What Can Happen

[SADguy]

I wanted to write this topic to show what can happen if Social Anxiety goes too far. Of course, there are likely people out there who are much worse, because as the saying goes, there always are but I wanted to write this all the same to show how the end has seemingly come for me.

I got Social Anxiety Disorder when I was 12 years old. I've always thought that had I been an adult, it wouldn't have been allowed to develop as it was and maybe I wouldn't be in the position I am today.

Due to my embarrassment about the illness, I'll only say that nearly 13 years have passed since then, the last five of which I've been housebound except for the front and back gardens of my home. 13 years of my illness signifies that I've lived more than half my life with my mental illness than I had as what I call a "normal person".

For me, it seems the end has come. I've seen multiple psychologists and psychiatrists through the years and the latest of these has only recently discharged me for the final time. The reason was because I'm housebound and the local mental health psychologists insist they will not come to me. They said that unless I leave the house to get proper help with leaving the house, they can't help me and so as hard as my temporary nurse tried, she had to discharge me.

At the time of writing, I'm on my own. I have next to no qualifications because my Social Anxiety Disorder forced me out of school early. I've never worked because I can't leave the house and I have no prospect of getting anymore qualifications or having a job in the future. Add to that the fact I won't be able to have my own house, my physical health is deteriorating because the NHS don't do house visits unless you're seriously ill, I won't one day be able to have my own family and despite being in a relationship, my extreme social phobia means I can't even bare to see her face to face.

In essence, I'm now not much more than a living dead person. I have no future, but while I still breathe, while my heart still beats and I'm concious, I'm technically speaking alive.

Despite how it seems, this post wasn't really meant to be about me in the sense of the community here helping me because I can't be helped, as many NHS Psychologists and Pyschiatrists can attest.

This post is more an example, a true story of where Social Anxiety has taken me. It's ruined my life to the point there is very little left. It's broken me and denied me what some people can take for granted.

If you're just starting to experience feelings associated with Social Anxiety Disorder or you're newly diagnosed, I'd want to say don't assume my fate will be your fate. My Social Anxiety Disorder has had nearly 13 years to tighten its grip around my neck and I was a child when it started.

I genuinely wish anyone starting or continuing their battle against this horrible disorder all the luck in the world. For me, it seems, it's too late but for a lot of others, it won't be.

Thanks for reading.

[Lindy]

It is so hard to get help on the NHS and I'm very sorry to read that you've been repeatedly failed by so many different services and people. :(
It's extremely hard to believe things can change when you feel this way, and I can't imagine how being dropped by your psychiatrist feels =/ Many of your words echo how I used to feel; about being beyond help but its very seldom true. How you feel isn't necessarily how it really is. Do you have any support from family or friends?

For now you should consider what options there are:
There is another organisation called No Panic who do telephone counselling. Membership is something like £10 a year or so. There are surely other organisations who can help and I'm sure others here more knoweldgable than me can make suggestions.

As for qualifications....if you are housebound, you should consider the Open University. Get yourself a qualification whilst you are fixing you social anxiety. Doing something positive for yourself is a good place to start. You don't need to leave the house for that, and if you are not working you'll have probably finished your degree way before me ;)

I hope you manage to get the help and support you really need.

[bazbaz71]

I wonder if doctors on the NHS really understand mental health issues? Certainly GPs do not understand at all as far as I've heard, but I'm suprised that you've also been let down so badly by psychologists.

It sounds like they really have no appreciation of how severe your symptoms are.
Don't blame yourself for their failure - anxiety disorders/depression/phobias etc are every bit as real as physical disorders but don't get treated as seriously. (They wouldn't ask a patient with a broken leg to walk to hospital in order to be treated!)

Please don't give up though - I've had SA problems for 25 years and I'm still fighting it. It doesn't sound like mine is as severe as yours but the fact its got a bit better over time suggests that working at it does help. (It takes time though, it certainly isn't easy and I've sometimes felt depressed about it like you). I like some of Lindy's suggestions. Can I add that relaxation exercises help me. Most of all try to not being hard on yourself about what anxiety has cost you - that might be your starting point to recovery. It was the hardest thing for me to accept, but it means you can try to focus on the future not the past.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Barry

[shoegal]

Hi. Your post made me feel very sad. I think the way people with mental health problems are treated is disgusting. There should definitely be services that visit patients in their own homes when it's necessary. Nurses visit cancer patients at home (and quite rightly so) so why can't there be a similar service for those with severe mental health problems?

