My anxiety diary.....

[venusbluejeans]

I have been suffering with anxiety for years. back in 2004 I found my dad dead on our kitchen floor, which really set off a bad attack (not sure anyone could not be affected by that really) but I am sure my anxiety has been going on for longer since secondry school days, because looking back i used to have the same feelings that I am having now but was not able to put a name to it.
for the last month I have been having the old symptoms back again the foggy head and the feeling of not being here and also the panic attacks and the feeling dizzy etc.....
what really bothers me is the feeling of me being in an 'alien world' where I am here and everything seems really alien to me really panics me. as the feeling is ALL the time and of course panicing just makes the feeling worse.
this last Sunday would have been my dads birthday and he also died at the end of May so that may explain some of it this time but this has been going on for at least a month so i think there is more to it.

I seem to have a big fear of being alone, at the minute I can not do anything alone, struggling to drive and can only drive if someone is there, petrified of being alone in the house.....
my Mum took lots of time some time off work to be with me and the symptoms subsided to a certain extent but now she has had to go back to work the symptoms have come back with a thump....
Would love to just be able to get in my car and go for a drive alone but that petrifys me.
before this all sterted I had joined the gym (I am 17 stone) and my life was looking up as I was enjopying going to 3 gym classes a week plus going to the gym other times a week....... maybe this was too much exercise all in one go as I did not really exercise before hand. but I can not even go there at the minute because of the 'alien world' feeling...

the dr put me on Prozac whic really made all the symptoms unbearable so I came off those after taking them for 4 days..... currently I take 3 propranalol a day and 2 valium.. which does seem to help but not so much when I am alone and panicking....
I have had blood tests for my thyroid and they have come back ok so it is not that that is causing it

I have so much too look forward to (on holiday next week, I have to drive!!)but I just can not look forward to them at the minute because how I am feeling....

I have started an anxiety diary and thought it would help me to share it....... The diary starts on the first day my Mum went back to work aprox 3 weeks after the anxiety started again....

[venusbluejeans]

Ok just read back through and it appears that the spell checker has changed Valium to velium oooppps!!!

Day 1.......

first day my mum was back at work, woke up 1am in a panic, and feeling 'not there' try to settle back again but the sense of 'not there' too overwhelming, so was sick....... ended up in my mums bed playing ds trying to settle so she can go to work..... Took a propranalol at 7.30 am and sort of relaxed and made the mistake of hiding in my bed till 1pm dozing on and off and playing my DS......taking a Valum at 11am.
Got up and felt the familiar 'not there' feeling. I hate it, I am sure that if that feeling was not there then, my Nephew was watching TV which made it worse as at the minute I cannot concentrate on the TV and it all gets jumbled and makes my head worse.
Panicking I went round to my next door neighbour who is a great help to me as she has been/still is going through it too. Took another Propranalol at 2pm while net door and talked things through, had a cry with her and told her my worries about not being able to cope while my mum was at work. Felt ok at time and other times felt really panicky. Sat round with her for 3 hours and spoke a lot. And it helped to put it into words. And to just get a bit of support. I took another Velum while I was round there 4pm ish which calmed me down a little. Decided to try to walk her dogs with her so went to get dressed properly and then went with her to walk the dogs around the village/field.
When we came back felt a bit more positive and decided to do the washing up and also sort out tea for us all.....and take my last propranalol.
Annoyed with myself that I was unable to drive to pick my mum up, pissed off that I cannot just get in the car and drive at the minute. And really annoyed that when I got back from picking my mum up (next door neighbour drove) and sobbed at the relief of having her back in the house and the sheer effort to cope while she was not. And felt awful and dizzy for another hour till I calmed.
Going on holiday two weeks tomorrow and I am desperate to be able to drive on holiday as I am the only driver. And not to spoil it for everyone by not driving and being like I am at the minute.

Bad points

Stayed in bed till 1pm
Not able to drive
Cried when mum came home
Cried next door
Found it very hard to cope

Good points

Coped all day
Took dogs for a walk
Cooked tea
Washed up
Went to pick my mum up (not driving)
Talked a lot through

Aims for tomorrow....

Get up earlier
Find it a little easier to cope
Take dogs for a walk
Make tea
Take nephew home
Not to cry in the eve

Day 2......

