View Full Version : H-OCD??
Hi
I am a 17 year old male, an believe I may be suffering with OCD relating to homosexual thoughts among other things and was wondering if you could give me any clarification as to whether I am struggling with this or am just using this as an excuse to hide my true feelings.
It all seemed to start about 9 months ago when a person at my college asked me if I was gay. My response was to say no and I had never even given this a second thought up until this point. The thought stuck in my mind. 'Am I Gay?' 'Why is this bothering me so much?' I began to think about this constantly, I was unable to take my mind off the thoughts at all and they seemed to just be continuously at the front of my mind. I had a girlfriend at the time (I will get on to that later) we had a very honest relationship and so I explained to her what was happening and we discussed it and fortunately the thoughts seemed to go. I thought at the time that it was just a normal teenagers worry although i was concerned about the seemingly irrational amount of time I spent worrying about it.
6-7 months later, I was thinking about my girlfriend (I was extremely happy with her and she was with me, we had been together about 18months at the time) when all of a sudden I began to think about one of my friends (girl), we were quite close but it had never been anythin more than friends for either of us. This thought went away quite quickly (about a day or so) but the thought of whether i truly loved my girlfriend stayed with me, this thought would not go, it was constantly in my mind and severely affected my college work, missed almost every lesson, had to force myself to eat properly, slept a lot more than usual, the thoughts were so constant they made me extremely tired however I would always wake up early (approx 1-2 hours earlier than usual) I again discussed these things with my girlfriend but this time I could not get rid of the thoughts at all. In the end I broke up with my girlfriend as I felt I had no other way of getting rid of these thoughts. (Thoughts lasted about 3 weeks)
These thoughts suprisingly did seem to go away (I question whether I made the right decision sometimes however they are not as disabling as before) I am still in constant contact with my ex girlfriend and she is still my main support and guide through all of this. We have talked about getting back together and things like that but I am frightened that all that would happen is the thoughts would return and I would end up hurting her again.
After I had broken up with her, approx 3 months ago, I thought to myself that sooner or later I was going to go back through the 'Am I gay?' phase again. As im sure you can guess, I was right. After obesessing (for about 3 days) about whether I wanted to go out with another one of my friends (girl again), it hit me, a constant nagging in my mind about whether I am gay or not, questioning whether I really do find that attractive girl across the street atractive or whether id rather really be with the guy behind her! I am a very big soccer fan and often play on a sunday night, however since these thoughts have began I do not go for fear that it will make the thoughts worse. The thoughts about being gay do not make me happy, the thought of being with another guy does not cause me pleasure. My thought pattern however will go something like, 'you don't wanna be with another guy', 'You do really, your just pretending to yourself you don't'. If I see a guy I won't find them attractive.. except the thoughts will kick in 'why did you look at him?' 'you wouldn't do that if you dodn't want to be with a guy'. I do now try to avoid situations where I think these thoughts will be worsened. The thoughts however are always in my mind somewhere and over the past month or so they have been predominantly at the front of my mind. I do not seem to have worse days and better days but I do seem to have the thoughts very badly for a few days/weeks straight, then they fade for a while, then they come back again.
I have also had some other thoughts however these
Hi Calv,
I can understand how upsetting this is for you.
The genetic worry may have been making this worry worse. The figures published do alter but the most quoted recently are an overall risk to first-degree relatives of schizophrenics of 3.2%. So that's much better news than previously thought a few decades ago. It's also thought there may a much bigger environmental component than previously acknowledged- which is essentially learned behaviour that you may have witnessed Mum and her fire checking.
It doesn't sound like you are having hallucinations or delusions which are the main diagnostic criteria. Just don't go telling the psychologist that your internal thought debates are 'voices' as some people have and got misdiagnosed ! If you don't want to wait that long and can afford it you could go privately for a one off session. You will probably get more time with them to explain things better which is important. When the NHS appoint comes up do take a written precis of what you want to say and what you want to get out of it as you may be nervous and find appropriate words hard to find .
