Aurora86
21-04-11, 12:15
Hi all,
I'm new to this website so just wanted to say hello and hopefully make some friends to relate to.
I feel that I have a lot of problems and have had them for as long as I can remember, but 'under the surface,' and up until recently I had managed to keep afloat.
Although I am able to relate to one or two close people in my life, including my boyfriend, I've come to understand that i have some sort of social anxiety. I've always been very shy, and people comment on how quiet I am when they first meet me. It takes me a long time to trust people enough to talk openly with them. Sometimes I don't talk much even though I can think of things to say, as I feel that what I say will not be listened to anyway, or regarded as stupid or boring. Other times, I simply am lost for words, and cannot think of anything to say. In social 'one-to-one' situations I tend to try to initiate questions so that the other person will do most of the talking. In group situations, I barely speak, and feel awkward and as if it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. I find it very hard to look anyone in the eye.
This aspect of my character had always got to me, but it came to a head at a recent social event when I heard 2 aquaintances talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear. They were saying how 'rude' I was. Ever since then, all I can think is that everyone sees me as rude or stuck-up rather than shy. I know that deep down I am a good person, and I never wish bad things on anyone. Does it make me a bad person because I can't always articulate my feelings and thoughts out loud?
My main problem right now is I am a very nervous person, and very conscientious. This has usually been a merit during my studies and at work (I'm 25 now, and graduated from uni a few years ago and have been working since). However, over the last few months, I developed an almost obsessional anxiety at work, with regards to making mistakes. I work in the public sector, so the work I do directly affects other people. I am not so much scared that if I make a mistake I'll be fired, but frightened of negatively affecting someone else's life. I started obsessively checking everything I did, and would come home and panic because I'd get scared that I'd done something wrong, e.g. sending an email to the wrong address. I thought this was a work-load issue, but once things quietened down and I was still getting as panicky as ever, I realised something wasn't right. My b/f begged me to go to the doctor, as although I hid my fears at work, I would come home each night and get in a terrible state, as my brain would create new scenarios to worry about.
I did see a doctor, who gave general advice on anxiety. I told him I didn't want time off work, as I didn't want to reveal my illness to anyone, and thought I'd probably get more panicky about going back to work if I had time off. However, things came to a head when I had a massive panic attack on the way to work the other week. I felt like I was out of control, so asked to be signed off work. Now everyone at work knows about my anxiety issue. I have one close friend who has been supportive, but I saw another friend/work colleague yesterday who said she was upset I hadn't told her how I was feeling. Now I feel awful that I have hurt someone's feelings. But I was too ashamed to tell anyone how I felt, and I hoped it would go away.
I know I need to go back to work in a week or so, but am so scared of having to talk to my manager about whats been happening. The truth is that although my panic was work-focussed to begin with, as work was the place I was the most , everything scares and stresses me out still, even though I'm not at work.I worry about food contamination as I'm scared of being sick, I worry that I've forgotten to take my contraceptive pill, so check my pills in my handbag several times day, and I worry about leaving things plugged in/doors unlocked when I leave the house.
I shouldn't be scared or depressed, as I have a wonderful boyfriend and a lovely house. But I can't help feelings so fearful about everything. I hate myself for what I'm doing to myself and my boyfriend.
Can anyone offer any words of advice? xx
I'm new to this website so just wanted to say hello and hopefully make some friends to relate to.
I feel that I have a lot of problems and have had them for as long as I can remember, but 'under the surface,' and up until recently I had managed to keep afloat.
Although I am able to relate to one or two close people in my life, including my boyfriend, I've come to understand that i have some sort of social anxiety. I've always been very shy, and people comment on how quiet I am when they first meet me. It takes me a long time to trust people enough to talk openly with them. Sometimes I don't talk much even though I can think of things to say, as I feel that what I say will not be listened to anyway, or regarded as stupid or boring. Other times, I simply am lost for words, and cannot think of anything to say. In social 'one-to-one' situations I tend to try to initiate questions so that the other person will do most of the talking. In group situations, I barely speak, and feel awkward and as if it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. I find it very hard to look anyone in the eye.
This aspect of my character had always got to me, but it came to a head at a recent social event when I heard 2 aquaintances talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear. They were saying how 'rude' I was. Ever since then, all I can think is that everyone sees me as rude or stuck-up rather than shy. I know that deep down I am a good person, and I never wish bad things on anyone. Does it make me a bad person because I can't always articulate my feelings and thoughts out loud?
My main problem right now is I am a very nervous person, and very conscientious. This has usually been a merit during my studies and at work (I'm 25 now, and graduated from uni a few years ago and have been working since). However, over the last few months, I developed an almost obsessional anxiety at work, with regards to making mistakes. I work in the public sector, so the work I do directly affects other people. I am not so much scared that if I make a mistake I'll be fired, but frightened of negatively affecting someone else's life. I started obsessively checking everything I did, and would come home and panic because I'd get scared that I'd done something wrong, e.g. sending an email to the wrong address. I thought this was a work-load issue, but once things quietened down and I was still getting as panicky as ever, I realised something wasn't right. My b/f begged me to go to the doctor, as although I hid my fears at work, I would come home each night and get in a terrible state, as my brain would create new scenarios to worry about.
I did see a doctor, who gave general advice on anxiety. I told him I didn't want time off work, as I didn't want to reveal my illness to anyone, and thought I'd probably get more panicky about going back to work if I had time off. However, things came to a head when I had a massive panic attack on the way to work the other week. I felt like I was out of control, so asked to be signed off work. Now everyone at work knows about my anxiety issue. I have one close friend who has been supportive, but I saw another friend/work colleague yesterday who said she was upset I hadn't told her how I was feeling. Now I feel awful that I have hurt someone's feelings. But I was too ashamed to tell anyone how I felt, and I hoped it would go away.
I know I need to go back to work in a week or so, but am so scared of having to talk to my manager about whats been happening. The truth is that although my panic was work-focussed to begin with, as work was the place I was the most , everything scares and stresses me out still, even though I'm not at work.I worry about food contamination as I'm scared of being sick, I worry that I've forgotten to take my contraceptive pill, so check my pills in my handbag several times day, and I worry about leaving things plugged in/doors unlocked when I leave the house.
I shouldn't be scared or depressed, as I have a wonderful boyfriend and a lovely house. But I can't help feelings so fearful about everything. I hate myself for what I'm doing to myself and my boyfriend.
Can anyone offer any words of advice? xx