View Full Version : Fear of suicide, but not suicidal?
Hi all,
One thing that's bugged me on and off for the last 2 years is the fear that I might one day become suicidal. This was really bad in 2009 when I first became ill, and in the last few months where I've had a bad time with anxiety coming back at full strength, the old fears returned.
I know this is just anxiety's uber-weapon, the one negative thought I still have no real defence against. It creates a kind of "breach" in my mind which allows loads of negative thoughts to slip through, putting me back into the cycle of worrying until my coping strategies become effective again.
Does anyone else get this, and how do you cope with it?
I get this too. It is really difficult but I try and ignore it by distracting myself, or thinking how good life it, thinking no I don't want to kill myself and wont things will get better, I will overcome this! hope this helps xxx
hello ,
all I can do when this thought rears up yet again ...is say to myself ......I will give it another day ....another hour .
then the thought although there .............gets weaker . and that core of trust in myself Poet :hugs:............what I would do to those who are family .
they are only thoughts at the end of the day ..........we can change them .....and if we cant ? .........delay them indefinately . take care xx
i tired to kill my self last week and after taking the pills in a drunken stupur suddenly wanted to live.....maybe there is some thing worth living for even some thing small
I do get this sometimes. Someone very close to me killed themselves and I have moments where I worry that I may have a genetic propensity to do the same. Rationally, I know I get anxiety and not depression, and I also know it's only a thought. Thoughts can be challenged or ignored and cannot hurt us. I remind myself this when the ugly thought comes into my head and I also remind myself of the pain and horror my family went through, I would never inflict that on my loved ones again - the grief and guilt is immeasurable.
You have come so far, this is just "Captain Anxious" sitting on your shoulder whispering poison into your ear. Try to challenge the thoughts or ignore them, they have no power and thoughts do not always lead to actions, they are just thoughts.
Best wishes.
Anxious_gal
28-04-11, 23:02
thats a hard one, often when you feel suicidal you do not want to die., it's just you want to stop feeling pain and feel out of options.
you would notice your change thoughts and mood first, like you would not suddenly decide to kill your self.
There may be times like after a fight or something bad happening where your thoughts get really negative, you might think about making a will, or how you would kill yourself or if anyone would miss you.
But thats pretty normal, and doesn't tend to last too long, it's often just a reaction to a bad situation.
I was suicidal as a teen, wrote a letter even... but thought i might as well go to my doctor first and see if they could help me.
I learned a lot from that, in fact it thought me how not to get suicidal again by using positive thinking, and really just being my own best friend.
like if the whole world turned against me I would still think I'm a good person.
when you get depressed all you see are the negatives you totally ignore the positives!
you over generalize example: EVERY day is bad, i feel sad ALL the time, NO ONE likes me.
I have this when anxiety is really bad - thinking what would I do if it gets so bad I can't bear it or how would I feel if I never get any better and face being like this for the rest of my life. As Mishel states, when you are depressed you concentrate on the negatives, so I try and tell myself this and that it is just part of the illness. I remind myself that I have had tough spells before and I have always come through them. I think of my family and how I couldn't bear to be without them. I also remind myself about seeing the doctor if it gets too bad to discuss options treatment wise. There are so many drugs and treatments out there that I have never tried, I just think if it got unbearable I would find something else that worked better for me.
These strategies have always helped me through until I do start to feel better. Then I realise how bad I felt when I had these negative feelings and how far I've come in my recovery.
Tyke
Hi Poet
I have just finished reading your guide to Citalopram and have felt much re-assured about this and many other issues.
I have animals that are dependant on me but sometimes even that is not enough to stop the thoughts running through my head.
However many years ago I had 2 really good serious attempts at ending it all and I am not sure how I failed.
I think (or I hope) that I can tell the difference between feeling so low that I cannot see things ever changing and feeling sucidal.
Anyway thanks again for your guide I think that I will be reading it again when I am struggling.
Hi everyone... wow, this has touched a nerve. I am sad to hear that a couple of you actually were suicidal, and I am very glad that you came through this. The worst - the WORST - thing about anxiety/depression is when it clouds hope. We live in a world which almost seems to glory in bad news, but then you realise that it's actually the media which does this, it's the constant stream of murder investigations, wars and terrorist threats which have come to dominate our lives.
I've noticed this has become particularly bad over the last decade and the media has taken a far more negative, almost hostile bias.
On my good days I find myself simply enjoying everything and getting excited about it, even little things like having a relaxing bath or a lie-in. (How much has changed in two months - back then I DREADED mornings!)
Then when I saw the Royal Wedding today I suddenly realised HOW MUCH people have this unspoken, unfulfilled urge to have fun and celebrate together. This seems more true of Britain than any other country in the world. There is no nation able to come together in such a spirit of joy and hopefulness than our own, and there is no country or event on Earth that could have drawn two billion viewers.
So why are we allowing misery and fear to take over?
I know in my case I am still not cured of my deep fears and I have been suffering from them for so long I literally do not know how to cope WITHOUT them. Negativity, fear, distress, anger, they are part of who I am now and I have mastered them so well.
Changing this, replacing them with happiness, joy, sensitivity, courage and maturity, is making me such a better person that even my team leader commented on how different I am now to back in the "bad old days". Yet I struggle to deal with feeling like this - it's like if I let go of the pain, and hold onto the happiness of simply sitting in my back garden enjoying the sun, I have this dreadful fear which surges up, as if feeling good is going to kill me.