Did you want the referral or did your GP ? They weren't very concerned anyway or you would have been seen within a week if he in any way thought you were, or could be a danger .
With any mental irregularity be it panic, depression, anxiety obsessive thoughts play a major role in starting and keeping us in the pattern- most of us here can associate with being plagued with disturbing or unwanted thoughts.
I was working on an ITU when the Beverley Allitt thing was on and I can remember reading the White Paper on it which was incredibly explicit. Every single one of us had a morbid wish to read it though. The discussions that ensued were amazing. It was obvious that most of us had thoughts after reading it that it was soo easy to do and when you're in total control of people and drugs our worries were people reading into things that weren't there and we were watching each other so carefully . We all ensured for weeks after that nearly everything we did was witnessed. On one shift of 8 of us, it transpired that we had all thought ' what if' .. each with our own what if that plagued us. That all passed though as the days went by and the topic became old news.
So thoughts are normal , whether you can dismiss them with a concious reality check is one of the two main issues ...the other being - do these thoughts scare you or comfort you.
I can associate with not wanting extra compounding of these by watching anything and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Gary often says - it's only a film- but someone wrote it, I say- what else goes on in their mind ...and I think I've got problems !
The gay issue is another thought led worry. Only you know whether it does bring you any joy or comfort. Perhaps you could go anonymously onto a chatroom, get a gay mag and see whether you associate with anything that goes on there . It's likely from what you say that these too are only stuck obsessive thoughts leading to lively internal debates.
I don't know whether that helps at all Calv ?
Do post again
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Thankyou for your response, it is nice to know that someone has spent the time to read my story and to respond.
It seems when it comes to the gay thing I exhaust one thought (not by finding a solution more by it just not havin any quetions left) and the next one relating to the subject will come along for example, 'You looked at that guy over there, you must fancy him'.. I'll think about that for a while, thought will seem really real, will feel very depressed over it maybe even slightly physically sick and then my tolerance seems to build to it, the problem is, as soon as my tolerance builds to that another thing will come along and kick me back down e.g 'You really want to watch gay pornography' again I will repeat the process.
From my reading online I seem to get strage messages, i'll read get all the information you can about OCD the more you know the better, the second saying the more information you gather the more questions you will have. My biggest fear is that I do not have OCD and am going to have to come to face my 'true' self, this thought genuinely terrifies me. I get no pleasure out of the thought of being gay although my mind will tell me that im just in denial and really i want it. I know from my research that this is a very common sign but obviously its hard to say for certain thats the case for me, particularly now i know about OCD. My ex girlfriend said to me that the thoughts caused you so much discomfort you researched factors which could affect them without you actually being gay, she has 1 or 2 gay friends and says they would never have done that. That gave me some short term relief but it doesn't last, again i know this is common for OCD but i believe would also be common if the issue was real.
I have done some very silly things in trying to defeat this such as online gay tests (all of which said i was straight), looking at guys to check if i find them attractive, looking at girls to see if i find them attractive. The two latter of these can be seen in some treatments (Behavioural therapy) and also as a compulsive ritual. I would say mine was the latter as the aim is to get some relief! The truth is the thought of being with another guy is the worst thought I can think of. I have a very slight cancer scare which I am also waiting to get checked out properly and if i were gay then I would much rather this cancer be a terminal illness. I know that sounds really stupid but it is the level of discomfort I get from these thoughts!
At the moment I am considering if there is anything about me, either present or past tht suggests I am gay and also if im just using OCD as a cover.
Again thankyou for your response, you cannot begin to imagine how good it feels to know somebody cares.
Calv
I completely forgot your question im my ramblings!
The doctor referred me without me asking him to. I had previously read about OCD though and have since worried that perhaps I influenced his decision by making things sound worse than they were (In truth I think I probably made them sound better!)
