Back ache?

[Bryn Powell]

Hello,
Thank you for creating such a helpful site.
I've been right down to the bottom but at the moment I'm living a fairly "normal" life. However, I'm still "nervous" in some situations. I face almost everything (some things I just can't) and therefore I find myself in uncomfortable situations. Most of the time I survive them but occasionally I feel panic rising. Increasingly I am lying to cope with the situation. I'll give you an example. 3 weeks ago I was in a meeting on the 13th floor of a building, I'm not superstitious but I don't like being in tall buildings. I was very aware of the windows and began to lose concentration and to have breathing problems. I couldn't sit still in my seat and knew that the panic was coming. What to do? I couldn't run away, not if I wanted to keep my job, so I told the person I was meeting with that I had a very bad back pain due to moving furniture the day before (not true!) This was something everyone can relate to and he was most sympathetic and offered advice. The panic subsided and afterwards every time I felt "nervous" I shifted in my seat and grimaced. I survived the meeting but on the way home I felt guilty about lying. The lying had helped me but is it a good thing? Since then I have used the bad back excuse on two occasions in two different meetings which weren't in tall buildings. Should I continue to lie to save myself or not?
Thanks
Bryn

[kate]

Bryn,

I myself have "lied" on numerous occasions about the panic!!

If you can't face telling anyone, I don't see there being a problem.

At the end of the day, it has helped you survive the meeting, you haven't hurt anyone by the "lie", and you haven't had to confess all!

I lied for years and years when I couldn't go places etc.

Lately though, I have found the strength to admit to panic attacks and so will you.

BUT only when you feel that you are ready to.

In the meantime, don't worry about it! It helps get you through!!

Take care

Kate x

[Bryn Powell]

Thanks Kate,
I can´t see myself confessing about panic attacks to strangers, in fact the only two people I´ve told are my wife and my mother. When my "problems" started again 6 years ago, I was working in an office in London. One of the men there was having problems and he "confessed." Instead of sympathy all he got was ridicule, not from me of course, but like a coward I said nothing. Bryn

[Meg]

Bryn

I don't think your issue will be this lie , but the next or the next.

You say that you've used that excuse now in situations that usually you have got through without saying anything at all.

It's a type of avoidance to yourself. I'm all for making your life easier but allowing yourself to get away with using this in usually manageable situations will make it harder to sit through next time and soon you may need to find another excuse and so forth ..

However imposing guilt on yourself is not useful either. Another negative emotion.

I have used an excuse on 1 occassion, when I was absolutely desperate and was glad I did, but I think it is something to be kept for emergencies only.

As helpful and great it is to share , there are still organizations where it will go down as a black mark for years to come and in that case - tell people outside of that environment and try to keep it close.

A friend of mine chose to give up a sucessful area manager job and go a grade lower, due to divorce and family issues as he thought he was on the edge and tried to be proactive.
7 years later he's been passed over for promotion twice - 'in case he might not be able to cope' - even though for the last 5 years his performance has been exceptional .








Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[uryjm]

Bryn
Do what you need to do and don't give yourself a hard time about it! The fact that you are aware of what you are doing and the potential negative effects probably mean you will regulate the behaviour. I think it would be a lot more worrying if you were in denial and started thinking that perhaps your back was a bit sore.
It's a real shame that those of us that suffer from this have to keep it to ourselves for fear of disdain. The view that we "can't cope" couldn't be further from the truth - if only others could comprehend the impact of a full blown panic attack!

Jim

[kate]

Bryn,

I agree with what Jim has said. Do what you need to to enable you to get through tough times.

If I hadn't lied about things in the past, I would have run out of places on numerous occasions.

Don't feel guilty, just accept that this is what you need to do NOW.

You may feel differently in the future.

Kate x

[Bryn Powell]

Thank you for the advice, the back ache excuse is the only one I´ve used and I can´t think of any other plausible ones which means that when I meet these people again I can´t use it! So the best thing I can do is not to think about the meetings in a negative way and just relax when I´m in them - easier said than done but I believe I can do it. Everybody knows about phobias (heights, lifts, spiders etc) and are sympathetic with them, but why not with panic attacks? Bryn

[kate]

Bryn,

As you say, much easier said than done!

I think a lot of people find it easy to relate to the phobia issue. How many people do you know who, although not suffering from panic as such, are scared of flying,spiders, lifts etc.

These are genuine fears suffered by a lot of the population.

Panic attacks, on the other hand,bring with them many and varied symptoms. Some of them being so obscure that we are unable to even describe them properly.

I think it is also down to the general stigma which still exists surrounding any kind of mental illness.

In my opinion, people are still wary of others suffering in such a way.

Just my thoughts on it anyway!

