View Full Version : Sexual intrusive thoughts
Please don't judge me, I'm 19 years old and the things I think off have made me cry for 2 months straight when this started, I hate them and would never act on them as I'm one of the most caring people a person could meet.
2 months ago I started to get (what at the time I didn't know what an intrusive thought was) sexual intrusive thoughts about children (:weep:), like I'd abduct a child or do something horrible to one, which I'd never even think of doing because of how horrific and how much it turns my stomach, now a days I think it's wrong if I look at a child at times because of these thoughts, sometimes I get thoughts that I'm attracted to a child (But I know I'm not because I know that's just sick and disturbing).
These thoughts disturb me for most of the day, every day. I went to the doctors about this and he told me all about intrusive thoughts and the only way they'll go is if you don't dwell on them and distract yourself, I have this huge fear that these thoughts will never go away, and will stop me from having my own children, because of the thoughts I have.
As I write this, I'm in tears, and it's taken a lot of courage to post this on a website. I feel I am alone in this, and nobody understands what I'm going through (even though I know there are people suffering from a similar thing). Will this ever go away, and let me get on with my life? I don't enjoy anything any more, I might get 5 minutes of peace from it, then it all hits me.
Please don't judge me.
- Ben
Firstly, well done for being brave enough to post about this. Let me tell you that you are not alone in having unwanted/intrusive thoughts.
When people have anxiety they are overly sensitive to every little sensation in their body and every thought they have. Because they are in a heightened state they over-analyse everything and scrutinise things. EVERYBODY has weird/horrible/disturbing thoughts sometimes. Thoughts randomly pop into our heads all the time and if we are tired or stressed it can be a load of old rubbish going on up there! Anyway, when an anxious person has a weird thought that they find distressing, instead of just shrugging it off like a non-anxiety sufferer, the anxious person dwells upon it and starts thinking 'Why did I have that thought, am I sick?' or whatever. They get a whoosh of adrenalin because the thought was unpleasant and because they are in a heightened state of anxiety they associate the thought with fear. And that's when the trouble starts. As soon as your thoughts frighten you and you dread having those thoughts, they start to come back again and again and you get more and more upset by them. The more upset you are about them the more they occur! It's a vicious circle!
When I'm tired I sometimes start counting things. When it first happened I got really distressed and thought 'Oh no! I'm going to be doing that all the time and it will never stop' and I became anxious everytime I started counting. But I realised I was making it worse for myself so I started telling myself 'So what if I count? Counting can't hurt me' and I started to ignore it and distract myself. I told myself that my mind was just playing tricks on me because I was tired. And do you know what? As soon as I started to believe that it stopped happening!
Your unwanted thoughts are horrible BUT if you don't give them any importance they won't be able to frighten you any more. You must find a way to shrug off the unwanted thoughts. You know they are not real because real child abusers enjoy the thoughts and don't get panicky about them. The thoughts are distressing and disturbing to you which means they are not real.
I wish you well on your recovery. Please don't be scared. xxx :flowers:
Thanks for your help, my parents are worried sick for me, I just thought there was seriously something wrong with me when it came to having thoughts of attraction, even though it makes my stomach turn and I know I'd never do such a thing.
I just hope it gets better soon :)
You can recover from this. My sister had intrusive thoughts about wanting to kill people. She never would really - she is the sweetest, kindest girl in the world but during an episode of anxiety the horrible thoughts struck when she was low. Her Dr put her anti-depressants and within a few weeks her anxiety AND the unwanted thoughts had gone. Has your Dr prescribed any medication for you? It might help.
He didn't prescribe me with anything, he just said keep yourself distracted and don't dwell on them, I think I might go back to him and ask for some counseling or I might ask him about joining a support group if there is one near where I live.
I think if the thoughts are affecting you as badly as you say they are it would be wise to consider taking medication as well as having therapy. Counselling is often more successful if it is done whilst using anti-depressants, although of course everybody is different. If you find it difficult to talk about this in detail with your Dr, you could perhaps print a copy of your original post to show him/her so they know how this is REALLY affecting you. Good luck whatever you decide to do. You can, and will beat this. :)
Will do, thanks for your support :)
You're welcome. That's what we're here for. :flowers:
Feeling pretty bad today, thoughts are constantly there, my heart keeps beating like mad when I think of something awful :(
I know. Try not to be frightened by the thoughts and accept them for what they are, just thoughts. They cannot hurt you, and they won't come true just because they are in your head. Relax, take a deep breath, watch a movie or read a book or something and try to distract yourself.
Will do, but one thing that freaks me out is when I get an erection now at any time (because of these thoughts I think I'm doing something wrong :( ) Is that a bad thing? Especially in the morning when I wake up. I hate that the thoughts are trying to tell me that I like it, BUT I REALLY DONT!!!!! :(
I think I'll have to go to doctors and go on anti-depressants.
I think most men wake up in the morning with an erection, especially younger men and it has nothing to do with what they are thinking. I wouldn't worry about that. :winks:
Now stop dwelling on these thoughts and try to distract yourself. I think it would be a good idea to go back to your Dr about this, not because the thoughts themselves are anything to worry about, but because you are clearly very anxious and you need something to calm you down.
Will do, you are very helpful, I'm very grateful for that.
Thanks a lot.
That's what this forum is for, supporting each other through difficult times. :flowers:
Every time I get a thought I ask myself what if I am this person, even though I know I'm not. Like the worst thought is the attraction one, and the thoughts keep telling me that I am even though I'm not, and it hurts so much, more than anything in the world, my heart starts beating really fast when this particular thought comes into my mind? Is that anxiety?
Every body keeps telling me that this will go away and I'll be able to look at a child again with having such terrible thoughts, but I somehow convince myself that it won't happen. When I look at a child it reminds me of those horrible thoughts and I'm like (NO I WILL NOT DO THAT, THAT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME), but then the thought gets stronger and stronger, but it's so hard not to fight when there is a thought like "Your attracted to a child" which is horrific, and it's just a reaction to say "no I'm not, that disgusting", and then it gets worse and the thought tries to convince me that I'm this horrible person.
Is this normal for someone with OCD/intrusive thoughts? This is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced, sometimes I don't even want to sleep in case I have a nightmare about it.
I'm scared..