Calv
Hiya Calv,
I'm no expert but from reading your posts it appears that they are obsessional thoughts.
You say that the thought of being with a bloke is the worst thing you could think of.
I would have thought that, had you been gay, this would have been the BEST thing you could think of!
As I said, I'm no expert, these are just my thoughts after reading the information you have provided.
Kate x
Hi Calv and Welcome,
It sounds to me (an outsider looking in) as if someone has planted a seed of doubt and that has lead you to question your sexuality.
These seeds of doubt are quite a normal part of growing up, the worst thing you can do is worry yourself to death over them. As is the "do I love this person enough to say with them?"
You are finding your path in life, and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
I know people who are 100% straight and have entered in to a gay relationship. It doesn't mean they are gay, it is just a form of experimentation, and that too is a normal part of finding your pathway in life.
I think it is great that you have spoken to your girlfriend about your worries. Very brave indeed. I know people who would never have done that in a million years, and just waited for the flustration of not talking to drive them apart, rather than confront it head on.
Attractivity is in the eye of the beholder. There is nothing wrong with looking at people, be they male or female, and thinking, hey that person looks great. Just because you find someone attractive it doesn't mean you want to sleep with them and it doesn't mean you are gay, just because you think the person sitting in front of you has beautiful hair and looks well groomed.
Many people avoid things on tv, films or in books, so in that respect that is nothing to worry either. I for one just can not watch medical drama. I know people who love it, but for me, It fills me with dread, the accident waiting to happen in casualty. (And we know it is going to happen or the programme would be called something else.) Or someone being taken in to hospital with some horrid complaint, then spending the next few days or so thinking about a slight twinge (which you would never have noticed anyway, or would have put down to a stitch) which just so happens to relate to the disorder you were watching on tv the night before.
The next thing you know - bang! You are filled with fear and dread that you have some thing horrid.
I think seeking professional advice on your worries is an excellent plan.
Be sure to tell the person you see exactly what is bothering you and why.
Good luck
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
Hi again guys, thanks for all your responses. This issue does seem to be worse and better during the day, atm its difficult but bareable, however I woke up during the night and earlier this morning and I even found my breathing difficult! The fear I was going through was more than id ever experienced in the past! I am now terrified to look at other males for fear this will confirm my thoughts! Im even scared to look at females for fear I won't be attracted to them and this will confirm my thoughts. I know that with all this fear and worry it wouldnt be normal for me to not find females as attractive as I normally would as the fear would get in the way, with arousal and anxiety being independent things! Anyway im battling on but I seem to be generally deteriorating! Im now scared to see the psychologist for fear that they will try to tell me im in denial and try to convince me to come to terms with the 'new' me! I read that a very common thing with this is it comes out of the blue and makes no sense as its like an overnight change in direction! Thats what happened to me! Perfectly happy heterosexual and then BANG! doubts everywhere! Anyway thanks for all your help guys! Anythin else you can offer will be greatly appreciated!
Calv
Calv,
The worst thing about obsessional thoughts is that they are with you every waking minute of your day.
You go over and over the same questions in your mind, arriving at different answers each time. This then leads to further questioning,further answers and so the thoughts go on and on....
When the question of your sexuality first was mentioned, were you under a lot of stress anyway?
If you were, then this question could just have been the extra stress factor needed to really tip you over the edge.
I have a fear of violence which I have suffered with for many years, but which has got worse over the last 5 years or so.
I will not go many places for the fear of either being involved in an act of violence against me or witnessing an act of violence against anyone else.
This also causes me great embarassment. Not the kind of thing you can explain to friends or neighbours is it?
But, the point I'm trying to make, is that I also think of this ALL of the time.
I work through different thoughts in my mind, coming to different conclusions every time.
My life revolves round whether I can go places etc or whether they are deemed to be high risk for violence.
