TKakes
14-05-11, 13:53
Hi. I'm 28 and should be happy.
I've always suffered from anxious, irrational behaviour and thoughts from about the age of nine; earthquakes, bombs, cholking etc..these feelings have laid dormant and sometimes reared their ugly head when i've least expected them to, yet manifested in always a 'new' form: spaced out, struggling for a deep breath etc
In the last five years i suffered from chronic Ulcerative Colitis (UC) and had a temporary Ilieostomy (stoma). In the 18 months i had my stoma, my partner of 7 years left me for someone else. I coped seemingly well and threw myself into socialising and meeting other people, started my training (to work as a theatre practitioner) and had a reversal of the stoma. So, three major operations in two years.
The last three years have been the happiest and also the saddest of my life. I met my fiance', qualified and am planning my wedding happily, we've moved house to an area we love and are both content and reasonably financially comfortable. My beloved Father suddenly passed away last year from a brain haemorrhage. It seems as if i put my bereavement on the back burner without realising it. I have no idea how one is 'supposed' to cope with losing a parent so young and so suddenly. I carried on working (being newely qualified and 'grateful' to be employed in these hard economic times, i felt i had to prove to my employers i was resiliant...it's pretty cut throat/competitive...) and thought i must be doing pretty well. Took time off to move house a month ago and upon going back to work i found i was spaced out everyday, a feeling of not being there..really scary. This was also accompanied by a return of my popping ears and pressure changes...arghh too much. I carried on trying to work but ended up in A&E one night after work, literally convinced i was going to have a heart attack or some sudden, terrible death. I was reassured (temporarily) that i had 'sterling' health...however, i couldn't forget the chest pain and inability to get a breath and dizziness! I carried on trying to work but a few times my fiance' had to collect me from work (40minutes drive) as i just felt so out of it (very long shifts actually).
I've now been signed off for two weeks but still feel pretty bad. I'm teriffied my life is spiraling out of control....in the last few days i've really dwelt on the cause of my father's dealth and now my symptoms are replicating a stroke...but, i literally feel pulsating in my head and am getting headaches and pressure. I've made an appointment with my GP to request a brain scan and am awaitng CBT. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and that it's all in my head...But, how can i when it feels so REAL.
Sorry for the flow of this post, i have tried to keep it brief but detail the fundamental things i think could be contributing to these feelings.
Tried Citalopram but couldn't bare the side effects. Have come off the pill as DVT and Pulmonary Embolism fears kept occuring. I want to believe it's anxiety making me feel like this but i keep thinking: why am i ignoring all these terrible symptoms? I also know my Father used to suffer from these anxious feeings all his life, but then he DID pass away...I feel so pathetic and hopeless and that i'm wasting my life away.
I've always suffered from anxious, irrational behaviour and thoughts from about the age of nine; earthquakes, bombs, cholking etc..these feelings have laid dormant and sometimes reared their ugly head when i've least expected them to, yet manifested in always a 'new' form: spaced out, struggling for a deep breath etc
In the last five years i suffered from chronic Ulcerative Colitis (UC) and had a temporary Ilieostomy (stoma). In the 18 months i had my stoma, my partner of 7 years left me for someone else. I coped seemingly well and threw myself into socialising and meeting other people, started my training (to work as a theatre practitioner) and had a reversal of the stoma. So, three major operations in two years.
The last three years have been the happiest and also the saddest of my life. I met my fiance', qualified and am planning my wedding happily, we've moved house to an area we love and are both content and reasonably financially comfortable. My beloved Father suddenly passed away last year from a brain haemorrhage. It seems as if i put my bereavement on the back burner without realising it. I have no idea how one is 'supposed' to cope with losing a parent so young and so suddenly. I carried on working (being newely qualified and 'grateful' to be employed in these hard economic times, i felt i had to prove to my employers i was resiliant...it's pretty cut throat/competitive...) and thought i must be doing pretty well. Took time off to move house a month ago and upon going back to work i found i was spaced out everyday, a feeling of not being there..really scary. This was also accompanied by a return of my popping ears and pressure changes...arghh too much. I carried on trying to work but ended up in A&E one night after work, literally convinced i was going to have a heart attack or some sudden, terrible death. I was reassured (temporarily) that i had 'sterling' health...however, i couldn't forget the chest pain and inability to get a breath and dizziness! I carried on trying to work but a few times my fiance' had to collect me from work (40minutes drive) as i just felt so out of it (very long shifts actually).
I've now been signed off for two weeks but still feel pretty bad. I'm teriffied my life is spiraling out of control....in the last few days i've really dwelt on the cause of my father's dealth and now my symptoms are replicating a stroke...but, i literally feel pulsating in my head and am getting headaches and pressure. I've made an appointment with my GP to request a brain scan and am awaitng CBT. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and that it's all in my head...But, how can i when it feels so REAL.
Sorry for the flow of this post, i have tried to keep it brief but detail the fundamental things i think could be contributing to these feelings.
Tried Citalopram but couldn't bare the side effects. Have come off the pill as DVT and Pulmonary Embolism fears kept occuring. I want to believe it's anxiety making me feel like this but i keep thinking: why am i ignoring all these terrible symptoms? I also know my Father used to suffer from these anxious feeings all his life, but then he DID pass away...I feel so pathetic and hopeless and that i'm wasting my life away.