Went to bed about half eleven and slept well for me (compared to what I have been doing)..... Woke up once (I think, but may not have done) then woke up at 6.30am just before my Mum went to work. Felt panicky but not too bad but made the conscious decision to go back to bed instead of downstairs. Played on my ds till fell asleep and woke up again at 9.30am. Then 'hid' in bed till 1pm again. But was relatively calm and even had the television on in the background while lying in bed. Annoyed that I did not manage to get up earlier but happy that I did not go down at 6.30am.
Got up and could not find my velum so looked but got increasingly panicky because I could not find them, asked my brother if he had seen them but he hadn't and then he went back upstairs to his room, annoyed that he did not stay to help me look as I was panicky.
The sun keeps going in and out which is making my head feel a lot worse when it goes from bright to dark. But not feeling too panicky at the minute.
2.45pm.. first time in ages that I have looked at the clock and thought wow look at the time already rather than 'OMG is that all the time is' head still panicky though. Aiming to take next doors dogs for a walk in an hour, will be a challenge today as the sun keeps going in and out but I am determined to achieve it.
Tidied the kitchen and also my computer desk and also sorted the recycling..
Took Propranalol at 3.30pm and Took the dogs for a walk With Will and Rose at 4pm. Felt panicky and 'not there' but managed it.as much as I want to pick my mum up from work I think it maybe a little much for me today as I think I have achieved quite a bit already and I do not want to do 'too much' all in one day. Took valium at half 5.
After taking the dogs for a walk my head felt heavy and dizzy (will was watching TV), cooked will his tea but my head still was dizzy and heavy, maybe because will was still watching the TV in the same room.
Need to sort out tea for my mum getting back and also put the hot water on so I can have a bath later. Took last propranalol at 8pm
Had a bath and washed and dried my hair then went to bed about half quarter to 12

Good points....
Did not disturb my Mum before she went to work
Slept well
Not clock watching so much
Tidied Kitchen
Cleaned Computer desk
Sorted recycling
Sat in the same room with the TV on for 2 hours
Walked the dogs
Sorted tea

Bad points.....
Stayed in bed again.
Panicked because I could not find my pills

Aims for tomorrow...
Get up earlier
Drive to pick my mum up




Day 3.......

I think I may have had my first uninterrupted sleep for a few weeks, cannot remember waking up all night until 9am took propranalol at 9am and played ds in bed.... postwoman knocked with parcel at 11 so got up to answer that and stayed up. Should have got up at 9.30 when I awoke but didn't. But compared to hiding in bed till 1pm I think it is an achievement. Now 25 to 12 and I have not taken valium yet as I have not felt so panicky yet even though I thought I would be as Rose is not next door. Put a load of washing on with clothes for holiday, will hang them out when done.
Hang the washing out and went and sat in the garden as Rose had home and she was doing her gardening. Watered our plants and cleaned out our green bin, took the dogs for a walk and then drove to pick up my mum with rose.
Cooked tea and listed things on EBay

Good points......

Full night’s sleep
Got up earlier
Not panicking when got up
Drove to pick Mum up
Watered plants
Hung washing out stayed outside for a couple of hours
Walked the dog

Bad points

Aims
Get up early again
Drive to pick mum up

Day 4....

Full night’s sleep again. Woke up and took propranalol played DS and 'hid' again till 12.30pm but did answer the door to the postwoman and let next doors dogs out at 11
Took a valium and put a load of washing in and had lunch. But now feeling really panicky for some reason probably because rose is not next dooring to go and see.
Need to hang the washing out but not sure if I can at the moment........1/2 hour later washing is out and another load in the washed. Next load of washing on the line, and taken Propranalol at 3.30pm because of fuzzy panicky head.....
Removed Tick from next doors dog and been writing listings on eBay to be listed tonight.

Good day.......

Day 5, 6, 7 good days Mum home wish I had kept my anxiety diary for these days too but was having good days so did not really think about doing it. Need to complete diary even on good days too...
Started feeling panicky when I went into town on the Friday, was going to head home but ended up carrying on and my head finally got over the panicking feeling and carried on with my day

Day 8
Dad’s birthday. Took flowers to grave and came back feeling a bit panicky had a roast dinner and then had trouble sleeping, did not get to sleep till after half 2 and then the smoke alarms woke me up at 4am. Took pills at normal times. Felt panicky in the evening as I knew my mum was back at work the next day.

