View Full Version : Social anxiety stops me asking women out
I have terrible anxiety relating to dating. I've always struggled to find girlfriends. I do have female friends but with any I'm also attracted to, I don't seem to be able to move on from being a friend to something more. Like many guys I've always struggled to approach girls who I don't know at all or know well. I dry up, can't act natural and don't know what to say. I panic totally and the more attracted I am to a women the worse it becomes!
Obviously I know that I'm suffering from social anxiety and a very low self-esteem. This has resulted in me being without a relationship for around 15 years. I feel terrible about this but powerless to do anything about it (as well as embarassed and frightened that I will end up lonely and loveless).
This is all in addition to a (at times) very embarassing phobia of shaking infront of other people which I've suffered for for many years and really doesn't help me.
I know I have to improve my self-esteem and confidence but I do struggle - many years of not believing in yourself is difficult to reverse. To be honest I don't know where to begin at times - it feels like climbing an emormous mountain or something.
CBT? Self help books? I'd really like to know if others have had the same problems and whether they've tried anything to solve them ?
Hello there, I saw your post and just thought id reply as your low self esteem struck a chord with me. I just wanted to say though you seem like such a nice person from your posts so the right person will be out there somewhere for you, they say cupid fires his arrow when you least expect it! So I have no doubt that there is somebody out there for you just around the corner.
My self esteem has been rock bottom ever since my school years and I totally know what you mean when you say that many years of not believing in yourself is hard to reverse. If anything mines got worse as I’ve gotten older (and it was already so low to start with so I didn’t think it cud get worse!). I’m 24 now and think I have the lowest confidence I’ve ever had. Recently I’ve had my heartbroken after 5 years together, and this man was my best friend, the only man I’ve ever felt comfortable with, and the only person who made me feel like my worrying and anxiety didn’t matter. I thought we were perfect together. Since he left me he acts as if we were never together and I’m so scared, lonely and sad, like I’m not worth loving. I just feel like Im going to spend my life being in love with someone who didn’t want me, and I’m still not sure why he fell out of love with me so quickly.
Anyway Ive gotten a bit off track here, so I just wanted to end on a positive note to try and offer some helpful advice as my post seems to have left me feeling sorry for myself! I was speaking to my brother, and he doesn’t have an issues with anxiety or anything but he says that he dry’s up, can’t act natural and is generally petrified when speaking to girls so your not on your own. Most girls would probably see it as endearing if you were shy around them or appeared nervous, so try not to beat yourself up over it. If a girls worth liking then she wont judge you for your nerves or your shaking phobia infront of people any way, so stay strong and Im sure things will work out for you.
Take care :) xx
Spidergirl
16-05-11, 21:12
I agree you sound so lovely and mrs right will come when you least expect it
eight days a week
17-05-11, 00:02
She is out there no doubt but as you say, you need to improve your self-esteem. If you don't I'd say there's a fair risk of either settling for second or third best (which certainly won't give you the boost you deserve!) or attracting someone who's in the same boat.
Do you have any thoughts as to how you can start to do that? What's your lack of self-esteem connected to do you think? I don't mean to get too personal, but I think that's the key to it.
eight days a week
17-05-11, 00:05
Oh and I think CBT (and other approaches) and self-help books can really help. Hopefully you'll get some good tips for books, but otherwise isn't there a reading list or 'recommended resources' section of the site?
Hi all,
Many thanks everyone for your replies. Its nice to know that I'm not alone and that people do sympathise.
Heather - I can sympathise about not having confidence since school days. Also very sorry to hear about your break up. From the one relationship I had I know I had a lot of difficulty dealing with rejection but in time that did fade. Keep strong, that bit does get better.
