Freaked! ROCD? Or am I just slutty???

[Filthy1]

Hi guys,

Its been a long time since I've been on here but recently I think my ROCD has been acting up but I am not sure if it is or not so need some advice. Sorry if it's a long one!

I have been with my boyf for 4 yrs & at the start of our relationship I had really bad ROCD but we got through it and we are happily still together.
However, the last couple of months I have been wondering if I really am happy with my boyf.

Example: Last night I went out without him, drinking & dancing etc & I love to dance & obviously like to get attention from guys. The thing is I worry that I want TOO much attention from guys, or the fact that I do means that I don't love my boyf. I also feel really ugly, fat & horrible if I don't get chatted up/danced with, even though I don't actually want to go home with any of these guys. Am I just being slutty??

Second of all, I tend to make friends with men much easier than women & when ever I make a new male friend, I suddenly think that I fancy him & worry that I don't want to be with my bf & that I would be tempted to run off with this new friend. I have recently made one of these such friends, but have kept my distance after he turned up at a family party (inappropriate much!) and was a bit too friendly for my liking! But now, I keep thinking that I fancy one of my bf's friends who I have only just started getting on with recently. I met up with him & a couple of other lads who I am friends with last night. I am not sure if I was getting jealous that this lad was chatting up another girl or not! (I don't actually like the girl so this could have actually been what was going on).

So every time I go out drinking without my bf, the next day I always feel horribly guilty & feel like I need to confess to him!! I constantly am paranoid that he is pissed off with me for going out, even though he says he isn't.

Also, I worry that I don't really miss him, or that I am faking it when I say "Love you" or that I am not really having fun with him or enjoying his company. Or that when we are at home, I am too interested in my laptop/tv/phone and not interested enough in him.

A bit of background, my first real relationship was a complete nightmare, they convinced me that I had cheated on them because I slept with someone else around the same time we got together - I didn't cheat, I was single - but they twisted it & even made me confess to family & friends that I had cheated.
I have always felt like everyone's ugly friend or the easy girl, I never had boyfriends in school, I was more the girl that the lads would get off with but never actually go out with. Also, after my first relationship ended, I was a bit slutty & slept with a few blokes that had girlfriends, but I didn't know this until AFTER!



Anyway, I know you guys all are very wise so I look forward to your replies.

Thank you lots! xx

[Pinguanxious]

hunny, i havent been here in a while either.. it seems like an age ago that i had this panic and yet here i am.. panic creeping back in!
you are not a slut, do not ever think that of yourself, im going to share a little story with you that will hopefully put your mind at ease!
ok so when i first met my other half i was 16, young and niave, i hated the way i looked and had very low self esteem, and i did some things i wasnt proud of... for example if a guy showed me attention .. i would kiss him...whilst with my boyfriend, i did this with about ten different guys, not because i was a slut, but because it made me feel good, made me feel like i wasnt the ugly duckling i had always perceived myself as .... my point is ... people with ROCD ... like me and you ... have low self esttem ... think we are not worthy of love... but you are.. so what you like attention .. its natural animal instinct to like attention .. and it does not mean ou do not love your other half at all!!! stay strong hunny, do not let this ROCD rear its head after doing so well!! xxxxxx

just for the record guys .. dont judge me ...i have come clean with my other half and he forgave me ... however i cannot forgive myself.. those of you who know me or knew me on these boards will know my ROCD stems from this! i feel like i cant love him if i did this ... but it was never about him .. it was about my egoand getting the attention a 16-18year old desperatley craved ( and it never went further than kissing)

[Pinguanxious]

p.s ... i can totally relate to what you said about feeling that way about yourself.. so feel free to chat to me whenever you want xxx

[TeaLavender]

You are not slutty and you don't want to leave your boyfriend! Your boyfriend sounds amazing, and I'm glad that you guys got through your ROCD together because it can really take an extreme toll on it. I love getting attention from guys too, and yes my thoughts do drive me crazy and make me think that I don't want to be with my boyfriend and that he's not as good as those other guys and what not. What you need is a boost of confidence, you can't keep drinking in the attention from other guys to help your self-esteem. Yes it works, but you'll only be seeking it the next day! I know how you feel exactly, I used to be like that. However my remedy for that was to wake up every morning and tell myself what I liked about myself, tell myself I was beautiful and that I loved myself. It really worked, I don't feel as self-confident as I used to be 2 weeks ago. I think that you're being too obsessive about other people, that's the problem. Again, I can get like that too. What sucks is that I can get like that with my boyfriend's friends sometimes and I feel like a terrible person. For me, I would know that I don't like him whatsoever, we're pretty good friends, but when he says something I wonder, "Wait, did I just fancy his voice?" and then my mind would go crazy. :weep:

Then again, you know that alcohol could make your anxiety go off the charts right? You should lay off the drinking for a couple of months and see if you get better. When you worry that you don't miss him or think you fake it when you tell him you love him, it's not real, it's your OCD. Luckily for you, you know what love is! I don't know what it is, my ROCD catches up to me before I even discover what it is.

[Han]

Tealavender,

I can relate to your comments, do you feel it gets a lot worse around when a period is due? also can anxiety make this even worse to deal with??

I get thoughts of men i know of and think my relationship would be so much better with that person and i compare every single thing to him. My partner is aware of this and helps me get through it, I love him very much and we get on fantastic.

I dont understand why i get these thoughts?? always thinking maybe grass is greener etc etc. I have read a lot about ROCD and have quite a few similar symptoms which makes me doubt everything even more!