue threw thing in my life and hate my self for letting me do it and I could never do it with out planning it cause I had to make sure it was safe to do so. Then I would obsess about how stupid it was to give into a though like throw the item cause all I managed to was brack it and what now I have to bye another ect.

I think in loop's before deciding I had to go back on med and I had to finaly tell the Dr about my rocking and tapping and self harm behaviour I was thinking about thinking and wonder if I was really thinking to much and then I would think well I thinking about thinking so I must be thinking to much but if I not really thinking to much and I thinking this way just give me a reason for med's and I'm really not thinking to much and I'm just pretending of trying to think to much to apear to have issues. the thinking went on so long and it often that in the end I had to stop my self and just say You are thinking to much stop and go get help. I still have this same obsession to some degree about thinking about thinking but I just keep reminding my self about how much better I cope with lifes invisable presure to be a set way. When I'm in a cleaning mood which is often now I cant find thing's that really need doing. I'm able to clean my teath more in stead if think I will waste it and have to get another one and then I will be wasting money and then I might not beable to bye bread or milk if I run out for the kids ect ect. My cupboards are so full now it's not funny and have been for years but because I have been near bankrupsty in the past I feel to some degree I might end up back there but I know I over react fully and obsess about money so bad and it not my obsession that bug me it not my physical symptoms that bother me it the stress of dealling with them on top of trying to be the best mother (not perfect not lazy) I can be for my kids and that really make me feel like I need to get a car licence and get a job but I cant seem to make my self get over the fear's I have about these to things and other's and I feel like life is make me feel like I have to something i was not design to do but now that I'm med's I realise I can do them it will just take time. I have applied for a disabilty-illness income to help me asfford the treatment to get to where I want to get in life so that I can have what I want for my kids and me. I just hope I prove to them this time that I cant work and be a mother at the same time cause when I try I losse control of one or both ares of my life. My obsessive thinking get so out hand that I cant function. I more able to talk about my issues now than a fue years ago so I'm hopeing I get the income cause if I dont it will take me longer and it will so much harder. The last time thay rejected my aplication I ended up become an agrophobic I could not bring my self to interact with anyone or anything that MIGHT make me obsess to any degree. I felt I over the last 3 years that I was able to cope better but then my son turn 1 and I wnet down hill again and I realise it was because I had no real reason to rock in public any more and was unable to rock so my tapping got worse and worse and my fear of screaming and running came back with force I e

Southern_Belle
14-04-06, 16:51
mum,

Whoa! You do have your hands full. I have no idea if OCD is a learned behavior, genetic, or neither. My mother was extremely sloppy and neither of my sons are neat freaks. So, I'm just the oddball in my family, none of my siblings have it either. I would google ODD for your 6yr old. It is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It is a conduct disorder and it starts very young. The children mostly go into a rage when they hear the word "No". From what you describe your daughter might have it along with signs of ocd. I'm no doctor of course, but my son has ADD and OCD so I have lived with it. ADD is attention deficit disorder although he is not hyper. These are highly intelligent children who can get the best of you if you aren't careful. If you don't think your meds are working the best for you I would go back and change them. I do think you have ocd and would get the diagnoses and the best meds for that diagnoses. You may be on the best meds for it, I don't know. If you don't like your doctor, and it sounds like he doesn't really listen to you, can you change doctors? Is Australia on national health care too? Do you have any support? You didn't mention any, sounds like you need it. Anybody with 4 children would. My hopes for the best for you and your family.

Bel

mum2four
14-04-06, 23:01
my Dr is fine with me but when it come to my kids your right things seem to in one ear and out the other I keep hitting a brick wall with any one I talk to thay keep trying to blame my kids behaviour on me like I some how caused it because I was unable to not show them my behaviour's ect which is so not true at all my obsession has always been to not pass on strange behaviour I had to my kids. I know kids are copy cat's and now that I'm getting help I feel like I have less control over not doing my strange behaviours in front of them. I am making progress with my Dr and I think I can finaly get my daughter to tell him everything I already know so despite my feeling about if he is listening I know he is helping and I'm focusing on that right now. My daughter has never been so able to control her moods eva. She's still avoiding things and getting angry but I see she is really trying to stay in control of her behaviour. I think I finaly proving to him that I partented the best I could witrh the battles I have faced with her.
I did ask a pediatrition if she has ODD and he said she "normal" to me just stuborn and to go home and use reward chart. Reward charts never work wit my kids thay dont have any power over my kids. I try taking things thay like away but willow is so angrywhen she gets angry nothing get her to straigten up and acrt better she just looses the plot on me some more and takes longer to get over it and the only thing that remotly worked was taking me out of the picture and refusing to intertact with her till she tryed to calm down and slowly over the years she has uped the anti to make me scared to walk away from her and I still walk away till she's trying and the more I walked away and use my self as her reward the more OCD trait I noticed. She recently taken to using my shoe's to walk around in to keep calm in stead of trying to cling t me. She use to have a pooh bear that made her feel safe but as she got older she discovered it was not real enought or something and it no longer has the desired effect anymore. She has pooh bear everything just to try to keep her calm fo as long as posiable. She looses her pooh things to me if she refuses to try to calm down either my way or in her own positive way.

I think Ocd caang bve learned but the behaviour can be learned so it apears to be OCD but the thinking issues and anxiety wont be there. I have been trying to prove she has the anxiety and obessive thinking as well as her own behaviour on top a fue she might have picked up from me. But it's like I hit the brick wall with my anxiety I could explain things right so I got help for my anxiety and OCD in hopes of getting them listen to me aout my daughter. Now thay are trying to blame it on a copy cat issue when its not she has copy cat issues all kids do but she has her own isues that cant be explained to me and I'm serching for answers I wont stop till I get them. I refuse to let her grow up afraid of the world like me.

Southern_Belle
15-04-06, 15:26
Mum,

Sounds like you are doing the absolute best for your kids. Keep up the good work!

Bel