Anxiety which is slowly pushing me back into depression

[ZoWeeMcfly]

I suffered from depression about 2 years ago, this was not anxiety related (as far as I know, it may have had some impact though), but it had a major effect on my life. I lost alot of friends, self harmed, grew apart from family and school performance dropped. This was all because of relationship troubles. I got out of this depression with help from my former girlfriend (we were together at the time), she was great and I never had to feel alone. earlier this year I broke up with her, for a guy, whom I really liked. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I had a low week, then a high week, now I'm in limbo. I no longer have feelings for him, but I feel terrible lonely, especially because my bestfriend has just got a new boyf, and theyre SO happy together. I feel all alone, even when I've got my friends around me. I have feelings for a guy, but I do not want too do anything about it because of the state I am in. I have good days, and bad days. Days where I think I have a good life, and days where I feel alone and wonder what is the point iin life (no suicidal thoughts though, but I never had any during my depression either) It's taking lots o fmy energy not to self harm again, I want to make my emotional pain and stress go away.
It's also exam time, I'm taking my GCSE's and it's so stressful, I'm sure I dont have to explain this. I'm just finding it really hard to get motivation to revise because of my anxiety/depression.
I am not worried about my anxiety affecting me in my exams, because there are arrangements being made for me incase I panic, after I had an anxiety attack at school.

I am going for my first session with a mental health specialist on Tuesday, and I'm hoping that they will help with my anxiety disorder, and that this will make the depression go away, because I think they may be linked.

I don't know what I want to gain from posting thiis, I need a rant, and I need advice/opinions as I'm at a loose end. Everything is getting to me.

Also.
cadets is pissing me off, as people are complete idiots and staff are already taking over what is meant to be a cadet event. I also feel inadequate in my rank
I have too much work to do for EVERYTHING. I feel that I took on too much because so much was/is expected of me.
I am unhappy with my weight, I do zumba class every week and I thought it was meant to make you feel good, but it does for the night, then the next day, I'm like this again.
I eat too much. revision food, comfort food, food for the hell of it.
My mum's birthday and 9 year anniversary of when she died is coming up.
My ex wants me back. I dont want her
The girl that pushed me into depression is back to her old tricks
I really really like this guy. But I cant tell him
I want to do really well in exams
I cannot find any work experience
My emetophobia has turned into a full blown anxiety disorder. I had an anxiety attack in school, which was due to a mix of, emetophobia, chlostrophobia, fear of heights and exam worry, all packed into one and it's controlling my life.

Peace, love and anxiety
Zowee..

[anxious eddy]

ah zowee i can understand how your feeliong, you sure have a lot going on at the moment and i think you are stressed rather than depressed . i must congratulate you on taking the step to post how you feel as i know when im stressed just writing it and getting it out of me helps, you certainly seem like your on the right path and if you can make it to your counsellor on tuesday without self harming you should be proud of yourself, im a lot older than you but i know that i haeve highs and lows and when my stress levels are high im at the end of my tether and things look bleak ,its then a case of either seeing my doctor or giving myself time to relax and not worry about things too much. It sounds pretty much like your looking ahead solely by having the school make alternative arrangements for your exams, a lot of teenagers get the same feelings during exam time.your still young and i think not having a boyfriend shouldnt be an issue at the moment you need time for you and whats to say if you had one it wouldnt complicate things more. i hope ive helped just a little but i hope you feel good again soon ..you should feel good about yourself you have overcome it before and you will again:yesyes:

[ZoWeeMcfly]

Thanks for your post Eddy, you've made me feel alot better
It's nice just to know that someone actually understands where I'm coming from and doesn't think I'm being a complete drama queen like lots of people do. I've even had people say I do it for attention, why would someone put themselves through anxiety problems and stress/depression for attention.
And it's not very likely that I'll self-harm, I promised my best friend a long time ago that I would never do it again, and she means alot to me and she is the only thing stopping me from doing it, the thoughts always just there at the back of my mind, because i know it will temporarily make me feel better.
I just wish Tuesday would hurry up, because I want to get this sorted out..