d85
02-06-11, 13:30
Hello,
I registered a few days ago but haven't been sure of what to write about my situation. I'm a 25 year old male from the UK, and have no idea how to sort my life out.
I think a lot of my anxiety has stemmed from the death of my granddad, who passed away last October. No one close to me had ever died before, and I think it shook me more than I realised at the time. I've always been a little worried about my health, but I'd say probably no more than the 'average' person. I never obsessed about it.
However, in February of this year, I was falling asleep one night before I was due to spend a weekend in London, when I suddenly started to stress about HIV. For the next few days, I was a wreck after believing I'd become infected during past sexual activity (even though I hadn't done anything for 2 years, and before that one time, it was another 1.5 years). In the end, I decided to have a rapid HIV test at one of the main GUM clinics when I arrived in London, which came back negative and put my worries to rest in that respect. I did have a little worry as I was wandering around London that I could've caught something through the fingerprick they used to test the blood, but that went out of my head after a couple of days.
Over the next few months, I had the odd pain here and there that has been explainable in the end in each instance, though at the time it tore me apart through anxiety. I had a small, slightly painful lump on my epiglottis that turned out to just be an infected scratch though I fully believed it was throat cancer. Then I had arm pain which I was 99% sure was RSI from computer use, but as it persisted & my brain overworked, I started to think it was some sort of arthritis & that I'd need an operation. Then I had a pain in my groin which I first thought was a hernia, saw a doctor who said it was just a painful lymph node that'd most likely go, which it did after a few weeks (I believe it was from an insect bite that I didn't see at the time), but I'd already convinced myself I'd need an operation to remove it.
Then the most recent problem, which is where my current anxiety/paranoia has stemmed from, was due to some testicular pain I had for 10 days before I booked a GP's appointment. By then I'd spent days googling possible causes, and had convinced myself I'd got an STD—again, after not having had any sexual contact for 2.5 years by this point. I'd not been tested for some years before, however, so I'd additionally convinced myself that I'd had it for years and that it'd been damaging my body the whole time. I decided to book a sexual health checkup with my local GUM clinic.
By the time I saw my GP, I'd had the pain for 2 weeks. He said it was probably epididymitis & that it'd clear by itself. He did mention sexual health because of my age, and I told him I had the clinic appointment, which he said was a good idea, just to be sure.
However, the prospect of the checkup at the GUM clinic brought back all of my anxieties about my previous HIV test. At first I didn't think much of it, but then when I read that they'd offer me another HIV test (which would take 2 weeks to come back), I started to stress about whether I should have it because I didn't think I could bare the wait for the results. Then I convinced myself the test in February was wrong, or the person who did it misread it and then I became paranoid that the lady who did it just decided she didn't like me & gave me the wrong result. I couldn't focus on anything else. I didn't work, and I barely ate. All I did was google the test I had in February, how it's performed, accuracy rates etc. I rang an advisor at the Terrence Higgins Trust to discuss my anxiety, and he was very helpful. In the end, I decided not to have the HIV test (but would continue with all of the other tests).
So I went to my appointment (still worrying about whether I'd made the right decision to not have the HIV test) and spoke to a very nice nurse who took my history etc. We decided that they'd do a blood test for syphilis and for hep B antibodies (to see if I'd been vaccinated, I believe). They then did the swabs, the nurse left and I sat down for the blood test with a lady who was there to help during the swabs, and also seemed nice. I looked at the needle before she started the test as I suppose I wanted to make sure it was sterile. I didn't look while she did the blood test, but it felt like she took 2 vials of blood.
I did have a chat with the health advisor afterwards, about my anxiety, though she suggested that I should have the HIV test, which didn't at all help my anxiety after having spent so long convincing myself that the test in February was correct and that I didn't need another one. I know she was only saying it in the sense of her not wanting me to worry about it any more, but she said things like "Most likely, the test in February was right, but with us, you'll know it's all tested in a laboratory setting" and "We've already got your blood—all you have to say is yes". I knew I couldn't bare the 2 week wait for the results, so I stuck to my original decision and said no.
