some advice please!

[bluesparkle]

hmmm i hate posting things that arent posative now as i have come so far but i really feel i need some help...
my relationship is not going well.. i know there are several of us in this situation at the moment.
last night was awful and has left me in a right state of panic today and all i can manage to do is cry!!! i feel totally drained of every emotion but i cant explain to him. i want to switch a switch and make everything ok again.
my partner has had some fairly big issues to deal with over the last month (wont bore you with detail but happy to tell more if asked)
he is struggling and does not cope with his emotions well and often gets angry and frustrated. last night it all came to a head and he lost his temper... he says that i was pushing him (not physically but asking him questions) my panic rises and i do get like that but i do know i do not deserve what i got...
anyway once calmed down i told him i wanted to put it behind us and see what happens.
anyway what i want to know is... how do i explain to him how i feel and how panic/anxiety affects me and my life i need a few simple things to print or get him to read so he knows its not just me. he has looked on here before but it was to much information so he just switched off... he thinks i can just switch to "normal" and get on with things. i do not want to go back down to the bottom again...
he does know how far i have come and how much i have changed...
he has suffered mild depresion before but i darent even suggest that he sees someone and the chances are as the problems pass so will this. but he says he has never got angry before he met me and especially with other partners which makes me feel like it is me thats done this... although when i am calm i dont see how it can be.
i am changing every day and working so hard on my problems that i need to make him see how hard it is sometimes.
thank you for listening
not sure if ive posted this in the right place though
rach

[darkangel]

hi rach
Ive just read your message and thought i would respond.
relationships can be difficult at the best of times but when we have anxiety and panic it can be difficult to get our partner to understand how we feel. there will be times when both of you will get angry and frustrated. i am currently in a relationship with someone with severe mental health issues and sometimes it can be very difficult to get my view across but we find that sometimes we need time apart from each other to deal with our own issues. It is not ideal but I suppose it whats works for us.
There are small information leaflets on anxiety, stress, phobias, etc you can get from MIND which are excellent for partners to read.
You cannot blame yourself for what is going on just now, you said he has issues and that is his responsibility to sort out. If your partner isn;t too well just now himself, he may not be able to see how hard it is for you - this can be very frustrating on both parts.
Not sure if I have helped but the best way is maybe to take some time out and hopefully once things cool down you can talk.
You mention you are changing and working hard on your problems so well done for that - keep that going because we need to keep going for ourself, no-one else.
All the best and I wish you well

Darkangel


........life is for living not just for surviving

[Karen]

Hi Rach

Sorry to hear about the relationship problems. No matter what the situation him losing his temper is not helpful and I was a bit concerned when you said


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">but i do know i do not deserve what i got...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
So are you ok is my first question?

Would he have the patience to read thePanic Attacks (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default.asp?t=cms&c=panicattack) information on the home page?



Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Southern_Belle]

Rach,

I honestly feel like it is unlikely that your partner has never gotten angry with any partner before he met you! You should not blame yourself. Maybe because he is under such stress he doesn't want you asking questions and due to your anxiety you want to talk things out and he isn't willing at this time. Thus, the blowup. It is not acceptable though for you to know that what you got "you didn't deserve" which worries me, along with Karen. That doesn't sound healthy. If at all possible, I would give him space until he is at a better place and then broach the subject again when he is more open to it. We are always here for you. Hope you are o.k.

Bel

[kairen]

Hi Rach,

sorry things arent going well at the moment,
really i can only repeat what karen said about him reading the information here about panic attacks,

and most improtantly are you ok,


you know where i am you have my number.

take care,

and remember its the person who hast lost their temper who has lost control not the one on the recieving end its not your fault,


kairen x

[bluesparkle]

hi
thank you all for your replies it means alot to me...
yes i am ok thanks with out going into to much detail he lost his temper and brke the door which frightened me very much (used to be in a violent relationship) he grabbed me to "calm" me down not that i saw it that way... but yes i am fine just shaken up...
thanks for the reminder of first steps i forgot to look on there i will print it off and just leave it for him to read in his own time.
i am not giving up yet but like i said i will see how it goes also i do not want anything to take me back down to the bottom again.
thank you all so much for caring
take care
rach

[Piglet]

Hi Rach,

Everybody knows how much I like affirmation cards and one that really touched me quite awhile ago was one with a drawing of two swans with their necks bowing to each other forming a heart shape with the words

<center>'You are only responsible for your half of a relationship'</center>

This is true of all relationships - we can only take responsiblity for our own behaviour not the other persons. Sure other people respond to our actions but the way in which they respond is down to them!!!!

If at all possible if it looks like a row is brewing then try and distance yourself from it and go out the room or the house. All people need to vent from time to time but it musn't be at the cost of the other persons physical or emotional health.

Big hugs mate.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[bluesparkle]

thanks for that piglet...
i like that affirmation and will keep reminding myself of it whilst this sorts itself out.
rach
x

[Spice]

Hi bluesparkle,

My relationship has broken down due to the same reasons as yours is going through.

My partner had absolutely no experience of living or coping with anyone with anxiety problems before me and I have to say that at the beginning he was my rock and was very supportive. He too was also struggling to cope with problems of his own just like your partner and as time has gone on he has become frustrated and angry and when I am feeling anxious and can't go shopping or out for meals etc., at first he supports me and calms me then I am made to feel a failure by letting him down. He says that because of my situation his character has changed and he is less tolerant and that he has given everything to the relationship and me and I don't appreciate him! I have told him to go out with his friends and to the football etc., but he doesn't go and then makes me feel bad by saying it's because of me that he stays home!! During arguments I have been called everything from a waste of space to a psycho yet I carried on living with him as I felt that I was to blame for him feeling angry and being like this and I deserved it for not being a "normal" partner.
He had an argument with my eldest daughter and I was made to chose between them and I stupidly chose him as I was so dependent on him and wouldn't even have a shower without him being in the bathroom with me as I was so scared of panic. I was told by him not to see my daughter as she would only stress me and make my panic worse. I was also told the same about my family but I saw them secretly when he was at work and have since regained my relationship with my daughter.
A few months back he went away to Newcastle for a long weekend to a stag and I was told to lock myself in the house and not have contact with anyone who would stress me as this would make me panic and that I would be ok till he got back..... and stupidly I did it!!!!
It was suggested that he see a counsellor but he declined.
I am working hard at getting better and was having CBT privately and I see a CPN but I realised a couple of weeks ago that I would never get better whilst I was living in an environment with someone like this so I told him it was best if we parted company.
He has told friends and family that he loves me dearly and simply cannot give any more to the relationship or my problems and they are ever so sympathetic to him as he is seen as such a caring individual but little do they know of the verbal abuse that I have had to tolerate which was sometimes in front of my 9 year old.

Please think things through and do what's right for you.

Take care.


xxx

[Paddington]

hi bluesparkle,bet this sounds naff,but [as wellas the infoyou have printed off]have you thought about 'relate'?i have heard good things about this organisation[if you can get him there??]As he is dealing with his probs and you with yours,it sounds like you are in a boxing ring eyeing each other from your own corners,do you get me?Maybe a third party could act as reff!Just thought i would mention it[if not relate then maybe a good friend??love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore