Anxious and feeling guilty

[ames]

Hi
I suffered from a nervous breakdown about 4 weeks ago and have been put back on citalopram. I have been taking 30mg for a week after starting on 10 and working up. I know my mood has improved but I am still very anxious about leaving the house. I have come to stay with my mum while I go through this and left my fiancé at home (we only live 5 mins away) and am starting to feel guilty about this, like I should be able to be in my own home, but the thought of being there just makes me sooo anxious!! My lovely fiancé understands but I just can't seem to give myself a break about it, constantly thinking about what others must think of me. I even get anxious when he comes over to see me and he believes this is all to do with the fact that I am feeling guilty. I am hardly seeing my friends and barely leaving the house. When I do go out I feel really anxious, and although I manage to do what I need to, with the support of my mum, I feel no pride in myself for achieving things because I think that I should be able to do normal things and just feel frustrated that I can't, rather then seeing the positive. I get married in august and am terrified that I will still be this way by then. I really need to know if others have felt like this or can offer any advice?? I just feel like such a failure. Sorry to go on so much, but I just need to let it all out!!
Thanks. Xx

[debs71]

Hi ames,

Try to give yourself a break if you can. It is really early days for you at the moment. so soon after your breakdown and everything you mention in terms of the way you are feeling is completely understandable and normal. The meds need time to get into your system again, and the dose has increased, so not only are you dealing with the effects of the meds, but also the existing anxiety prior to and following your breakdown. Things will get better for you. No-one feels like doing any of the things you can't face doing with anxiety, myself for one. I couldn't leave the house after my breakdown, hid myself away from my friends AND family and the thought of leaving home would cause a panic attack. I also could not be alone as I felt so scared all the time, not knowing why. Guilt and the feelings of failure again are normal with anxiety and/or depression. As far as your wedding goes, don't even look that far ahead hun. Take each day as it comes and focus on your own recovery and needs right now. Nobody who loves you will think any less of you for it, and will only want you to do that.

When we are really in the grip of anxiety, it is so hard to look ahead and see the positive, and also to believe that we will get better, or that anyone else has what we have, but honestly, you will feel better, and you are not alone.

Things like gaining back your independent living with your fiance and going out of the house will all come back in time, and once you start to feel better from the meds (which are kind of like a crutch to assist your confidence to do those things) you will find that little by little you can face those things again.

Lots of love and a big hug.xx:bighug1:

[ames]

Thank you so much debs, it's nice to hear that what I am going through is normal. I have suffered with anxiety for 17 years on and off but never like this. It's scary, and I really want to just beable to pick myself up again, but I know it's going to take time. I really appreciate that you took the time to respond, and understand what I am going through, it gives me hope. Xx:hugs:

[debs71]

Anytime Ames.

It will take time but I am sure you will get there. So many of us can relate to all of your feelings and experiences.

Love and best wishes.xxx:hugs:

[ames]

I just can't stop thinking that I am never gonna feel better, inside I just feel down and the thought of going out and going back home and going back to work just terrifies me. I don't know what to do?? I know I need to have some sort of counselling but I just don't feel ready or that I am strong enough. Please help, I feel helpless and worthless. I have my hen do in 2 weeks, and then my mum goes away for 3 weeks. I just don't know how I will cope.

[debs71]

Hi hun.

It is REALLY hard to see that you can and will recover during and after a nervous breakdown, because everything is still fresh, like an open wound, but I assure you that you will. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there myself. I thought that I was never going to recover. I remember thinking 'I don't know who I am anymore' and when I looked in the mirror, it was like I was looking at a stranger. The strangest, most horrible feeling. As days pass though, you WILL start to improve. The meds affect your feelings too, and with the increased dose, so please give yourself some time hun. Each day that you are facing your fears, you are winning, please bear that in mind. Counselling is a great idea, but something you can only do when you are ready. I delayed mine twice before I actually could face going. I think I was meant to go in Feb and ended up going in August. WHEN you feel strong enough, you can look into that, but until then you have to give yourself time hun.

You are not worthless. You are unwell, and please try not to feel guilty about that. You have so much to look forward to, and you will get there.

If you need to PM me anytime you are very welcome.xxxxx:bighug1:

[ames]

Thank you. Xx

[ames]

Hi,
So I have a a few better days, managed to get out a bit (although still anxious, but not gripping on to my mum for dear life) and had friends round, had my fiancé round alot. Even on sat night saw more then a glimpse of the old me. But today I am feeling pretty anxious today, don't want to go out and just feel wobbly. Is this normal?? When you feel like your getting somewhere then feel crappy? Tomorrow will be 2 weeks on 30mg of citalopram. Sorry to keep posting but just need reassurance!! Thanks. Xx

[wanttoheal]

What you are feeling is very normal. I have great days with very little anxiety and the next day, I feel scared and anxious. We're going to have ups and downs, but like Debs71 says, we need to allow ourselves time. Anxiety is a disease and our mind/body will have moments when we feel worse, just like having the flu, but if we rest and nurture our minds/bodies, we will get through these tougher days. Hang in there. You are doing great!

[ames]

Thank you. Xx

[wanttoheal]

You are welcome! Hang in there my friend. We'll get through this together.:D

[ames]

We will!! Keep me posted on how your doing. Xx