Altered state-terrifies me

[chrissie1]

I have been suffering from depersonalisation for a year after a particularly anxious time.
The worse thing has been the existensial thoughts which have scared me so much-I am sure it is the thoughts that have kept me in such a strange state because the original cause of the anxiety has long gone.

I am not sure how I will ever get over these thoughts and feelings. I feel as though my sense of self has just dissolved into the people of the world and I have became part of every one of them-with no separate identity of my own. Now when I go anywhere I look at all the people living their lives and think-any one of them could be me. I have no sense of my own little place in the world. Even though I can still remember my past it seems as though it belongs to someone else. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed about it that I have dreadful panic attacks

It seems to be almost a experience of enlightenment which I have read Buddhists strive for-but I take no pleasure from it-I don't want it but I don't know how I will ever be able to go back into my bubble now!

Can anyone identify with me? I tried EFT therapy for a while but it was making my anxiety much worse so I have given it up now.

I am able to function and I switch these thoughts off when I need to-but I am always aware that I have just put them on hold. I feel I need to deal with them as they are spoiling my life. I know our thoughts cannot hurt us but still-it is very uncomfortable to live like this-I feel like 'I' have gone forever. Can anyone identify?
Thank you

[Rhys1879SAFC]

Chrissie, you have just described me down to a tee babe.

Its horrific isn't it? Like you I didn't have these weird thoughts until I started suffering from depersonalisation.

Sometimes I'll just look at other people going about their daily business and think "this is all in my head and I'm just imagining everything going on around me". I see a tormented stranger staring back at me in the mirror now to be honest, I just feel like a ghost, nothing seems real to me.

I've talked to my counsellor about it and she says she has lost count of the amount of people who've said the same things to her. She says that because the depersonalisation makes you feel as if you're in a dream world, is it any wonder we start to feel and think like we do? She said as soon as the depersonalisation disappears I will start to get back to normal.

I know how you feel and what you're going through and it is hell. I remember my past but it just seems like all the stuff that happened to me over the years and all my memories never actually happened, it really is horrific and I'd rather have my health anxiety back than keep going through this!

Just hang in there, I have improved but its been gradual, it will definitely take time! They say depersonalisation helps your brain keep you safe from anxiety but I think it just makes things worse.

[chrissie1]

Thanks for a great reply Rhys-I agree with you totally-it just makes you feel worse!
Actually the depersonalisation is going but the thoughts are as intense as they were. If you think about it-what we are obsessing about isn't that odd. I think although D/P is a state of unreality it kind of makes you see things in a very real way which is quite a shock. Before D/P-I was behind my eyes, the centre of my own universe looking out at the world and the rest of the people I saw were whole. I know its silly but I never really contemplated that they were behind their eyes just like me. Was that arrogant or stupid or both? It's just the realisation that when I see crowds, each one of the people has a whole life and each is the centre of their own universe. I once didn't give it a thought.... other people passing by were kind of irrelevant. Now I feel so tiny in the world-my centre has completely gone. I believe I am actually seeing things as they really are.It's almost as though I have become too sane rather than mad-and it is very overwhelming! It blows my mind!
I am trying to let the thoughts come and go and not be scared by them because they are really just about reality and what it truly means. I would just like to feel like I have as much importance on this planet as I used to...instead I just feel part of the huge human race-but not as an individual any more. I hope that makes sense?

[eight days a week]

It all makes sense, don't worry! It sounds (to me) like you're a very sensitive person who always thought one way. But now you've seen that there's a completely different way of thinking, and it has - like you say - completely blown your mind and (most probably) pulled the rug out from a lot of things you used to be sure were true.

I think the thing to aim for is some sort of 'balance' between the two views, because that's where I think peace lies myself (sorry, this is just all my humble opinion, so please disregard what I say if it doesn't make sense to you!)

I think we've been given a gift (although it sure doesn't feel like it!!) of seeing the opposite side of things. We just need to re-centre somehow. I'm sorry I've no idea how to definitely get there yet, I'm still working on it. I know for me it's from meditation and tai chi or yoga (but I much prefer tai chi - I find yoga a bit boring - so that's what I want to pursue!) And, I'm too anxious to meditate right now! So, I'm just working on things to try to bring the level of it all down enough that I can start a gentle tai chi class for beginners.

My friend's had a lot of similar problems and has started at a 'mindfulness' group which has helped her tremendously in just a few months :)

[eight days a week]

P.S. I've had CBT for six months now (weekly sessions of an hour) which have helped a lot, have you looked into anything like that on the NHS?

