waiting for the day..

[killingmeslowly]

howdies,

after being very successful in my career i found myself drowning in anxiety and panic. i lost everything. everything. my job, career, finance, car, house, belongings, friends, partner and son.

this was almost six years ago but there's still nothing you can do to harm me further.

for those interested, my own experience can be found at www.killingmeslowly.com but it isn't happy reading (and, please note, uses bad language and very distressing descriptions.)

i'm still amazed how one can fall from executive to, basically, a carcass - a life as a horror film but forever on pause.

i look forward to meeting you all soon, in the mean-time, i hope nothing harms you today. be good to yourselves.

dai.

[ashley]

Dai--hiya and welcome to no panic.. everyone is really nice and sweet and honest on here..so i hope you find some peace here.

What a terrible experince to have happened to you, your whole life turned upside down, my god you must be so hurt, torn,bitter, and sick to the core.

In no way could i under estimate,your situation, or even begin to feel what you are feeling due to the circumstances...but that does not mean that your life should be over,or that you should give in to a world full of doom, gloom and negitive thinking..
You are still a person, a person who's heart beats every day..you have a life and you can turn this around..you.. even though you have had many knock-backs YOU yourself can do this.

Some awful things have happened to me, bad horror things have happened to me, i can tell you.. and theres many other people that are in the same situation, and far worse....
but ..and theres a but.. do you really want to feel like this forever NO who does and the only way that you can feel better, is by helping yourself..you seem like an upfrount kinda person.. you seem to not mix your words.. so i approach you ,the way you properley would approach me..upfrount.

I do feel for you sweetheart, thats heavy stuff you have had to go through there, but you can change this around... you can and only you can..

Your topic heading states waiting for the day ..what are you waiting for?

You can change this around love, you can ..


ashley xxxx

[killingmeslowly]

hello ashley,

thank's for the reply. everyone seems nice here and i'm amazed i haven't discovered this place previously as i used to be an administrator for www.paxilprogress.org so kept an eye on such sites.

my apologies about not explaining 'waiting for the day' further, i forgot to! it is basically a reference to my site in which i state i'm just waiting for the day that i die. grim, i know, but it's something us sufferers occasionally face.

another aspect of it all is reading the bio's of other members here and feeling ashamed because they've experienced far worse than i. an endless spiral of self-indulgence and pity i face.

not all is lost though. i have two beautiful daughters and an (absent) son, plus another baby on the way anytime now. it's these that make me special and material gains are nothing in comparrison. my children are simply magical. :o)

[weepinky]

Hi there Dai

I just wanted to say that I am increadibly touched by your story and couldnt begin to understand how that must have been for you. What came to my mind on reading was just how different we all see things - what you say is left is a carcass yet what I see is an amazingly brave, honest and open person (three invaluable traits).

I'm sure you will soon find you have a lot to offer the world and get the same in return. This site has helped me soooo much and I hope you will find the same hun

Take Care


Love Pinky

[ashley]

hiya dai
You see you have 2 beautiful daughters.and one on the way. and yes an absent son maybe ..but a son that wont always be absent..
You say waiting for the day, and i thought as much that at times you feel like dying.. some of us do..i included love.. i guess we wait for the day from the day that we are born..but really that should be gods descion and not ours(tempting though).
Ive had anxiety/panic/depression for 20 odd years now, and a masif history of abused/ and violent relationships..and i have had some nasty nasty things happen to me..even in between that,ive no car, no money, no clothes really, any money i do have i give to my kids.. i never go anywhere because of the way i feel, and even if i wanted to i cant through no money all the time...i live with nothink`..i dont even think i will be able to stay online anymore.. because i cant afford to pay my ntl bill...it all breaks my heart i want to end it too at times..
But you have those children who love you..a new life on the way and you have your son..who wont be gone forever..
I know its hard and im right there with ya..but wait for the day in the right way and not the wrong.

Your love it here though ..and you will get through this crap love ya will..


ashley xx

[nomorepanic]

Dai

Welcome aboard and I will take a look at your site.

Nicola

[Alexandra]

Hi Dai,

Welcome to the forum.

You will find lots of help & support on here.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[skye338]

Hiya....welcome aboard!

I have visited you site and felt of your anguish :-( I have lost alot too because of this illness and I know how it feels.

Your not alone in this struggle x

Accept the things you cannot change and have courage to change the things you can.

[jackie]

i hope we can really help you see that life is worth it no matter what it sometimes throws at you

you are not alone anymore if you have felt so in the past

jackie

[killingmeslowly]

thank you peeps, you've all been so very kind :)

[jackie]

just read your story. how were so many people so void of compassion with what you went through and go through every day? i just cant imagine how no one could see how much you were suffering. how could your wee son be taken away. you poor thing

can i ask you a question. i have suffered health related anxiety for nearly 5 years. during this time i have suffered night sweat son and off. but i had a kidney infection last week and i can t stop sweating during the day. along with terrible chest pains and nausea i think i now have a real heart problem. but i notice you mentionb "perfuse sweating" i s this then perhaps a symptom i have never had before? i just keep thinking im dying and no one is able to convince me otherwise at the minute, but this sweating you talk of does mine sound similar

thanks

jackie

[hunny_as]

hello hope you find this place as good as i have you wil make lots of new friends here.

amanda xx

dont worry about today, for today was the tomorrow you worried about yeaterday

[killingmeslowly]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">just read your story. how were so many people so void of compassion with what you went through and go through every day? i just cant imagine how no one could see how much you were suffering. how could your wee son be taken away. you poor thing

can i ask you a question. i have suffered health related anxiety for nearly 5 years. during this time i have suffered night sweat son and off. but i had a kidney infection last week and i can t stop sweating during the day. along with terrible chest pains and nausea i think i now have a real heart problem. but i notice you mentionb "perfuse sweating" i s this then perhaps a symptom i have never had before? i just keep thinking im dying and no one is able to convince me otherwise at the minute, but this sweating you talk of does mine sound similar

thanks

jackie

<div align="right">Originally posted by jackie - 18 April 2006 : 15:50:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">


howdies jackie,

no, i don't think it's the same symptom actually. the sweating i was referring to happens during panic attacks and not just generally. although i find that, if i'm tired more than usual and have to sleep during the day then i can awake simply due to being bathed in sweat (legs, chest and back.) yet i feel this isn't a symptom of anxiety but just my mad body! [:o)]

[tnt808]

You've been through the ringer and the amazing thing is you are here to tell us about it in all it's glory, it shows what a strong person you are. Sure, you didn't make it unscathed but you are still here, I admire that a lot.
Best of luck to you and hope you find this site of help to you.

Tina

[killingmeslowly]

i think it's quite incredible what human's can survive. the very, very bad dark days i don't recall - seemingly one's mind just blanks out the horror.

of course some have suffered worse individual situations than others but there's no rating system when it comes to anxiety and panic - we all experience the same awful terror of an attack or just extreme worry.


i visited my ex-company's web-site this weekend. what a mistake, it just makes me feel i want to cry - people moving on with their lives because they don't speak up or, usually, just kiss butt. that won't upset me normally but it's 2am, everyone is asleep, i'm here looking after the kids whilst my wife has to give birth by herself in the city. sometimes i look up at the stars and think i'm the loniest person on earth, the loniest there ever was.

and then what if my babies get this?..