Day 9……

After being woken up by the smoke alarm did not really sleep again just dozed as I was a bit panicky maybe because my mum was going back to work, well that on top of it being my Dads birthday yesterday and thinking of that….. Woke up and kind of hid in bed again. Opened the door to the post woman to get a parcel but headed back to my bed to hide. Took propranalol at about 9am and a valium at 1pm…. Came downstairs just before 1pm and felt panicky as my mum was not there…… tough afternoon felt panic and teary (because I was panicking) all afternoon. Television on and off when Chris came down to watch it. Fetched the washing in as it was blowing off the line but felt like outside was an ‘alien world’
Spoke to Sam over Facebook about things, and it felt good to get things of my chest to someone different. And thought about why I do not like being alone. Thought it may be to do with me being alone when I found my Dad
Worried how I am going to get my Mum home from work as at the minute I am really not up to driving. Feeling hungry but really cannot be bothered to make myself anything. So will stay hungry. Need to think about something for tea though. Beef slices in the fridge and tomatoes in their too so I guess it will be beef and tomatoes
Went with Rose to pick my mum up and went to Tesco, Came back and made tea, annoyed that Chris was only just getting the grill out after he had been asked to sort tea while we were out, he asked a question and disappeared upstairs leaving us to make tea!!
Felt really panicky after tea and had a big ‘flip’ felt like I was not there and I was in an Alien World. Did relax in the end though but still had the ‘alien world’ feeling when I went to bed. Went to bed about half 11 played

Good points….
Answered the door to the post woman
Fetched the washing in
Calmed done eventually
Made tea.

Bad points…..
Panicked most of the day
Had a big panic in the evening when my mum came home

Aims for tomorrow….

Get up earlier
Try to panic less.
Make tea in slow cooker

Day 10…..

Full night sleep (I think) took a propranalol at 10ish woke up and did not feel too bad eventually got up at 11.50 opened my curtains. Came down stairs and put the kettle on and made chamomile tea and cut up all the veggies to put in the slow cooker for tea. Sorted tea out and put it on to cook.
Put my computer on to find it being arsey so started it running a scan.
Heard Rose let the dogs out so went next door to say hello to Rose and the dogs. Came home again and sat writing this with the ‘alien world’ feeling in my head,
Sun keeps going in and out which is making my head worse need to have a word with the Doctor about that when I see him tomorrow as not sure if it could be a problem with my eyes causing it.
Hoping the weather holds out to go next door to help in the back garden cutting down nettled but looking cloudy at the minute.
Good points.
Got up earlier (not much earlier but a bit is better than nothing)
Cut up all the veggies and put on tea

Bad points
Still hiding in bed

Aims for tomorrow
Get up earlier

[venusbluejeans]

If anyone has any tips on how to improve my diary so I get the most out of writing one I would be glad to hear them, many thanks.....

[KayleighJane]

Hello thank for posting that it was interesting to read and see how someone else is getting on, I have started writing things down recently and it helps but I wouldn't have the guts to post it on here so good on ya for that and keep it up :) don't think anything needs improving because its just an account of your thoughts and whats gone on in your day so you write it however you think is the right way to do so x

[venusbluejeans]

Thanks Kjane. I was thinking to keep posting it into the thread mainly for me to keep up the diary and also to share it with others who may be going through the same...Hoping may be able to keep it up for a while until I am feeling 'normal' again..... which I know will happen as it always has after all the other 'flare ups' that I have had in the past. x

just finished todays diary and happy to say that thier were a lot more positives than negatives today. :)

[venusbluejeans]

Day 10…..

Full night sleep (I think) took a propranalol at 10ish woke up and did not feel too bad eventually got up at 11.50 opened my curtains. Came down stairs and put the kettle on and made chamomile tea and cut up all the veggies to put in the slow cooker for tea. Sorted tea out and put it on to cook.
Put my computer on to find it being arsey so started it running a scan.
Heard Rose let the dogs out so went next door to say hello to Rose and the dogs. Came home again and sat writing this with the ‘alien world’ feeling in my head,
Sun keeps going in and out which is making my head worse need to have a word with the Doctor about that when I see him tomorrow as not sure if it could be a problem with my eyes causing it.
Hoping the weather holds out to go next door to help in the back garden cutting down nettled but looking cloudy at the minute
Spent the afternoon in the garden next door using the strimmer, cutting down tree branches so we could put up another bit of fencing to stop the chickens and ducks going through to the other next door neighbours. A fruitful and successful afternoon work and we go a lot done…
Took the dogs for a walk but felt awful as my head was feeling ‘not there’ and the alien world came back, but I finished the walk which was a big achievement for how I was feeling weather was really heavy and humid which gave me a headache which I think did not help how my head was feeling . Went with rose to pick up my Mum as my head really was not with it…. Came home and ate my tea headache still there and head not really feeling with it. But coped

