Very Low.

[hannah26]

Hello,

My name is Hannah and I had my first panic attack a little while after after my 16th birthday I am now 26.
Now I am feeling better, touch wood, or at least I was until a few days ago, I have been out of work for about a year I want a job so badly so I was so happy that I got one 4 weeks ago now its in a hospital as a hca on a cancer ward, I didnt really think about what the job would entail I was just so happy to get a job.
I was supposed to start today so on Saturday I went to pick up my uniform and when I stepped on to the ward the smell of hospital hit me, I hate hospitals what the flipping hell was I thinking.
And then I saw a poor lady suffering from cancer she looked so ill, I cant get her out of my head and I have been anxious and so worried ever since and then this morning when I was supposed to go I had a massive panic attack and didnt go in, I feel like crap sorry for the langauge.
I have let my manager down and myself but I just dont know what to do.

I want to ring up the manager/ward sister and tell her how I feel but I am just so embarressed and feel like a complete failiure.
I want to move on with my life, I want to move out from my mums house I love her and my little sis so much but I need to grow up but I cant do that without a job but my anxiety and low self esteem just stops me.
I just feel so rubbish, I am so scared that I will be at home forever jujst me and my mum and I dont want that I really dont, I want a boyfriend and children but I just dont think its gonna happen for me and I am petfified that I will be alone with no life forever, I feel like I am living a half life and waiting for my real one to begin but I know that it wont without me doing something but I just dont know what, I have no close friends to turn to, well thats a lie I have no friends full stop.
It never used to be like this before PA's and anxiety I was so happy, had loads of friends, went out had fun and felt content, now it couldnt be further from that.
I dont want to complain to much because I am very lucky that I have my wonderful family, a roof over my head and a sort of healthy body and a lot of people do not.
What should I do, what can I do!!
I am so sorry for the long post I just needed to unload, I hope you dont mind, jujst feeling a bit pooey!!!
Hannah x x x

[lizzie29]

If I were you, I'd speak to your ward sister about how you are feeling. It must be quite usual when people start a job like that for them to be upset by what they see, and even for those who've been in the job for years, I bet they still get upset at times. There may be some advice they can give about how to cope with seeing people like that. Do you think it might become easier? If you were able to go back then you might adjust to it a bit. What made you go for that job in the first place? Try to focus on that and what you thought you'd get from it and what you were looking forward to.

There are lots of people your age living at home and many people older too. Focus on trying to handle your anxiety first - you can't do too much in one go. Do you have any hobbies? This might be a way to meet friends and also if you find something you really enjoy it'll give you something else to focus on rather than anxiety.

[On The Outside]

Sorry to read how you're feeling, Hannah. I used to have panic attacks a lot during my teens and twenties but don't get them so often in my 30s. I know how you feel about being alone forever as this is the one thing that scares me the most. I don't believe I'm ever going to have a life because of all the problems I have. It's particularly difficult when you don't have friends or don't have the right sort of friends that can help you.

I think you should be proud of yourself that you at least tried to work even though you found it difficult when you got to the hospital.

[Deepest Blue]

Hi Hannah:hugs:

I'm sorry to read about your situation and sending you some virtual hugs hoping you feel better soon.

I certainly can appreciate how you feel towards working in hospitals seeing many ill patients would really upset me too. In some ways you have to be thick skinned and somehow block what's around you, almost completely detatching yourself (especially emotionally).

I know you questioned yourself about why you took the job and what you were thinking but I think what you did was the right thing and shows you want to work. The desire is there so therefore you will find another job soon enough. I myself have done it too where certainly in the interview the job doesn't always sound the same and you will only really know when you start it. The first day is always the worst too.

You're definately not a failure.

In terms of the job, you have a couple of choices here where you give it another day or two, or maybe even a week and see if it gets any better. If not then you will have to speak with your manager and let her know how you feel because it will only make you feel worse and your anxiety will get worse.

Hopefully your manager will understand. Let her know exactly what kind of tasks you struggle with and maybe she won't get you to do them. Maybe see if she can get you to do something else altogether.

I can really relate to you about the other things you talked about when you say feeling rubbish and that your low self esteem stops you from doing the things you want, I have that too. I feel like if I tried to move forward that I would end up ruining it anyway or I would make a mess of it somehow so I stay in a place where I feel safe which isn't good because nothing will change. I'd love to meet someone too but as you say goodness knows if I will because living alone is frightening and I sincerely hate it.

Try not to put too much emphasis on too many things at once, I think you have so much going through your mind at the same time and by doing that you're not able to deal with any of them properly because the focus isn't there. You immediate attention should be with resolving the job situation as the other things will hopefully fall into place for you.

I hope you feel better soon, if you need anybody to talk to then please feel free to message me :)

Take Care x

[kate11]

hi hannah,

i really can relate. im a hca working all over but quite alot in oncology. and its hard sometmes, my mum died from cancer and it affected other members of my family so you might think oncology is a strange choice.
I get panic attacks but cover it well at work, its nothing to be ashamed of, it just takes a bit of time to bring it under control, and even then there are bad days.
If the job isnt for you, dont feel bad. oncology is very hard emotionally and the choice of work is a very personal thing. for example, i cant work with kids.
Speak to your manager, im sure you'll find many nurses have found some aspects of patient care difficult. ive come home and cried many times.
I love what i do because i can take my experiences, especially the anxiety and use it to help others. ive held hands of those passing away and although its sad, im happy knowing ive helped make that persons final moments as comfortable and dignified as possible. I see my mum in many people which gets me. but i wouldnt change a thing about my job.
And the smell you get used to! lol ive smelt some things which would curl your toes!

Feel free to get in touch anytime, i get hw hard it is and trust me you are not in anyway a failure, you will get through this.x