I am so afraid of HIV.

[poor-sparrow]

Hi everyone, I am a 24 yr old woman. Here is some info about myself:

I am quite an anxious person in general, and once in a while I tend to have these huge anxieties related to my health. Whenever this happens, I lose sleep, am miserable, can't concentrate, and feel compelled to obsessively research whatever it is I am frightened of.
I think this anxiety stems from two things, the first being my education. I am a biomedical sciences graduate and am going to medical school in the autumn, so obviously I have spent years studying disease and am more aware of what's out there. Secondly, I lost two grandparents, quickly and unexpectedly within a short period of time. This was my first experience of loss and it totally freaked me out... one minute they were ok, the next minute they were dead. Sounds stupid but it made me realise I was mortal, and all those diseases I'd read about in books actually happened to real people.

My current big fear is HIV. The fear has been taking over my life for the past month or so. I have been seeing a guy on a fairly casual basis, and to be honest I don't know very much about him. He works in another city but is originally from my city, has a house here, and we meet up when he's in town. I always practice safe sex, but when I last stayed with him a month ago, the condom broke and we didn't realise until the following day. I am so upset by this! It's like I may as well not even have bothered trying to protect myself. I asked him about HIV/STI testing, and he told me that he had been tested 'a few months back, and all fine'. I don't know if I believe him. I suppose he doesn't have much reason to lie, and seemed to be telling the truth when he was saying how much he hated having the blood drawn, and how good it is that 'they let you know by text now!' I know he's probably not in a high risk group...white, educated, presumably (?!) straight male, don't get the impression of IV drug use...but who knows.

I'm so worried. I know the obvious solution is to go and get tested, but the tests available in the clinics are most reliable at 6 weeks+, and it's only been 4. I am also terrified of the results. I had the exact same thing happen before christmas (with the same guy) and went for testing in Feb. I was negative of course but the week's wait nearly killed me!

I keep monitoring my body for every little move it makes. About 10 days after the incident I had one bout of abdominal pain, nausea and diarroea. It lasted a day or so. Today (a month later) I have a tingly nose and throat. I'm so terrified these are symptoms of early HIV infection. I feel like I'm going crazy and don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I feel so alone. I know my friends have all had unprotected sex, and none of them are panicking about their own health.

Sorry this message was so long...I needed to get everything off my chest. :)

[flamarella]

i feel your pain and i hope that you feel better. i have been worried about this for years .. dont ever google symptoms because there is always a symptom your gonna have. i did an aids test once and i cant bring myself to do it again. i hope you feel better im sure your fine hunny

[MoonlightFire]

Hiya,

I can completely relate. I too have bouts of health anxiety which completely take me over...I become obsessed with a disease and research it then enter into a cycle of checking behaviours which just increase the anxiety. It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your anxiety and where it comes from which is great. Are you going through a period of stress at the moment (I mean other than the HIV fear)? I find that my health anxiety comes on as a result of stress...work stress for example.

I had an intense fear and obsession with HIV for about 10 years on and off. I had been very careful and had never had unprotected sex...apart from a couple of split condom accidents which didn't involve any ejaculate. I managed to supress the fear for years after being put on medication for anxiety and depression but last year, after going through a period of stress at work, I just couldn't contain my fears any longer and I had a breakdown and had to be signed off work with severe anxiety. I developed all sorts of wierd symptoms from aches and pains to visual problems, diarrhea, weight loss and mouth infections. Of course this heightened my fears. I was put back on medication and when I was strong enough I managed to make myself go to the STI clinic to get tested...it was negative! The relief was enormous and I am now getting on with my life and doing so much better! My advice to you would be to go for the test. It's scary but it will put an end to your HIV worry and you will get your life back. I would go along to your STI clinic and ask to discuss your worry with one of the doctors/nurses/health advisers...then, if you feel strong enough, ask them to give you the test while you are there. That way you won't feel so pressured to go through with it but the option will be there.

A few reassurring facts:
-HIV is rare in the UK...there are currently around 80,000 diagnosed patients
-If caught before it progresses to severe HIV infection (usually happens within 5-10 years) patients can live an almost normal life and can reach a normal life expectancy with medication!
-It is difficult to catch HIV. The average transmission rate from an HIV+ to an HIV- person through one instance of vaginal intercourse is 1 in 1,000
-The new HIV DUO Test is able to detect the HIV virus 28 days after infection and is available from lots of STI clinics in the UK

After you've had your test and it has come back negative I suggest you go and see a therapist to discuss your anxiety and work on some coping strategies.

I hope that helps,

M xx

[poor-sparrow]

Thank you for your replies. :)

MoonlightFire, I plucked up the courage and went for a test on thursday (2nd June) but I have to wait a week or more for results. Unfortunately the rapid tests are not available on the NHS, and the HIV DUO is only available in some hospitals & to be honest I don't think I would have been allowed one because they would not have thought i was sufficiently at risk. It all boils down to funding sadly.

The doctor I saw was very nice, but literally laughed in my face when I said I was scared I had HIV. She asked if I was a med student, and when I told her I was a biomedical graduate, and going to med school in the fall, she laughed again and said I had typical 'med student paranoia'.

So I have a 7-10 day wait (well, 4-7 day wait now) for the results, which is obviously sending me crazy with anxiety. The rational part of me knows that I probably won't be positive, but the silly hysterical part of me is planning how to tell people, and I can't stop thinking that i won't be able to be a surgeon if I am positive. I'm losing sleep, I'm grumpy and weepy and Ive totally lost my apetite.

As to anxiety in general, I would not say I was under a lot of stress right now. I'm in the fortunate position of having the whole summer off until uni starts, so really I should just be enjoying these months of freedom before the real hard work starts. I guess I am a little sad for various reasons, but I can't see any reason why I should be otherwise anxious.

Thanks for reading. It feels good to vent.

[london79]

Hi there

I know how you feel regarding HIV anxiety, I have 'lived' with this for the past 5 years. I am always safe but go into a panic if I develop a cold after safe sex and start to think I am starting to seroconvert.

I think I am worse than you in the sense that I have taken PEP (post exposure prophylaxis) 3 times after safe incidents, but I imagined them to be unsafe, and then would test myself every week after to make sure that I had not picked up HIV.

I am sure you are fine.

Steve

[poor-sparrow]

London79, I'm surprised you found a practitioner who was willing to prescribe PEP after safe incidents. Was it a private clinic? PEP is so expensive!!

[london79]

Well the safe incidents one involved someone who was HIV positive but we had safe sex but my anxiety went into free fall and the hospital put me on it as I wanted to go on it.

The other two times I have gone on it because of my anxiety in relation to HIV. I know it expensive and I am not proud to say that I have been on it, in some ways I know I cannot get in this situation again. No I did not pay for it privately. I was treated on the NHS. I do know that its very expensive privately.

[poor-sparrow]

I can understand you wanting PEP after being with someone who was known to be HIV+, even though you were safe. I think my anxiety would go crazy over that too so I don't blame you. I'd probably have done exactly the same.

Ahh I wish results day would hurry up. I've not been sleeping well and I so miss being at peace at the end of the day and falling into a nice deep sleep. :weep:
I don't feel like I can bother the clinic. They told me it would be 7-10 days. They'd probably be annoyed with me if I called them. I don't see why they can't just text results as soon as they arrive. I'd rather be at home to hear good OR bad news.