I have put all of my anxiety into this fear. Could it be possible that all your stress and anxiety has been put onto your fear of being gay even though you feel that you are not?
Perhaps your best course of action at the moment would be to stop reading anything to do with being gay or connected with OCD.
I know that it is all too easy with the internet to obtain too much information which leads to more questioning and more reading to attempt to get more answers.
How about giving yourself a break from the reading for a period of time and then review your feelings?
Just a suggestion because of course it is your decision how you wish to approach the situation.
Keep us posted, Calv
Kate x
Hi Calv
From what you describe it sounds to me like you are having obsessional thoughts. It is common to have thoughts such as these with OCD and I have experienced them myself. I sometimes worry that I might not love my boyfriend with no basis for these thoughts - much like you. I have also worried that I could hurt people and used to hide scissors and stuff just in case - they were described by my therapist as common intrusive thoughts.
Whether you are gay or straight does not really seem to be the issue, the issue is that you are obsessively thinking about it. But you have realised this is the case and the first step is realising that these are unwanted thoughts - the next step is learning to ignore them.
Good luck and I hope we can help you here.
Emily
Hey twister, thanks for the message, someone who has experienced the same problem as I have is particularly comforting to hear from (not that the other people weren't, you've all been great!). I often think if I could say for certain that these thoughts were OCD that would cure my problem, deep down I know that isn't the case at all! but it can feel like it! Is that common?! The thing I am scared of atm is that it is OCD but I could still be gay! Then its like a double edged sword! I have read that this is nomrlally however not the case!? I never really used to understand mental illnesses, I could never see why my mum was so depressed n why she got so down and upset. I think I understand that now and it is much easier to cope with her when she is like that so in that way this suffering I am going through is kind of good!
Thanks again for the post
Calv
Two simple questions guys, can OCD make you feel as if your not attracted to females? and from the info ive given you, do you think im gay?
Hi Calv
Deep down you know that we can't possibly tell you if you are gay or not. Becuase you are so worried or 'obsessed' with it I'd suggest that you are probably not though, but if you are is it that terrible?
If I were you I would try and ignore the sexuality issue for a few months whilst you sort your head out. Once you are more relaxed you will see things in a clearer way.
Keep posting
Emily
Being gay to me seems like just about the worst thing I can possibly imagine. I know that makes me sound homophobic but i don't think I am, it just doesn't feel like its me.
Sounds like you're answering your own question.
We are the sexuality we are, because we are attracted to a gender and derive some pleasure from being intimate.
Meg
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
Is it not possible that I would feel like I did not want to be gay but actually be gay?! Like do all gays not think that it is a horrible thing for them until they accept it? Im confused on that, that might really offend gay people if thats not the case and they never think its a horrible thing so if i have offended people then im really sorry, I just need to know these things so im not so tortured by this.
april tones
31-03-04, 19:22
hi calv, your story sounds alot like mine but nothing to do with my sexuality. Thoughts of sex with my fiancee popped in my head when i was playing with my baby and since then all sorts off thoughts come into my head, like i shouldnt think of things like that around him, im dirty, etc. Also constanltly worry about accidently hurting him since i accidently bumped his head. It is vicious circle. im on tablets now which has helped alot, they are still there occasionly but im stronger to cope, least we allmknow we not on our own thanks to this wonderfull site, take care, april
apriltones
Gav,
I don't know if you are gay or not but you hear of people getting married etc because they do not want to be gay! Whilst society today accepts gays it is something different and I think (men in particular) may have trouble admitting it to themeselves
It does sound to me though that you are getting very upset about the whole 'gay' thing and dwelling on it therefore listening to that niggling voice (your wee gremlin) that you are gay!!! and therefore making the thoughts 'worsen'
Everyone gets intrusive thoughts but it is when we listen to them and start really worrying about them that is the problem
I have had such thoughts and even though I knew I would never hurt anyone etc the thoughts still bothered me a great deal and I ended up thinking I was some sort of madperson and i was very scared I was going insane!!! Only with the help of my health visitor and a CBT therapist did I realize what they were and learned to let them go.
