How do I find friends in the state I'm in?

[On The Outside]

I don't expect I will find the answers here (being as optimistic as ever) but I hope a few people might at least read this. I've been feeling as though almost nobody is aware of my existence anymore and, though I wish I didn't feel sorry for myself, I just don't know how to change and feel trapped, imprisoned by anxiety and my mind that constantly torments me.

I've probably said it elsewhere on here before but I suffer from loneliness, shyness, Social Anxiety, OCD, depression, possible BDD (due to low self esteem), agoraphobia, oversensitivity, emotional problems, you name it. I sound like a real catch don't I? (!!) I've ended up hating myself and feeling that my life is a complete waste of time. I feel so worthless right now and every day that goes by drags on while my obsessive mind constantly ruminates on all my problems and about things that might have worked out.

I don't know who or what to blame anymore for what is wrong with me. Years ago I blamed the bullies and teachers who talked down to me. Then when I began therapy, I started to realise that what happened to me happens to many people but I could never let go of all the things that had hurt me. I wrote a lot of my bad memories out of my system though it took a long time to move on from them. The first real friend I made since I left school died after I'd known him six years. Most other friends I've made since never stayed in touch for long. I wish I knew what I did to put people off so I could change it, if it's all down to me.

The future terrifies me. I haven't worked or studied for years, spend much of my time alone or with my immediate family, I have no help from local mental health care so I'm largely expected to deal with all my many problems by myself. I fear being judged for all my limitations and mental health problems and have a terible compulsion to be too honest and reveal too much about myself which most likely sends the very few people who show any interest in me running. Which is something I'm now beating myself up about mentally every day instead of accepting that I'm a good, kind, caring and generous person and that it can't all be down to me that I never seem able to keep friends.

There's more to me than meets the eye. I have always had interests which are largely an appreciation of a wide range of music and TV shows and some knowledge of history and politics. Although I'm shy of strangers, I find it quite easy to have conversations with people who are willing to talk to me though I admit I sometimes talk too much and for too long! One of the main reasons I joined this site (apart from to hopefully find support which I can't get elsewhere) was in the hope of making some friends as I was in regular contact with someone at the time and was already aware that we were in touch too often and I needed more contacts. (No prizes for guessing that I'm not in touch with her at all now but that was for a different reason that I wrote about in January.) I crave human contact and dread much of the time that I'm alone yet I fear people!!

I wrote more but decided to leave it there as I've already written too much! I just wish my life wasn't such a mess.

[tillymint]

Sorry to hear that you are in such a dark place right now. I hope that you find the help and the support that you need. I cant help thinking that maybe you should consult your GP and seek some support since it sounds as though you arent getting any.

I appreciate that it is difficult to assert oneself when confidence and self esteem are low, but you have been brave enough to reach out here, so perhaps you could open up to your GP nad tell him that you are desperate for some help to cope with the myriad of problems you are obviously coping with alone.

Good luck:)

[Tero]

When nothing else helps, I recommend exercise or physical work. Work that makes you tired so you can sleep well. Our lives are quite unnatural compared to what we evolved to do. (hunt, gather, later farm)