View Full Version : Well I tried but I failed
I tried to come off of Citalopram twice because of the shame of being on them and the side affects. I've been off them for about a month now and I have never felt so rubbish. I've tried to achieve positive and important stuff today but have yet again failed. I've spent most of the day crying and telling myself what a useless ****er I am. I'm almost at the end of my tether here. I do not want to go back to get Cit again as I can't handle the sexual dysfunction and the suicidal thoughts it gives me. I really don't want to have to go cap in hand to the doctor and say I'm still ill I want to beat this ******* on my own even if it kills me trying.
Has anyone else had extreme negative thoughts after giving up Cit? I've just had to abandon a whole day to tears and I can't live like this anymore.
Hi Trundler, This sounds alot like SSRI discontinuation symdrome and not a recurrence of symptoms. I am not a medical professional but as far as i understand the onset of symptoms from a new bout of anxiety/depression tend to creep up slowly over time and not for at least a couple of months after you stopped taking the cit.
If you feel this bad after just a month it's far far far more likely to be discontinuation syndrome than anything else. I know when i came off the cit last year it took me about 8 weeks to get back to normal and i would have some awful, awful days where i thought it was all coming back but it was due to the discontinuation. (note: 8 weeks seems to be the upper end so don't be disheartened, 6 weeks seems about average)
This is completely common and many people have gone through the same and come out fine. Please don't be so hard on yourself :)
Thanks Idstain. I'll take on board the discontinuation syndrome. I quit the meds cold turkey. I'm determined not to go back on the meds though.
You might want to try some things like omega 3 fish oil supplements. They can be helpful with discontinuation syndrome. Best wishes with your journey.
Also the omega 3's are a good supplement for other things as well. They helped me improve my cholesterol, etc.
Why are you ashamed to be on them?
Why are you ashamed to be on them?
I'm ashamed to be on meds as it's a signpost to the world that I cannot cope. Having to consult a doctor about a mental problem is a bit well - yucky, for me at least. I swallowed my pride once and went to the doctor and went on cit then came off abruptly when I felt better, went back on them a month when I couldn't cope and when that supply ran out decided that I was going to try to beat this on my own. I don't want to contact MIND or anyone else like that as I don't want to be known as a 'mental health service user'.
I know my views are a bit odd but I can't change them. Apart from my wife and a few close friends nobody in my family knows that I'm ill and I want to keep it that way as I'm so ashamed.
try the living life to the full website
makes me sad that you are ashamed though, if you need to chat to someone pm me
THis is awful. I hate the way I live it isn';t even living anymore it's just existence. I've just cried off (literally) going to a community event that I'd already booked and paid for with lots of lovely people there because I feel so shite. I had a series or god awful nightmares last night which made me feel terrible this morning. I just want to curl up under the duvet and cry. I only feel safe now when I'm indoors and the door is locked. What tipped me over the edge was having to go to the event by bus instead of tube and the thought of changing buses in crowded and loud Camden Town freaked me out. I sholdn't be feeling like this I used to be able to get up on stage etc and be in all manner of freaky situations and I got strength from that but now I'm scared of my own shadow and I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. I'm no use to man nor beast at the moment. oh whats the point.
please don't be ashamed and contact 'mind' have worked for them, they are great!
please don't be ashamed and contact 'mind' have worked for them, they are great!
I looked at their local website and it didn't look very inviting and there is no drop in facility or anyting that would be useful to me, besides I'm terrified that if I go to mind I'll be tagged as a fraggle and that is a fate worse than death for me. I've done really well so far and only five people in my off line life know of my illness and to me that's already five people too many. I already quit facebook as I could feel myself about to become more openabout my illness and I couldn't take the risk.
i know how you feel, people used to say I was so strong and I felt I could do anything, but now I just lie on the sofa with my comfort blanket, but I am much better than I was 5 months ago, I was petrified of everything and couldnt do a thing, I certainly couldnt have gone out! I had to have the door locked but I dont now. you mustnt feel you are no use, because you are. I couldnt do any housework at all through terrible uncontrollable shaking but I can now, although still shaking and breathless and very slowly, retreating to the sofa and my blanket, my place of safety constantly, but I am able to do far more than before, they may be small steps but they are forward, its not easy and hell I know, you just despair, but you must keep hope. I hope you feel a little better soon and a lot better bit by bit, as it is :)
i know how you feel, people used to say I was so strong and I felt I could do anything, but now I just lie on the sofa with my comfort blanket, but I am much better than I was 5 months ago, I was petrified of everything and couldnt do a thing, I certainly couldnt have gone out! I had to have the door locked but I dont now. you mustnt feel you are no use, because you are. I couldnt do any housework at all through terrible uncontrollable shaking but I can now, although still shaking and breathless and very slowly, retreating to the sofa and my blanket, my place of safety constantly, but I am able to do far more than before, they may be small steps but they are forward, its not easy and hell I know, you just despair, but you must keep hope. I hope you feel a little better soon and a lot better bit by bit, as it is :)
That sounds similar to how I feel. The only difference is I sit in the kitchen and consume copious cups of coffee and fret about stuff and beat myself up about my weaknesses. I wish I could stop the nightmares they disable me for most of the following day when I have them and I have them on average once a week now.