Took pills at normal times…..Propranalol 10am 3.30pm and 8pm and Valium at 12.30pm and 5.30

Good points.
Got up earlier (not much earlier but a bit is better than nothing)
Cut up all the veggies and put on tea
LOTS of gardening next door
Took the dogs for a walk even though I felt awful
Coped all day

Bad points
Still hiding in bed
Felt awful when taking dogs…. But took them anyway J so not really a bad point
Still not driving.

Aims for tomorrow
Get up earlier
Drive to doctor appointment and to pick up my mum

[KayleighJane]

well done again, keep up the good work, any positives are all good in my book. keep posting as it will be nice to hear how your getting on, I have been suffering with anxiety/panic attacks since january and have only recently started driving again even though I dont feel greath whilst doing it its a small step, I don't go far just to my mums and work mainly but soon enough you will build up the courage and do the same, don't be so hard on yourself about it as you will get there eventually I'm sure x

[venusbluejeans]

Thanks kjane x


Day 11

Full night sleep again, woke up at 10 past 7 and then went back to sleep, woke up again about 10am and hid in bed till about 11 as I was panicking a bit. Packed mostly of my stuff for holiday….sat at my computer for a bit and then went round to next door to say hello to Rose as she had let the dogs out, came back and wrapped some parcels that I sold on ebay then went back next door for a cup of tea and to weigh my parcels as the scales are next door. Printed postage labels off and sat next door for a bit, came back round home at 3pm feeling a little panicky as I have a Drs Appointment this afternoon. Have taken a propranalol at about 10am and a Valium at 12pm. Went to go get something out of my car and did something I had not done for a long time….. got in it and DROVE ALONE, it is the first thing I have done alone for about a month so very proud of myself.
Rose drove to drs appointment though, where he told me to keep doing what I was doing and take little steps rather than huge ones. And was refferred to a councillor so we shall see what happens on that account. Went to the bank alone then actually went into tesco to do a bit of shopping alone and actually found myself perusing the shelves rather than just wanting ti get out of there as quick as possible. Went to pick my mum up with rose straight after and came home and felt not to bad, had some parcels to pack for ebay but had forgotten to get sellotape so went up to the shop to get some. Good day J

Good points…
Got up earlier
Wrapped and sorted eBay parcels
Packed holiday things
Went to tesco alone
Drove alone
Drove again later went into the drs alone
Went to the bank alone

Bad points
Still feeling ‘not there’ but coped with it so not really a bad point

Aims for tomorrow…..
Get up earlier

[venusbluejeans]

Day 12…….
Woke up at 6.30 but went to the toilet and then went back to bed and fell asleep till ten….. then got up at 10.15am the earliest for ages….. took a propranalol and then packed a couple more ebay parcels……then drove alone up to the next village to the post office to post them.
Spent some time on my computer and then did some washing and put it in the tumble drier. Felt a bit rough but nothing like I have been doing…so took a valium. Went next door later on to take some photos for ebay as Rose has a mannequin and I want to sell some clothes, had a cup of tea with rose and sat and talked to her for a bit….. was going to go with Rose to pick up my mum bud decided to do it alone J and managed it and coped well. J J stopped off at the chip shop too and took a game back to Blockbusters…. Then pressed the wrong button and thought I had deleted all my diary, but sorted it and got it back.

Good points….

