Feel like screaming sometimes :(

[debs71]

Hi,

I have been feeling very down since the recent lowering of my meds and have not been coping too well with life in general. I have a number of things going on - job searching, lack of money, relationship worries and frankly, all I feel like doing is hiding myself away, the same as I was with depression.

I am bearing up...last week I struggled to get out of bed and this week I am pushing myself to keep my chin up, but now I am dreading tomorrow.

My cousin gets married again in July, and my Mother - being an ex dressmaker - has agreed to shorten her dress for her. I live with my parents right now and I have just been told that she is coming around tomorrow, with her two kids in tow (who, as much as I love, are a handful). I know it sounds selfish, but I just don't think I can handle this as I am just not in the right frame of mind to be around them right now. I am so trying to keep my head together and sort myself out that any kind of social thing - even with family - is too much for me at this moment.

The trouble is, my Mother in particular has a way of making me feel really guilty about this. I have tried to explain a million times about my anxiety and depression, but she just doesn't get it really, and just sees it as me being antisocial, which leads to me feeling guilty and even more down than I do already. I really do not mean to snub people. It just feels too overwhelming.

I am not sure why I am posting, I think I just wanted to vent a bit, and wondered what anyone thinks about this.

Am I selfish? Should I make an effort? :shrug:

[paula lynne]

You, lovely girl, are the least selfish person I know. Why dont you say a big "Hello"! to the visitors, make a cuppa for everyone, then go have a bath or shower or something? Even better, put a conditioner on your hair, wrap in a towel.....then after cuppa say "Right, off to have a bath and wash this off!"...
Youve nothing to feel guilty about. Youve got a lot on your mind and the way you feel is nataral. Everything is on top of you, and it effects the way you feel, day after day.....I know things will get better for you soon. Hang in there love xxxxx:hugs:

[debs71]

Thanks so much Paula....you are so kind and supportive. xxxxxx:hugs:

[suzy-sue]

Hi Debs im sorry you are having a bad time of it .Its not your fault and I can truly understand where you are coming from .You dont have to explain yourself and should definately not feel guilty .I would also advise you pop in and say a quick hello .if the hair bath suggestion doesnt suit .Just say you have a headache and need to have a lie down .Sod what people think .You must do what is best for you right now ..Hope everything improves soon for you and you meds settle down soon .Takecare and dont feel bad your cousin will be more interested in her dress to worry about what your doing ...luv Sue :hugs:xxx

[debs71]

I feel so low. Had a blazing row with my Mum. I explained my reasons and she rolled her eyes to the heavens. She said that Dad and her had been talking and that they feel that - if Dad pays for it - I should have counselling again.

I have done nothing but cry all night. I am so demoralised and angry. My anxiety is ok right now, it is just I am low, and I know how I am feeling and I am certain it is a combination of the reduced cipralex and also the seemingly unsolveable problems I have right now which are bringing me down. I explained - or tried to - that sitting for an hour with a counsellor/psychologist is not going to work out these problems, and I just end up coming back to them. It is myself I am down on as well, as I am frustrated as to where my life is going. I have lost all direction. I turn 40 in July and I feel like the eternal teenager here. I just truly know that my own psyche isn't the actual issue now. I feel that my family have just labelled me as the anxious/depressed one and don't get that my problems are external this time.

I'm sorry if I whinge on. I just feel pretty hopeless right now.

Thanks so much Sue and Paula.xxxxxxx:hugs:

[suzy-sue]

Sorry to hear that Debs .:hugs:It can take a long time to get back on Track .Dont beat yourself up .Its not helped when you dont have family who understand. .As far as your parents go ,they are trying to help in a manner they see fit ,But obviously havnt a clue where they are going wrong .You will only make yourself anxious again trying to think about too much at once .Tommorow maybe write a list of what you need to do to make you feel happier in life .It cerainly wont happen overnight but im sure with time you will make the changes necessary .Jobs are hard to find for anyone at the moment .But you will succeed in finding something even if its part time to start .40 isnt over the hill and you have a lot of years ahead of you .Try to believe that .I hope you have a good rest tonight and you wake up with a determined frame of mind .Not to let this knock you back .Cuting down on meds doesnt help as it can make you feel very down for a while .Im doing the same and it does pass .Take care and I hope you feel better tomorrow ..Luv Sue x:hugs:

[Sanmarbro]

Hope you are feeling better today.

I think it may help to take just a day at a time and concentrate on NOW - this moment. Then resolve to do something positive with your time now. Do your hair, have a shower, make a cake, listen to some favourite music. Try to stop thinking about your direction for the time being because it will take care of itself.