If you are gay I would imagine you would be aware and find yourself really fancing men (not just argueing with yourself in your head about it) and it would get very apparent to yourself soon.
I agree with Emily if you are gay it isn't so terrible but I can imagine you are very confused and are getting pretty upset about it.
I don't think you are homophobic but scared that your life may be 'different' I don't think that is possibly a normal reaction and I'm sure people will not be offended.
I hope this made some sense
take Care
lucky
'Like do all gays not think that it is a horrible thing for them until they accept it?'
I've got a few gay friends and they all report having the opposite ie being really attracted to men from very young and thinking that they should be attracted to women and worrying about whether to follow their instincts which were clearly pointing towards that bloke from an early age, rather than the fit chick at school and really trying to fight it outwardly but inwardly knowing all along form aged 9 or so.
One friend who's Dad is very anti Gay knew that he could never tell his parents and it was hard to practice, but he just knew through every pore of his being that he was gay.
There was no doubt in his heart but he had to be seen doing the girl scene and did struggle on with it for several years until he couldn't pretend any longer. He says it was the most awful thing for him being intimately close to a girl.
He's now in a great long term gay relationship and planning one of these civil gay 'marriage' ceremonies and I'm thrilled for him.
Meg
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
I have lots of gay friends too and they all say they 'knew' from a very young age. I think you know your sexuality deep down. It is simple - do you fancy men, women or both!
Emily
It does sound simple your right. This is the fourth time ive had these constant nagging thoughts that made me doubt. All three other times the thoughts have significantly calmed down, im not sure if they went completely or not but they didn't affect how I was and stuff. Ive always been attracted to girls and throughout my life everytime I looked at guys none were more or less attractive than any other I just knew that I didn't want to be with any of them like that! It seems like when I get these thoughts a switch has been flipped in my mind and there they are! Constant, nagging, terrifying and scarily real feeling thoughts! When the thoughts aren't constantly on my mind I feel no attraction to males at all and feel very attracted to females, when the thoughts are there my attraction to females seems to drop off and I get really anxious as though I really am attracted to males! Was put on tablets three days ago (Fluoxetine 20mg/d) the doctor warned me that over the first few days/weeks the thoughts may gain in strength and seem more realistic before the medication helps? Does anyone know if thats right? Ive got an appointment with a psychologist now but its a month away!!
Calv
Yes it is right , thy can take a while to settle down, gets easier as the days go by .
I havent been on for a while but I thought I should update, recently my tablets have seemed to help a lot with my thoughts and I feel much more like my normal self! Im not 100% but im significantly improved! thankyou all for your help
Calv
nomorepanic
26-04-04, 21:17
Calv
Good to hear from you again - nice to see people coming back to give us an update.
I am pleased that things look better for you now.
Keep us posted won't you?
Nicola
am glad to hear you are getting better!!!:D
Emily
Hi there mate.
Read through your post and I want you to know that there are a surpsingly large amount of people, as I never expected, who are experiencing what you are, which appears to be H-OCD.
I only realised that this was HOCD, for myself several days ago, and am know actively seeking a solution to bring myself back to reality and back to normal health! I've attached an article which has helped me a lot. In fact when I read in I burst into tears as there wasn't a single thing that I couldn't associate with. The more and more I look into it, the more comfortable I find it to label myself with OCD as well ... that acceptance really helps.