Got up earlier
Took ebay pictures
Drove to post office
Drove alone to pick my Mum up
Sorted computer

Bad points

NONE J JJJJJJJJJJ

Aims for tomorrow

Get up earlier

[KayleighJane]

well done :D you've done so good especially with the driving thing, keep it up and your right to be proud of yourself as its a big achievement :yesyes: x

[honeyp1e]

Hi its was good to read through your post some of what your going through and feeling is the same as me No1`i hate bein alone i have either my mum or dad with me everyday & night otherwise if they go i go into total panic i hate the fact i have to depend on one of them 24/7 i don't no why i have to depend on one of my parents as i have a partner & children but i only feel comfortable with my mum or dad even though the panic is just the same no matter who am with (weird :wacko:) but its just the way i feel.. a, worse first thing in morning or late at night am not so bad through the day as am busy with the kids but once there in school or asleep my anxiety starts off.. i used to write everything down each night about what i have done and how i was feeling but i found sometimes this made me worse so i only write now and then mainly on my bad days x x
your doing well so keep it up we will get there in the end its just horrible we have to go through all this x x

[venusbluejeans]

Day 13……..

Mum home, got up at 10.30 am and had a drink and headed to Spalding with my mum to visit my Picked William up on the way Nan felt bad and dizzy while driving but continued to my Nans but struggling driving in the stationary traffic…..did not stop at my Nans for long as I was panicking. Tried to keep out of the middle if town on the way home so my mum took me home a different way and it really panicked me as it turned out to be the long route round.. Got most of the way home and had to stop as I was panicking too much. Had to call my neighbour to bring my brother to my car to drive home…… but by the time they got there I had calmed down and was able to drive home but still in a panic.
But later on drove in the car again to go to get a Chinese takeaway. But still panic but got there and back
Calmed down later in the day and had a full night’s sleep

Day 14….
Woke up panicking as it was day before the holiday and sobbing in a panic about driving, and decided that I was not fit to drive to holiday the next day… tried to drive a bit late and got and drove a bit but then had to give up and let my brother drive…..panicky for the rest of the day but calmed down towards the end of the day.




Day 15……
Felt nervous when I got up as I was going on holiday, laid in bed for a little bit but the phone rang and it was the drs asking me to make an appointment about some blood tests that I had already been told were clear… so that really worried about that but my mum rang up and got the dr to ring me back, and it turned out he forgot to talk to me about my tests and wanted to second check something about my steroid level. Which did not help my panic level…..
Taxi arrived at 10pm and I was feeling sick and coughing and spluttering and panicking….. Went in the taxi and had a reasonably calm journey apart from a few panics so had to take a pill. Helped that we had a friendly taxi driver. Got to Skegness and went for a walk and then ate half a bowl of cheesy chips. After that had a bit of a panic as I had to wait for a couple of hours to get the key to the caravan. So kind of not got anywhere to panic alone……took a pill and then was able to carry on and calm day to go to the amusements… and even go alone to queue to check in… which is good as I do not like that sort of situation.. Got the keys to caravan and lugged the entire luggage to the caravan and then went on the bus to Tesco. Panicky and dizzy all the way round but coped and went back by taxi. Felt better and cooked myself a bowl of pasta and sauce. And a rice pudding for tea. And kept calm for the evening

Day 16
Ad a full night’s sleep in the caravan and got up at 10amish my mum and Nan had gone to the shop so I was alone. Did not really panic but was glad to see them come home. Mum phoned a taxi and we walked down to the entrance but the taxi did not turn up so I was panicking a little my mum rang them again and it turned out that a message had not been passed on but the taxi was on its way.
Got to Skegness and was ok, went to a few shops and then went for Lunch but felt sick after because I was panicking a little and then felt sicker because I was panicking and panicking more because I was feeling sick etc. feeling really dizzy. So went to the public toilets and was sick. Then took propranalol still felt dizzy and was tempted to ask if we could go back to the caravan. But carried on and went around the shops and bought some shoes for going to Bjorn again in June. And went for a walk up the shops with my mum and then went to the amusements for an hour or so, then went back to the caravan by taxi and then calmed down and went for a walk with my mum.
Took 3 x propranalol and 2 x Valium.

