Very Low.

[hannah26]

Hello,

My name is Hannah and I had my first panic attack a little while after after my 16th birthday I am now 26.
Now I am feeling better, touch wood, or at least I was until a few days ago, I have been out of work for about a year I want a job so badly so I was so happy that I got one 4 weeks ago now its in a hospital as a hca on a cancer ward, I didnt really think about what the job would entail I was just so happy to get a job.
I was supposed to start today so on Saturday I went to pick up my uniform and when I stepped on to the ward the smell of hospital hit me, I hate hospitals what the flipping hell was I thinking.
And then I saw a poor lady suffering from cancer she looked so ill, I cant get her out of my head and I have been anxious and so worried ever since and then this morning when I was supposed to go I had a massive panic attack and didnt go in, I feel like crap sorry for the langauge.
I have let my manager down and myself but I just dont know what to do.

I want to ring up the manager/ward sister and tell her how I feel but I am just so embarressed and feel like a complete failiure.
I want to move on with my life, I want to move out from my mums house I love her and my little sis so much but I need to grow up but I cant do that without a job but my anxiety and low self esteem just stops me.
I just feel so rubbish, I am so scared that I will be at home forever jujst me and my mum and I dont want that I really dont, I want a boyfriend and children but I just dont think its gonna happen for me and I am petfified that I will be alone with no life forever, I feel like I am living a half life and waiting for my real one to begin but I know that it wont without me doing something but I just dont know what, I have no close friends to turn to, well thats a lie I have no friends full stop.
It never used to be like this before PA's and anxiety I was so happy, had loads of friends, went out had fun and felt content, now it couldnt be further from that.
I dont want to complain to much because I am very lucky that I have my wonderful family, a roof over my head and a sort of healthy body and a lot of people do not.
What should I do, what can I do!!
I am so sorry for the long post I just needed to unload, I hope you dont mind, jujst feeling a bit pooey!!!
Hannah x x x
Sorry I posted this in two places as I was unsure where to put it..x

[Tyke]

Hi Hannah

I think many people would find working in a hospital tough, even if they didn't have anxiety issues. You just need to decide whether it is possible for you to continue with it or whether it was really a mistake and the job is just never going to suit you. It is possible if you stuck at it you might get used to it. Even if you never get to like it, you might be able to get another job with the health authority if you stay around a bit. You could also see your doctor about medication to help you through a bad patch if you think it might be worthwhile.

If you have to call it a day though, you are still young enough to have a go at something else, even if it might take a while to obtain another post in the current climate. Sometimes you only get an idea of what you really want to do by trying a few things out. There is still plenty of time to make a success of your life.

Tyke

[dreamer100]

Hi Hannah!

Do not despair! If this job is totally not for you then admit it to yourself-you will feel better.

I had a similar situation-though I did manage to go to the job for a few weeks-I felt terrible.

One day, I had a PA and told my boss it was a migrane. I went home and a few days later he rang me to make sure I was IO. I came clean and told him. He was very understanding and I FELT BETTER.

And the point is, it is all about you. If you are up to it, call them and come clean. I am sure being from the NHS they will above all people understand.

You obviously impressed them at interview and they may be able to adjust the role or point you in the direction of somewhere else.

You sound like a decent person and I am sure if you do this, it will give you some sense of fulfillment and you will feel less down.
Let me know how you go on.

[nicola1987]

Hi Hannah,

I feel exactly the same about my new job, I was so happy to get a job in a sector I knew that I didn't consider what it would be like going from part time to full time, to a job that was much busier, had much higher standards and into a job where I would have far more responsibilities.

I am currently trying to decide whether to stay at the job or leave as I feel like it is just not right for me. I am going to talk to the manager when he is next in to discuss how I feel and if there is anything I an do to change my situation eg less hours.

If you want to PM you can as I feel we are in similar positions :)

Nicola

[hannah26]

Thank you thank you thank you for your lovely replies I have since come clean as it were to my new manager and she has been fantastic, because I havent officially started yet she has moved my start date back and is going to get in contact with occupational health to work out how it would be easier for me to start.
She was so lovely she said I was really brilliant at the interview and they all thought I had lots of potential which has made me feel so much better!!
Thank you Nicola its always good, well not good but nice to be reasurred by someone who is going through the same sort of thing, and Tyke and Dreamer100 thank you for your kind words!!
I feel better already!! x x x