View Full Version : Please Any thoughts?.....
Hi All
I hope it is ok to post this since it is not strictly about me
My husband is very depressed at the minute and i dont know what to do because some of his behaviour is quite frankly hard to deal with here is the story sorry if its long...
We have been married 11 yrs together 13 we have 4 children 3 of mine and one together our son who is 9 has Autism in nov 08 my mother died suddendly at 62 and i went off the rails with grief i didnt do anything bad i developed health anxiety depression i was just very low my husband was there for me and helped me alot in july of last year i found out my husband had been talking to 2 women on the internet in a way that he shouldnt i am sure you know what i mean when i found out it had been going on for approx 5 months one of these women was a ex girlfriend from some 18 yrs or more ago obviously i was devastated and the last 11 months have been difficult to say the least we have argued alot both said some truly vile things to each other and it has all ended up with my husband this low there is just some stuff about the way he behaves i dont understand(please dont think i am uncaring or selfish) he has threatened suicide usually at the height of a argument when i have no choice but to back down and put my feelings aside while i talk him out of it he says he took about 12 of his anti depressants all at once in August last year and they did keep him in over night but i am not sure whether its true his hospital records say 10 tablets and they kept him in for observation he wasnt unconscious or sick or ill in any way at all he has been fine since then not threatened or attempted suicide till sat last week when we had yet another row and he does it again only this time its different
He wouldnt let me talk him round i was saying our son loves you needs you the usual he was just saying he would be better off without him he is evil and shouldnt be here etc etc he drank approx 10 bottles of strong beer he had been work the night before he works nights he had no sleep i managed to get him in the house at about 5pm he went sleep for 20 mins and woke up claiming he had been asleep al day and having no recollection of the days events after alot of to,ing and fro,ing i managed to get him into bed and he slept till the next day when he woke he remembered all of the days events again and he was again talking of ending it that he was evil etc etc so i took him hospital
We waited approx 3 hours in that time i was asking do you still feel suicidal he was saying no then the hospital said they were moving him to a ward and he must have thought they were going to keep him in because he started saying he didnt need to be there he felt stupid about the whole episode and just wanted to go home he didnt we saw a professional who said he needed stronger anti depressants and councelling which has both been arranged from what i have said do you guys think this is bi polar? depression? or attention seeking? my hubbys mum thinks we should mention bi polar to doc but she feels he is depressed and attention seeking he snaps at me constantly talks to me like rubbish he knows i cant say anything because he will threaten suicide again hes fine as long as i dont ask questions about how he is feeling if i do i get why the 50 questions? just leave me alone he blames himself for our sons Autism to the point that if our son has a tantrum as Autistic kids do he often tells us to shut up and things my hubby says even our son dont like im such a bad person it is so annoying it feels like everything is about him i just dont know how to handle it if anyone at all has been through similar please please help me
so sorry for the length
Thanks guys :weep:
munkeyinblack
24-05-11, 13:39
I just read ur post and although i don't have any experience of situations like this i just wanted to tell u that your not alone in this. Of course its ok to post here and hopefully someone who has dealt with this kind of thing will reply.
If u ever need an ear just send me a pm and i hope things get better for u soon!
tc
munkeyx
Hi Munkey
Thanks so much for your reply
I will wait and of course take up your kind offer should i need to thanks again :)
Still struggling with this guys
He snaps at me and the kids all the time gets angry if i ask him to check in somewhere for proper help says things like i knew you never wanted me i feel a bit over a barrel i dont know what to do
:-(
Hi ScaredCaz
I would see how he gets on with the medication and counselling. I'm male and suffered from depression myself. I was helped a lot by the medication (Sertraline (SSRI) and Propranolol (beta-blocker). Anti-depressants such as SSRIs do take a few weeks before they kick in though, and sadly they often make you worse before you get better. Beta-blockers are quite good for reducing physical anxiety symptoms.
When I was depressed, I was much more selfish and constantly focused on how ill I was feeling. I was quite sad that I lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, including the children and was so relieved when it all came back. You have the added strain of an autistic child as well as your own anxiety issues, so life for you all must be very difficult.
Sorry - hadn't finished posting! Hit the wrong key.
Best thing you can do Caz is just be there for him and see that he does take any prescribed medicine properly and attends the counselling suggested.