Day 17….
Got up at 8.30am earliest for weeks and got dressed and went with my mum to the shop without taking any pills beforehand felt ok and when I got back felt ok and then took a pill. Took a Valium before I went out on the bus to Chapel St Leonards via Skegness and went to a few shops and walked up to the beach ALONE while my mum and Nan went to the amusements. Took several photos and walked back to the amusements and stayed there playing on the games for another hour. Took the bus back to Skegness and then to the caravan….. went straight to having tea a large carvery tea. While my Mum walked my nan back to the caravan I then went to the reception to get our key that we left there for the maintenance men to fix the fridge door (was not shutting properly) got there just as they were going to lock up so lucky I did not go any later, walked back to the caravan alone and tidied up while waiting for mum and nan to get there. Made a cup of tea and had my ‘free pudding ‘ from the carvery chocolate fudge cake (bought our pudding home as it was free and we were full) then watched the TV for an hour had a shower and then watched another few hours of TV while playing a game on the laptop and writing my diary……
GOOD DAY AND TO TOP IT I ONLY HAD TO TAKE 1 VALIUM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2 WEEKS  

Day 18…….

Went to bed feeling dizzy last night but woke up feeling ok, and got up the earliest that I have done for a long time 8.15am, woke up chilly and got half-dressed (well it was too early to get dressed and I was chilly J )and sat having a cup of chamomile under the duvet on the seats and played the Wii, Had breakfast and sat for a while and then took a propranalol not feeling at all panicky really….plans for the day, take a bus up into town and then to Ingoldmells to look round there and the market. Took the bus to the market and walked around the market with only a little bit of a panic. Bought some things I needed (and some things I didn’t) stood in an arcade for a while and was not panicking, and then went for lunch /tea. Walked around some more and went into more shops without panicing. Took the bus back to the caravan and did some packing. Had tea and a bit later went for a walk to the arcade on camp and had a couple of hours in there and sat at the bar and had a soft drink. Walked back to the caravan and finished packing for home tomorrow L

And only took 1 valium again J

Day 19……

Woke up at 7.30 am and needed to get up as the taxi was coming at 9am but stayed in bed for a bit as all the packing was done…. Walked to the shop to meet the taxi and to get him to drive to the caravan to pick up the bags…… was not panicking at all really J got home about 11am with a panic free journey. But after about half An hour at home started to panic a bit, not sure why……
Drove in to town as we needed to do some food shopping..felt dizzy and panicky all the way but did it J
Unpacked the shopping and had a just about panic free evening until going to bed.
Only one valium again J J


Day 20…… woke up and my clock said it was 10am so got up and went to the bathroom and went to the toilet and noticed the clock said it was 8am so confused went to my room turned the tv on and it was only 8am as I had not set my clock up. So got back in bed and went back to sleep…. Ended getting up at 11am and took a propranalol as I was feeling rough….
Sat at my computer for a bit catching up on a few things. Had lunch and then drove again into town to tesco again with my brother in the car, felt less dizzy than before and walked around tesco without panic. Made tea salmon fish cakes potatoes and stuffed peppers.. yummy. Watched tv while on the Laptop

[venusbluejeans]

Day 13……..

Mum home, got up at 10.30 am and had a drink and headed to Spalding with my mum to visit my Picked William up on the way Nan felt bad and dizzy while driving but continued to my Nans but struggling driving in the stationary traffic…..did not stop at my Nans for long as I was panicking. Tried to keep out of the middle if town on the way home so my mum took me home a different way and it really panicked me as it turned out to be the long route round.. Got most of the way home and had to stop as I was panicking too much. Had to call my neighbour to bring my brother to my car to drive home…… but by the time they got there I had calmed down and was able to drive home but still in a panic.
But later on drove in the car again to go to get a Chinese takeaway. But still panic but got there and back
Calmed down later in the day and had a full night’s sleep

Day 14….
Woke up panicking as it was day before the holiday and sobbing in a panic about driving, and decided that I was not fit to drive to holiday the next day… tried to drive a bit late and got and drove a bit but then had to give up and let my brother drive…..panicky for the rest of the day but calmed down towards the end of the day.