Eightdaysaweek - I don't know for sure where my lack of self-esteem comes but I can guess when it started. At school I was always quiet and shy. I was bullied a bit which made me feel weak and ashamed of myself. I wanted to blend into the background but being quite studious/bright might have done the opposite and left me as a target. Part of the bullying involved me being accused of being gay (which I'm not). I stress I've nothing against gay people at all but being labelled something you're not was also upsetting for me at the time (I was young and lacking in confidence). I do wonder if that got into my head a bit and put pressure on me to prove things otherwise. After I left school I gained some confidence in other areas (work, study, friendships). I wasn't exactly brimming with confidence in these areas but I wouldn't consider them problems (at least only occasionally). But in that one other area of my life confidence continued to be a serious problem.
Since this time I take negative experiences (like rejections) and negative comments (eg. 'you're boring', 'you're useless with women' etc) way too seriously. This is probably because something inside me believes them to be true and the fact that I haven't had a relationship for such a long time backs up how I feel.
I've started to look at self help/cbt programs for self esteem and I'm hoping to find a good one which I can really get stuck into. As you say, I don't want to settle for being with someone who isn't right for me but I wonder if I will really have much choice unless I can improve my confidence and therefore increase my chances.
evil monkey
18-05-11, 15:09
aye.
for what its worth, the only person i met while not having a job (dating site) was someone who was off work because of epilepsy. This made me feel a bit more confident around her because I was able to tell her about my situation genuinely, and know she wouldn't think too much less because she had her stuff too.
Hi Everyone,
Thought I'd just send a little update because something's happened and I wanted to ask some advice.
Recently I've been going to dance classes which I really enjoy but also has the added bonus that its a great, non-threatening way to meet women socially. (In general the people there are mostly really nice - it seems to go with the territory). Anyway there is this one girl who I've fancied for a while. Over the weeks I've found out what a fun, lovely person she seems to be. We chat a lot, have become closer, I like her and I think she likes me as well (just not sure in what way).
The trouble is that I can't stop my stupid brain from overthinking the situation over the last week. Until I ask her out I can never be sure how she's thinking but in the meantime my low self-esteem does its best to undermine me. My thoughts swing from telling myself how stupid I am, she probably really likes me and is thinking 'what the hell is this bloke waiting for!' to the other extreme that she's just being friendly, she's probably got someone else anyway etc.
So my question is that she seems to be interested but what do you think? The signals which make me think she is are that she's always pleased to see me and gives me a big hug when we meet, she sometimes gives me cheeky little smiles etc in class, when we dance together after class she says I make her laugh (not in a bad way, my dancing's not that bad! lol), she always squeezing my hand etc. But on the other hand she is a very friendly person and I'm a bit concerned that another guy at class might be seeing her....hmmmm (or is my lack of self-confidence imagining things again!)
Well, OK I know, as Harry Hill would say 'there's only one way to find out!' (no not 'fight!' haha). I'm going on holiday on Sunday for a week so I thought let's go away, enjoy myself, try to get this in perspective a bit and then ask next time I see her.
Just wish I could read the signals better and get my self-esteem higher so I didn't have doubts in this situation!
B
I just cant think of anything to talk about, usualy I struggle thinking of topics but I'm ok replying LOL.
Yeah, you and me both Nicky32! i had a bad bad day on Monday where I was struggling a bit with both initiating conversation and replying! - think tiredness didn't help! I used to be exactly as you say and often dried up completely. Now things are better friendship wise (think its practice at trying to ask more questions rather than thinking how I'm coming over all the time). I still really struggle with more than friendships though. Gonna have to take more risks but its a scary one.
Anxious_gal
30-06-11, 01:05
Wow,
for someone who says they lack confidence, well done, I would find a dance class nerve wracking to say the least :)
Hmm, if you likes you she will touch you a lot, ask your opinion/advice, maybe fish for compliments, etc...
Maybe you could casually ask her for lunch or coffee?
If she doesn't like you as more than a friend, well least you made a good friend :)
Try not to be offended if she turns you down, I have a few male friends who asked me out and I said no but we are still friends :)
well if she didn't like you she would have mentioned she had a boyfriend?
