Self hatred

[daydreamer]

I dont think I have ever hated anyone as much as I hate myself. I probably hate anxiety almost as much, but it must be my fault I have the anxiety in the first place. I have no job, I dont do much as my agoraphobia dictates what I can and cant do. Ive had therapy and am on meds, they arent working so its obviously me. I just dont know how to change my situation. I want to do so much but Im scared if I try I will fail, as I usually do. I rely on one person, my mum, for which I feel guilty for each day. All I do is stress her out probably. I worry about her not being here, what would I do, how would I cope? All my friends have long disappeared, I rejected them before they could reject me, inevitable anyway. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? I have nothing to offer anyway! Im just so sick of waking up each day and having this horrible feeling, anixety, something bads going to happen. Its all I can think about most of the time, I have brief periods of relief and manage to enjoy a few things but everytime I look out of the window the thoughts come flooding back and I get scared like hell. I dont know if its anxiety, derealization or depression or what.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it all out in the hopes that it will make me feel a bit better. Has anyone on here ever felt like this? I hate myself so much its stopping me from doing anything.

[mike83]

Try not to hate yourself, nothing good will come from it. You seem to be doing the best you can in hard circumstances and have certainly accomplished more than I have. You are just in a relapse at the moment and its hard getting out of the hole. You could try meds and therapy again, theres always different meds and therapys to try, perhaps you stopped the meds too soon? Try to get out at least once a day, not everyday is going to be good but some will be. It doesn't matter about failing, everyone does at some stage. Try not to compare yourself to other people, lifes a struggle for everyone in different ways, you can't see everything. You seem a good kind person so at least you have that going for you.

Have you seen your doctor lately? I often feel its not worth me doing anything, infact theres nothing that motivates me, only making my parents life a little better. I feel guilty as they can't go on holiday and they don't like leaving me for too long. I could try a lot harder a lot of the time but its just hard. I worry about my dads health as he is overweight, smokes and has been working a lot lately, I don't think I could cope without him around. Try to do it for someone else if you can't do it for yourself and eventually you might be able to start doing it for yourself.

You have had some successes in the past, remember what they were like and strive for that again! You know these feelings aren't permanent and life can get better.

[london]

do you hate your self if you have the flu no you dont
nerves is a illness like amy other dont hate your self
god bless

[Eva May]

Hi daydreamer. That sounds exactly like I feel every now and again. I try and fail at something and think I should have tried harder or whatever but you have to remember that the reason everything is so hard or we feel like we're getting nowhere is not because we're weak or lazy, its because it's bloody terrifying. And not only that but it's so draining on your energy how are you supposed to get things in order when you're so stressed out and depressed and angry? I keep giving up but something always makes me try again. Right now I'm trying cbt and I think the reason I keep trying is because I absolutely deserve to keep trying, I deserve a shot at having a life and so do you! We have it 100 times harder than most people but we keep trying because in a weird way we're probably stronger than most people too :) I really hope this horrible helpless feeling passes for you soon :hugs:

[jude uk]

The blame game is very normal when a person suffers from anxiety. If the medication or therapy does not seem to be working then one is left with the conclusion that it must be them, they are in some way to blame for the mental health issue that they have.

Medication is only a stepping stone towards better health. Medication will not cure the anxiety panic agoraphobia but it will support a person while they go through therapy.
All this self-hate destroys the person within, until all one sees is an angry bitter resentful person but take away the mental health problem and the"real person" is there.
I would encourage you to look at how you feel...write down all of your issues and start to make a positve plan.

Eg
1. I am agoraphobic.....I will try to take a few steps outside eachday
2. I panic while shopping.....I will take someone with me that understands but when/if I panic I will try to keep calm

This is all about facing the fear and taking the small steps to recovery


Oh and everyone keeps forgetting to reward themselves for doing good....

One could do 7 things great that day but they wont think about that they will only remember the one failure......give yourself a pat on the back for each good thing and if you do fail on one thing just think how you will deal with it in the future

[daydreamer]

Thanks for your replies everyone, it means a lot! Its so easy for me to go back to hating myself when I dont achieve the things I want to. I dont reward myself for doing the little things and I compare myself to thers too much and you've reminded me not to do this as its not going to get me anywhere in the long run. I find it really hard to turn off that negative voice in my head that screams failure all the time, but Im going to try and work on it. Some good advice you have given I know I need to follow it, thanks x