Bad episode last night, need help

[kate11]

Last night was a bad episode.
my poor husband really is amazing with what he has to put up with.
It started with feling hungry, which i got upset about because i wanted something unhealthy and this made me feel guilty due to being overweight. this lead to me feeling bad about being off work sick due to sinus infection and a bad wife. i end up in tears telling my husband im convinced he will leave me because i dont deserve to be loved and he will one day see me for what i am. overweight, not worth being around. my familiy abandoned me when my stepmother came on the scene with her son, my mum had died and she (stepmother) wanted me gone, even told me as much. My stemother also died and at the funeral i was treated like the antichrist, coz of the things she tld them about me. i left home at 15 as i couldnt take it anymore, she wouldnt even allow pics of me in the house but were covered in her sons.
i got so anxious i started hitting the wall and didnt know what to do with myself. my husband holds me and comforts me, he really is amazing and i sometimes wish i had the courage to let him go so he can be happy as he deserves so much more. Im sooo sorry to go on, i just wonder if anyone can relate to the cascade of negative thoughts. it takes over and scares me. i refuse medication, doesnt work and ive tried counselling
:(

[vicky23]

You say you tried counselling? did that involve cognitive behavioural therapy? If your counselling was purely talking then maybe it wouldn't have worked but perhaps learning how to replace those negative thoughts might be useful for you, you can obviously identify your negative thought patterns but you might need help in seeing that they may not be realistic. For example, by saying you sometimes wish you had the courage to let him go, you are assuming ''mind reading'' how your husband feels and I'm guessing that no matter how much your husband tells you 'I love you and made a vow to love you and stand by you in sickness and health' you still get that tape recorder playing negativity so you're the only one who can change that.
Have a look at the website www.llttf.com (http://www.llttf.com)
it stands for living life to the full and is a free resource based on cognitive behavourial therapy techniques for anxiety and depression. If this helps you but you feel you need more guidance you could always then go to your GP to refer you for CBT
Hope you find relief soon