Relationship break down caused by my anxiety???

[captured_butterfly]

Hey im new to this website but im feeling very sad and thought i might find some nice words or advice from you guys, sorry this will be long, need to vent :-(

Basically ive had anxiety for aslong as i can remember, my mum has mental health problems and i had a tough upbringing, i always felt not gud enough for anyone, always felt rejected by a lot of people. I also suffer with a mild form of agrophobia, i get VERY anxious if i have to stay away from home for any period of time, ie going on holiday, i have got a lot better at going away after having CBT but i still find it very stressful.

I got with my now ex bf 7 yrs ago wen we were both 17, he was my first boyfriend, my first everything, couldnt beleive my luck that someone could actually fancy me, we had lots of fun together and lots of happy memories, he helped me through CBT and was always there for me when my mum was bad, he was my star.

Things went wrong when he cheated on me 2 yrs ago :-( worst time of my life! Absolutely devastated when this happened! I found a way to forgive him and we tried again, i was sooooo scared of what people would say that i didnt tell anyone i was seeing him again for months, which he wasnt happy about but went along with it for me, but then out the blue he dumped me and started seeing someone else, once again i was absoutely devastated that he had left me :-( Blamed myself that i wasnt the happy bubbly person that i used to be :-( His relationship didnt last long and once again we got back together and once again i didnt tell anyone for fear of what people would think etc etc I hate feeling that people are talking about me, i cant stand it, i hate that i feel like everyone is judging me :-( By october last year i told my family and friends and they were'nt particulalry happy but got on with it, my ex arranged for an all expenses paid trip to London for us and we had the most amazing time.

In February this year we talked about renting somewhere together, we saw a couple of places then i got panicky and couldnt go through with it :-( He got a little house in the same village i live, on his own and said i could move in when ever i was ready. Since then all we've done really is argue, i just never really beleived he wanted to be with me and that there was someone better that he wanted, i was constantly asking if he was alright and if we was alright as a couple, i just kept getting the impression he didnt love me, even though he said it all the time. He was always a liar which doesnt help, as im trying to build up trust he would lie about something stupid that would just undo all the good, guess he got bored of trying with me :-(

Last Monday we broke up, i went out with a friend for tea and he was sat with another girl having tea :-( I dint know who she was, and i started having a panic attack, he came over and said it was a uni friend, when i got back to his later that night i laid into him about it, askin y he cudnt have just txt me to let me know and stuff, next monring he asked me to leave cos he was sick of it :-( i knew if i left his house that i couldnt go back, we're constantly on and off and i hate this :-( I wanted to speak to him but he wouldnt come home and talk to me so i left :-(
Ive havent txt him, just left him to it, he has txted me saying how hes full of regrets that he couldnt make it work and how he does really love me and that he hopes i find someone who can make me happy :-( :-( I havent replied to this :-( Painfully obvious theres no going back.

I just blame myself for this whole sorry mess, if i only i could have not worried about what people would say and just got on with it :-( If i only i didnt ask him a million times a day if he was happy :-( If i only i didnt say how ugly i was all the time and y i couldnt understand why he was with me :-( If only i had been more fun instead of sad and worried all the time. :-(
Im 24yrs old, have few friends that i dont think really like me, no boyfriend and now im never going to get married or have children :-( Feel like ive pushed away the one person that really understood me and that hurts like mad :-(

Im sorry this is long and anyone whos got to the end of this i appreciate it, any advice or nice words would be lovely :-( Feeling very low :-( xx

[molly36]

Hi there i am so sorry you are going through all that ,life can be so tough sometimes .Please dont think for 1 minute that you wont meet someone else and have kids you have your whole life ahead of you .I do know its hard to see that when you are hurting but it will happen.I was about your age and went through a divorce and i thought i would never get over it and i also suffered anxiety and panic then too.But i am now with someone else have been for over 10 years and have 3 beautifull boys ,so i promise you will get over it and life will be good to you again.Just give it time ,when you split with someone after a long time you go through a sort of grieving prosess but time heals and 1 day you will wake up and realise it dosent hurt as much.You need to get out as much as you can ,i dont mean drinking i mean try new things ,like college or something to keep your mind occupied.Please take heart in that you have a long life ahead of you and one day it will get better.take care molly

[Anxious_gal]

if your family and friends do not like your boyfriend thats a huge RED FLAG.
You really need to work on your self esteem.
he cheats on you, you take him back, then he dumps you, you take him back......
you telling him its ok to disrespect you, you need to love and respect yourself enough to to realize when people treat you bad and that you deserve so much better.

you can't make anyone love you, you can't make anyone stop loving you, it is just something that happens.