OK. Look at it this way. I'm attracted to men. I don't need to ask myself whether I am or not. I just know I am. The key here is you asking yourself 'WHAT IF I am this person?' If you were what you fear being you wouldn't be saying 'WHAT IF?' You would just know. The thoughts are distressing to you which is why your heart beats faster. An increase in heart rate is a classic anxiety symptom.
You are only having horrible thoughts around children because you have convinced yourself that you will and you've got yourself into a vicious circle. It's a bit like when someone says 'Don't look behind you' and you know you shouldn't look but you can't help yourself!
Yes, this is exactly what happens when you have intrusive/unwanted thoughts which is an type of anxiety disorder. You will get better but do seek medical help.
If you type 'paedophile' into the search box at the top of this page you will see there are lots of people who have the same fears as you. It may help if you read those posts as you are definitely not alone in this.
Mind just keeps playing tricks with the whole attraction thing, it really does distress me, been crying all day, because I know i'm not this person but the thoughts make you think you are.
That's why they are called unwanted/intrusive thoughts... because they are INTRUSIVE!!!
Is it wrong, when I have these thoughts when I hear on the TV the word "paedophile" that my heart starts beating faster? Or is it because I fear that word because I'm disgusted by what they do, and fear every becoming one?
Sorry for so many questions, I'm new to this OCD/intrusive thoughts.
The racing heart when you hear the word 'paedophile' on TV is normal for someone with unwanted thoughts about paedophiles. Thoughts about paedophiles are your own particular unwanted thoughts (people have different unwanted thoughts) and anything that reminds you of that will trigger anxiety and fear. You have got all the symptoms of unwanted/intrusive thoughts which is an anxiety disorder. Did you read the other posts about it by typing 'paedophile' into the serch box on this website? I think it would help you to see that you are not the only one suffering from this awful condition.
Yep, I did and it helped a bit.
Like I wanted to volunteer for the NSPCC, but this has stopped me because I fear that if I look at a child below there neck, I'm doing something wrong (even though I know I'm not?) if that made sense. So when I'm in a busy area where this is children I always keep my head high or the other way.
I would never wish this upon my worst enemy as it's the worst thing I've ever gone through (and my best friend came close to dying from cancer).
I know this is extremely distressing for you but you can get over this with the right help. I think you will need CBT to help you control you unwanted thoughts, but your Dr will decide what is best as he/she will know your history.
Can I ask you how highly success rate CBT is? and what does it do?
I hate that my mind/thoughts are trying to convince me I'm something i'm not.
Hi Soler,
So sorry to hear how you ve been suffering with this. I totally understand what you re going through, my son was diagnosed with OCD at age 16 (he s now 25), he had many intrusive thoughts which were extremely upsetting for him at the beginning. The thing with OCD is that when you deal with one thought, another completely different one usually replaces it. CBT has taught him how to deal with it and how to break the cycle. He also takes Flouoxetine daily which is an anti depressant, he now manages the OCD and it no longer rules his life. He is anxious by nature as I am, thats why Im on this site! I have my own anxiety issues lol!! I was worried sick just like your mum, but please take heart and know that you can overcome this. Please tell your doc, he ll be very sympathetic, you dont even have to be specific about your thoughts if you dont wish to. Just tell him they re very distressing.
Wishing you well!
Jillybean.:hugs:
Hi Soler,
So sorry to hear how you ve been suffering with this. I totally understand what you re going through, my son was diagnosed with OCD at age 16 (he s now 25), he had many intrusive thoughts which were extremely upsetting for him at the beginning. The thing with OCD is that when you deal with one thought, another completely different one usually replaces it. CBT has taught him how to deal with it and how to break the cycle. He also takes Flouoxetine daily which is an anti depressant, he now manages the OCD and it no longer rules his life. He is anxious by nature as I am, thats why Im on this site! I have my own anxiety issues lol!! I was worried sick just like your mum, but please take heart and know that you can overcome this. Please tell your doc, he ll be very sympathetic, you dont even have to be specific about your thoughts if you dont wish to. Just tell him they re very distressing.
Wishing you well!
Jillybean.:hugs:
Thanks, it gives me heart known that someone with something similar has got control of it.
It's an absolute killer that the thoughts try to convince you are something you're not, especially when the thoughts are "your attracted to that child.." and I tell myself I'm not which makes the thought worse, I need to learn to stop fighting it, but who wouldn't when a thought is trying to say you are something you are disgusted by and fear of becoming. I then ask myself "What if I am capable of this?" even though I'm not, which makes my anxiety really bad. When I see a picture with a child in it, my anxiety gets really bad and is like "you're doing something horrible" even though I know I'm not.
Only time I get peace is when I sleep and even then I'm scared of having a nightmare about it.
I'm going to talk to my doctor tomorrow about CBT, I hope it helps if my doctor lets me have it.
A true paeodophile wouldnt think its disgusting, that s why I believe you re certainly NOT one. You re completely normal except for extreme anxiety, and that does weird things to us. Thats why we re all on this site! Remember it.
Take care! Jillybean :flowers:
Does intrusive thoughts/OCD play tricks with your mind? Like I know I'm not attracted to children because the thought of it distresses me, and my anxiety goes off the rickter scale when I think of it. but the thoughts make it seem that I am?
So does your intrusive thoughts play tricks with you and make it feel like you are something you're not?
That scares the crap out of me, I know I'm not but it seems my mind is playing tricks with me.
Yes intrusive thoughts play tricks on your mind because you are in an anxious state so the thoughts frighten you. Basically the anxiety is making you obsess over a thought you find unpleasant. Being obesessed with a thought does not make it 'real'.
Ahh, I got really scared earlier as I was watching the movie 'orphan' not sure if you've seen it but when I was watching it, this re-occuring thought came into my mind like "Your attracted to her" and I had such bad anxiety, I just said to myself "no im not!!!" which is probably the worst thing to do because fighting it feeds it, right?
I swear the mind is a powerful thing, giving me a horrible thought that I'm attracted to a child and trying to convince me I am, even though I know I'm not.
Thank god, it was my mind playing tricks with me because THAT thought seriously freaks me out.
