Sudden HIV fear - reassurance, please?

[kitty18]

Hi guys :)

I've been married for two years. My husband and I have been together for four years. Before I met him in 2007, I was a virgin. He had been with 7 other women in total since he was 18.

Previously we'd discussed sexual health. I had a basic sexual health test (not for HIV, because back then they didn't have an 'opt-out' system, they just did it if you asked for it) in 2007/8 and those results came back clear. He has always been monogamous, and told me that his tests had come back clear, so I assumed he'd had ALL the tests done (including HIV). I didn't think I needed a HIV test because I had only slept with him and he was HIV negative.

Fast forward to now. We were discussing this sort of thing last night, and something came up - he HASN'T ever had a HIV test. He's a bit afraid of needles (something I also never knew) and so has never had it done. Before meeting me, he has had unprotected penetrative sex with at least two women. The first was his girlfriend of 3 years (so a LOT of condomless sex), who had been with five partners prior to him. The second was another girlfriend who he had condomless sex with a few times, and she had also been with other guys.

I was already aware of this, but I had no idea he'd never been tested for HIV. I'm now absolutely paranoid that he caught HIV several years ago from one of these women, or even one of his later partners. I know that HIV usually presents itself first as cold/flu symptoms (my husband is prone to colds so can't tell if he got a 'cold' around the time he was sleeping with these women) and then lies dormant with NO symptoms for several years. Since we've been together he's not been sick except for occasional colds, so I'm worried that he has had HIV for a long time already.

He has apologised for putting me at risk (I was on the pill for a while and we had condomless sex then) and we are both taking a HIV test hopefully this week, just to be certain. But I am really scared it's going to be bad news. My husband was in no way promiscuous, but I don't know about his exes or the partners THEY were with... what if his longterm girlfriend had slept with a guy who had it? What if she'd never been tested either? That's my biggest fear, that someone has had it and hasn't bothered to get tested so they can warn others.

I'm most worried about my husband's health... much less about mine because I fear losing him. I don't even mind if I have HIV... I'm more concerned about him at the moment.

I guess I'd like some reassurance of the risks... and some tips on how to deal with waiting for the results to come back. We are going to the doctor tomorrow to discuss this and book a test, I'm hoping she can help us calm down about it. :(

xx

[KayleighJane]

hiya, I do evening work in a sexual health clinic and all i can say is if you have any kind of worry then just get yourself tested, no matter how big or small your fear is. at least by doing it you can put your mind at rest and move on, you have booked an appointment at the docs which is great, they can advise you better than I can. All i can really say is get the test done and see what happens from then, i am sure all will be ok but try not to worry in the meantime, most of the people that we see in our clinics (probably about 90%) are dealing with sti's like chlamydia and stuff, these are the more common things we are seeing (i know its easier said than done to try not to worry for now but give it a go :)) xx

[shoegal]

Hi. Firstly I would say DON'T GO TO THE DR's for this test. Go to your local GUM clinic which is completely confidential and won't go on your medical file. If you have an HIV test at your DR's surgery you will have to declare it for insurance purposes and it can affect any insurance payouts/premiums in the future (regardless of the HIV test result). If you get it done at a GUM clinic you never have to declare it.

I think at the GUM clinic HIV test results take about a week to come back. You then get the results over the phone via a recorded message (well that's how I got mine).

The chance of your husband having HIV is very small but I do understand your concern. I always insist that new partners have ALL the tests done before I will even consider having unprotected sex with them, and of course I also have all the tests to reassure them. I doubt very much that your husband has HIV, and I'm sure that if you've been with him for 4 years he would have had symptoms by now.

If the worst happens and he does have it, it isn't the end of the world these days. I have a friend who is HIV positive and he leads a completely normal active life. He takes medication to keep the virus under control and seems very well. I think there are effective meds for it these days. BUT, like I said, I doubt very much that your husband is HIV positive.

Good luck xxx :flowers:

[westofengland]

hi - HIV fear is classic health anxiety. CBT treatment tells you to put this kind of thing in a pie chart of probability and the chances you are are infected are really low. HIV is actually still quite rare in this country compared to, say, Africa or parts of Asia. And interestingly, even if your partner DID have condomless sex with someone who is infected, it's no means automatic that he got infected too (not that anyone should take risks...)
Anyway, as the previous poster said, go to a GUM clinic, mine was great. I've had three tests, all negative. You'll be fine, but get tested. And recognise you are suffering from health anxiety when you get the negative result and start working on that

Love Geoff

[westofengland]

GUM clinics are different, but i believe most work on the principle that they will only contact you if the result is positive. So if you haven't heard anything after about 5 days you can normally relax - be prepared to jump out of your skin every time the phone rings for a few days though! Or you can go to a private clinic and get the result pretty instantly - Freedom Health Clinic in London is very well known.
Don't worry, you'll be fine!