I got home and suddenly thought "What if the needle she used for the blood test wasn't sterile?", though I was able to remember seeing it and I'm pretty sure it was new. Then I thought "I didn't watch her do it—what if the lady who did the blood test injected me with something or someone's blood?" and I started to really panic that I'd contracted HIV because of her actions. I became convinced that the feeling I thought was her changing from one vial to another, half way through, was actually her removing/adding something she used to inject me with. I had no real reason to suspect she'd done anything—she'd been chatty with me, and came across as a nice person. It was purely because I didn't watch what she was doing.
I spoke to my mum on the phone, who drove down that night & took me back to her's as I was in such a state. The next couple of days were bad as I couldn't shake this suspicion that this lady had done something to me. I've had depression in the past, but this feels so much worse as at least during that time, I knew that my fears in my head couldn't hurt me, whereas this time, it's because I actually believe that I've been physically hurt.
I saw my mum's GP a couple of days after I got here, who prescribed some diazepam for the panic attacks, and recommended counselling (though I'm looking to organise that down at my home GP) and antidepressants (though I took those for my depression a few years ago and felt they didn't really do anything for me, but counselling did). The panic attacks have reduced, but I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that she did actually do something to me. It's been a week since the blood test, and now I just feel hollow and that there's not much point in carrying on because of what's been done to me. Each morning I wake up believing I've been having a horrible nightmare, but then realise that it's actually what's happening in reality.
I really don't know how to get over this, even if I have counselling. I can't ever see this belief that she did something to me disappearing. I don't know what to do. Rationally, 1% of my brain realises that my fear is based around my previous fears & experiences—particularly about what I believe she injected me with, but that doesn't stop the rest of my mind overriding it and telling me that my fear actually happened.
Thank you, in advance, for reading my post and for any replies that there might be. I really do appreciate it.
I registered a few days ago but haven't been sure of what to write about my situation. I'm a 25 year old male from the UK, and have no idea how to sort my life out.
I think a lot of my anxiety has stemmed from the death of my granddad, who passed away last October. No one close to me had ever died before, and I think it shook me more than I realised at the time. I've always been a little worried about my health, but I'd say probably no more than the 'average' person. I never obsessed about it.
However, in February of this year, I was falling asleep one night before I was due to spend a weekend in London, when I suddenly started to stress about HIV. For the next few days, I was a wreck after believing I'd become infected during past sexual activity (even though I hadn't done anything for 2 years, and before that one time, it was another 1.5 years). In the end, I decided to have a rapid HIV test at one of the main GUM clinics when I arrived in London, which came back negative and put my worries to rest in that respect. I did have a little worry as I was wandering around London that I could've caught something through the fingerprick they used to test the blood, but that went out of my head after a couple of days.
Over the next few months, I had the odd pain here and there that has been explainable in the end in each instance, though at the time it tore me apart through anxiety. I had a small, slightly painful lump on my epiglottis that turned out to just be an infected scratch though I fully believed it was throat cancer. Then I had arm pain which I was 99% sure was RSI from computer use, but as it persisted & my brain overworked, I started to think it was some sort of arthritis & that I'd need an operation. Then I had a pain in my groin which I first thought was a hernia, saw a doctor who said it was just a painful lymph node that'd most likely go, which it did after a few weeks (I believe it was from an insect bite that I didn't see at the time), but I'd already convinced myself I'd need an operation to remove it.
Then the most recent problem, which is where my current anxiety/paranoia has stemmed from, was due to some testicular pain I had for 10 days before I booked a GP's appointment. By then I'd spent days googling possible causes, and had convinced myself I'd got an STD—again, after not having had any sexual contact for 2.5 years by this point. I'd not been tested for some years before, however, so I'd additionally convinced myself that I'd had it for years and that it'd been damaging my body the whole time. I decided to book a sexual health checkup with my local GUM clinic.