Going to speak with my doctor tomorrow about getting me CBT therapy :)
I'm not sure whether fighting the thoughts feeds them, but being scared of them certainly makes them worse! When I get an unwanted or frightening thought I say to myself 'So what if I'm thinking that, it's just a thought and it can't hurt me' or 'I'm just tired and my mind is playing tricks on me' or 'My thoughts won't come true just because they popped into my head' or 'Everybody has funny thoughts sometimes, I'm just thinking about them too much because I'm stresssed' etc.
Good luck with your Dr's appointment tomorrow. Explain that your intrusive thoughts are seriously affecting your life to the extent that you are avoiding situations for fear of you thoughts coming true (you don't have to say what they are if you are embarassed) and ask whether anti-depressants would also be useful to you because you do have an anxiety disorder. Also explain that you can't even watch a movie without the unwanted thoughts frightening you. It might help if you write a list of the ways in which it affects you because most people don't remember everything they want to say during their appointment.
Okay, when I get past this, you'll be the first person I'll thank.
You've been very helpful and supportive, thanks a lot.
Hi, Shoegal has given you some great advice and I agree, meds may help a lot at the minute so will CBT or any distraction. Intrusive thoughts are horrible but they will stop eventually so please believe that. also one of the most important things is the fact that these thoughts are upsetting and scaring you so much. The people who do harm children and others deliberately think of awful things as they get a kick out of it, which is the total opposite of what you are experiencing x
Thanks :)
I see you're from Northern Ireland too :)
Got a doctors appointment for tomorrow.
The attraction thought really does scare me, it makes me think I am. Even though I am not , and it doesn't go away and I don't want to look at a child because thats the thought that comes into my head and I just want to run in the other direction :(
I hope this will go away.
Have you been to the Dr's yet and what did he/she say?
My appointment is tomorrow instead (he fell ill last night)
Oh dear. Well good luck for tomorrow and let us know how you get on. :flowers:
Will do, I'm just very scared at the moment, they seem to real. Can't stop crying.
I found a thread on another site which gives me great hope with CBT therapy.
http://www.neuroticplanet.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=12687&p=59348
Starting to feel terrible again.
This is so distressing, when my anxiety goes and the thought is still there I literally **** myself, is this a bad thing or is this just normal?
Soler, this is called the 'back door spike'.
This article is fear of being gay, or HOCD (Homosexual OCD) but it may help you understand what you're going through. There is a part about the back door spike in here too.
http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php
Ahh, can I ask you one question though, that distresses me more than most?
Can someone please explain something?
I'm not attracted to a child (I'd rather die), but why does my mind/thoughts make it seem so?!?!?! Is it because of what I fear most and OCD plays on it? I'm seriously scared to death that this thought won't even go away :(
This is very distressing and is killing me inside, PLEASE HELP.
Hi, I suffered from a bout of intrusive thoughts. I found the following references very useful as they helped me to make sense of these thoughts. I hope they can help you to do the same.
References:
1. http://ocdzone.wordpress.com/2012/09/18/video-by-dr-phillipson-the-treatment-of-the-pure-obsessional-and-other-matters/
2. http://ocdzone.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/thinking-the-unthinkable/
3. http://ocdzone.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/rethinking-the-unthinkable/
4. http://ocdzone.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/when-seeing-is-not-believing-a-cognitive-therapeutic-differentiation-between-conceptualizing-and-managing-ocd-a-prelude-to-cognitive-behavioral-techniques-for-the-treatment-of-ocd/
5. 'The imp of the mind', Lee Baer (2001)
6. 'Overcoming obsessive thoughts', Christine Purdon & David A. Clark (2005)
7. http://www.theemotionmachine.com/how-to-disempower-intrusive-thoughts
8. http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_worrying_thoughts.html
Take care and best wishes.
Thanks for that Here2Help, I get intrusive thoughts, but in some respects it goes hand in hand with Agoraphobia, but more recently I convinced myself my wife was having an affair, based on no grounds what so ever, but I was still able to find something that could full the thoughts and its surprising how quickly your mind can make it seem fact, in two weeks I became distant towards her and she knew something was wrong, luckily I didn't confront her, there was still enough trust to get past it, could of been really damaging otherwise.
Like everyone has said keep busy and try to dismiss the thoughts
I had a horrible nightmare last night about my dad kidnapping a child, I don't know why because I have the best dad in the world and it really freaked me out.
So Here2Help
Sometimes the thoughts can get so bad that they feel REAL even though they're not?
Does OCD/POCD feed on the things you fear most?
Being attracted to a child is like my biggest fear, and it seems like thats why it seems so real, even though it's not because I hate it so much!
Yes, unfortunately intrusive thoughts can come to you in the form of nightmares (I have had experience of this myself so I know this can most definitely happen). It is a very scary and shocking experience at the time you wake up and it does feel very real. However you have to remember that what goes on in nightmares has nothing to do with what happens in reality. Here's a possible explanation of what is going on.
From what I can tell (based on the things I've read) the subconscious part of the brain is still active even when you are sleeping. It can therefore still act on any anxiety which is present. Therefore it is not too surprising that these thoughts can start to appear in nightmares or are the first things on your mind the moment you wake up.
Hope this helps.
Yes, unfortunately intrusive thoughts can come to you in the form of nightmares (I have had experience of this myself so I know this can most definitely happen). It is a very scary and shocking experience at the time you wake up and it does feel very real. However you have to remember that what goes on in nightmares has nothing to do with what happens in reality. Here's a possible explanation of what is going on.
From what I can tell (based on the things I've read) the subconscious part of the brain is still active even when you are sleeping. It can therefore still act on any anxiety which is present. Therefore it is not too surprising that these thoughts can start to appear in nightmares or are the first things on your mind the moment you wake up.
The important thing to always keep in mind is that these thoughts are not important. They are crazy risk assessment thoughts, caused by catastrophic thinking, triggered by high anxiety. Let them flow in and out of your brain without any mental resistance. This should lower your anxiety and reduce the occurrence of these intrusive thoughts. Also start concentrating on other things in life.
Hope this helps.
I'm trying this, but it freaks me out and it feeds on the one thing I'm most scared of, and makes it feel real and that I am attracted to a child.
It's so frightening.
Going to my doctor in 30 mins.
OCD is commonly referred to as the 'doubting disorder' (i.e. it keeps getting you to question your morals and beliefs). Yes, it does act on any fears you may have and creates intrusive thoughts about them. However, by understanding and coming to terms with the process of what is going on, these thoughts will hopefully have less and less power over you.