Tyke
hi Tyke
Thanks so much for your reply
I have been reading around all morning about living with someone with depression and it has helped me a little my instinct is to just leave him alone because he gets mad if i ask too many questions anyway....he is taking his meds and he is due to start councelling on june 13th i dont think he has much faith in that though i dont think he really believes in all that if you know what i mean? so i am hoping he actually will go
I suppose i sound selfish in a way but i have to think of my kids because he isnt and it scares me i am tired of being yelled at especially when all i have done is ask if he is ok he is so distant never starts a convo never speaks unless i ask him something then when i do its why ask 500 questions just leave me alone but if i do leave him alone he says i dont care its a living nightmare and i am worried by the time it is over i will hate him :-(
Hi ScaredCaz
I can understand how difficult it is for you. Anger wasn't really part of my depression, I'm more the quiet shut myself away and hope it disappears type. I did once live with someone like this though and I think you are doing right by keeping clear of controversy if he seems really touchy about things.
Once the meds start to work you will get a better idea of how it is likely to pan out. If it's SSRIs they've put him on they usually take a few weeks to kick in. I know most people (especially us blokes!) find counselling really hard and don't want to go there, but he clearly has issues and it is one of the few chances he has of really getting to grips with his problems. Depression often makes you feel that you are a hopeless case, which doesn't help either. I have read that the best chance of recovery from depression is often a combination of medication to improve mood and then counselling to get to the cause of the problem and try to stop it from recurring.
I hope things improve for you soon.
Tyke
first of all sincere sympathies for you in such a difficult situation. I can only speak from my own experience of living with a problem child ADHD, Asperger's and Oppositional Defiant. He's now nearly 20 and still giving us much grief. Basically I suffered a nervous breakdown nearly 2 yrs ago after years and years of raising a difficult child. I too have 2 younger kids who are "normal". I can only guess that perhaps your husband has reached a similar stage where he just can't cope. but his way of showing it is by his agression instead of quiet depression that a lot of people have. I went into a shell and totally was unable to function for months. I blamed myself for my son's condition and behaviour problems. Maybe he feels the same way and is acting out simply because he doesn't know how else to explain how he really feels inside. Would he see a therapist to talk about it do you think? for some people the psychiactic services are just not the right thing but if he could find a male therapist maybe he could address some of his grief.
I am sorry if I am on the wrong tack, just really feel for you and him in this.
Hi Both
Thanks for you comments
The past couple of days have not been too bad he says he feels a little better i am still on egg shells a little though because i am worried things are going to kick him off
Rooby.....sorry if my post was unclear but it isnt my son i am having problems with it is my husband he is depressed and he cant cope with our son at the minute i know his behaviour can be challenging an i hope you as someone who can relate to how he is feeling dont take offence to what i am about to say but our son has been the same for nearly 10 yrs and he needs us i dont really see how him being like this with him is helping but having said that he is getting alot better both in himself and with our son
he is complaining of vivid dreams now in which he either loses me or one of our kids i think it is a side effect of his medication but guilt is a big part of his depression so maybe at last i am seeing signs that he has regret for what he did to us i am sorry if i sound harsh but i have spent as long as i have been a mother putting other people before my self and even when i lost my mam who i miss so so much i didnt let it effect my son to this degree i know depression is horrible and i am helping him but i cant help feeling a little angry
I hope you all understand what i mean and thanks again all your thoughts are most welcome :)
Hi ScaredCaz
I do know what you mean. When I was depressed I was very conscious about not letting the kids be affected by it. I tried to carry on as normally as I could for everyones sake. I know the effect a depressed person can have on the household from a past personal experience and didn't want to recreate that. My wife knew I was depressed, but I couldn't tell her quite how bad I was as I felt it would worry her and then I'd worry about her worrying and feel even worse.
You should get a good idea of whether or not the meds are helping after a few weeks (it was five weeks in my case). Once his mood has lifted you should find things much more relaxed and issues easier to discuss. Vivid dreams are a fairly common side effect of the drugs as they can affect sleeping patterns. I just got insomnia, which was awful, but it did wear off eventually.
You've been with your husband for quite a while now. If you can't sort things out together would it be worth contacting someone else like Relate? You both seem to have been under a lot of stress and maybe something like that could really help.
