i should be happy

[rachelsarah]

i havent been here in a while as i thought i had my life sussed, met a lovely man eventually moved into a gorgeous cottage in the country with a relaxed job doing what i usually love, had a few hiccups in our relationship as i keep getting into some very low moods where i withdraw from everything and he feels now that he has to tiptoe around me. we had a chat recently and it was just like everythig was my fault and i have to change become more relaxed and positive, this chat has just put me into a lower depression and i feel im back where i was 3 years ago. my thoughts race about all sorts of things from being a failure to not wanting to give up to wanting to just leave everything behind and end it all somehow but i know i would never have the guts to do such a thing, and the guilt of these feelings is tearing me apart. i have nothing to be depressed about yet here i am again wondering whats going on and whats wrong with me i just feel like my brain doesnt work properly. i cant come to any sort of conclusion other than im homesick from moving away from my family and that im just not coping with all this change but its what i wanted, but this is where its lead me. any suggestions would be welcome especially about how i can explain to my partner about my problems. (ive been on medication and in therapy in the past but found the doctors didnt care much and the therapist didnt really relate to me)

[SEM]

This is the first time I've been on the forums here - having only recently joined. I find it really difficult to summarise in a few paragraphs what my life is like (although I think you've done a really good job with what you have said about yours) but what really hit me what your title - 'I SHOULD be happy'. I don't know that I really have any answers for you, especially today, as I am having a down day and have just spent the last half an hour typing two pages of scary, racing, negative thoughts just to try and work through them. But I just wanted to say that it's something I really struggle with too. My life is good... I have a fantastic husband, a good job, great family etc. And I SHOULD be happy. But sometimes I'm really not. It's like I'm looking at my life from the outside and seeing the good stuff, but not being able to enjoy it. And a lot of that is because I feel guilty because I SHOULD be enjoying it. Should really has become such a dirty word in our house! But so often when we feel down we try so hard to pin it on something, when mostly its the other way around. We feel down, so everything seems wrong (emotional reasoning, apparently, I'm learning my negative though patterns!) We feel empty, so we find reasons for feeling that way. And then feel guilty, which doubles the workload! Its the hardest thing in the world, but if I can accept I feel crap sometimes just because I do, oddly, then, sometimes I start to feel a little bit better. I don't know if this helps, but if it doesn't, know you aren't on your own. SEM

[Anna C]

Hi Rachel,

I'm sorry that you are having a bad time at the moment, I can relate when you say about feeling down and depressed as I feel that way too.

Well done for moving house and its also good that you have a job that normally you would enjoy. Do you think if you were to print some details about depression off the internet and show them to your partner that might help him to understand? I think you are being really hard on your self blaming yourself because their are problems with your relationship, as you said it just makes you feel even worse.
You must be really missing your friends and family if you have only recent moved away. Would it be possible to telephone them more often or could they visit for a few days? Is there anyone from work who you could meet for coffee or lunch?

A lot of people seem to have gp's who don't understand how they are feeling, could you see a different gp at the surgery or even go to a different surgery I know you said you couldn't relate to your therapist but you might bond with a different one. I have found talking to someone who understands how you are feeling really helpful.

I know when you are feeling down and depressed it seems to effect everything, I feel unmotivated, a failure, like I am letting people down and like you that my brain isn't working properly and sometimes whats the point of being here. Its hard to be motivated and positive when you want to give up but I have recently joined the gym as I know exercise makes you think clearer and I could do with some endorphins too, also I have some herbal tablets st. johns wort which are supposed to help.

There is also a website that you might find helpful if you google Centre for clinical intervention, click on work books then beat the bluez it gives you a lot of info on low mood/depression.

I hope you feel better soon. Take care
Anna

[Spidergirl]

Agree with Anna, see some family and friends to cheer you up weekly or something. I'm going through something similar, my partner doesnt understand the situation for me, I'm finding the move a big change but mainly because I'm a city girl and in a village I'm not use to the lack of resources or fitting into ready made groups, theres less people around to come into contact with. I'm trying to stay off medication and i'm meeting new people so i'm not so isolated. Best thing for my partner is a break from me so hes not the only person I'm talking to. Give it a go, your partner probably wont understand missing your family especially if your nearer theres. As long as you've told them whats tipping you over the edge and making you unhappy then your doing your best I think :)

[looking4answers]

I feel like you do many times....depressed with nothing to be depressed about.Im not sure what causes it but it makes me feel bad as well.Do hope you feel better soon.

[shoegal]

Depression is an illness and isn't necessarily caused by anything (although it can be triggered by life events in susceptible people). It can happen at any time in your life for no specific reason so please don't feel guilty for feeling depressed. You need support right now. It's not helpful blaming yourself. :flowers:

[macc noodle]

If you feel depressed it has nothing to do with circumstance in most cases, in fact very often I feel at lowest when everything is good!

Depression is an illness and I have heard it all before when my hubby was suffering "what has he got to be depressed about? He is doing ok nice family nice home etc etc"

How our world looks on the outside is a poor reflection of the truth to a sufferer of a mental health issue like depression.

Don't be hard on yourself, accept that you are ill and need to get help to recover and, in time,you will.

:hugs:

[alix123]

I know what you mean. I have a great supportive partner and a beautifl daughter everything should be perfect but I often feel so low and without realising it my partner gets the moodswings etc. he is really good about it all and I was completely straight with him from the start but I see it gets him down a lot and sometimes I feel he would be better off without me in his life. It's so hard suffering with depression and other mental health problems but it makes sustaining relationships even more of a challenge. I suppose we just have to hope the ones who are meant to be will stick around for the good times in spite if the bad :hugs:

[rachelsarah]

thanks for all the posts guys and the positive advice i feel less alone now and im trying to talk through my feelings with my partner, im also taking a week off to go and visit my family and friends so i think the space will do us good plus i get to spend quality time with the other people in my life who i love. im just glad that our relationship is strong and he does try and understand but i guess without a window to my thoughts and head its hard for anyone to relate to who hasnt experienced this.

much love x

[suze62]

Hi Rachel, I hope your break helps. You've just moved house which is very stressful so now the stress has stopped your emotions thoughts and feeling come to the fore.

Another thought, please dont bite my head off but do you move often? I used to move house as often as I could and I always thought I would be happy in the new place but of course I never was. And whilst in this spiral of house moves I had no insight, I didn't know thats what I was doing.

Suze

[rachelsarah]

i only moved before to go to college then uni so this is the move thats 'permanent' if that makes sense, i guess its my settling down now move , mayb tats whats strange