I am doing a Mindfulness Course at the moment which has been very helpful to me. It encourages one to concentrate on THIS moment and not ruminate on thoughts of the past or future, which are, after all, just thoughts.

Aim to concentrate on eating well, exercise, fresh air etc.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" so please don't allow your Mum to make you feel guilty!

Be strong, smile now and, as the poster says "Keep Calm and Carry On"

Best wishes.

[dreamer100]

Hi Debs!

No you are not selfish-it is just the way you are dealing with it at the moment.
As per a reply post, I would suggest you give a big hello and offer to make a coffee or something-then take yourself out of the situation (go to shops, go have a bath, etc)
This way you will pacify yr mum and guests.

It is a pity yr mum does not understand-if u cannot explain to her how you feel, try leaving some articles relating to anxiety around the house so she may pick-up and read.
If her actions are causing you additional anxiety you need to tell her. If u cannot, leave her a note and let her know.

Good luck

[debs71]

Thanks so much for all of your really kind replies.

Well, I excused myself today and went over to my Sister's place. It was good psychologically to leave the house for a new area and environment. I cleared my head with a wander around the shops and then went to my sister's house. We had a good chat about things, which helped me make sense of a lot of things. I am still in turmoil as to know which way to go, but I think just talking did help.

Love and thanks to you all.xxxxx:bighug1:

[Tyke]

Hi Debs

Just wondered why you were lowering your meds at the moment? You seem to have so many things going on which are stressful, wouldn't it be better to stick with your usual dose and reduce when you are feeling a bit more in control of things? Your parents seem to have added to your problems, but maybe if your usual dose of meds had prevented you getting so down it would probably have kept them quiet too! It might be easier to cut down when you have found work or something.

Tyke

[debs71]

Hi Tyke,

Thanks for your post. I know what you mean. My family have said the same thing to me. I have been on and off Cipralex for many years and have never been happy about taking them, whilst I know they have helped me overall.

I do however feel that if I wait until 'the right time' and stay on the dose I have been on - 10mg - it really is not going to make much difference overall, as even on that dose I have been feeling less than satisfied with the external things going on. The bottom line is that the meds will give me a crutch, but not solve anything in my mind.

I have also experienced considerable weight gain, sluggishness and fatigue whilst on the meds which - if anything - has made me feel more down and frustrated which to me defeats the object. Whilst I have many things going on right now, and whilst I know it is hard to understand reducing meds at the same time, I just do not want to rely on the meds for clarity anymore.

I do not see being on meds as a failure, or have any shame about it, they have truly been a Godsend for me when I had my breakdown, but I do wish my life to move forward, and a huge part of that is reducing my medication. I am not saying it is necessarily the right choice in a medical sense, but in a personal sense, for me it is.

Thanks very much for replying.xxx:)

[Tyke]

Hi Debs

Do you think voluntary work might help your situation? If you are struggling to find work, don't have much cash and find your parents are getting on your nerves it is a good way of getting out and meeting people. Local opportunities can be found through www.do-it.org.uk (http://www.do-it.org.uk) It can also be useful for getting references as well as making you generally more attractive to employers.

Tyke

[Hazel B]

Thinking of you and send as big hug. :bighug1:

I hope this passes very soon.

[KayleighJane]

hello there, I am sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it at the moment. I can't really give much advice but I think probably its just that your parents don't understand and they probably just don't know what to do, my mum gets frustrated with me sometimes but I know she isn't being mean or horrible its just that she doesn't understand and she doesn't know how to help me. It must be hard for your parents to see you going through a hard time and not knowing how to help.

I agree with paula though regarding the family visit, having a bath and washing your hair keeps you a bit out of the picture and you can just pop down and have a cuppa and then go back up and finish your hair :)

I hope you are feeling better soon and am sending you my best wishes :)

Kayleigh xx

[debs71]

Thanks so much to you all for your helpful replies (sorry for not replying sooner)

Tyke, I think the voluntary work is something to think about definitely as I am going a bit stir crazy at home I think which doesn't help anxiety.

Hazel - thanks for your kind reply and support as ever. Hope you are ok.xxx

Kayleigh - I agree. I think my parents do just want to help me, and feel powerless, then I get upset as I don't feel it is the help I need, which I know isn't fair on them when they mean well.

I feel a bit less tense now I have had a word with my sister about things. It felt like a relief as I had been carrying my failure feelings around all week.

Sanmarbro's reply really made me think clearer as well about concentrating on the here and now, and not thinking far ahead.

Lots of love and thanks.xxxx:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1: