Do you IMAGINE things?( HIV worry)

[Sude]

Hi everyone,
first off, want to say how thankful I am for finding this forum. I have had general anxiety and health anxiety for about 5 years now. My anxiety is usually cancer or HIV based. Cancer ones are easier to deal with as I can feel or see a "symptom" then ask for reassurance from loved ones or visit the GP and be okay for a while as I feel convinced I don't have that particular cancer.

However when it is HIV, it is completely different story. First of all I am a virgin BUT I have had some kind of sexual activities with 3 people. Although I know back down I didnt have actual sex with these people and I was never at risk, I got tested twice with rapid tests because I IMAGINED later on the what ifs. I don't want to get into too much detail but although we had safe activities I imagined scenes as I was actually having sex with ex but may not realized, remembered etc..

After the tests I had some kind of relief but then I read a post on a doctor forum saying rapid tests are only 85% reliable then all the stress and worry came back.

I will soon get married and the incidents I mention happened more than 2 years ago. Now I constantly think back and some memories flash back as I was actually having sex with my ex bfs because there is possibility that it could although deep down I know I didnt have sex with them bc I always had HIV phobia. The things flash back as skin to skin contacts or a moment where I imagine what if it actually happened. When I read HIV is contracted only only 1 in 1000 through vaginal sex I automatically think what if I had anal sex ( thinking a moment when I had a skin to skin contact with my ex and imagine having sex- although deep down I know I would know if I had sex esp anal sex considering I had nooo sex ever It would be something I would know):weep:

Sorry for the loooooong post but I just want to know if any of you imagine things as I do just to confirm your worries?:wacko:

THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING!

[worry2much]

Without going into too much detail, waited until I was 23 to have sex because I was absolutely terrified of contracting an std. I had the opportunity plenty of times, but I would always back out leaving the woman to think I was either a complete wuss or a homosexual. I don't want get to obscene or graphic, but I was scared I contacted Aids doing everything from kissing a girl to everything else but sex. After meeting a girl at 23 we decided to have sex after 6 months, to which several months after it somehow came up that she had a VERY promiscuous past. Long story short, I had us tested for every disease. HIV 3 times, herpes, chlymadia you name it. At one point I was convinced I had an std, only after numerous testing did I find out I did not.

My point in all of this? Don't let it consume you because I can tell you I'm 100% sure from your post you did not contract HIV. Don't let your mind play tricks on you, because it will only detract from the joy you should experiencing leading up to your wedding. If I turned out to be ok with my experience, I'm 100% sure you've got nothing to worry about.

Take Care :yesyes:

P.S. DO NOT GOOGLE, google is what made it 100x worse for me. It makes me angry to this day I let google fool me

[Sude]

Thanks a lot for your response, it actually helped to read your story! :blush:

Yes, my mind comes up with all kind of things and what ifs that I become completely separated from reality if that makes any sense.

The so called symptoms are what drive me insane. Whenever I look in the mirror, I tend to check my tongue and find stuff that I think are a sign of HIV symptoms. ( I have geographic tongue, always had it but now I tend to check the sides of my tongue and think these are new bumps,lines or patches etc..:wacko:)

I will stay off Google and try not to check :whistles:

[filigree]

Hi there,

I've had HA for over twenty years now and I spent the whole of my twenties absolutely terrified of contracting HIV. And as with you, every time I had any sexual contact with someone (no matter how mild), I would be terrified of HIV. I still have my appointment card from the local STD clinic and it is FULL!

And yes, my imagination would do _anything_ to come up with a way of convincing me that I had HIV. And everytime I had any symptom vaguely related to anything autoimmune (which incidentally anxiety cause as well), then I'd be physically shaking, not sleeping and barely functioning during the day because of obssessive thoughts about HIV.

I once came out in hives (itchy bumpy skin rash) and it was so alarming and I read it was due to the autoimmune system, I nearly passed out with terror.
Turned out to be an allergy to a new soap I was using....

One thing I have learnt with HA, is that it often flares up during times of stress, as do the symptoms. Ironically, outwardly I'm a very calm person and never get stressed about the things that should be stressing me but my body and mind seem to club together and make symptoms and imaginings so I feel the stress through HA.

Something that helped me a lot was counselling - I ended up in tears about things in my life that I hadn't realised had affected me so much. I've also learnt that many people with HA (but not all) have had childhoods with not enough love or reassurance in them and HA is a learnt mechanism to deal with stress - especially emotional stress.

I'd suggest that you are feeling anxious about your upcoming wedding but are deflecting the anxiety onto your health. Good luck with your journey!

[Sude]

I think the reason mine flared up again is the fact that I will need to be tested soon for everything as a routine procedure for marriage( piece of paper you need to apply for marriage)
I assume normal people wouldn't even think about this but I am so deeply worried about the worst scenario that they will find HIV in my blood all of the family members will find out, I won't be able to get married etc..
I think this is all because of the guilt I feel for the things that might have happen in the past...

I don't know if anyone can write something to this as everything I think is so stupid now...But thought sharing will help........

[BettyIW]

I went through that briefly Sude when I was tested for HIV when pregnant - all part of the course. Everything clear, but its like having a smear, you still worry until the results come back. Any results make people anxious, its only natural. X

[Ian41]

I too worry about HIV I am going through this now but I am on tablets for depression/anxiety and I panic with every ache or pain even tho THT tell me there was no risk I HATE this feeling.