If "a bad person can't be bad all the time", what about a good person?

[On The Outside]

I've spent many years obsessing about good and bad, right and wrong. I see myself as a good, kind, caring and honest person but I often have obsessive thoughts about how I perceive the way I'm seen by people who don't know me. This seems common for OCD sufferers like myself. I've read about and spoken to people (not necessarily friends but acquaintances at work, on courses etc) who have very unpleasant, even violent thoughts which disturb them though they would never act upon them.

If ever I feel that someone is accusing me of being bad or not very nice in some way (usually only based on me expressing some feelings of anger or bitterness which are usually fairly restrained compared to most people) I immediately start thinking of the people in this world who genuinely are nasty, devious, manipulative, abusive and evil. Throughout my life, I've met and known of people who have done terrible things to people and got away with this sort of behaviour. Sometimes others have justified the things they did and said things like "well, they had a bad upbringing". I would never truly want to do what bad people do and, if I did, I believe I would feel very guilty and not be able to live with myself.

So what is my motive for writing about this? Well, I've never really understood why some people choose to stick by, stay with or defend abusive, violent, controlling and nasty friends or partners. I've found it particularly perplexing to read of women who have been with "men" who treat them bad (physically, verbally, emotionally and/or psychologically) when this type of behaviour has been so at odds with my own and, yet, I find it almost impossible to find a woman who will accept me even as a friend (!!), let alone as "boyfriend material". I would never dream of treating someone the way some have but I'm not a strong or confident person in the way some of these alpha males are and so am probably seen as "pathetic" by most women.

Someone once said to me "even a bad person can't be bad all the time" when I couldn't understand why she wanted to keep photos of their ex after some of the things she told me he did to her. I had tried to help her when she had told me she'd been in an "abusive and violent relationship" and felt really upset for her about how she said she had been treated and angry that someone could take advantage of her in that way. We had become friends and I couldn't believe it when it turned out that, unlike anyone else I'd ever known, she was interested in many of the same things as me! Whereas her ex had apparently shared very few of her interests and behaved in a very controlling way, telling her what she could and could not watch or listen to, how she should dress, spend her money etc. Or so she kept telling me which naturally cause me to respond with contempt for him which I had no qualms about expressing. But then who wouldn't take the side of someone who said they had been abused and feel angry and sickened by an abuser's behaviour? And why should one person try to dominate someone and make them live their life in accordance with their own ideals?

But "even a bad person can't be bad all the time"...... So if that's a good reason to stay with someone, what about a good person who just wants a normal, loving relationship with a woman, wants to treat her with kindness and respect and would never want to knock her about, shout at her, make demands of her or expect her to like and dislike the same things? A good person may not be able to be good all the time either. They may say or do something that is taken the wrong way or was a genuine mistake. But if someone truly horrible can be forgiven for heinous behaviour, surely someone with decent morals and values shouldn't be held in contempt and discarded for criticising such people who do wrong to others?

Or maybe I'm just overreacting to the realisation that this "special friend" I thought I'd made who I cared a lot about and thought a lot of doesn't want anything more to do with me and wants me to leave her alone. (!!) Me who wouldn't even know anything about her if she hadn't contacted me first and even wrote that she didn't think I'd bother replying to her after a few messages which made me think she needed me. Me who kept her entertained for hours talking about our shared interests and making her laugh and trying to comfort and console her after what she told me she had been through and that her ex was still harrassing her. Me who worked hard to overcome my anxiety and met up with her and thought we had got on well. Me who was on eggshells with her trying not to upset her or hurt her in any way, offering to buy her things and accomodate her in any way I could. And yet, for all of this and more, she has now written me off completely!! I have no significance in her life. She just used me when there was nobody else and now twists things around only choosing to remember whatever she disliked aboit me and none of my good points.

To make it a thousand times worse, she says she's now involved with someone else who I believe she met through the only other friend she had made. The abuser is apparently out of her life now and, she believed, would find another vulnerable, gullible victim to manipulate as he had done before he met her. I think of all the mental and emotional pain I've suffered in my life, being bullied at school and in my adult life, used and manipulated by so called friends, injustices and unfairnesses that have left me cold and bitter. But I haven't turned out like these horrible men (or, in some cases, women). I'm not saying I should be like that either. I wouldn't want to be. I have a conscience and I know what is good and bad, right and wrong. Something that abusers don't have and I now wonder if she has a conscience or feels any guilt about throwing me out of her life like she has with very little explanation after weeks of blanking me.

I spent weeks beating myself up mentally, trying to think back to what I had said and worrying myself sick, not to mention concerned for her safety since her ex had apparently told her he would get someone to kill her. I was going out of my mind with worry and didn't want to say anything that would hurt her. I sent her friendly, generic texts about things we both liked which she ignored. She wouldn't answer her mobile when she called. And then she has the cheek to turn around and tell me to leave her alone as if my attempts at reopening a line of communication is some sort of harrassment!! When, for years, she repeatedly went back to a really horrible, alcoholic thug (who purported to be a born again Christian, despite beating up and threatening innocent people!!), let herself be victimized and apparently turned against her own family. She kept his abusive and unpleasant texts and read them over and over again, upsetting herself more. She said it was like "picking a scab".

