New to forum, cancer ocd

[worry2much]

Let me start off by saying it has been very helpful reading the other threads on this forum and relating their struggles to myself. It helps to know I'm not the only one. I am a 28 yr old male, and I have been suffering from health ocd since I was 13. I can actually remember my first bout with obsessive worrying, I was terrified I had testicular cancer after it came out an athlete was just diagnosed and cured. Since that time I've convinced myself I've had numerous illnesses only to be proved wrong every single time. I've had colonoscopy's, numerous xrays, blood tests, and recently had an endoscopy done. Each time I was convinced I had cancer. My primary fear seems to be cancer, although there are times I worry about other illnesses (heart disease).

I was symptom free for a while, but the last 2 months it has hit hard again. The last 2 months I have been convinced I had stomach and or throat cancer because I was having horrible heartburn, but endoscopy proved it wrong. Shortly after that I thought I found a lump on my sternum, doctor assured me it was simply the junction between my sternum and ribs. I made him xray me, turned out he was correct... it was simply the junction of my sternum and ribs but it was very irritated from me poking and proding at it 24/7. I seem to always find 'lumps', and then I poke and prod at it hoping if I mess with it enough I will convince myself that it isn't a lump but just a normal anatomy.

Currently, I've been having anxiety because I found what seems to be a lump on my cheek bone. I don't want to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid he will think I'm nuts, but I can't stop googling my symptoms. The thing is... 5 years ago I fainted and I landed directly on my cheekbone, and I'm sure it's just scar tissue from the injury... but my mind starts "well what if it's a cancerous lump forming?". It's so frustrating, and it gets tiring not being able to overcome it. I wish I could get relief, and I thought maybe posting my issues would help me get them out and maybe help anyone who is suffering as well. I hit enter by accident and posted an incomplete post, so I'm trying to finish this post fast now and it feels incomplete. Nonetheless, it has been very helpful to read your stories. Thank you to the creator of this website, and those who have taken the time to share their stories.

[overwhelmed53]

hi i to am quite new to this forum...everything you said is me! i also have ocd and health anxiety the same one as you have...in fact i even findit hard to speak or use the word. today im feeling really bad and ambarely functioning i can only describe the way i feel as sheer blind terror! the physical symtoms are dreadful every bone in my body is aching..i cant stop crying and can do nothing can i ask are you superstious? i am and things are not going to well for me at the moment and i percieve this as a sign of my impending doom!! with each episode i feel right this is it.....my fears are coming true or i will just completely breakdown and never ever get back to "normal". im very tired feeling like this and wish with all my heart it would go away! god bless and hoping u find ur own way to cope xx

[anxious eddy]

hi overwhelmed and worry to much welcome to my world i to have cancer ocd and also am having a tough time at the moment ,my only thoughts are to do with having it even the slighest backache tummyache is ovarian liver well any c reaally so i symathize with you both ,what helps me is to remind myself that i can get past this blip again and not have so many irrational thoughts ,but i have to say i am struggling this time , ive considered lying at the doctors to get more evidence im sick ive paid for private scans xrays smears always for the outcome to be fine ...i know its irrational but until i get the final say so im a wreck i hate it i wish i could be normal but this site has helped me my wish is there was a chat room where people discussed there problems rather then general how are you chit chat but thankyou both for posting

[overwhelmed53]

hi anxious eddy....cant believe there are other people like me out there i am exactly like you...everythingyou say is..well...just me! today has been a really bad day for me...hence the reason im on here...jst hoping? can i ask you a question? do you ever feel that this timeits real and nothingbutnothing can convince you otherwise? usually i can manage to get some control back but this time its extra hard......if you ever want to talk please please let me knowi would even sendyou my email....my thoughts and prayers are with you and all who feel like us hope to hear more from you....god blessx

[worry2much]

Sorry it took me so long to respond work has been busy, I'm sorry to hear your both struggling from the same thing. Yes I am supersticious by the way, and also tend to believe that bad karma is always right around the corner. It always gets overwhelming like the both of you are describing. What tends to really get me down is; I feel like I can't enjoy anything because my mind always reverts back to "You can't enjoy this activity because you've got cancer". As irrational as it sounds, whenever I forget about my worries that message comes back and I'm back in the dumps again.