I am trying to cut down the coffee as I have just learnt that it doesnt help anxiety, and I have beaten myself up, but that just makes you feel worse, you cant help what is happening to you, and I dont think its weakness. I dont have nightmares but I wake up early in a panic, the nightmares must be awful.
I am trying to cut down the coffee as I have just learnt that it doesnt help anxiety, and I have beaten myself up, but that just makes you feel worse, you cant help what is happening to you, and I dont think its weakness. I dont have nightmares but I wake up early in a panic, the nightmares must be awful.
The coffee doesn't help with the anxiety but it does seem to help with the melancholic lethargy which I hate myself for. I'm trying to beat this black dog by strength of will, If I can't beat it like this (and my experience with Citalopram was so awful that I don't want to go anywhere near antidrepressants again) then I am weak not just from a subjective point of view but from an objective point of view.
My current status is forcing myself to do housework and crying. Thank you for replying.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about. This isn't something you have chosen to have, and you have no more need to feel ashamed than if you were suffering with flu, or had broken your leg and needed crutches! I cut a lot of friends out when I was depressed, I just didn't want people to see me that way as it wasn't the 'real' me, and it's the same thing, this is just how the illness is making you feel. You are still the same person underneath:) It is however hard to explain to the lucky people who've never had to deal with anything similar... As for a sign of not coping, it makes no difference whether you take meds or not in that sense - It's just whether or not it works as a way to help yourself. If Citalapram makes you feel terrible, can you not try a different drug?? I didn't get on with Cit. at all. Took it for 48hrs and then went straight back to the docs saying ''no thank you - what else can you give me''!
Als to echo the coffee will definitely increase anxiety. Can you switch to decaff? (I know that's a dirty word for coffee lovers!) I only dare drink if I've been having a good week otherwise I can guarantee that it will unsettle me. I'm currently paying the price of having a mocha this morning and I'm now drinking 'calms' tea as antidote. I don't learn!!
You have nothing to feel ashamed about. This isn't something you have chosen to have, and you have no more need to feel ashamed than if you were suffering with flu, or had broken your leg and needed crutches! I cut a lot of friends out when I was depressed, I just didn't want people to see me that way as it wasn't the 'real' me, and it's the same thing, this is just how the illness is making you feel. You are still the same person underneath:) It is however hard to explain to the lucky people who've never had to deal with anything similar... As for a sign of not coping, it makes no difference whether you take meds or not in that sense - It's just whether or not it works as a way to help yourself. If Citalapram makes you feel terrible, can you not try a different drug?? I didn't get on with Cit. at all. Took it for 48hrs and then went straight back to the docs saying ''no thank you - what else can you give me''!
Als to echo the coffee will definitely increase anxiety. Can you switch to decaff? (I know that's a dirty word for coffee lovers!) I only dare drink if I've been having a good week otherwise I can guarantee that it will unsettle me. I'm currently paying the price of having a mocha this morning and I'm now drinking 'calms' tea as antidote. I don't learn!!
Decaff yeah not a problem I should really switch to earl grey tea. I'm mightly annoyed with myself that I've screwed up a nice day because of a nightmare. Re meds I know what I need which is something to take to calm me whenever I get freaked out but this method seems to have fallen out of favour with the docs - besides that I hate the 'medicated' and flat feeling that I had last time and I don't want that again - I can't see other drugs that work in a similar way not having these effects.
I know what you mean about not wanting to see anyone. I really don't even want to go to the shops today.
Asking for meds does make a difference in how I perceive my condition as to me asking for AD's is an admission that I haven't managed this at all when I should be able to. I don't want to admit failure it's really crucially important that I don't admit failure on this one. It would hit at the very core of me to fail at this.
I don't think you can say you haven't failed, you haven't given up :) And you say you are determined to beat this - that's not the sign of failure, that's the sign of positivity, strength and determination. Those are pretty strong words and presumably pretty strong feelings.
I do know what you mean about how AD's leave you feeling flat though - can't offer anything positive on that I'm afraid, because I had a similar experience! What about coping mechanisms for when you do feel like this? What things help you reduce the anxiety? If you can find something, and then learn that works,having something to fall back on when it kicks off can really help. My thing is this! http://www.twinings.co.uk/discover-our-range/benefit-blends/blended-to-calm/
Also, have you had any counselling? Or anything like that, CBT, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy or any of those types of treatments? My personal view of AD's is that they don't change anything in your life, and can only help you with how you feel, (ie treat the symptoms and not the cause). This is extremely useful when you are going through tough times and they helped me immensely when I was at my worst, but, unless your circumstances change, or you gain new coping skills, or whatever it is an individual needs to help recover or reduce the symptoms, then coming off meds will leave you to discover that you feel the same as you did before. =/
Whoops! Why cannot my illness be consistent. For the last few weeks I've been fine. Thanks everyone for all your help.
Nice to hear that Trundler, please don't be ashamed of your illness no one wants to be depressed/anxious etc and it isn't a life choice. For years I hid it and like you only close family and friends know of my 'problems' but over time I have come to accept who I am, and I realise it's part of me now and I have to deal with it when it pops up now and again.
I feel I will have major battles with my problems over the course of my life, I just hope I can be strong enough to fight it pound for pound when the times comes.
Keep strong!
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