Day 15……
Felt nervous when I got up as I was going on holiday, laid in bed for a little bit but the phone rang and it was the drs asking me to make an appointment about some blood tests that I had already been told were clear… so that really worried about that but my mum rang up and got the dr to ring me back, and it turned out he forgot to talk to me about my tests and wanted to second check something about my steroid level. Which did not help my panic level…..
Taxi arrived at 10pm and I was feeling sick and coughing and spluttering and panicking….. Went in the taxi and had a reasonably calm journey apart from a few panics so had to take a pill. Helped that we had a friendly taxi driver. Got to Skegness and went for a walk and then ate half a bowl of cheesy chips. After that had a bit of a panic as I had to wait for a couple of hours to get the key to the caravan. So kind of not got anywhere to panic alone……took a pill and then was able to carry on and calm day to go to the amusements… and even go alone to queue to check in… which is good as I do not like that sort of situation.. Got the keys to caravan and lugged the entire luggage to the caravan and then went on the bus to Tesco. Panicky and dizzy all the way round but coped and went back by taxi. Felt better and cooked myself a bowl of pasta and sauce. And a rice pudding for tea. And kept calm for the evening

Day 16
Ad a full night’s sleep in the caravan and got up at 10amish my mum and Nan had gone to the shop so I was alone. Did not really panic but was glad to see them come home. Mum phoned a taxi and we walked down to the entrance but the taxi did not turn up so I was panicking a little my mum rang them again and it turned out that a message had not been passed on but the taxi was on its way.
Got to Skegness and was ok, went to a few shops and then went for Lunch but felt sick after because I was panicking a little and then felt sicker because I was panicking and panicking more because I was feeling sick etc. feeling really dizzy. So went to the public toilets and was sick. Then took propranalol still felt dizzy and was tempted to ask if we could go back to the caravan. But carried on and went around the shops and bought some shoes for going to Bjorn again in June. And went for a walk up the shops with my mum and then went to the amusements for an hour or so, then went back to the caravan by taxi and then calmed down and went for a walk with my mum.
Took 3 x propranalol and 2 x Valium.

Day 17….
Got up at 8.30am earliest for weeks and got dressed and went with my mum to the shop without taking any pills beforehand felt ok and when I got back felt ok and then took a pill. Took a Valium before I went out on the bus to Chapel St Leonards via Skegness and went to a few shops and walked up to the beach ALONE while my mum and Nan went to the amusements. Took several photos and walked back to the amusements and stayed there playing on the games for another hour. Took the bus back to Skegness and then to the caravan….. went straight to having tea a large carvery tea. While my Mum walked my nan back to the caravan I then went to the reception to get our key that we left there for the maintenance men to fix the fridge door (was not shutting properly) got there just as they were going to lock up so lucky I did not go any later, walked back to the caravan alone and tidied up while waiting for mum and nan to get there. Made a cup of tea and had my ‘free pudding ‘ from the carvery chocolate fudge cake (bought our pudding home as it was free and we were full) then watched the TV for an hour had a shower and then watched another few hours of TV while playing a game on the laptop and writing my diary……
GOOD DAY AND TO TOP IT I ONLY HAD TO TAKE 1 VALIUM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2 WEEKS  

Day 18…….

Went to bed feeling dizzy last night but woke up feeling ok, and got up the earliest that I have done for a long time 8.15am, woke up chilly and got half-dressed (well it was too early to get dressed and I was chilly J )and sat having a cup of chamomile under the duvet on the seats and played the Wii, Had breakfast and sat for a while and then took a propranalol not feeling at all panicky really….plans for the day, take a bus up into town and then to Ingoldmells to look round there and the market. Took the bus to the market and walked around the market with only a little bit of a panic. Bought some things I needed (and some things I didn’t) stood in an arcade for a while and was not panicking, and then went for lunch /tea. Walked around some more and went into more shops without panicing. Took the bus back to the caravan and did some packing. Had tea and a bit later went for a walk to the arcade on camp and had a couple of hours in there and sat at the bar and had a soft drink. Walked back to the caravan and finished packing for home tomorrow L

And only took 1 valium again J

Day 19……

Woke up at 7.30 am and needed to get up as the taxi was coming at 9am but stayed in bed for a bit as all the packing was done…. Walked to the shop to meet the taxi and to get him to drive to the caravan to pick up the bags…… was not panicking at all really J got home about 11am with a panic free journey. But after about half An hour at home started to panic a bit, not sure why……
Drove in to town as we needed to do some food shopping..felt dizzy and panicky all the way but did it J
Unpacked the shopping and had a just about panic free evening until going to bed.
Only one valium again J J

[venusbluejeans]

Day 20…… woke up and my clock said it was 10am so got up and went to the bathroom and went to the toilet and noticed the clock said it was 8am so confused went to my room turned the tv on and it was only 8am as I had not set my clock up. So got back in bed and went back to sleep…. Ended getting up at 11am and took a propranalol as I was feeling rough….
Sat at my computer for a bit catching up on a few things. Had lunch and then drove again into town to tesco again with my brother in the car, felt less dizzy than before and walked around tesco without panic. Made tea salmon fish cakes potatoes and stuffed peppers.. yummy. Watched tv while on the Laptop still took only one Valium, but 3 propranalol.played on the Wii with Will till about half 11 and then went to bed.