Always pleased to see you is a GOOD sign !! it means she at least likes you for who you are :)
Hugs are great, she's comfortable getting close to you, what way does she hug you?
Making her laugh, well us women adore men who make us smile and feel happy :))
Squeezing your hand hmm well if she ever does that and its not part of the dancing I would take that as a good sighn.
what makes you think she may be seeing another guy?
if she is then she's been totally leading you on, if she failed to mention she's not single, which means her ego is fragile and she needed an ego boost and you do deserve a better person than that.
this over analyzing gets you no where!!! Just decide to ask her out, figure out the details in your head and go ask her.
women can be highly flirtatious, and men seem to find it hard to tell flirting from normal female behavior, so I can see how you managed to confuse your self :)
you only live ONCE , if you don't ask her you will regret it.
I know she could say no and that will hurt you but if you never ask women out you'll never find the one your meant to be with, so no pain no gain :)
Hi Mishel,
Thanks for your kind reply. Yes, of course I know you are right. For me the intial asking out is the most nerve-wracking part. Until I get myself over this by just doing it, its not going to get better. (With the benefit of hindsight, I missed opportunities before because I dithered too long - all I can do is to learn the lesson this time around I suppose).
I also have some concerns about what she'll think about my lack of previous relationship history as well (I do find that acutely embarrassing), but I think I'll cross that bridge when/if I come to it.
I'm going to ask her. I'll report back next week and let you guys know what happened. I really have to get in the mindset that I've got nothing to lose here and maybe a lot to gain. Thanks for your support and advice Mishel.
Take care.
B
Hey bazbaz
I'm a woman, and my advice is to GO FOR IT!!! But I know that it's easier said than done, and that is the problem.
But also, I would say don't ask her out on a super romantic date or anything like that. That is too much pressure. Just start with coffee after dance class for example. Or maybe lunch or even breakfast on a saturday or sunday. Then is not so much pressure, you can have a nice short time together, and agree to meet again. When you get a bit more confortable, ask her out for a beer or something, where you can relax and get closer.
My other advice is don't take rejection personaly, as there are a million reasons why this girl could say no, and it doesn't mean anything for you. I know is disappointing, but that is it, or that should be it. If she says no...next! Find another girl you like and repeat :D.
Also, don't worry about your lack of previous relationships, I can name many many girls that wouldn't have a problem with that at all. It's just your history, that's it. If she has a problem, then..next! :)
Hi all,
Well, I have an update and I'm kind of excited about it I must admit. You were all completely right of course that there is only one way to find out if someone likes you in that way and that is to take the risk and ask!
I saw her last night and at first was a bit unsure (maybe the jitters were getting at me a bit). Anyway we had a dance and a really nice chat so I thought what the hell. It just felt really right in a way I can't explain. Anyway her answer was yes, and we're meeting up for lunch next week. What followed this really was encouraging as well. We just spent absolutely ages chatting and laughing - probably with a bit of flirting thrown in as well ;-)
Thank you guys for all your kind advice and encouragement. I really think it helped me and I feel proud of myself for taking a scary step (which I have to be honest, in the end wasn't as scary as I'd imagined - I just felt comfortable with her and it almost seemed a natural progression). Maybe I am getting somewhere with my self-esteem issues after all. Definitely significant step forward for me even if nothing comes of this.
Anyway, I don't want to get carried away. Let's see what happens....