I've been told to stop reassuring myself because that makes it worse, it's just hard not to.
Went to the doctor, got refereed to a psychiatrist.
There was kids in the waiting room and I felt bad because I seen one of their nappies, and was anxious as hell, but then I thought of how adorable they were and how I would never harm one because that is just pure evil and it made me angry that I had such thoughts.
deepreason
24-05-11, 20:48
Have a read of this article and some of the other stuff on this site mate. It should help put your mind at rest that you aren't alone, not by a long way and there's no way you will act on the thoughts because you find them so scary and repulsive.
http://www.ocduk.org/obsessions-compulsions
Why is this ****ing with me? I now have a thought that I'm not attracted to women?????
I'm ****ing frightened.
Has your doc said how long you have to wait? There are private CBT therapists you can see. Im sure your doc could recommend one if you cant wait. But please believe that this is just the condition messing with your head! As your doc said, not asking for reassurance is the key, by asking for it you are feeding and reinforcing the thoughts. You have to break the cycle, a bit like a phobia, facing it makes it weaken. Im not saying dont come on this site, just try to be positive about your progress. Dont give these thoughts credibility, they feed on your fear. Its not easy but you will overcome this!
:bighug1:
hiya, i used to have these thoughts that id harm my children!!its the worst thing in the world as ive never even smack them!!!its all anxiety its horrible x
Hi Soler
For most of us blokes, the thought of being branded a 'paedo' is the worst thing imaginable. I would rather be found guilty of mass murder than have even the slightest suggestion of kiddy fiddling. Unfortunately, as part of your OCD, you have picked up on this and it has become an obsessive thought. When you see real 'paedos' on the TV or read about them in the media though, they don't see it as disgusting, they try and justify it in their warped sense of reality. You know you find the whole idea repulsive, so try and take comfort in the fact that you are definitely NOT one!
Tyke
I hate this, it feels so real, I'm disgusted by myself for having such thoughts, I'll never harm a child in my life, I hate this so ****ing much, I just want to go back to being happy again, which seems like IT'LL never happen.
If I see a child I'll be tempted to look over, but I won't because I think I'm doing wrong.
One things my dad said was 'It's your thoughts that are attracted to children, not YOU"
WHY DOES IT SEEM SO REAL? I'm so ashamed of myself for having such thoughts.
Also I'm too scared to let them roam free in my mind because I fear that if I do, that I am this person. I also feel like I should never be happy with these thoughts in my mind because it's like I'm happy about having these.
I just want to go back to how it was 3 months ago :(
Hi Soler
Did they tell you how long you would it would be before you get to see the psychiatrist? If you feel desperate in the meantime it might be worth phoning NHS Direct and seeing if they can put you in touch with the emergency mental health team in your area. You can also go down to casualty if you are really distressed. The Samaritans are also good for support if you just need someone to talk to.
Tyke
They said they'd be in contact sometime next week.
I just feel like I won't recover from this, I just want to live a normal life again and be able to grow up and have my own children, but this just seems to kill me inside.
Hi, I suffered with these thoughts and also cruelty thoughts too. Its called pure o. the thing to remember is your not wierd, no matter how distressing they are their just thoughts
be kind to yourself
xxxx
they have eased as i dont analyse them no more..its the no longer mattering what you think that counts xx
Freaking out, I had a wet dream last night and I don't know why?!?!?!?! Ffs sick of these ****in thoughts
Is this normal?
The thoughts aren't affecting me as much, but they are still there (if you know what I mean?), but yesterday I was at the Cinema and I didn't want to go to the toilet incase there was a child there because I had this horrible thought of me doing something terrible (even though I would never do such a thing).
Also will these thoughts ever go away for good over time or will they always be there but won't affect me as much?
I went out with loads of people last night and I wasn't really bothered by my thoughts because I was with all my friends, but at one point when I was sitting there not talking to anybody I got some terrible thoughts and said '**** this' and got up and talked to someone to distract my mind.
I still can't look at a child though because I get the whole 'Your attracted to that child' thought which I don't. I seem to be getting a little better at dealing with the thoughts (I still have my really bad days though).
Should be going to a psychiatrist this week so I can be diagnosed with what ever I have, and get me started on CBT Therapy.
Just thought I'd update you guys on how I'm feeling.
colliver25
30-05-11, 19:27
Hey Soler. I have had obsessive thoughts on a different topic and I found the best way to deal with them was to let the thoughts come without resisting or recoiling from them. I know the thoughts you have are disturbing but just remember they are only thoughts. You won't and don't have to act on them.
Let all the thoughts flow through your mind without judging or fighting them. Eventually they will lose there power over you. If you fight them or try to prevent yourself thinking about it they will become stronger and more disturbing to you.
Don't think about pink elephants - what just came into your head - a pink elephant! You can only consciously not think about something when you are thinking about it!
I'm sure you'll eventually be fine!
****ing horrible thoughts that I want to do something horrible to child, makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes it feels like I'm thinking these things which scares the **** out of me, because I'd never do anything harmful to a child.
:(
Are those thoughts normal? I have a thought like
"I want to ...... to a child" and I'm like "surely that's me thinking that?!!" and I freak out thinking I've thought of that, and I get really bad anxiety, and it's an obsessive thought.
Freaking out because I'd never do anything to a child but the "I want to" thoughts are freaking me out.
colliver25
31-05-11, 20:22
When you have those thoughts you need to stop being critical of them - just let them 'float' through and out of your mind without judging them. What you need to do is, paradoxically, welcome those thoughts - safe in the knowledge that no matter how horrific the thoughts are you won't and don't have to act on them.
I try to, but it's just a reaction to when you get a thought "I want to harm a child" or an even worse thought similar to that, to say "I don't!"
I just freak out because I would never harm anyone in my life unless they harmed me or a family member and to get thoughts saying "I want to" do something disgusting to a child scares the absolute shite out of me.
Hey Soler,
Sounds to me that your thoughts are more like words and phrases coming into your head. Your brain is acting on your anxiety and fear of these phrases and coming up with new ways to make them even more shocking and disturbing (e.g. by putting "I want to" in front of them). Again, the same thing applies to these new phrases as with the previous ones - they don't apply to you. These new ones only apply to people who really want to carry out such acts and who don't find them shocking or disgusting. Clearly you are not one of these people so you have nothing to worry about. If you keep giving these phrases too much importance and credibility your brain will continue to think up even more shocking phrases - that's just the way this process works.