Anyway, I am housebound with agoraphobia at the moment and I also have social anxiety so please PM me if you would like someone to talk to. :flowers:

[SADguy]

The worst part of being the way I am is that you're completely alone. Your family eventually get frustrated with you and can offer you no more support or sympathy and you can't tell your girlfriend because she's normal, really busy and you wouldn't want to burden her and she wouldn't know what to say anyway.

It's hardest when you have the most to worry about. I suffer from something I call "noise", where every single thing that I'm worried about comes to the surface at once and what results is a general feeling of anxiety, anger and frustration that I tend to vocalise, hence the frustration of my family.

Human beings can only deal with one thing at a time, you know, and in my case, none of the things I'm worried about can ever be fixed and are getting worse as time goes on and of course, since I'm now completely alone in terms of support, I will only continue to deteriorate, physically and mentally.

I have it now, as it happens, the noise.............worries about pretty much everything in my life, a lot of contradictions, causes and effects, all going on at once with no way of stopping it.

Still though, as much as I appreciate what people have said, I'm really only documenting what happens to me for others to read.

The reality is that I can't be helped, the difficulty comes in what you do with that information..............how, when you've lost half your life, do you live in the knowledge that it's only going to get worse and you're completely alone when it does?

The funny thing is, deep, deep inside that seriously mentally damaged brain of mine, there's a normal person asking how the hell my life came to this.

Thank you for your messages, I've read them all.

[shoegal]

You sound like a perfectly normal person to me... a normal person suffering from anxiety!

Anxiety is a very isolating illness if you become agoraphobic or have social issues (as many of us do because we don't want people to see us at our weakest).

Do you think the 'noise' could be like unwanted thoughts? People with anxiety sometimes get thoughts they don't want or like popping into their head all the time and the more the thoughts pop into their head the more anxious they become about the thoughts (so it's a vicious circle). :wacko:

It's not true that you can't be helped. Everyone can be helped with the right support and possibly medication. I'm not saying that you can definitely make a full recovery BUT I know you could improve and have a better quality of life. The problem is getting the right support because in this country it's very difficult to get it. At least there are forums like this where we can support each other. :flowers:

My offer still stands if you would like an email/online friend with no pressures/strings attached. :)

[SADguy]

To be honest, it feels like this is the end for me, as I say. It feels like this is it and that there is genuinely nothing left to do. It's been 13 years nearly, I've lost the best part of my childhood to it and suddenly I'm an adult, how did that happen?

I've had so many psychologists and psychiatrists over the years and none of them have worked, perhaps because of my percieved lack of cooperation, which is less a lack of cooperation and more a complete lack of belief I can do anything in any way.

Some people have so much trouble understanding. They don't understand that when it gets as bad as mine, it paralyses you in the mental sense of the word and it slowly tortures you with thoughts of the things you've lost, the opportunities you'll never have, the future you'll never have and the knowledge that physical problems are only going to get worse because you can't get the NHS to care about you for love nor money.

People also don't understand the fight I went through years ago. My illness humiliated me more than most people will likely experience, and yet I fought it for years, I went through secondary school and every year got so much harder and more humiliating until I fell at the last hurdle and left in Year 10 with no qualifications whatsoever.

So I confined myself to my home and all these years later, here I still am and here I'll stay, forced to watch as my life slips away and my body deteriorates and I only got 12 years of normality.

Anyway, I didn't want this to be about me, I'm a beaten man, I really did just want to show where Social Anxiety Disorder can take you, the grip it can have over your life if it's given long enough.

[colliver25]

Hi SADguy I can really relate to your story - I became socially phobic at age 16. I am now 26 and have been pretty much housebound for those 10 years.

I went through all the therapies such as CBT (3 times), desensitization, anxiety management, occupational therapy, and have tried all the medications but nothing has worked. I am currently taking lorazepam, the so-called holy grail of anti-anxiety medications, but I am still terrified when I go out. I think when you begin suffering from anxiety at such a young age it becomes part of your personality and is much harder, if not impossible, to overcome.

I can totally relate to your situation with your girlfriend as well - it's like you have a need for people, yet can't stand to be around them. The tragedy is, as you become more agoraphobic and housebound, your dependency on others becomes greater and greater.

It's definitely a difficult situation and I've come to the conclusion that I will never recover. It is funny how much relief you can get by a little acceptance. I really wish I could give you any advice I think would be helpful.

[SADguy]

Yeah, I'm on medication too. I think it might be the weakest medication known to man, but don't quote me on that, lol

Been taking it for a month and they've just gave me another two months worth.

[colliver25]

I just take the medication on an 'as needed basis'. I eventually discontinued the anti-depressants due to the side effects.

