lifetime of rejection has made me feel like giving up

[On The Outside]

I've written about many of my problems elsewhere on this site so I'll try to keep this post short. Basically I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate my life and feel like giving up completely. I've spent years trying to make friends and being kind to the few people who let me into their lives. But, no matter what I do, however good I am to someone, I always end up either being ignored by them or having it thrown back in my face.

I don't know which is worse really. I've known people who projected their own feelings onto me and made out that I was the bad guy just because I didn't go along with everything they said. I've had so called friends being rude to me to my face and behind my back (as others have told me things).

All I've ever wanted was to feel accepted and, dare it be said, loved for who I am. I recently thought I had found the perfect friend for me. She was everything I'd ever wanted in a girl! We had so much in common! I've never met anyone else who shared so many interests and felt the same way about things! I gave her my support when she needed it and felt that she was there for me and understood my own problems. Throughout that time, I hardly heard from anyone else including my one real life friend who only gets in touch when it suits him.

So, for once in my life, I felt truly happy and was able to start to feel confident in myself and able to do something with my ambitions involving writing, music, even acting! Unfortunately, nothing ever works out for me and, for reasons that I might never know, she stopped answering my calls, texts and emails.

Because I suffer such severe OCD, the last six weeks have been absolute torture for me. I spent most of my time thinking about her, remembering things she said and, when I try not to think of her, I see or hear something that reminds me of her. I constantly analyse things and beat myself up mentally about things I might have said that she could have taken the wrong way since she is as sensitive as I am. All I want is for her to speak to me again and for us to remain friends even if she doesn't want a relationship. I can accept she might not feel the same way. But I believe we could have been so good for each other.

I'm faced with the prospect of never being able to move on from her because I have the sort of mind that can't let go of anything. I've been considering hypnotherapy and drastic methods such as ECT. I have almost nobody to talk to about my problems and am unlikely to find supportive friends who understand me and have similar interests. I've been going out of my mind with worry and I'm probably making a mistake by posting this. I feel like I need to keep talking or writing about this but it's getting me nowhere. I'm agoraphobic (can only go out for walks at the moment and find interacting with people really difficult) and suffer such indecision that I can't pull myself out of my obsessional thoughts.

I just want to be able to switch off completely. I wrote a thread on here in January called "When life doesn't seem worth living" and it really doesn't now. That's not intended as a threat by the way. I just really need some help and attention which I can't get from the NHS. I've spent over six years on support sites and trying to find supportive friends or a suitable girlfriend and have left most of them as I'm constantly ignored and rejected. If I write a friendly post looking for friends for mutual support (as I did on here in January and on other sites) nobody wants to know me. I feel as though I've done something in a previous life that I'm being eternally punished for. I'm a good person who would never hurt anyone yet I know of really horrible people not fit to be called humans who have treated others appallingly and seemingly get respect!! I don't want to go down that route but life really does seem pointless when nobody wants to know me. Especially when the most special person I'd ever met seemingly dislikes me and can't bring herself to even explain why.

[Anxious_gal]

I had typed out a reply but got cut off :(

people are naturally selfish, and a lot of time people project their own issues onto others without even being aware, some people are just mean.
If your too nice people WILL walk all over you.

good friends are RARE to come by! I have one who I would trust but still not 100% trust because people are human at the end of the day.
Also people can change too with time.

acceptance: first you have to accept yourself.
acceptance with in certain social groups can be tricky, often you need to shave the same values etc...
people who let you be yourself are people you should befriend, people who accept that you have different values,morals and ideas.

Love is the world greatest motivator, it's so natural and instinctive and gets you pretty high.
Often we are totally seduced by it, we feel better, act better, gain confidence,we have this unexplainable feeling and connection with the other person.
when it ends, we feel confused,rejected, depressed.
our brains naturally want to get back to "happy" so we obsess about ways to win the person back. we wonder where we failed, where we went wrong...
The less we know about what just happened, the harder it is to gain closure.
time does instead lessen the feeling of rejection and depression but we still have to contend with loneliness, the type that can only be satisfied on an intellectuality , emotional and psychical level.

In a way you have to use the energy from all that anger to motivate and better yourself, because it's all you can do.

it's natural for everything to remind you of her, but in time these will be replaced by new memories.
I'm not saying it' easy, it's hard, but you can only control yourself.

Use this as an opportunity to get well, go get all the therapy you can get even if you think it won't work.
The best cure is therapy, support, positive thinking, a plan, future plans, hope, and really being good to yourself.

I hear you using worlds like nobody, I feel the depression is causing you to overgeneralize.
I don't mean, to be mean but your better off trying to get more in contact with the real world. Find ways you can do that, even if it's something really small like joining a book group or just going to therapy.

"Especially when the most special person I'd ever met seemingly dislikes me and can't bring herself to even explain why."
I totally understand how frustrating that is, even if she wrote you a nasty email at least you would get your closure.
but she won't contact you at all, which is totally unfair because it is stopping you from moving on.
maybe in time she might contact you but you have to face the possibility that she may never, which is hard because that possibility of "someday" gives you a bit of hope.