Best wishes
Tyke
Hi Guys. Last few days not been too bad he did get angry on Monday my daughter text and asked him had he cleaned the house while I was working and he demanded to know why he had to explain himself to her :-/ I told him I am no longer prepared to live on egg shells being scared to say anything and I won't allow my kids to live that way either he reluctantly apologised but I think he didn't really sincerly mean it........I'm still a little angry he is using his phone a lot but I don't feel I can seek that reassurance from him that he isn't doing anything he shouldn't be as I could before because he will get angry again as soon as he gets mad he says he is leaving and when I say well you will have to go then if that's how you feel he says you don't want me here you always tell me to go and the kids hate me :-/ it feels a little like emotional blackmail to be honest and its getting annoying I can't help thinking what about me? What about my feelings? HE cheated on ME why does he act like the victim? I should be the one on pills seeking councelling not him he is just able to use suicide against me in order for me to forget what he did and focus on him and that's unfair. I'm sorry today has been a hard day its getting harder to bottle my feelings up :-( here's hoping tomorrow will be better. Tyke......we have looked into relate but it is 45 a session and we simply can't afford it so its not a option sadly either we are meant to be or not only time will tell it helps I can talk to you guys I would have gone insane by now. Thanks so much for all your support you have no idea how much I need it and any ideas are welcome thanks again :-)
Hi. Guys. Think I spoke too soon the other day he had a go at me last night saying I "bombard" him with questions I have made a conscious effort not to ask him anything because he doesn't like it the only thing I can think he means is when I ask if he is ok and stuff he tried to leave again too I'm so fed up :weep:
Hi All. Things are a little better his tablets seem to be helping he is still having vivid dreams in which he can't find me or the kids and he says they scare him and make him feel down when he wakes up he has just had a week off work he was ok ish not his self but then I guess he wouldn't be he is so distant that I am beginning to feel unloved and unwanted and I feel like its me making him like this and have offered him more than once to move out till he is well but he says he wouldn't be able to cope if he isn't here. Sometimes I feel like I need him to go because it looks like sometimes he wants to be down I mean if he has a dream why not tell me hug me let me make him feel secure why just walk around mardy and snap at me? So then I feel like he does? I'm scared I am going to crack under the pressure too them where would our son be? Please help guys I just need a few words of hang in there you are doing good be great if someone who has been through this could read it either from my side or my huisbands I need help :-( thanks so much :-)
Hi Caz
Having depression does make you feel very different and you just don't act the way you normally do. It's a bit like being in a black hole, but there is no easy way out and it can seem that no one seems close enough to help you out of it either. I really didn't come out of it until the meds started working, that's when I finally got back to some kind of normality.
The best thing you can do is try and keep things ticking over as best as you can until the medication kicks in. This usually takes around 4-6 weeks, but it can be sooner and it can be later, it all depends on the individual. He may well be carrying around a lot of guilt about what has happened, this can be a strong feature of depression. He probably feels he can't ask anything of you because he has betrayed you. Depression is a living hell, once he starts to come out of it, you both should be able to make more sense of things and work out where you stand.
Tyke
Hi. Guys. Thanks Tyke for all your kind words they really do help. I wish I could say things are getting better but they are not in truth the anger has subsided a little but the fear of it is still there so I am too scared to say or ask anything and I know if we did have a row about anything right now he would walk out and threaten suicide so all is far from well I have tried on a couple of occasions to talk to him ask how he feels about me but he is very evasive the fact is I feel unloved I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings I know I must sound very selfish because he has depression but when I had it after my mam died I don't remember him worrying about me this much in fact it was only 15 months later that he started to talk to people on the internet I just don't know if I can see him through this I think to be honest he is enjoying having this power surely his tablets would have worked by now? He starts councelling tomorrow so that may help but I doubt it I'm so very unhappy :-(
Hi Scaredcaz,
I have read yours and all the other posts in this thread. Quite a lot of the things your husband is doing I have been doing for years. The threats of suicide which I have not ever gone through. I used to get in my car and drive away and then come back. I would also not like her to help me or talk to me. I would go to bed early as it felt like a safe place to be. I did all of this for many years when my children were growing up. I realy should have got proper help myself when I was in the Army and did go to the Army Doctor in 1988 with self confidence and anxiety problems. It helped but had no tablets or further counselling. I was afraid that as soon as I started on tablets that I would have to keep taking them and also that everybody in my unit would no that I was not all there. Also that this might affect my carreer and slow down on stop my promotion. I was a Sgt at that time, in fact that was why I was posted too Cyprus a newly promoted Sgt. Also I was with lots of higher ranks who all seem more confident and more qualifed than me. I had a lot too prove and also had to make sure that my wife and children were ok. Drink also played a part in my life as a Sgt as the Sgts Mess was a club which you had to make sure you went to it regularly for functions. That may sound good but sometimes you realy just wanted to chill at home and not get all dressed up in your uniform and sit and eat three course meals. You will probably will say well you could have not drunk and just drunk soft drinks or just had a few.