I have updated my long post on page 5 of this thread. Hopefully you will find something in it which makes sense to you which you can use to help you get over this. I have beaten my horrible thoughts by using all the information contained in that post. I'm pretty sure it won't work for everyone but it definitely worked for me.
Take care everyone.
I just hate that it feels so real :( I'm scared that this won't go away and I'm really this awful person :(
princesspanic
01-06-11, 21:40
hey soler just so u know u are not on ur own, i have exactly the same ocd as you msg me if u wana talk i have exactly same symptoms too, i know its horrible xx
Hey Ben,
thanks for your words and I am here ANYTIME you are having a bad day. I hate the days when the thoughts are taking control. It feels good to have someone to talk to and understand.
your new friend,
sydney
ciccone-hassell
11-06-11, 22:34
hey soler , 1stly i agree with other member for saying well done for having stength to post that dont feel scared you doing the right thing by showing you wish to fight theses feelings , everyone has diffrent things and nasty feelings run though there minds :( " its not easy and if i said that its not scarey i,d be lieing " but remain strong , remain brave and keep talking that will in turn help you on your jorney of becoming well :) ,, i find gettin my favorate music on and got walk and have a good sing song " makes my mind shut off " or a good movie :) i would say watch a tv show but tellys rubbish hehe , na just keep at it your gunna win this :)
Hey guys, starting to get my life back together!!! :D
Started going out with friends, which has helped me a great deal and I'm going to therapy soon!!
Just thought I'd update you on how things were :D
EvaSunshine78
12-06-11, 11:05
I hope you are feeling better! I suffer from the same. Big hugs! xx
sillysillysoph
13-09-11, 23:38
I have really awful thoughts too, stay strong :) x
Hey guy's just thought I'd update you on how things are going.
My life is sooo much better now, I just started my 4th year in college doing Animal management,(I'm hoping to go to South Africa next year to do volunteer work with lions) I've started to go out with my friends again (when I suffered from these horrible thoughts I never went out!!). I can now go to public places without getting mad anxiety if I see a child :D, never thought I'd see the end of this but I have (I know they can come back at anytime but I've learnt how to deal with them).
You will recover from this (I never believed I would even though everybody was telling me I would) I'm now very happy and looking forward to life.
Thanks for all the advice when I needed it guys, it really helped :D
Im so glad you are happy now, about 2 years ago my intrusive thoughts started, it got a lot better but lately ive been so stressed, and now they're starting up again. The thoughts dont bother me as much any more but its the feelings and sensations that really do the damage.
Good job seeing your friends again, i believe that was what made me better the fastest, you dont realise how much you've missed them until you actually start going out with them again.
Hey Soler,
I can tell you I went through the exact same thing. I suffered for 9 years with it until I finally got brave enough to seek help, and guess what? Since having CBT I've completely overcome my OCD and rarely if ever have an intrusive thought and even when I do it doesn't affect me.
I cannot recommend enough getting CBT.
Hi, don't you worry, I'm 18, had the exact same thing, I was 16 and 17 at the time. I was thinking about it all day everyday, I have a little sister and couldn't look at her the same any more as my head thought (not me) that I am attracted to her even when I know its very wrong, everytime i look at her I get scared, I to seeked help from here and the docs, they were kind and reassuring, They just said to stay strong and ignore,
a year has gone by, and Im better than fine, If I wanted to I could get the disturbing thought and not care, I would just brush it off again.
If your scared about becoming one, then you wont because obviously you don't want to be one because your scared. your not sick at all, the sick ones are who want it and like it.
This is me 2 years ago, and look at me now, not afraid to read about it and answer questions.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=67127
yes I have had awful thoughts too , some really awful graphic ones that happened over time.. it just happened because one day whilst masturbating I thought of a family member and I was like noooo and I really felt disturbed and sick by it , and then my thoughts were like what if I start thinking of these thoughts and then these and it was as if my mind was trying to give me the sickest thoughts possible, its not nice. The worst thing for me is I feel super awkward when i'm in situations where people mention certain things that I have been thinking about and I automatically go red and it annoys me so much
---------- Post added at 02:02 ---------- Previous post was at 02:00 ----------
By the way I love this dude hes awesome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-HOdFRxFVc
Hey guys I'm back just to give you a quick update..
Past few weeks I've been finding it hard, been getting thoughts and I've been struggling to deal with them, went to see my Psychiatrist last week and was talking to her about recent event in my life (I was told one of my dogs had to be put down soon :( ) also I stopped going out because I've had so much work to do for college and she said this could of triggered it again and that I just have to deal with it the way I did first time around.
I'm now having good and bad days, but I know I'll get out of this again and enjoy life again. Just hate when they seem so real although I know they're not!!
Just thought I'd give you an update :)
Chillihead
23-02-12, 09:17
Hi Soler
I'm sorry your struggling again, I feel your pain my friend. I have these awful thoughts, I keep checking pictures to prove to myself I'm not attracted to kids and although I know I'm not I still get the doubts and it scares me. I've never been attracted to kids in my life but everything seems so real. I've been taking citalopram for nearly 8 weeks now and it hasn't done much yet. I understand if you have OCD the meds may not start working for 10-12 weeks. I find it hard to accept as anxiety because everything seems so real. If you ever need to chat just pm me and I will try and help you
Hey guys just another quick update...
I'm back to seeing my psychologist again tomorrow, I've had a pretty miserable week thought wise. (The attraction thought has had my anxiety levels ridiculously high).
I got over it before, and I will again. Just hard times with my dogs not being very well, which might be the cause of it.
I started dwelling on my thoughts which I know I shouldn't do as it will put more horrible things into my mind, so I'm going to start jogging and joining the gym finally within the next month.
My only problem is I've been told to not only distract my mind but to let the thoughts come into my mind and to just let them roam free (This is the part I find most difficult).
However the last time I seen my Psychologist she reassured me I'm not one of those horrible people because I wouldn't be talking to anyone about my thoughts if I was.
Can anyone give me a few words of encouragement to help me back on the right track again?
Thanks again :)!
