PDA

View Full Version : depersonalization??? soo confused



smhotte
11-05-11, 18:00
heres my situation, in 2003 i was diagnosed with panic disorder. i really thought i was dying , had chest pain , couldnt breathe ect.. i tried a multitude of medications and finally lexapro worked for me along with a very nice therapist whom i saw for a year and a half. in 2005 i took my self oof the lexapro, didnt need the therapist and got married three months later.. got on an airplain which i was deathly afraid of and conquered lots of panic fears without the use of medication.. since then I have never had another panic attack.. if i am scared or worried i simply turn on the radio, take a bath, read a book ect.
but... then things got bad... i had a baby in 2006 and had preeclampsia that never went away..i currently have high blood pressure (im 29, weigh 128lbs do not smoke ect..) average bp is 160/110 .. along with migraines.i was put on atenolol 25mg daily in nov 2009 to stop the migraines and the high blood pressure.. i was noncompliant with the med since i was afraid to take them ( i hate meds). in nov.2010 i didnt recieve my depo shot that i have been on for four years... soo on jan 28 of 2011 i was at work and was fine and suddenly started seeing things in my eyes..squiggly things. my vision kept getting worse and my body felt jiggly and daint and all of a sudden i was confused. everyone was fading out so my boss and everyone took me in the back and was talking to me and i could here them asking me what my name was, where i was, my phone number ect.. and i knew the answere in my head but couldnt formulate the words.. i could only tell them i dont kow .. this went on for 45 minutes, ambulance was called, taken to er, and was diagnosed with "acute confusional migraine with aura". i had no head pain but they explained that pain does not need to be present.. after that two weeks later i was diagnosed with a double sinus infection and placed on avelox antibiotic, prednisone, and clariton..which all made me dizzy , and sic and had my first panic attac in years..i freaked out..then the panoic attacks kept coming only they werent like they were years ago , not even the same symptoms instead i would go numb , and get severe shakes, but no racing heart, pain or anything so i didnt believe i was having panic attacks. i started taking my atenolol faithfully though since my bp was really high and i was really stressed (I a a full time biology senior ) as well as a mom of two elementary kids, a wife, homeowner, and i work part time too .. so on april 8th i had just eaten dinner with the family and went to the restroom and got severely dissy and things looked lack like i was gonna pass out.. i got off the toilet and was yelling to my husband to call 911 since i felt like i was passing out and we took my bp and it was 177/125 he called and they came and kept telling me to calm down .. i waited in er for 4 hours before feeling better and decided that if this is my panic then there was nothing they could do so we left. i went to my primary two days later and she said that the atenolol was probably causing bad side effects and to ween off it.. i quit cold tukey that day.. that sunday I had my first suicidal voice pop into my head ..i freaked out and hid all the kniives and my medications since i was scared.i have panic im afraid of dying didnt even know where that came from .. then came what my new therapist says is depersonalization/derelization disorder. I felt like i was losing time, things werent real, was dizzy all day every day,i was doing things automatically but dont know how.. i went to a crisis center ..they told me i appeared fine and seemed very intellegent and that they suspect this is not panic disorder and to rule out all medical.. i then went to my neurologist who said the numbness and tingling and losing time can all be these rare migraines, so i was prescribed amitiptiline hcl "for migraines" she said. a few days later i ended up in the er again with confusion..i couldnt think .. or answer simple questions.. everything was fine they said.. maybe just gotta get that atenolol out of my system. i started the amitryiptiline that night .. the next day my husband and i went shopping at the mall for easter.. i heard voices in my head telling me to kill everyone, and to stab a pregnant woman..i freaked out and made him take me to the same crisis center i had been to before, and while we begged them to admit me for a few days they said i was not a threat and that i need to rule out all medical .. i was devastated, however after about a week of being on the migraine meds which i found out later were really an antidepressant.. i suprisingly was normal again.. no voices, no depersonalization i went on my merry life but the numbness and blackouts persisted, and the dizziness and ringin in my ear.. so i had an mra, and an eeg done which came out normal, my thyroid was tested and was t3-t4 normal and tsh was borderline 0.3 ? she said nothing that could cause this.. she then sent me to be tested for lyme disease.. havent heard anything so i suspect its fine.. in the mean ime i started seeing a new therapist who believed that it had to be the medicine since i was doing better and it just needs to take time, but then thursday after finishing my last final may 5th 2011 it all came back..the depersonalization is in full swing, now im working fine, aced all my tests, but saturday night i had reallly severe suicidal thoughts and cried to my husband that i dont want to be alone. i was seeing myself taking all my pills again. i have been fighting with my own voices in my head telling them to stop .. notw i have been off the atenolol since friday april 10th i think it was and on the amitryptiline since sat april 16th 20mg of it at bedtime. i have read an entire book on anxiety and relaxation methods, have listened to entire day spa cds, and talked with my therapist who says to come off all meds all together, and have my dr check my adrenals which i will do at my appoinment friday. i also saw my neurologist that same day , told her he wants me off the med she prescribed and she said i am depressed because i started crying in her office telling her i was terrified that i am not myself anymore and hearing voices .. i told her i feel like i have schitzophrenia and she laughed and said not possible that i am depressed and go home and relax. so i went home , did yoga, had a 75 royal pedicure at a local dayspa and things are still the same.. i am so detatched its not even funny. i did manage to push unwanted thoughts out of my head successfully yesterday and i have decided to try to see how i am without the antidepressant that she prescribed me.. so i did not take it last night at all . my questions are..does anyone have similar experiences, can someone be depressed and not realize it..i mean i am a very outgoing happy person, i made deans list, my daughter got accepted to a talented and gifted program for having straight as as well, my husband is fantastic support, im now done with school , which gives me free time , and the weather has been beautiful, i worry about bills, constantly , like always nothing different, ..and can being on that amitriptiline have been what made the suicide thoughts worsen?? or ma ymy body have gotten used to the drug in the few weeks and i needed a larger dose?? also is depersonalization a withdrawel symptoM?? i am stressing hard core and just want to be me again..any ideas guys