Kate x

[bluebird1]

Hi Bryn,
twelve years ago I stupidly told a neighbour about my panic attacks and agoraphobia, it had just started at the time and unfortunately I didn’t realise what a vindictive gossip she was, and when I mistakenly upset her (which was easily done ) she decided to tell all the other neighbours about me. Some of them had just moved in and went from a cheery hello, to ignoring me and not even making eye contact which at the time was appalling (and hurtful) because I became totally isolated, luckily one of the older couples who had known me for a while stayed friendly and recently some very young couples have moved in and I get on well with them.
I learned three things from this though, the first is humility and the second thing was when a new neighbour looked my husband in the eye and said "I NEVER listen to gossip" it made me realise there are some fantastic people around, and NEVER to gossip about people, Its cruel and shallow (well I try my best anyway I am a woman after all) And the third thing is to be very careful who I tell even the most sympathetic person can become rather alarmed when its something they don’t understand.
Oh well we women had to fight for equality maybe NOW’s the time for paniccers to be heard as well lol

Lyn [8)]

[kate]

Lyn,

Did you ever ask any of the neighbours why they felt they had to ignore you, just cos you suffer from panic?

Just goes to prove the point that it is easier to lie about our suffering than to tell the truth.

Kate x

[Bryn Powell]

My wife is terrified of birds and while I don't really understand it, I can sympathise (beady eyes, beaks and feathers.) When confronted with a "bird" situation she freely tells everybody and they nod and sympathise. However, I can imagine that if I was in a "panic" situation, a crowded bar for instance, and I said "I'm not comfortable here, because I suffer from panic attacks" my freinds would look at me as if I was mad. I'd be better off saying "There's no seats and I've got a bad back. Let's go somewhere else."
Bryn

[twister]

I tell practically everyone I meet about my panic attacks! Granted I wouldnt tell colleagues in a meeting as it may lead them to (wrongly) think I couldnt do my job but I tell most people.

I tell those I work with day to day and all my friends and pretty much even strangers if I know I am going to feel anxious in a situation!

So far people have always been fine and most then unburden themselves with stories of their panic attacks! Give it a try sometimes you might be surprised!

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

Emily, you must be the kind of person people can relate to! I don't think people would be so kind to me (it's not self-pity, just what I think.) I mentioned before in this post that a colleague (Richard) confessed and he was ridiculed. I remember being in the pub and the office gossips got into full swing, they said he was a wimp, a coward, a weakling etc. One person even questioned his sexuality.
Having seen that happen, there's no way I could ever do it. Lying's better, I think. But mental strength is even better than that. So I'll keep it under wraps and hope to improve day by day.
Thanks
Bryn

[twister]

Maybe it is to do with age or culture? Everyone my age in london seems to have had panic attacks!

I work in a very boisterous boysey office and when i was off for 3 weeks noone said anything negative to me. If they said it behind my back then I couldnt care less!

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

Age or culture? I don't know, maybe I'm a bit long in the tooth (the big four - oh has just passed) but this was five years ago, an office just off Oxford Street and the gossipers were aged from 18 to 40. They were mostly women, but the person who made the sexuality comment was a guy of 25. Culture? Probably not, we were all Londoners. Unfortunately for Richard (who was not a Londoner - Isle of Wight,) some of the comments were said to him. He left the company about a month later.
In the world there are good people and bad people, Maybe it was unfortunate for Richard that the office was mostly filled with bad people?

[twister]

Oh I thought you were in Madrid. I work near Oxford Street now! About 5 mins away.

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

I'm in Madrid now, but then I was in Berners Street, just north W.H. Smiths.

[twister]

I was in Mortimers on Berners St today!

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

I had my leaving do there - two and a half years ago!

[twister]

Small World!!!!:D

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

Isn't it? Maybe some of the gossipers from my old company were in there? I don't know why the leaving do was there, I much preferred The Champion pub on Eastcastle Street. I was in London in January and met some friends and my brother there. Living in Madrid is great, but they're some things I miss about London and one of them is a good London pub!

[twister]

give me a bell next time you are back!

I like the Fitzroy Tavern on Charlotte St - Orwell used to drink there.

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

I don't know the Fitzroy? Is Charlotte Street the one with the Marquis of Granby?

[twister]

yep. thats the one. i went there last friday!

Emily

[Bryn Powell]

Is the Fitzroy the one that's by the little alley that goes to Newman Street?
I used to go to the Marquis every Friday lunchtime in the summer!

[uryjm]

Ah, a pint in a smokey, cozy old London pub. Now there's a cure for a bout of panic if ever there was one! (Not that I want to restart the debate here about alcohol and panic - I only mean one pint!):D

Jim

[Bryn Powell]

Knowing all the pubs (apart from The Fitzroy) around Oxford Street makes me sound like a heavy drinker, but I worked around Oxford Street for 8 years - that's my excuse anyway!