lior
11-05-11, 01:30
I'm much more in touch with my feelings and why I feel the way I do. I had a bit of a confidence knock. I didn't get what I expected at uni, the grade I mean. I've been used to being the top of the class for a couple of years, and once again I'm the middle. I don't want to be the middle, I want to be the best. Exceptthe uni I'm at is the best. I think. It's the best - or the only - one of this kind of course. I'm lucky to have got in. And yet, I don't get what they're all about, and hardly anyone does. They don't teach you it, they expect you to 'learn it for yourself' from the bullshit vague stuff they say. Academics, shmakademics. I disagree with them. But I still need to learn how to do it their way. I just hope it's not at the cost of my sanity.
Anyway I cried a lot today for the first time in a while, and did that thing where I just sleep during the day without an alarm so I can't call it a power nap.
I've worked myself into illness again, I've got tonsillitis, just like last time.
And yet I can't stay asleep at night. I've started grinding my teeth. I can't breathe from my sinuses and I wake up coughing. My body feels weak but I find it hard to fall asleep.
I'm so so disappointed in myself. I pinned my hopes on a 2:1 and I didn't think it was unrealistic. For the first time, though, giving my all, putting 6 weeks of unrelentless hard work in, didn't pay off. I was sure it would have done and it didn't. Other people who didn't put in half the time that I did got the same grade as me. I thought hard work was the answer to everything, but it's just not. The answer is to read the tutors' minds apparently.
It really hurts when you cry when you have tonsilitis!! Ouch.
So I'm disappointed in myself, and anrgy too, and at the tutors too. And at the world for turning out to be more unfair and less straightforward than I knew it to be. Another corrupting, growing-up moment. I still wish everything was like maths A-level. Difficult to understand at first, but basically straightforward, with rights and wrongs.
I could have been involved with a simple life with a career that was straightforward, and instead I have unwittingly chosen a course that is basically a headf**k, and will lead me down paths I didn't expect. I don't know what I'm doing!! I'm scared. I've worked so hard and now I've got to start on all this other work, and I'm paralysed by feeling ill and scared. And disappointed.
I got the late night blues :(
Anyway I cried a lot today for the first time in a while, and did that thing where I just sleep during the day without an alarm so I can't call it a power nap.
I've worked myself into illness again, I've got tonsillitis, just like last time.
And yet I can't stay asleep at night. I've started grinding my teeth. I can't breathe from my sinuses and I wake up coughing. My body feels weak but I find it hard to fall asleep.
I'm so so disappointed in myself. I pinned my hopes on a 2:1 and I didn't think it was unrealistic. For the first time, though, giving my all, putting 6 weeks of unrelentless hard work in, didn't pay off. I was sure it would have done and it didn't. Other people who didn't put in half the time that I did got the same grade as me. I thought hard work was the answer to everything, but it's just not. The answer is to read the tutors' minds apparently.
It really hurts when you cry when you have tonsilitis!! Ouch.
So I'm disappointed in myself, and anrgy too, and at the tutors too. And at the world for turning out to be more unfair and less straightforward than I knew it to be. Another corrupting, growing-up moment. I still wish everything was like maths A-level. Difficult to understand at first, but basically straightforward, with rights and wrongs.
I could have been involved with a simple life with a career that was straightforward, and instead I have unwittingly chosen a course that is basically a headf**k, and will lead me down paths I didn't expect. I don't know what I'm doing!! I'm scared. I've worked so hard and now I've got to start on all this other work, and I'm paralysed by feeling ill and scared. And disappointed.
I got the late night blues :(