Well, maybe now she's with someone else, she can move on from the years she wasted with someone who apparently (I keep using that word as I took her word and her side for everything she told me) treated her like a piece of dirt. But where does that leave me apart from broken hearted and with a mind full of memories of someone I had believed might end up being the love of my life? She knew before she even contacted me that I'm very sensitive and vulnerable, that I had written about being desperate to find a girlfriend and that I have many problems and struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings. Can she really, seriously think it's OK to just get rid of me like that as if I've just served a purpose and have nothing more to offer? And that I can just pick myself up and say "Oh well, that's the end of that" and move on to someone or something else??? It's just not possible!!

I'm a shadow of the shadow of my former self I was this time last year. I have very low self esteem and, having started to feel someone very special to me wanted me for who I am and accepted and understood me, I now feel more undesirable than ever! (Yes, more so than the evil men with ulterior motives for getting involved with women who aren't shy and hung up and can somehow turn on whatever they have that passes for charm.) The best thing I could do is completely forget about her. But I've held onto sad and unpleasant memories for years so that won't be easy unless I have drastic treatment. (And I can't even see a decent doctor or therapist in the NHS!!) There are TV shows, films and music I loved for years which I can no longer watch or listen to because I now associate them with her.

What can I do? But wait for the next thing to go wrong for me while there are bad people out there getting away with all sorts of terrible things and not necessarily being punished.

[debs71]

Hi,

It is very hard not to analyse, and over analyse every nuance of both oursleves and the other person when a relationship or involvement breaks up, been there, done that, got the t shirt, but often it is a fruitless task unless something is gained from the analysis - like self reflection, learning from mistakes made, etc - but the bottom line is that more often than not, it only prolongs the heartache. It is a sad fact and I know it is certainly a cliche, but things sometimes just are not meant to be. Two people can totally click, totally get each other and mesh together in a perfect way, and other times not. Some people can be in what they THINK is a perfect relationship from their point of view, and yet their view isn't reciprocated by the other person, although every sign TELLS THEM their feelings are returned and it is ok, but it just isn't.

Yes there are 'bad people' out there who go from relationship to relationship and can pick up partners with ease, and there are those that stick with those types even though they are the worst people in the world, but those relationships are not the healthy kind. They are borne from poor self esteem, control, fear and dependence, either emotional (sick as that sounds) or financial.

Pity the person who leaves someone with your good qualities to return to someone like that. It is not your failing, it is theirs, and whilst they may not admit as such, that is the perception to most people on the outside looking in on abusive relationships and the people drawn back to them.

I know how you feel. When you are a good person is it hard to accept the injustice of lesss fragrant types getting all the breaks, but you must not look at yourself as a failure because of that.

Don't give up.xx:hugs:

[On The Outside]

Thanks for your reply, Debs, and for being sympathetic. I didn't think anyone would reply to this. I initially wanted to write about the whole injustice of bad people getting breaks, finding partners who they don't even treat properly and good people being ignored, rejected or written off (maybe for something trivial). But, as this is something that has affected me badly from my own shortlived experience, I ended up writing a lot about this which may not have helped.

As you say, it's the overanalysis of it all that makes it so much worse. I might have accomplished a lot more during the last couple of months if I could have just let go of this and tried to move on but, with nothing and nobody to move on to, I've just been going over and over it all in my mind.

For me, it's been the most significant thing that's happened in my life in a very long time and something that initially gave me a huge amount of hope and optimism. I realise that there are probably a lot of people who go through heartache and loss but they are somehow able to fill their lives with other things or have a good network of supportive and understanding friends (something I don't have) who help them to get over the heartache and rejection.

I wish I could see myself as something other than a failure and be able to say that it's her loss. Sometimes I can but I always end up analysing it all again and getting nowhere. I doubt whether she even thinks about me once during her day or associates me with her interests. I do hope I eventually find someone but I've no idea how long I will have to wait for this or how much work I will have to do at building my confidence to attract and keep someone.

I did pity her and felt more sorry for her than I do for myself for some time. I don't know as she has gone back to that type of person (something I initially considered when I didn't hear from her for weeks). I would certainly hope she had the sense not to. But, all the same, for someone who has never done a day's work in her life, apparently been agoraphobic and shy, she's had no problem finding someone else she wants to be with which, with her limited social skills, has only happened because her much more confident friend had a wide circle of friends and introduced her to someone. I can't help wishing that I had a friend or friends like that who could help bring me out of myself and help me meet someone, instead of spending years with someone who is immature, overbearing and as unlikely to make any progress with his life than I am.

She once said she felt inferior to me because she had only known a few people in her adult life but I'd communicated with maybe a couple of hundred. But, as I said to her, for all these people I've communicated with, very few have become friends or had much time for me. I might as well of not bothered talking to any of them which is why I left most of the sites I met them on. Most of those people had little in common with me except for the same ailments so I don't have much hope of finding good friends when one who liked many of the same things and seemed so on my wavelength doesn't want to know me.