I find myself wishing I was one of those people who just didn't give a damn, because to me the worry that accompanies my "symptoms" are 100x worse than the symptoms themselves. I also find that I constantly avoid my "triggers" for fear I will cause myself to start worrying again. For example, as I mentioned in my previous post that I had my sternum xrayed because I thought I felt a "lump", well I won't go anywhere near that area of my body anymore. If I have an itch in that area, I'll suffer through the itch before I use my hands to scratch that area. Because God forbid I scratch that area, and think I feel the "lump" again; it's all over for me. I'll be poking and prodding for 2 weeks, swelling and bruising the area... thus increasing my fears because "It must be swollen because it's cancer!", when in reality it's swollen because I've been messing with it for 2 weeks!

The sad part is, it sounds crazy when I even type it on here. I'm embarassed reading this, but it helps to get it out and more importantly maybe it can help someone else reading this. I got off on a tangent there, but I'm truly sorry that you're suffering with these terrible worries.

I goto a therapist once a week and there's a few things he's helped me with. One session in particular he said "How many sicknesses have you thought you've had, only to be proved wrong?" I thought for a second, and I responded "Probably 500" (likely exaggerated a bit because i couldn't think on the spot) to which he replied "And your 0 for 500. Tell yourself that everytime you start to worry. I'm 0 for 500, what are the odds I have something with the 501st symptom? This is a symptom of my anxiety, and my previous experiences prove that." Does it always help? No, but sometimes it can bring me relief. Maybe that will help you too

Try your best to stay away from google, and remember your "0/500". God Bless

[worry2much]

"you ever feel that this timeits real and nothingbutnothing can convince you otherwise? usually i can manage to get some control back but this time its extra hard"

I forgot to address this point, but yes all the time. That's a key ingredient to our worries. "The one time I don't worry about it or get it checked out it will for sure be cancer!" To which I always tell myself, 0/500. If on the 501st your sick, well damnit it was supposed to be because I was wrong 500 times! Anyone who has gotten checked as much as we have and still ended up being sick, well then God has a plan for me I cannot avoid. I am not a bible thumper by any means, nor do I impose my beliefs on others. The only thing I will say is that when things are bad I rely on my faith, because there is a much bigger picture painted when you realize that there is more to this world then worrying about death.

Hope something I said can benefit you. Take care :D

[anxious eddy]

hi again you to my god we are like peas in a pod i to convince myself this time its real but i have to say it does become harder each time to get back on track, im bad at mo but when ive calmed myself had a cry and a rant then i think more logically but still need convincing. the worst time is first thing in the morning so i try to organise a routine so im busy and dont have time to think. its cool to know though im not alone

[lees6655]

hi anxious eddy....cant believe there are other people like me out there i am exactly like you...everythingyou say is..well...just me! today has been a really bad day for me...hence the reason im on here...jst hoping? can i ask you a question? do you ever feel that this timeits real and nothingbutnothing can convince you otherwise? usually i can manage to get some control back but this time its extra hard......if you ever want to talk please please let me knowi would even sendyou my email....my thoughts and prayers are with you and all who feel like us hope to hear more from you....god blessx

Hi iam exactly the same thoughts thinking i had cancer loads of times iam going through it again now i have had a period of about 12 months since my last episode but now its back and now i think this is it this time i know exactly how you are feeling i hate it . I have been for lots of test before never to find anything wrong with me i have been to my doctors about 6 times in a few weeks and she says there is nothing she is worried about but trying to convince myself is not easy when you have physical symptoms.