Anyway hope that it helps and gets you on the path to recovery ... don't worry it will go away as I hope it will (going from people who have suffered as well), it seems to be about training yourself more than anything! I think I have ROCD as well as HOCD but HOCD is by far more depressing to me then anything as a straight person. Anyway I here is is the link to the site is http://www.stuckinadoorway.org/. And the article is this -
ere is my experience with H-OCD. I hope you find it helpful. I posted it elsewhere on here before and people seemed to think it was useful. After awhile your posts get buried under other posts and I figured it might be time for a rerun. file:///C:/Users/Will/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.gif
Banishing H-OCD: My Story
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let me tell you how I got through my H-OCD, and I will give you a few essential strategies that helped me. First, I was not actually diagnosed with OCD when I went through H-OCD for 6 months at age 11 (right after I moved) or for 6 months again at age 22 (right before/after I moved again). I luckily have a father who is a pastor and counselor, and he has always been a wonderful voice of advice in my life. His guidance helped shape/form me in crucial ways.
Now for the specifics with my H-OCD:
1) First, I will point out that recent studies have shown that brainscans of people with OCD show that the part of our brains that is responsible for processing behavioral variations or inconsistencies (or something to that effect) does not quite function right. I think that speaks volumes about the fact that human sexuality is a messy business. Our minds can and do produce numerous renegade thoughts, and with OCD we see any deviations from what we see as the norm as being intolerable. But the fact is, YOU WILL HAVE DEVIANT THOUGHTS. Even the Kinsey reports conducted all those years ago demonstrated that heterosexual people can respond sexually to all sorts of strange things, and it is because sexuality is just really like that.
2) RECOGNIZE THAT THE THOUGHTS ARE EGO-DYSTONIC. The reason you do not feel "like yourself" is because the thoughts/feelings that result from this whole debacle you are going through are not OF YOU. They are described as intrusive, persistent thoughts precisely because that is exactly what they are. They do not originate from your sexual identity, nor are they characteristic of it. Ego-syntonic thoughts are ones (at least as I understand it) that seem to be more in line with who you are, how you experience everyday life, etc. I have found that with my R-OCD that it is difficult to identify and distinguish R-OCD thinking from that which is normal precisely because they are so similar, but they fallacious all the same! So recognize that the thoughts are not OF you, nor are they characteristic of your sexual identity. I had one thought that tormented me regularly, and only when I realized that its presence did not cancel out my heterosexual identity did I realize that it was insignificant in the long run.
3) ABOUT THE FEELINGS/GROINAL RESPONSE. There is a very real body/mind connection, and it is documented throughout the annals of modern psychology. The very notion, for instance, that a person can actually make themselves sick (psychosomatic illness) is based on this. David Burns' self-help psychology book "Feeling Good" puts it simply: "You feel the way you think." 'Tis true! And furthermore, in OCD research there is the very real phenomenon of thought/action fusion in which ones thoughts assume the same significance as actions, and in the case of sexuality, thoughts can produce the same feelings as actions can because of this phenomenon. So yes, you will feel strange things in your groinal reason, and to some extent you will feel them precisely because you fear that you will. But a feeling is distinctly different from volition (which I will talk about next).
4) Volitionally, people who are gay/lesbian are driven toward partners of the same-sex. When I say driven, I mean they could easily write what you did about your boyfriend when you were 18, and characterize it with all sorts of pathos and erotic sentiment. "I could do that too," you might say. But think about this: Have your homosexual inklings ever prompted you to action? And I do not mean experimentally, as many people on this board have reported attempting things to see whether they are gay or not. I do not think you need to look at gay porn, pursue a homosexual relationship, etc. to determine whether you are gay or not. What I mean is, IF YOU WERE TO UTTERLY ABANDON ALL WORRIES ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY, SETTING THEM ASIDE INDEFINITELY, WOULD YOU EVER (NATURALLY) ACTUALLY PURSUE A HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP? Based on what you have said, and what most people on here say, I would wager that you would not.
Let me phrase this another way for you. Let's say someone were to utterly erase your mind of the past two years. Let us suppose you never worried about your sexuality before. I would wager that the notion that you could be gay would be foreign to you, and it is because you are not gay.