[chrissie1]

Well I have seen a therapist but I didn't like his style. He was all about changing things in my life-whereas I want help to deal with my thoughts. He was most dismissive about them and said we could all talk endlessly about "am I really here-is this a chair or a table" etc but it was pointless. Well yes I know in theory it is pointless-but that IS the point surely :shrug:.
I don't believe that could have been CBT although I did tell my GP what my problem was and I asked her if could talk to a CBT therapist.
I shall have to look into it. Could you tell me briefly how the sessions help you please? what form do they take?

[meditating_hamster]

Hi Chrissie, I completely understand what you mean about the depersonalization and existential thoughts. I've been thinking about this and I don't know whether or not this would help, but when you see others you're actually seeing them through a unique perspective. Because how you percieve them is based on your own unique experience of life, no one else will see/feel quite the same thing, even if the difference is subtle. I don't know if this makes any sense or not, I just wondered if it could act as an anchor to your sense of self by thinking about the uniqueness of your perception.Thinking of ways to handle this myself. I like 'eight days a week's' thoughts of it being a gift, there must be ways of taking advantage of the state of finding a good channel for it.

Sorry to hear about your therapist being unhelpful, not useful to tell someone their thoughts are pointless, it's dismissive. If you're thinking about them, it's because they're important to you, and I thought that's where the focus is meant to be, i.e you.

[lisa0406]

omg I can totally relate! I recently opened my own threas concering life after the DR - it is soooo overwhelming! At the moment I am unable to study because of the bad anxiety an the OCD stuff. My thoughts just don't stand still. And I look around in my room and I'm like wow this has nothing to do with me anymore!!
This thread is super old but well you know - just wanted to relate!

[NoPoet]

What's encouraging about the way people are talking about themselves as individuals. Nobody is referring to themselves as "we", instead you're saying "I". Therefore your sense that you exist in other people represents a phase of the illness, as you ask the important questions about who you are and why you're here. The difference between us and philosophers is that these questions terrify us and seem overbearing and impossible, while a philosopher who is not burdened with anxiety sees them as fascinating, mystical, or just a point for a good, imagination-stretching debate.

As ever, I would ask you to remember that your anxiety has changed the way you see the world - you have been lifted out of the ordinary, taken-for-granted world, and started looking more deeply and curiously at what's around you. Never punish yourself for that. You're seeing the world through new eyes. This is not something to be feared. It's character growth. You are growing and developing as a person and you're testing new boundaries. This is something to celebrate, not fear.

[inCOGnito]

Didn't realise this thread was so old before beginning to think about a response! It would be wonderful to hear an update from the two original posters but my guess is they have long since moved on (which is a good thing is it not :))

This issue I can relate to and can offer much insight. Although I haven't solved the issue as it is a difficult one to actually reconcile, only because of the emotional response is triggers.

One of the best metaphors is that of a river. you look at a river but it is constantly in flux, never the same river from one moment to the next. Your mind and body is like this, always in flux, changing. And the fear generated from DP is not because of the topic but because the mind gets very frightened as it wants to see itself as solid and as a thing it can neatly put into a labelled box.

[lisa0406]

@NoPoet wow thank you, your words are really calming me a bit at the moment. It's just you know - I never wanted to see the world differently! I liked my naive little me world, thinking about stupid love or what shoes I want to buy or what I want to become when I'm finished with uni. It just seems so unfair (being a bit of a crybaby here I know).
The DR happend - when it left, it left me behind with this existential crap and just threw me right off my one-way world perception. The problem is that I am studying cultural analysis which also involves philosophy, I have always been somenone to question life and love and what not, always an over-thinker, it was what I'm good at. But you know, mixed with anxiety it's like being incapacitated. And I just wanna be me again and not be frightened of the world and life, but instead being suffering from this new world view which is scary and overwhelming and which no 'normal' person can really relate to which makes it even worse and makes you feel isolated and alone. How can you explain that to a therapist? And how could he solve this? It really is ike a philosophical disease somehow.
Also, now everything seems so pointless - all these silly naive first world problems everyone has - all everyone is saying - it seems meaningless and foreign to me now - does that make sense? In a conversation with friends or else I'm always thinking something like "yeah wow I wish you would know what the **** I went through, this is all so pointless, I think I am losing my mind and you are talking about moving to Berlin to become a musician... -.-"
I really wish the orginial posters could see all this and tell us how it went on from 2011 on till now and how they got out of it.