By the time I saw my GP, I'd had the pain for 2 weeks. He said it was probably epididymitis & that it'd clear by itself. He did mention sexual health because of my age, and I told him I had the clinic appointment, which he said was a good idea, just to be sure.
However, the prospect of the checkup at the GUM clinic brought back all of my anxieties about my previous HIV test. At first I didn't think much of it, but then when I read that they'd offer me another HIV test (which would take 2 weeks to come back), I started to stress about whether I should have it because I didn't think I could bare the wait for the results. Then I convinced myself the test in February was wrong, or the person who did it misread it and then I became paranoid that the lady who did it just decided she didn't like me & gave me the wrong result. I couldn't focus on anything else. I didn't work, and I barely ate. All I did was google the test I had in February, how it's performed, accuracy rates etc. I rang an advisor at the Terrence Higgins Trust to discuss my anxiety, and he was very helpful. In the end, I decided not to have the HIV test (but would continue with all of the other tests).
So I went to my appointment (still worrying about whether I'd made the right decision to not have the HIV test) and spoke to a very nice nurse who took my history etc. We decided that they'd do a blood test for syphilis and for hep B antibodies (to see if I'd been vaccinated, I believe). They then did the swabs, the nurse left and I sat down for the blood test with a lady who was there to help during the swabs, and also seemed nice. I looked at the needle before she started the test as I suppose I wanted to make sure it was sterile. I didn't look while she did the blood test, but it felt like she took 2 vials of blood.
I did have a chat with the health advisor afterwards, about my anxiety, though she suggested that I should have the HIV test, which didn't at all help my anxiety after having spent so long convincing myself that the test in February was correct and that I didn't need another one. I know she was only saying it in the sense of her not wanting me to worry about it any more, but she said things like "Most likely, the test in February was right, but with us, you'll know it's all tested in a laboratory setting" and "We've already got your blood—all you have to say is yes". I knew I couldn't bare the 2 week wait for the results, so I stuck to my original decision and said no.
I got home and suddenly thought "What if the needle she used for the blood test wasn't sterile?", though I was able to remember seeing it and I'm pretty sure it was new. Then I thought "I didn't watch her do it—what if the lady who did the blood test injected me with something or someone's blood?" and I started to really panic that I'd contracted HIV because of her actions. I became convinced that the feeling I thought was her changing from one vial to another, half way through, was actually her removing/adding something she used to inject me with. I had no real reason to suspect she'd done anything—she'd been chatty with me, and came across as a nice person. It was purely because I didn't watch what she was doing.
I spoke to my mum on the phone, who drove down that night & took me back to her's as I was in such a state. The next couple of days were bad as I couldn't shake this suspicion that this lady had done something to me. I've had depression in the past, but this feels so much worse as at least during that time, I knew that my fears in my head couldn't hurt me, whereas this time, it's because I actually believe that I've been physically hurt.
I saw my mum's GP a couple of days after I got here, who prescribed some diazepam for the panic attacks, and recommended counselling (though I'm looking to organise that down at my home GP) and antidepressants (though I took those for my depression a few years ago and felt they didn't really do anything for me, but counselling did). The panic attacks have reduced, but I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that she did actually do something to me. It's been a week since the blood test, and now I just feel hollow and that there's not much point in carrying on because of what's been done to me. Each morning I wake up believing I've been having a horrible nightmare, but then realise that it's actually what's happening in reality.
I really don't know how to get over this, even if I have counselling. I can't ever see this belief that she did something to me disappearing. I don't know what to do. Rationally, 1% of my brain realises that my fear is based around my previous fears & experiences—particularly about what I believe she injected me with, but that doesn't stop the rest of my mind overriding it and telling me that my fear actually happened.
Thank you, in advance, for reading my post and for any replies that there might be. I really do appreciate it.