Dear All
I have being struggling with a similar problem to Soler and i have being to see a psychologist for the first time last week because like soler my thoughts were killing me and were getting very disturbing, In reading these posts it has helped me so much, you read so much junk online thinking that your a monster and a peadophile and the reality is that your not and your anxiety is killing you like me.
I would really to Thank you and a number of other posters on here who have restored my confidence because it so hard to think you are on your own in this and no one understands.
Soler and Heretohelp you have being a real source of inspiration to me in recovering my former happy self and the thoughts are getting less and less frequant.
Once Again Thank you ever so much for your advise it has really helped me
kashameets
21-04-12, 18:28
So sorry you are feeling like this but the things you have to remember which are a fact is that pedophiles do not get upset by there thoughts or images they enjoy them , they do not feel bad about them upset or ashamed by them...... a pedophile does not abuse a child because they cant help it they do it because they WANT TO..... a pedophile is not attracted to a child because of how it looks because they fancy it like when an lad looks at a girl in a nightclub..they are not attracted by the physical appearance of a child they are attracted to the ability to cause pain and suffering to the child...they are attracted to abusing a child because it gives them a sense of power and control, they are more powerful than a child... they enjoy hurting a child..they like the pain they cause and the shame and fear they make the child feel...child abuse is not about love or sex its about power and control just the same as when a man rapes a woman he does not do that because he sees a woman he fancies and wants her he does it because he wants to over power her, control her and hurt her.....the fact you are upset by the thoughts and images proves that you are not a danger to children and you are not a pedophile.....ocd will find the worse thing it can to torture you with and this is YOUR worse thing nothing more :)
Hi - just reading through the threads. My dog died in Oct nearly 14 very suddently - loved her to bits - my irrational thoughts came flooding back - I was on Prozac for 15 years but prior to this I was always having funny thoughts - and like would not hurt a fly! I saw a psychiatrist on Thurs and he said Irrational thoughts are so so common - especially centred around children - would you attack them, etc,. I digress but the Prozac stopped all of this and my life was much better. When my dog died the Prozac stopped working and bang thoughts came back from all directions, would I stab someone? am I a psychopath!! He diagnosed me with OCD - the thoughts not the rituals and it really made sense! and anxiety and depression but he said the anxiety was fuelling it. So am being prescribed Citalopram and small dose of Olanzapine?? and lorazepam.
They are totally debilating and totally irrational but they hurt - it's truely the opposite of what we are.
Hey Guys
I have being suffering with these thoughts for a few weeks now, its like i woke up one day and my mind is playing evil sadistic tricks on me.
I am a happy normal professional guy who is looking forward to going travelling with my girlfriend in a couple of months time.
Literally over the past few weeks the thoughts in my head have become ever more disturbing every day and things i would never dream of doing.
I went to see a psychologist last week for the first time to talk through my thoughts with him, i was diagnosed with having GAD and depression and it really hit home to me that i am not quiet well at the minute.
I feel so guilty for the nature of my thoughts and the "What Ifs" are getting ten times worse every day. I no that i would never act on these thoughts because they truely repulse me and make me sick. They go from every extreme my brain can possibly create and its so upsetting to me.
I know that i am not this person and i just want to get better but i fear that GAD-Intrusive thoughts are winning and making me think that i am that person.
I no that they are just thoughts and they cant hurt anyone but they hurt me i just want to go back to being my normal self and not this monster that i think i am becoming.
I am so scared of the thoughts winning and losing touch on reality and it ruining my life and everyone i knows life.
I just want the thoughts to disappear because i no deep down i could never possibly commit any of them
Thank you for reading this.
Hi everyone,
I am so glad that I found this forum, this post has really helped. I am also having a problem with my thoughts just now. Mainly sexual thoughts about children. These are really upsetting and distressing and have caused me to self harm which I have never done before which really scares me. I am currently on 100mg of sertraline and I am waiting on a psychiatrist appointment. I just feel that I want to punish myself for having these thoughts. My husband has been very supportive but I just feel so alone at times. I know this sounds bad but I'm glad other people are having the same problem so I know i'm not going mad. I'm just not the same person anymore but I know the old me is still inside somewhere.
Thanks,
Hey All
As mentioned by here to help on an earlier post, the book the imp of the mind is really helping me through at the minute, it just proves that your mind is playing tricks with you and you are not that person.
For the first time in public today I felt i had a little bit more confidence and the thoughts were subsiding.
I feel with time and working through the book anyone with intrusive thoughts can defeat them.
I think the first step on the long road to recovering your old self in which i am trying to do is taking the thoughts for that they are just thoughts, you are not going to implement them, its your minds way of taking something you feel really scared of and implementing you in it.
I hope to anyone out there who is struggling with there thoughts they can take solace in these words, you can beat this and you are not that person you think you are.
Hey Again
I just wondered if anyone else has suffered from the below feeling,
I feel that my thoughts are subsiding and i am not feeling no wear near the same amount of guilt in my thoughts.
I feel like I am in an acceptance stage, its really strange and i cant put my finger on it, i no for a matter of fact i would never do anything untoward and disgusting things that have being plaguing me over the last few weeks.
I am really worried that in my feeling of acceptance i have accepted the that the thoughts that were in my head are really me and thats who i want to be.
The is no way though i would ever want to act on any of these thoughts, because i no how disgraceful and repulsive they are and they disgust me.
I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt like this and it would really help me in understanding were i am at with my recovery.
Thank you for reading this
Chillihead
23-04-12, 14:20
I've had this EXACT same thing. You start to worry that your accepting the thoughts and you feel crap. It's just the anxiety my friend. I'm still struggling but I'm starting to get better. Are you on meds? Try not to seek reassurance. I spent so much time on these boards that I'm sure it made me worse. Type in sexual obsessions into google and I bet it describes what you have. Read the doubt Part, it's very common with OCD.
So glad I found this forum & thread. I didn't realise what I has having were "intrusive thoughts"! Thought I was just a sad/bad person for thinking things. Mostly I can get my head around it by saying to myself get real. But other times it really disturbs me. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I'm on 100mg of sertraline but for as long as I can remember the thoughts sneak in. It's mostly if there is a story on tv, in the papers or just a story in a drama. I seem too become obsessive with it. God I don't even think I'm making any sense just now!!
Hey Chillhead
Thank you for understanding, in the last few days i feel like i have accepted my thoughts and feel no guilt for them which in turn makes me think that i becoming a monster. I feel like i am spending to much time on these boards and becoming obsessed with reassurance that i am not this monster, deep down i no i am not but the fear is evergrowing.
