Cant go on.....PLEASE READ!!!!!

[katyfitz]

I feel so so so so wrong. Everyday since October last year ive felt not myself unwanted and lonely. I wanna take you thru my story and im sorry to those who already know it (ashley, mary rose, alex etc u know who u are) but i want the others to know what ive been thru maybe see if people can relate to me..

Back in october 2005 i had been feeling a bit rough, kind of like i had the flu coming on but the only symptoms i was getting was the weakness, jelly legs feeling and lightheadedness. I went out with mates one night and got a bit drunk but never had as much as i normally do but felt pretty wrecked from the amount i did have and at this point i wasnt taking any meds. I was in the cab on the way home and looking back on it i was pretty spaced out and definately not on this planet, THE CAB DRIVER DONE ME OUT OF 10 QUID and i never noticed this until the next morning, anyway after getting in i was just heading to bed its 330am by this time when i heard a knock at the door straight away this freaked me out luckily my mum and dad were in and so was my sister and her fiance the guy at the door was telling me to let him in and stuff like that my dad came down and got rid of him but i sat on the stairs and my heart raced so hard i thought it was gonna jump out my throat or stop, i went to bed with my heart pounding and i could feel my pillow thuding from the sound of my pulse, eventually i got to sleep and i got up for church the next day and felt awful, i felt so lightheaded and definately not with it, when i was at church i was sure i was gonna pass out and i just kept thinking about the previous night,from this day back in october ive never been to church because im scared i will faint.

At the end of october my cousin came down and unfortunately i had to work most of his stay but he occupied him self. One sat eve i was at work and the lightheadednes had never left me since that day at church, i was typing on my computer at work, when my heart raced again, i had blurred vision, i thought again i was gonna faint and immediatly a thought came into my head of needing to get home, my heart raced the whole journey home as i thought i was gonna drop down dead it was the worst experience of my life, From this day i have never been back to work, i worked at BILLY ELLIOTT THE MUSICAL, i was in charge of 6 bars and 13 staff and i was 21 at the time i think i took on too much at a young age. My life was great had no worried apart from my mum having cancer 3 years ago but is cool now, i dont know wether that had a later affect on me?

Since last year ive never felt right, from the moment i get up the tension is umbearable esopecially behind my eyes and neck.

My doctor tells me il be 100% fine and its all anxiety and panic related he has seen me for 4 months running now and still says the same thing, But oh my god it so isnt right to feel how i do everyday:

Lightheaded
Not attached to my body
Tired
Jelly like legs
And scared to go far incase i faint?

And i still want to know if my phobia of fainting stems down to that day back in october.

My sis is getting married in july and im her bridesmaid how can i go to church with this fear.

AM I GOING TO FAINT OR IS IT ALL IN MY HEAD???

[Elle-Kay]

I don't really know what sort of "advice" to offer you here Katy, except that fainting is your body's way of saying "Hey, I need a bit of a time out to recover. You're thrashing me too hard!". In other words, if any of us do faint at any time, it's only because our body needs to, to get itself back in order, so really it's kind of a good thing. If you try to relax, and stop going over all the same old "what if's", you won't faint, because your body won't need to :)

Leah.

--- Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

[Alexandra]

Hi Katy

It does sound like there is a link back to what happened that October.

I can't remember if ive asked this or anyone else has, but have you thought about seeing a counsellor & discussing your feelings with them (i promise that it will help you in the long run) CBT is another path to look at via your doctor.

You can do the bridesmaid thing in July i know you can. (we all know you can) Im a bride in August (as most people on here know lol) then im a bridesmaid too in November ( Im nervous & excited about it all but im determined to crack it for myself, Chris, & my friend.

Keep positive & keep smiling.