Happy Sunday all,
Baz
Nice one Bazbaz, so pleased it is working out for you mate.:yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:
Sorry guys, this will be my last post I think on this whole saga (which no doubt is boring everyone by now!). Unfortunately it seems like my previous e-mail was a bit of a false dawn. Saw the same girl at class again and after agreeing to go out with me she says she now has to work that day. I took this pretty well, said no problem, we can do it another time instead to which no counter offer was made other than a yes (but with no 'let's do it next week' 'I'm available on...' etc). To say I was confused is an understatement! I don't want to be a pest or appear desperate so although part of me wants to ask once more, in all honesty I think its down to her to make it clearer that would be welcome (if she wants to be more than friends). Afterwards we continued to chat away, all very fun and friendly. I guess she just wants to be friends which is good but still disappointing. In all honesty what disappoints me most is that she couldn't tell me that in the first place. Am I right to feel so let down by this and that I deserve a bit more honesty there or is this just normal behaviour? :huh:
Taking the positives I asked, I conquered some fear there and I put myself out there (and I survived albeit with a slightly battered ego). :yesyes:
B
Unfortunately it seems like my previous e-mail was a bit of a false dawn. Saw the same girl at class again and after agreeing to go out with me she says she now has to work that day. I took this pretty well, said no problem, we can do it another time instead to which no counter offer was made other than a yes (but with no 'let's do it next week' 'I'm available on...' etc). To say I was confused is an understatement! I don't want to be a pest or appear desperate so although part of me wants to ask once more, in all honesty I think its down to her to make it clearer that would be welcome (if she wants to be more than friends). Afterwards we continued to chat away, all very fun and friendly. I guess she just wants to be friends which is good but still disappointing. In all honesty what disappoints me most is that she couldn't tell me that in the first place. Am I right to feel so let down by this and that I deserve a bit more honesty there or is this just normal behaviour? :huh:
So sorry to hear that Bazbaz. Yeah, she has messed you about a bit, I would feel let down too, but at least you were able to accept it well and remain friends. That is much to your credit. There are a few reasons why she may have done this, she may have just got cold feet, decided she doesn't want a relationship at the moment or maybe is pursuing someone else. If you remain on good terms you might find out a bit more as time goes on. It was a great achievement getting to that stage and having done that with this girl, when the time is right you will be able to date someone else.
Tyke
Cheers Tyke, good advice as always. :) Must admit that I'm feeling a bit confused and fed up but trying to take the positives of what happened and what I achieved. (Maybe I should just have the attitude that its her loss!)
Saw a mate of mine last night and he reckoned that I shouldn't give up as it could be a genuine excuse (who knows, it may well be I guess). He thinks I may have some self-doubt clouding my judgement. I know he means well, but all the same the fact that she didn't suggest another day is the key for me though. I certainly don't want to be labelled as a pest and even though I feel she let me down a bit I still like her as a friend. As usual with dating and anything related you have to deal with the fact that people don't give you a straight answer (often because they don't want to hurt your feelings I guess).
Saw a mate of mine last night and he reckoned that I shouldn't give up as it could be a genuine excuse (who knows, it may well be I guess). He thinks I may have some self-doubt clouding my judgement. I know he means well, but all the same the fact that she didn't suggest another day is the key for me though. I certainly don't want to be labelled as a pest and even though I feel she let me down a bit I still like her as a friend. As usual with dating and anything related you have to deal with the fact that people don't give you a straight answer (often because they don't want to hurt your feelings I guess).
Yeah, I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. The good thing is you have remained friends. My tactic would be to try and be a fantastic friend, no pressure, make her feel comfortable with you and enjoy your company, then who knows? For one thing you might eventually discover exactly why she turned you down and if you feel things are progressing well, it could be worth another shot in the future. I would be looking elsewhere at the same time though. Unless the vibes are really positive you can't rely on anything developing from it.
Tyke :)
Yeah, I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. The good thing is you have remained friends. My tactic would be to try and be a fantastic friend, no pressure, make her feel comfortable with you and enjoy your company, then who knows? For one thing you might eventually discover exactly why she turned you down and if you feel things are progressing well, it could be worth another shot in the future. I would be looking elsewhere at the same time though. Unless the vibes are really positive you can't rely on anything developing from it.
Tyke :)
Yeah, I make you right there Tyke. A gentle backing off to good friends status and keeping my options open. Who knows, I could have completely the wrong end of the stick but my gut is telling me I haven't.
Went to gym tonight and got rid of some of the hangover from this! Feel much more positive now.
Cheers for the advice mate. You should be in counselling. lol
B
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