This guy knows you need him, he knows he can do anything and you will never leave him, he knows you are scared that he will leave you......
a relashionship should never be based on fear, it should be built on trust and respect.

i think this is a very unhealthy relashionship.


http://psychcentral.com/romancequiz.htm
http://psychcentral.com/lovequiz.htm

Maybe these quizzes might help you determine if this relashonship is really worth the stress.

"Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect"

[captured_butterfly]

Thanx Molly36, Its very hard thinking that i wont find anyone who will be able to handle my problems like my ex did :-( I know that there is no way back for me and my ex now but its very hard to really accept it, knowing that all the things we planned are now gone :-(. I do work full time and have some lovely friends at work (although they all like second mums as non of them are my age) and ive applied to do some voluntary work in order to try and get out and about a bit. Been thinking about starting up Yoga aswell, heard that might help my anxiety. Glad things worked out in the end for you, gives me hope that i might be able to have a happy future too!

Thanx Mishel, I know it was a very destructive relationship its just hard to get out of it when i loved him soo much and i knew how nice he could be :-( Cant help but blame myself though :-( I do have very low self esteem, felt lucky that even though he cud hurt me, he still wanted me :-( My family didnt really hate him, they just didnt like how much he hurt me, hes a nice guy just does stupid things as they say. I know i need to work on myself and make myself happy and not depend on someone else to do that just hate how the anxiety is like a worm in ya brain eating all the positivity that i have :-(

[lilostitch]

hmm soo sorry to hear about that...all i can say from a guy's perceptive, i don't think it's your fault at all that he is not able to stay faithful with you. He's just a jerk like most guys and probably doesn't understand how much u care about him. What i would suggest is take a break from all this and learn to enjoy your life. You're just 24 and you have a long and beautiful life ahead of you. Just pick yourself up girl and do all the things that you like to do. Get after those hobbies you always had but never got the time to pursue, go backpacking around the world, or even focus building a career. Let loose and you will see the world in different light. Show that silly prick ex bf the finger and move on. We all go through such phases and tough it seems that our life can't move without that special person, but there are a lot of other even more awesome people out there. So remember you are special in your own way, and in time people will see that. Never sacrifice your self respect for anyone since anyone is not that important..:) Cheer up http://www.ayushveda.com/mens-magazine/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Move-on-After-a-Break-Up.jpg

[captured_butterfly]

Thanx lilostitch :-)
Its nice to read such lovely comforting words, deep down i know i deserve better and im not all to blame for this mess, and im hopeful that one day i'll see the light and think 'what the hell was i doing!'
I have applied to do some voluntary work and doing yoga, going to look into doing a college course aswell, just so im not sat crying all the time and to keep my mind busy :-) Although this scares the life out of me cos im not good at meeting new people :-( Find conversation hard with new people :-(

Right now it hurts reallly bad but one day i'll realise it happened for a reason :-)

[Patrick Michael]

Hey Captured butterfly,

I read your post with interest. I was a boyfriend to a woman who would repeatedly do herself down. I would support and encourage her, and loved both her and her child very much. Ultimately she dumped me, quite brutally, out of the blue....... and it was and has been an awful time.

Immediately I understood that it was her choice, however painful for me. When she would say 'I'm an emotional cripple' which I would counter with 'No, you are not - you are a human being' or 'I'm a @@@@' I would say ' You are most certainly not'. Ultimately she was in a painful place, but one that she chose to stay in. Only she can stop her inner monolgue, or replace it with 'I'm a human being' and 'I'm a fantastic person'.

Here's the rub - we all get things wrong sometimes. Most of the time we get stuff right - eating, drinking, working, socialising. Some of the time we get things wrong ' I could have done this' ' I should have done that' and we bring ourselves down.

You are OK. You are a HUMAN BEING. Ultimately YOU have to CHOOSE to talk differently to yourself. And you'll get such a kick out of starting to talkt o yourself positively again......... It will get better. It DOES take time.

For myself.... 18 months on now. I work, I eat, I see friends, I needto lose a bit of weight, I need to stop smoking, I need to stop beasting up on myself. I could not have done any more to help her, when she gave me the bullet - I drew back into myself - self protection and having been badly hurt. Its time to start reaching out again and moving forward....... my friends keep telling me they are looking forward to hearing of my comedy dates. I want to tell them those stories too, I want to tell them to myself!

I dream of a wife and family. During the interlude I have done all sorts of rebuilding work on the house. I thought it was to keep me busy - and it was -0 but someone also said to me I was building a new nest to launch from - and thats true too.

Good luck