Its really hard to explain i woke up this morning and i feel nothing for my thoughts i used to be terrified for the thoughts but theyre just theyre know and i dont no why i dont feel the same hurt as i did in previous days, this concerns me so much because it feels like i have accepted that this is who have i become.
Thank you for understanding
Hey Guys
I am here again, i have had a really really strange week, my thoughts are becoming ever more real and i dont really understand them anymore, i have being not engaging the thoughts but they just seem to appear, i truely feel like i am losing it,i am going away soon travelling and i just want to be my normal self again and not want the Imp in my Brian to take over and make me become that person ,,
Any help would be really helpful
Hi Tiger
Sorry you are having a hard time - I have suffered irrational thoughts for many years until 15 years ago was put on 20mg prozac - that stopped them - brilliant got on with life.
However they stopped working back end of last year (my little dog died) and it upset me so so much the thoughts came back! The Prozac had stopped working!
Anyway have been on the med merry go round and to avail - making me worse, etc,
I paid private last week to see a psychiatrist, well worth every penny, and he took my life history and said I have obsessional OCD (Pure 0) - mainly have sort of fixational thinking - always focused on someone close to me.
It is absolute hell and is mainly fuelled by anxiety. He said the thoughts are the opposite of what we are - evil people do not suffer with anxiety!
I am to be put of Cit 20mg and will be going higher - along with some lorazepam. I have that book - very very good.
Have a look on the OCD UK site - you are not on your own and not going mad! Have you seen a professional and what meds are you on?
---------- Post added at 15:25 ---------- Previous post was at 15:17 ----------
Tiger - you will not turn into the person of the thoughts you are thinking - so try not to worry there.
Hey Laura
I am on Meds i have only just started, though i am on citalpram , and i have seen i have being to see a psychologist twice in the last two weeks, its really helping, the strange thing is i woke up like this 3 weeks ago and never ever before did i feel like this.
I was a normal happy guy lucking forward to going away in the summer but i am so scared that the sick thoughts in my head will become me that it terrifies me, i have being diagnosed with GAD and depression and i know every fact about intrusive thinking that it targets your worse possible fear and implements you in it.
In my case my fear is child abuse and molestation and my mind throws up all loads of horrible images that i do no want to experience
I think however i am getting better and with not engaging the thoughts i feel i can beat them, i just think its going to take time.
Beckybooboo
28-04-12, 17:14
Hi Tiger,
I wanted to firstly start by saying well done to each and every person on this thread who has been experiencing the same, or similar intrusive thoughts because I know how scary they can be first hand as I've been having them since January of this year.
At first, I didn't even know what was happening to me. I had confessed to my boyfriend that I had flirted with another guy and sent pictures of myself to him, which I had done. My boyfriend wasn't happy with me at all and asked me if I'd cheated on him, I answered no because I hadn't. I thought that would be enough, it then began with "what if I cheated on him and can't remember?" So I pursued to text the guy and asked if anything had happened between us, he said no, which I felt okay about but still didn't feel 100% certain on it. It escalated to me texting him, calling him, messaging him online to get more and more reassurance of the same damn thing that nothing had ever happened and he began to get very angry with me and advised that if I didn't stop contacting him, he would get the police involved because of how I am.
Then, one morning when I was changing my boyfriends niece I had a HORRIBLE intrusive thought of me touching her inappropriately. This absolutely horrified me and because my anxiety was heightened and my boyfriend asked if it had happened, this drove me insane to the point where I literally convinced myself "it must have happened, but I must have forgotten" although even now, I remember the smells, what I was wearing, what she was wearing the lot and it drove me round the bend! I spent days, weeks and near on 2 months analyzing this and driving myself mad because I honestly thought I must had forgotten - I was even going to take a lie detector test to prove to myself that it didn't happen which would have cost me £500 but I was so prepared to do it!
Even now, every day I wake up with that horrible "what if?" in my head and the whole "you did it but you forgot Becky" when I know that the the thoughts I have are COMPLETELY insane and irrational. Anxiety likes to pick up on your worst nightmare and put them into reality by making you FEEL you are actually that person when you know you are not. It picks on you, it picks on everything you hate and makes you dwell on it thinking that you ARE that person...
Well, let me tell you. YOU ARE NOT. The anxiety that you're experiencing, accompanied by the thought are making you think that you are. Put it this way, remember a time before all of this happened and what you were like, as stated before, you were happy go lucky and you were looking forward to the future and just a generally happy guy - then the anxiety kicked in and made you believe that you're a monster and that you enjoy being this way and that this is how you are.
Anxiety, is a big scary mind monster that likes to take over that part of your brain to make you believe that you're something that you're not. It's imagination, a part of human life and a BIG dollop of anxiety (the ULTIMATE doubting disease) all mixed in together.
You will be okay. I have a blog that may help you with your thoughts and will teach you new ways to challenge them. www.beckybowerenspiller.wordpress.com
If you need anymore advice then give me a shout and I'll be happy to help.
Take care,
Becky x
Hey Everybody
Just to give you an update i think this is a good thing, the thoughts i get are still there but i dont react to them and they go quickly i just find them more of an annoyance more than a condition now, can anyone else tell me if it has being like this for them because deep down i am concerned i have just gave in to it.
Yours Kindly
wanttoheal10
02-06-12, 13:33
Hi all, I am new to this site and I have been suffering with sexual intrusive thoughts. I am suffering with anxiety and depression due to this. I have been put on Citalopram for this. The only problem is it has made me gain weight. My question is, and that I am worried about is, will I ever heal? I can't afford therapy and I don't want to take medications.... I want to do this on my own! Anyone have any tips or advice? Please let me know of something. Thanks!
wanttoheal10
04-06-12, 16:12
Please, I really need to talk to someone...
theharvestmouse
04-06-12, 19:35
I have them regularly, I don't know if this is normal for a bloke but nearly every woman I see I imagine them having sex and performing sex acts. It makes me feel ashamed that I have these thoughts, I feel like a pervert.
wanttoheal10
04-06-12, 19:58
I guess I just want to know that there is nothing wrong with me... ya know? I want to be the way I was before this all started...
Worried_Male
05-06-12, 01:38
The ****....