That's exactly how it is: I am afraid that it will either kill me or make me "disintegrate", and negativity and depression will fill the void left behind by the vanquished anxiety and depression... when I say it like that it seems clear that I am just stuck in the cycle of worry, and there are times when I despair of ever breaking it. That in turn is another classic trick of the cycle of worry. It seems so clear when written down, and when I discuss it I do feel some relief... but digging in there and clearing this clutter is like pulling weeds, so something is either missing from my efforts, or I simply need to keep on going and let weeks, months, maybe years pass. Talking about the cycle of worry is easy, actually living through it day by day can be horrendous, although there have been plenty of good times lately.
I've been a negative, complaining, scared person since I can remember. Trying to let go of that paradoxically makes the feelings worse. Being happy can occasionally make me feel sad or low, which I immediately interpret as a doomsday scenario which could lead to suicide, even though I am NOT suicidal. Who knows how things will be in another 6 months, considering how massively improved I am in just 2 months, but these coming months are not going to be easy!
Keep fighting and stay strong.:hugs:
Hi Poet
here is something I posted earlier which I thinks touches on things you have said here.
Even getting better it would appear is not easy.
How to cope with not being miserable
Hi
I have been on Fluoxetine for 7 weeks now.
Up until recently I despaired of it working and have felt much worse for most of the 7 weeks..
Now I can see a slight lifting of my mood and am not experiencing feelings of despair nor is my mind racing with horrible negative thoughts.
Great you think, but no I cannot be happy not being miserable so I am now analysing this.
Although not thinking negative thoughts I don't know if I am really feeling anything. My brain is operating and my work has improved but I feel a bit dissassociated from myself, as though the real me is not really here.
Could this be the medication or is it my brain giving me a respite for the absolute hell I have been going through in recent months or heaven forbid is this how "normal" people feel?
you are a very special thoughtful man Psychopoet.
your words reach a lot of us here in cyber space :hugs:
the word that leapt out at me in your post there was HOPE.
Something that was close to my work in cancer nursing . it doesnt mean necessarily a cure .............just something tangible in the near future to work towards .........that tiny voice that says it will be better .
take away hope ? Not a good place to be . it can just be a very small thing that keeps us going ...........but nurture it and make it grow .
xxx
Hi everyone, thank you so much for the advice and the very kind things you say.
As I gradually come to terms with this problem about fearing suicide and other negative thinking (and in my good moments I have no doubt that I will), a lot of this is going to make it into my reworked Citalopram Survival Guide.
Funny how one minute this problem can seem so ridiculous, the next it sends me running for help. I do think the fears of becoming suicidal is anxiety's version of a nuke. It's frustrating to come so far and yet end up suffering because of a random, unrealistic thought.
In addition to my last post, I found this link in an old fear-of-suicide thread on NMP. This is really useful and might bring relief and comfort to people:
http://www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/intrusive-thoughts/
Poet,
Your posts always touch a nerve with me .... I totally understand how you feel. With me its worrying about taking my own life. It has been well planned a couple of times and attempted once when i was about 15 and also the worry that my anxiety and panic well get such a hold over me that I will lose the plot completely. Even though my Dr has assured me it won't!
I am sure it is the same case for you Poet. My Dr has taken my off Citalopram now and now I take Duloxetine. Which I have to say I feel petty much the same as before :/ I don't know if you have had any experience of this drug?
Take care and do let us know how you are getting on,
Julie :)
Hi. I'm not suicidal. I love life and I'd be too scared to do it anyway... BUT I do sometimes get unwanted thoughts when I'm particularly anxious, and lately those thoughts have included thoughts of suicide. For example, my Dr told me I couldn't take Dosulepin tablets anymore because they have recently discovered that they cause heart problems in some patients. I googled for information about this because my Dr had sent me for an ECG (and I was wondering why) and I also discovered that Dosulepin causes 200 deaths a year due to accidental overdose. Apparently you wouldn't have to take much more than the prescribed dose to cause a fatal overdose. So... bearing in mind that this information was fairly fresh in my mind, I opened the cupboard to get some sugar and spotted my old Dosulepin tablets, and I had the thought 'I could take those and kill myself really easily'! The thought was accompanied by the familiar woosh of anxiety and then I started thinking 'Why did I have that thought? Am I suicidal?' And of course then the thought starts popping into my head randomly every so often and frightening the heebie jeebies out of me! I know I'm not suicidal, and I think the trick is to not let the thoughts frighten me. If you let them frighten you they start to control you. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make (in a rather waffly way) is that I think we can have distressing and unwanted thoughts that aren't real because we are in a highly anxious state. Other people have funny thoughts all the time but they don't dwell on them and can shrug them off more easily.
Shoegal, I think you've hit the nail on the head with your comment about unwanted/intrusive thoughts. I remember having a discussion with the counsellor about this, and the point he made was that absolutely everyone gets these thoughts, but it's anxious people that dwell on them. If we can get to the stage where we can dismiss them as "only thoughts" then they won't affect us so much.
Shoegal and blueangel,
I totally agree with you both .... it's the getting to 'that' frame of mind thats the difficult part and then being able to stay there! :shrug:
All the best
Julie xx
I have been have this issue now for a few weeks since I had a relapse of my anxiety. I had a 36 hour panick attack that just couldn't beat even with benzodiazepines I went to er twice and didn't get any help from them. So as I was trying to work through I thought if I shot myself I could some releif. This scared the shit out me, iam about 5 weeks back on meds and these thoughts come up and scare me so much. I want releif from the anxiety but I know that's not the way to do it.
I hard to fight past them sometimes and others easier worry if I'll lose it and do something. Iv shared this with my soppurt group and therapist and even a hotline number it helps to share it it rly does face to face. I just hope a few more weeks of meds and treatment it won't be a thing because it wasn't before my relaspe
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