I think that I struggled with tyring to keep everybody happy through out my Army career. By happy I mean do the right thing by everybody. While you are getting promoted you have to show your superiors that you can be responsible for people, equipment, able to organise things, be incharge of a club or do charrity work etc, go on exercise, operations battle camps. Also most importantly of all look after your family. Many times I heard others say thats it family first before the Army, but probably the only way to get that would be to leave. Not many did or do that because its a good life if your partner can poke up with it. Many wives got terribly homesick when posted outside England, but had some support from neighbours and families and wives clubs. To be fair we had good times and bad but something I was always doing and did until I got help was spoil a good day out by moaning about something that went wrong and getting angry with my wife, who by the way would not argue back, so I would shout more.
Anyway thats enough of my Army burblings. Up to the present day I denied myself that I needed help and it was only when a co worker on 10 May pushed me back into the toilets at work and told me that my wife was cyring as she had told him what problems I had and would he spoke to me. I have worked with this guys was 7 years and again would not share to much with him or others as I found that as fairly quickly there would be gossipp in the office. Again much the same as the Army. However once cornered I just spilled out all my problems. The next day was both our days off so we both went to the doctors and talked about what was going on, Did the test and found that I scored moderatley to severley depressed. I was offered tablets and time off but did not want them as I was still afraid of failure.
I also got refered for counselling which I have had one session and depending on what telephone feed back I may need more. The meds messed with me and it is true that you feel a bit worse. I had a tiny bit of stress and went OTT and cut my arm, the second time this has happened. This was all to cause upset to my wife and also to make get rid of the frustration. I spoke to the Samaritans the next day and then they followed up with a call two days later.
Itis true that the tablets do work after time as I have had good days and bad days. I am talking to my wife and kids calmley, but realise that there is still lots too do.
I hope that you can pick out some help from my experiences. Is your husband a member of the site? I have found the site helpful as you do not feel alone and also a lot easier to talk to people with out dealing with them face to face.
A little thaught is that you feel like you are the only one with the problems and a few weeks ago when I went to donate platelets (i do this once a month) I had to tell them I had been to the Doctors for Anxiety & Depression and was taking tablets. Citalopram is ok to give blood/platelets. When I answered questions with the nurse she said I did not seem happy. The donor carer said to her dont' go there. To which I replied look at my form, she quite casually said I take those a few times a week and has for some time.
I think my other point is that all this stuff is very personal and sometimes talking to a doctor or counsellor is hard as in 10 minutes for the Doctors there is not much time to get everything out. The same goes for the NHS counsellor as I got a hour and we had to get 50 years of my life out which is difficult.
I hope that some of this helps. Perhaps your GP could help.
Hi Johno
Thank you so much for your very personal reply i am sorry it has took me so long to reply back to you
I am sorry you have had such a hard time and i am glad you have finally got some help for yourself and are making progress i wish you all the best :)
I have not actually posted for a while but to be honest there is little change i have started to tell him i don,t feel his tablets are working as well as they should be he does,nt agree but i really don,t see any sign of him feeling happier or getting better it is true he is not down as much but i feel it is because both me and the kids are too scared to say or do anything to upset him so he pretty much has run of the house with little argument i know as i type this i may come across as uncaring or selfish i really don,t mean to while he is busy thinking of himself and blaming himself for silly things i have myself and 4 other peoples feelings to consider with regards to his behaviour i don,t really see any drive in him to want to get better he seems quite happy wollowing in self pity blaming himself for our son having Autism because of bad things he has done his dad has had cancer 4 times now just recently diagnosed again he feels that because he is a bad person he should be ringing his dad making sure he is feeling ok whats happening with treatment etc etc but he just sits and feels sorry for himself for things he has no control over and he knows it
He does exactly the same thing when we do argue sometimes i have just had enough and i get angry he storms out buys beer he should,nt be drinking on the useless tablets he is on sits in the car and texts me saying you wont see me again i wont be your problem anymore etc etc so then i HAVE to forget my own feelings and try and get him back in the house beg him to talk to me he gets to tell me what a nag i am how i drive him mad hes sick of me complaining and everything but if i say one thing about him he don,t like he is off again storming out he lies to his doctor there,s no way she would let him walk out that room if she knew the truth so i have told him i am coming to the next appointment and i will tell her exactly what he does i feel like he is playing me he knows exactly what to do to shut me up and when he has and he knows i am not happy he does not care at all as long as i don,t talk to him about it he could not care less to be honest it is a nightmare i am very quickly getting fed up of again i am sorry if i sound uncaring or selfish but i think he is selfish like no one i have ever met and i have to find a way of stopping him playing the you open your mouth i will kill myself game because it is cruel selfish and unfair i need to make him realise i have feelings too and if he dont start acknowledging them we will be over.....he is not a member on here he wont allow anyone to make him feel better thats the cold hard truth
Thanks again Johno sorry to ramble please let me know your thoughts good or bad :0)
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