You know they are not real because real child abusers enjoy the thoughts and don't get panicky about them.
You have no idea how much this sentence has helped me. I too have been suffering with extremely disturbing thoughts of child abuse :weep: and since reading this sentence it's like a lightbulb has switched on on top of my head. I do not enjoy these thoughts and they make me feel sick.
arsenalfun
25-06-12, 09:30
Dude those thoughts go away, for sure :)
Hey, I promise you that you are not alone.
I have the same exact thoughts, and they disgust me as well. But not only are my intrusive thoughts about children, but they are about family members, my friend's parent's, etc. And it just really disturbs me.
Recently, was hanging out with a friend and she had her little sister (who is like 2) at her house. I kept on having these intrusive thoughts, and at one point I even started crying because they wouldn't go away, and when my friend asked what was wrong, I lied and just told her I was emotional that day. It was really awful, and it had me feeling like this disgusting human being.
But I have found, that I go through episodes of these thoughts. They aren't always there, but then I go through a moment where it seems like the only thing that comes to mind are horrible intrusive thoughts. That's actually why I came to the OCD board tonight, it was to find others who are going through this too.
Anyways, what I have found helps with getting through the times of intrusive thoughts, is forcing myself to think about it. As awful as it is, I force myself to let the thoughts run their course and just tell myself that its normal, and normal people without anxiety would just brush off these thoughts and not dwell. I sometimes also do something to hurt myself when I think these thoughts, such as the rubberband around the wrist trick, that people often use to get rid of bad habits. Everytime an intrusive thought enters my head, and I start to dwell on it, I snap the band. that has helped too.
runner bean
05-07-12, 11:23
Hey Ben,
I know exactly what you are going through. When it first started happening to me I wanted to die because I thought it was the only way I could get rid of the part of my brain that was throwing these things up.
Well..I can tell you I've just had a baby girl, she's 8weeks and she's gorgeous. I love her to bits but unfortunately the thoughts get me sometimes when I am giving baby a bath or doing a nappy. Its utterly horrible but I keep telling myself that thoughts are NOT actions. It does seem horribly real when the thought comes in but I tell you what I do...I hug my baby closer, kiss her face and tell the thought to get stuffed. You know you are not a paedophile, if you were you wouldn't be telling everyone about your thoughts! You wouldn't be on panic websites, you would not feel distressed...I know it's hard to remember this when a thought comes over you...I know how panicked I got only this morning....I just hugged my baby close and although I felt horrible for a few minutes eventually it passed and she fell asleep on me for an hour and it was lovely.
I love my baby so much and am totally gutted that this happens to me. The psychiatric people basically told me to go home and deal with it myself with the help of friends and family (it's best to tell people even though it is hard to do) so I'm feeling a bit like it's never going to get better but I have another docs appointment this afternoon so I'm going to ask him about cognitive behavioural therapy or just see if he has any suggestions.
Who knows why we suffer such horrific afflictions of the mind eh?
But at least you know you are not alone Ben. Hope this helps.
Runner Bean xxx
Hi i,ve suffered the same as you, so your not alone it just shows what a nice person you are because you hate the thoughts they make you worry... I had these thoughts before my daughter was born and it was horrific for me i would rather die than harm her. the worry the dread your suffering i feel for you its horrendous, biggest steps youve done is go to doctors and on here, i can asure you...you are not alone. thanks brian
KaoticKutie
05-07-12, 23:51
I agree with people here.. you are not a paedophile, because they actually believe that having sex with children is ok, and enjoy the thoughts.. and would not be in distress over them like you are.
And it took a lot of courage to talk about your intrusive thoughts as many wouldn't.. as they would be afraid.
I think bottom line is if you have a disturbing thought and it bothers you, sickens you, THEN it is intrusive and you are not sick or demented.. IF you have those thoughts and you enjoy them and act of them.. then you are sick and twisted
Hi everyone,
I literally cannot explain how happy I am to have read this all. Everything I have read here only confirms to me that I am not mad, not a pedophile and not going to kill my whole family. I knew I never wanted to act on the disgusting thoughts that came into my head about children but nothing I could do would ever make them go away. I kept telling myself that I would rather kill myself than ever touch a child like that. I am almost crying now because I am so relieved, and I actually for the first time feel strong enough to talk about what i've been going through for years with my mum and move onto getting some help.
Does anyone have any tips for approaching this subject with family members?
Thank you all so much again
Beckybooboo
23-07-12, 01:53
Hi Banana,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.
With regards to your thoughts, I am glad that you found the help and support on this forum suffice.
I think that in order to approach the subject with your family, or whoever else that you are close too you need to really look into the situation accordingly and gain as much information as possible before you proceed, unfortunately, some people who aren't going through this are unable to understand the situation.
I know how difficult it can be as I went through something very similar and I too, was scared of how people would perceive what I was telling them; but what they need to understand is that due to where you are mentally at the moment, these things are to be expected.
There are a lot of useful websites online including this one that will give you a lot of information of approaching your family on this matter and also tips of how to approach the situation.
I wish you all the best of luck,
Becky
jamesneutron
30-11-12, 13:13
I am new to the forum so not sure if Im posting this in the right place but I am desperate for help.
A couple of months ago i started university and had a terrible time. I was so upset about where I was living and felt so lonely in student accommodation. I got myself really worked up over it all and eventually told my mum how I was feeling and suggested I moved home.
Whilst I was at uni and in the worrying state of mind I started to have sexual thoughts about children which absolutely killed me and I felt like I had nothing to live for. What worried me the most was that in my mind I felt and still have this feeling that babies/young girls vaginas are better than older womens because they are not saggy and dont have any pubic hair. This thought drives me crazy because as much as I dont want to have this opinion I still have it!
This thought has to be based purely on imagination as I have never done anything sexual with a girl before so I havent actually seen a girls vagina in real life, or a babies. So im not sure how I can compare the two?!
I am also confused about my sexuality as I am interested in boys and girls but i feel like i could never do anything with a girl because of the way their vaginas look. i even find myself saying that i wish older girls had vaginas like young girls and babies, however i have never seen one so how do i know they are better! :(:(
this is getting me so down and i have thought about suicide and if it would help.
any help really would be appreciated, i dont know what to do. Are these unwanted thoughts telling me that i would prefer sex with a minor?
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