samuas1
09-06-11, 00:57
Hi guys,
I have a very strange thing that has happened to me the past year and I dont know how to describe it...in fact I find it impossible to comprehend. For around a whole year now I have had some sort of social anxiety which I will try to describe.
There were two stages...
The first was a constant and overwhleming feeling which I felt because of my height. I am 6 foot 7 (22 years old) and have been since I was around 18. However this had never bothered me before, and when I came to university it actually was something I and lots of other peopled loved about me. I was very comfortable in myself and very confident and had lots of friends etc. There were never any external signals that it might be a bad thing.
However out of the blue around a year ago I suddenly became completely obsessed with my height; I hated it so much and became very depressed. I would actually lie in bed and think "I will never walk into a bar or any room filled with people and feel comfortable again". I would imagine myself standing next to everyone I saw and be disgusted. This thought pattern was lodged in my head and was overwhelming.
Then around 6 months ago (about half way through the episode Im describing) another intense anxiety began to build up. This time it was an anxiety of face to face conversation and everything it entails, although I think mainly of eye contact. Also often my face will tense up and I will not be able to smile or look relaxed even in very normal situations. The combination of very uneasy eye contact and forced smiling or facial expressions people feel very uncomfortable. This would build up uncontrollably sometimes, but it would also vary from conversation to conversation, and day to day etc.
I think it is the fear of this happening that makes it happen. I always pre-empt it in my head. It happens worse with some people than others, worse with those who its happened with badly before.
Something which I used to be so good at my whole life; talking to people, being comfortable and confident and making others feel the same has become so hard, I just cannot stop the thought (ie the fear of it happening) from being there every time I speak to someone. If there was some way I could forget this ever happened I would be ok. If that makes any sense at all...? Even though none of this makes sense which is why Im writing.
A smaller but even more bizarre part of this occurred during the period in which my obsessive thoughts transferred from the height thing to the communication thing (If thats what it is???).
It was as if the problems replaced each other, but literally one minute it would be height and then two days later the eye contact/smiling/conversation thing. They would shift in such a definite way. I couldnt and still cant understand it.
I now however dont feel the height thing at all. It is completely gone, I feel physically very comfortable in myself as I used to.
I now do not feel depressed but am worried as well as fascinated by this thing that has happened to me. It is so strange, and very powerful! I am coping well with it and it is not overwhelming my life as it was but I still want to shed some light on how/why this has happened.
How do you solve a problem which is only there because your trying to solve it??? Conversation and eye contact and smiling is effortless for most and has always been for me in the past. You dont ever think about these things you just do them naturally. It is only hard if you try to hard, but I cant stop trying to be normal because I cant stop thinking about all this. I hope this describes my problem well enough.
When I first got on this site I thought the things I were reading were far too story like and well written to be real. But this honestly is! I've taken time to write and mention everything in as much detail as I can because I want anyone who can to help me.
Thankyou for reading, I would really appreciate any advice and would love to hear other stories that might be like this.
Sam
I have a very strange thing that has happened to me the past year and I dont know how to describe it...in fact I find it impossible to comprehend. For around a whole year now I have had some sort of social anxiety which I will try to describe.
There were two stages...
The first was a constant and overwhleming feeling which I felt because of my height. I am 6 foot 7 (22 years old) and have been since I was around 18. However this had never bothered me before, and when I came to university it actually was something I and lots of other peopled loved about me. I was very comfortable in myself and very confident and had lots of friends etc. There were never any external signals that it might be a bad thing.
However out of the blue around a year ago I suddenly became completely obsessed with my height; I hated it so much and became very depressed. I would actually lie in bed and think "I will never walk into a bar or any room filled with people and feel comfortable again". I would imagine myself standing next to everyone I saw and be disgusted. This thought pattern was lodged in my head and was overwhelming.
Then around 6 months ago (about half way through the episode Im describing) another intense anxiety began to build up. This time it was an anxiety of face to face conversation and everything it entails, although I think mainly of eye contact. Also often my face will tense up and I will not be able to smile or look relaxed even in very normal situations. The combination of very uneasy eye contact and forced smiling or facial expressions people feel very uncomfortable. This would build up uncontrollably sometimes, but it would also vary from conversation to conversation, and day to day etc.
I think it is the fear of this happening that makes it happen. I always pre-empt it in my head. It happens worse with some people than others, worse with those who its happened with badly before.
Something which I used to be so good at my whole life; talking to people, being comfortable and confident and making others feel the same has become so hard, I just cannot stop the thought (ie the fear of it happening) from being there every time I speak to someone. If there was some way I could forget this ever happened I would be ok. If that makes any sense at all...? Even though none of this makes sense which is why Im writing.
A smaller but even more bizarre part of this occurred during the period in which my obsessive thoughts transferred from the height thing to the communication thing (If thats what it is???).
It was as if the problems replaced each other, but literally one minute it would be height and then two days later the eye contact/smiling/conversation thing. They would shift in such a definite way. I couldnt and still cant understand it.
I now however dont feel the height thing at all. It is completely gone, I feel physically very comfortable in myself as I used to.
I now do not feel depressed but am worried as well as fascinated by this thing that has happened to me. It is so strange, and very powerful! I am coping well with it and it is not overwhelming my life as it was but I still want to shed some light on how/why this has happened.
How do you solve a problem which is only there because your trying to solve it??? Conversation and eye contact and smiling is effortless for most and has always been for me in the past. You dont ever think about these things you just do them naturally. It is only hard if you try to hard, but I cant stop trying to be normal because I cant stop thinking about all this. I hope this describes my problem well enough.
When I first got on this site I thought the things I were reading were far too story like and well written to be real. But this honestly is! I've taken time to write and mention everything in as much detail as I can because I want anyone who can to help me.
Thankyou for reading, I would really appreciate any advice and would love to hear other stories that might be like this.
Sam