Take Care


Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Quirky]

Hi Katy,

I'm no expert but it seems to me that you are trapped in a vicious circle of being scared and therefore getting symptoms. The initial things that scared you (the man at the door etc) would scare most people, but since then you have been lightheaded and stopped doing alot of things due to being scared of fainting. Once we become scared of doing things we are thinking about them more, and the more we avoid things, the worse we feel and the more symptoms we get, it really can be a vicious circle. If your gp has checked you over and told you you are ok, the only way forward is to learn to accpet this and gradually start doing more. In time you will see you can do things and be ok. You may still feel lightheaded but you will realise that it's just a sensation and nothing bad happens and then in time it will go as your mind accepts this. If you haven't fainted after all this time, there's no reason why you would start to now. I know it's easy to say all this and so hard to do. Have you had any CBT, that can really help.

Good luck,

Lisa x

[hayles]

Katy,

It sounds like you link your fainting to certain places like church. This is a pure sign of axiety. when you have an attack you then associate where you had it or what you were doing with the attack, hence being firghtened of church.

I am getting Married in July (less then 3 months...argh!)
and I am pooping my pants all i keep thinking is what if i have an attack in church, what if i drop down at the alter.....etc etc it is a vicious circle.

You will be fine as a Bridesmaid, there will be so much to do you prob wont even think about it until late in the eve and you will be like....oh I managed the day with out freaking....

Positive thoughts my love...WE can do it!

Katy are u local to West Sussex?

love n hugs

Hay x

[sassy]

katy, i sympathise, i really do.
when i was 4 months pregnant with my 13 year old, i finished work and went to macdonalds. whilst standing in the que, i fainted. from that day till this day i have such an irrational fear of fainting. it petrifies me. what started out as a simple fainting episode (fainting whilst pregnant is very common), has turned into my biggest all time fear. the hilarious thing is that i havnt fainted since (1992) and probably wont do.
i was terrified of que's in shops, weddings, funerals, christenings..you name it. i even get scared taking the kids to school in case i faint in the playground.
i spent 12 years running away from situations and avoiding anything that could trigger the fear. at one time i never left the house.
id feel sick and be convinced id actually be sick..id get funny vision, my legs would shake and after each panic attack i would feel exhausted.
these days..i still have the feelings of panic, but i refuse to leave the situation. i wont allow myself to follow the 'run for your life' instinct.
katy, if you faint..so what? why is that so bad? what is the worst that can happen? fainting wont kill you, its your bodys way of straightening itself out. fainting is a protective mechanism. take a bottle of water with you..it can prevent fainting and gives you something to take your mind off your heart racing. keep a packet of mints with you. focus on something..ie a picture, a road sign..tin of baked beans :) anything..i am 99.9% sure that you wont faint but if you do, its OK. its common and it doesnt hurt :) its your bodys way of resetting itself.

[ollie35]

Hi Katy,

You are stuck in a cycle of worry, this worry leads to more symptoms and this in turn leads to more worry, and so on.

Like the above post says, let yourself faint, if that's what your body wants, it is very unlikely anyway. The fear of how you are feeling is getting in your way of feeling better. You are thrashing your body with worry, try and change your thought pattern. Instead of "oh god what if I faint" say " o.k if I do I do" , that statement alone has broken the worry cycle for a while.
I have helped many people on the road to recovery and once they learn that worrying is counter productive they can start to move forward, ask yourself these questions

Has worrying about something ever done me any good?
Has worrying ever changed anything?
Has worrying ever made me feel better?

I know it is hard as the worrying thoughts seem to come with such force, but in time the positive thinking becomes your new voice, your new habit. So please try and stop worrying about how you are feeling and give your mind and body the rest it so craves from the onslaught of worrying thoughts that create more stress and symptoms

Take care

Paul

[ashley]

Hay katy..as you said gal me knows ya ..but just to add my thoughts to your story there even though me knows ya anyhow..
Katy all the symptoms that you have had for all this time since and still going on today..is anxiety and i swear that on my life.. like others have posted , the chances of you fainting are 0, but if you ever did that wouldnt be because there was something seriously wrong katy, it would be just your bodies way of getting its self back to normal under extreme anxiety..i so so much doubt though that this will ever happen to you..i fear this too and have done for 20 years and it has never happened to me.

So there you see it katy, honest love you will be fine,and nothink will harm you.. lotes of love ashley x