[SADguy]

Touch wood, I haven't had any side effects from my medications yet

[colliver25]

That's cool - I had weight gain, fatigue etc. I didn't notice any benefits in terms of anxiety either. I find the lorazepam helps me with muscle tension and tension headaches, but not the feelings of fear.

[tiredzombie]

I think it'd definitely be better for anyone to tackle anxiety problems in childhood, before additional issues develop over time. Otherwise, as you've written, it can have wide-ranging impacts on all areas of your life.

It sounds like you've got pretty major agoraphobia, when you can't even stand to leave the house to get the medical care or psychological help you feel you need.

My own experience of social anxiety is less extreme. I know that at any point I can leave my house and go into town, if I really need to. I know that it will usually be uncomfortable, stressful, and leave me feeling lousy about myself. And most of the time I choose to avoid that, which brings it's own problems. I have been largely housebound for the last 4 years. But I know that if I needed medical care or thought a course of therapy was likely to work, I could take a couple of hours a week of the stress.

I'd be interested to know what goes through your mind when you think about leaving the house, although I understand if you don't want to discuss it.

For me I think it's largely a fear that people I encounter while I'm out will judge me negatively, because of something inappropriate in my speech/actions/appearance/facial expression, and I will pick up on this disapproval, and this will then reinforce my own poor opinion of myself. I'm constantly subconsciously looking for clues in the way people behave around me, analysing what they say and the way they look at me, searching for any sign of dislike. So in essence it's about my own low self esteem. I'm fundamentally insecure in myself, and so I look to the small talk and facial expressions of total strangers to define me, desperate for reassurance yet rarely finding it.

The only times when anxiety doesn't trouble me seem to be on the rare occasions when I can convince myself that I'm no worse a person (morally speaking) than everyone else. That I'm just trying to deal with the life I've been given, trying to do my best, and making plenty of awful mistakes as I go, but never with the desire to harm anyone, (including myself) and that my anxiety is part of that. If deep down inside there is a part of you that is fundamentally ok, then all you need to do is realise that, and hang on to it. But unfortunately for me, my inner critic is incredibly persuasive!

Anyway, I'd be interested to know what your experience of the actual social anxiety is, though as I say I understand if you don't want to go into it.

[SADguy]

I can't really go into it in all honesty and I can't really talk much right now. Trying to keep my mind off my horrible life, cos I'm in that kind of mood where I feel like things are going to go down hill if I don't distract myself

[shoegal]

I would just like to tell you that after some severe panic attacks and me saying some unfortunate things in a moment of despair to my poor sister (:blush:) I am now under the care of the Crisis Team who have been great. They told me that they have a patient who has been housebound with severe agoraphobia and social phobia for more than 10 years and that it has taken them more than 2 months to encourage him to open his curtains. They told me that although his condition is severe he is making progress every day and is recovering slowly. I am telling you this because if you get the right help and support you too can get better. I'm not saying that you will suddenly become a totally new person with no problems at all, but with guidance and support from people who know what they are doing (and who have seen it all before, and worse) you can take small steps to improve your life. Please don't give up. I know you can make small changes that will improve your life in the long run. Stay strong and ask to be referred to your local Mental Health Crisis Team. :flowers:

[SADguy]

I appreciate the advice and it does sound like that person you mentioned is worse than me, which is fair enough. Having said that, I gave up a long time ago, I was beaten down and I just don't have the ability to fight anymore.

I confined myself to my home and that's the end of it, yet I have a part of my mind that is like anyone else and that part is going to be tortured till the day I die, likely in this house and extremely scarily, in at least 30 years time.

I just don't have anything left to give, and yet, I'm so furious about how my life has turned out, the frustration of being the way I am and I can't believe I'm still talking about myself, I didn't want to as I can't be helped and I have nothing to live for.

To be honest, I should just stop replying to this thread. This site is for people that need help, not for people who can't be helped and just complain all the time.

[Nicky32]

SA kills your social life..Agoraphobia when I had that bad I never left the house for over a year I wouldn't even sit at the front door. I had the curtains closed and just played games all day and I smoked at the time so got into bad health plus I never knew what panic attacks were I just thought I was going insane and didn't want to let anyone in my life. I missed so many years of my 20's It can make me sad thinking about it now.

So dude that is one story of what can happen to a person. When I look back...Social Anxiety with no understanding of what's going on with you can lead to Agoraphobia, withdrawal from people and create other phobias. Don't shy away from going to the Dr or some mental health worker, get it sorted before it gets out of hand.