Day 21….

Woke up at 10is and got up and took a pill, felt rough went into town a bit later with my mum and brother to get the newspapers and some bits from tesco… did not feel so dizzy when I drove but had the familiar not there feeling….
Felt roughin the afternoon with a headache. And watched tv in the afternoon and then watched the football celebrations in the evening and watched casualty and went to bed about 11pm still only 1 valium.

Day 22…
Woke up 10am and took propranalol….. went into town a little bit later and felt ok but not there while driving. Walked around town for a bit feeling ok and went to lots of different shops not panicking….came home and read the papers and made tea…watched tv and went to bed about 11pm

Day 23…

Got up around 11 feeling awfull…..my mum goes back to work tomorrow so spent the day panicking….. went in to town and felt not to bad driving but felt awful and not there walking round…. Came home and had a had a major panic about my mum going back to work, went onto the chat room on the forum and was reassured a bit….played on the xbox with my mum which calmed me down a bit……. But getting realoly fed up with feeling this way everyday and everyday being the same… need to find something I can get out and do but for that I need to be able to drive and prefebly alone…. Which I can so a viscious circle….. felt really rough all evening and really annoyed myself because I took 2 Valium where I have spent a week just need ing the one all day L

[venusbluejeans]

Day 24….

Spent a sleepless night panicking un till finally going to the toilet at 4am and panicked so badly that I was sick and got so worked up that my mum did not go to work. Felt like a failure because I felt so positive last night about not panicking.my mum phoned the doctors as I am not coping at all. Panicked all the way to drs appointment and was given a prescription of citalopram took one about 12pm and had a complete panic in the afternoon and then took a diazepam and calmed down a little and managed to take the dogs next door for a walk with rose but then panicked most of the evening. Calmed down talking to someone on a chat room. And had tomato soup for my tea. Got into a state in the evening, not sure if the citalopram was starting to get into my system but could not calm down and had a major panic and cry…. My mum said she probably staying at home for the rest of the 4 days she is meant to be working which really helped but still really on high alert and finding it difficult to turn off.

Good points,
Went to the drs and sorted pills
Took dogs for a walk

Bad points.
Bad night’s sleep, up at 4am
Major panic so mum could not go to work.
Panicked for most of the day
Panicked for most of the evening

[venusbluejeans]

A rough time taking the cit and the side effects meant that I did not write my diary for a few days……should have done but really did not feel like it as was panicking too much



Day ….

My mum back at work today, did not sleep at all really mainly just dozed panicking and stayed in bed until about 5am when I could not take it anymore and went down panicking mum was still at home but I took a valium and went back to bed allowing her to go to work lay in bed dozing on and off on the comp and ds. till 4pm panicking…. When I finally got up I felt very panicky and not with it at all, spoke to someone over the net who helped me calm down. Took another valium to help too. Calmed down enough to go with my brother to pick my mum up, which was better than staying alone. Went to Chip shop and tesco but stayed in the car as felt a bit panicky.
Ate my burger when was home, and sat talkingon the computer while my mum watched tv trying to ignore it as it was really confusing… then played on the xbox with mum while talking on the computer. But burst into tears, I think more out of relief than panic ans sobbed on my mums shoulder till finally calming down a little and carried on playing with my mum and talking on the computer..
Went to bed and did not sleep very well at all. Panicked but managed to stay in bed.


Good points…..
Coped all day
Went for a car ride

Bad points…
Panicked downstairs just before my mum went to work
Panicked all day
Stayed in bed till 4pm
Cried in the evening

Aims for tomorrow……..
Get up earlier
Go to pick up my mum again

[oh no_1]

hi
would you mind if i started to do a diary similar to you
i especially like the good points n bad points to balance it out and think i would like to try it and see if it helps.

[venusbluejeans]

Of course you can.... I found it really helped me:D