5) You may think that confusion about your sexuality is what onset two years ago, but the reality is that being gay is the surface content and OCD is the root. The reason OCD shape-shifts from concerns about sexuality to relationships to who-knows-what is because THOSE SURFACE CONCERNS ARE NOT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM. I always say it is like having an allergic reaction and getting hives. If you think hives are the problem and you use a topical cream to treat them, the allergic reaction will remain untreated. But if you treat the allergic reaction with some awful, drowsy medication like Benedryl, the hives will go away. That is how it is with OCD to an extent.
6) And I would like to point out that prolonged anxiety of likes that accompanies OCD is able to utterly obliterate the libido or mask authentic, true feelings (again, which gets at the phenomenon of you not feeling like yourself). Your true self still exists behind the anxiety! THE TRICK IS TO STEP OUT OF THE ANXIETY, NOT TO SOLVE THE SEEMING SEXUAL DILEMMA. Here is how I do it: I recognize the onset of anxiety, of thoughts that cause me to "spike," and instead of refuting them or bracing myself for a battle, I let the discomfort be there without addressing it, and I do so with the rationale in mind that it is OCD, and not an actual concern about sexuality (or whatever else you happen to be worrying about). That is, it is OCD and therefore not characteristic of normal thinking - it is literally "disordered thinking" because it does not correspond with reality as your true self knows it (and again, this is why it feels alien). And again, this goes back to the ego-dystonic thoughts. So I allow the discomfort to remain, and I go about my life. I live. I choose to do other things, to play, to run amuck, to read, to write, to go to work, and gradually the urge to ruminate and resist the thoughts will lessen, but it is STRONG at first. You have to make a practice of it. Also, I have found that meds (I am on Paxil) are helpful for lessening the lifespan of an obsession and also make it easier to resist rumination.
7) Your overall mood affects you more than you can know, so really heed this one. I have found that a healthy and supple diet, mixed with rigorous exercise, and 7-8 hours of sleep a night produce the sorts of moods that help resist OCD. Depression is co-morbid with OCD often times, and I have found that diet, exercise, and sleep all help keep me out of that depressive danger-zone wherein I am likely to ruminate. During sleep, your mind replenishes its neurotransmitters (although in the morning your serotonin levels are actually low from what I understand, and this is also true when you are in love!), and during exercise your body produces feel-good endorphins. So this is a very basic, ESSENTIAL way to combat OCD. You treat the body and the mind.
8) Lastly, I learned to think about my H-OCD this way: I could really be 3% gay, or even 37% gay and still be heterosexual, really. I did not NEED to explore homosexual relationships simply because I was afraid of being gay, and neither do you. You can always CHOOSE to be in a heterosexual relationship, and it will always be true to you because you are largely heterosexual (and your past is evidence of this that you should absolutely bank-on). If you were 3% or 37% Republic and the remaining percentage you were a Democrat, you would probably ACT as a Democrat. Therefore, why worry about any negligible portions of yourself that would not even bother to act in a manner befitting a Republican? Recognize that with OCD, you have a tendency to thinking in all-or-nothing terms. Truth be told, we are messy creatures, and we both love our significant others and want to throw rocks at them when they annoy us, and it is really pretty normal!
Finally, with all of this in mind, if you actually WERE only negligibly gay, why worry about it? Why give it any real time? You are only tempted to do so because your OCD-mind wants certainty, and you will NEVER be able to reach inside and retrieve irrefutable evidence that you are gay or straight because those are human constructs anyway, and divisions that our world has emphasized repeatedly and imbedded deeply in your mind. You will NEVER be able to have certainty. So settle instead for uncertainty and living life despite the questions. You will find that the more you practice these things, the better you will be able to live and to apply them to other areas when your OCD hits them as well.
I write all of these things because I care about all of you. As a Christian I try to love other because God first loved me, and has called me to love others with my life. This is why I choose to be here.
- Captain OCD
Feel free to message me if you need, everyone needs support especially as with something as distressing as this.
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