View Full Version : Relationship anxiety..so confused.
Hello Friends,
I just had to post as I can't really talk to my family about this and it is driving me crazy.
I have been seeing someone who lives in Spain since Sep 2009. I met him whilst I was on holiday and he was a barman in a place I visited with friends. He was very attentive, super flattering and frankly when he first asked me to go out with him I was sceptical - barman, flirty, women chasing, the usually one night stand thing - so I said no, but he was persistent and I eventually did so. Things developed very quickly and I began to see him almost every day I was there, and every time since whenever I travel to Spain.
My feelings developed fast but he made it quite clear to me that he did not want to be tied to a relationship as he liked his freedom and had been in 2 bad relationships before, so I accepted that as I loved his company, and practically speaking it was the better option.
We get on well most of the time - of course with the odd tiff. They mostly revolve around him suggesting I change this or that about myself, which infuriates me and it ends in a row as I don't like being controlled that way. Apart from that we have a lot in common - we both love watching dvds, have a silly sense of humour, we share the same personal beliefs and there is a chemistry of sorts there.
The last time I was there in March we got on well, seeing each other most days and nights. We did much more together this time, day trips, shopping for food together, almost like a couple would do, without actually being a couple. I felt that we were drawing much closer in terms of affection. He was much more tactile than usual and when after a particular tiff where I showed my insecurity about his feelings he came back into the room, asked me to 'look at him' and reassured me I had nothing to worry about. I felt he was truthful. He had a car accident when I was there and his car was wrecked and he even walked from his family home some miles away just to visit me one night.
The one bug bear I have always had with him is that once I am home in the UK he hardly ever texts me, and never phones me, etc. He would respond to my texts but the only time he ever initiated a text was last year at Xmas time. This is what upsets me as it is like when I am home I don't exist, but when I am there he is with me 24/7, like he is simply using me, but his actions do not mirror a man who is only after one thing as it were and the signals are always mixed. I have challenged him about this and he response was that just because he doesnt text does not mean he isn't thinking of me (hmm) I have always known that being in different countries a proper relationship was never an option, and I know he is not a monk (I'm not daft) but still it hurts me.
I have been home 10 weeks now from my last trip and have not heard a thing. I text him April 19th and he responded. Since then I text again last week twice and today once and nothing back from him. My first text was simply asking how he was. The second I questioned why he did not reply and told him I dont understand this and that it was very hurtful to me. The third text again I asked why he did not answer and that if he wanted to call it quits, he could have told me when I was there instead of ignoring me. No reply to anything.
I am so confused by this. It is not like him not to reply at all, as underneath his Spanish bravado he is a moral person and would reply, and he also gives back as good as he gets when I have questioned his actions before. We did not part on bad terms when I was last there and the last text he responded to without any hint of a problem. I do not make a habit of regularly texting him as I don't want to come across as a bunny boiler or anything, but with the ball now in his court he is not answering.
I just don't get it. I cannot call him as I am too anxious about things and all kinds of things are entering my head - he has changed his number, blocking my calls, etc.
I have been trying to just get on with things as I have felt very down lately and am just feeling better, but i cannot shake the worry about this.
He has given me so much to look forward to and made me very happy, raised my self esteem, and I love his company. I am so scared that things are done between us now, but at the same time it makes no sense to me.
I have so little positive things in my life at the moment and I feel another let down may be the nail in my coffin.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.xxxxxxx:weep:
Hi Debs :flowers:
so sorry to hear this .Mindgames are cruel as is not knowing what the flip is going on . so feel for you
do you have any mutual friends you can contact and ask in Spain ?
it might be best way ..and if they have any knowledge and are friends they will reply .
you so do not need this uncertainty Debs ........it is always easier to deal with facts than being bewildered .
I would personally keep bombarding his phone [but that is me :blush:]
also of course there may be innocent reasons I know .
anyway no partner is ever ever worth you losing your health over Debs .
sending hug :hugs:
Snowgoose, thanks so much for your reply.
I think that is what I can't stand. If he just answered and said it was finished I would know where I am and get on with things, but hearing nothing is killing me inside.
Part of me thinks that there is an explanation as it is out of character. The other thinks it is his way of a quick break.
The problem is that my friend there doesn't know him well and has a child (lone parent) so she can't really do anything to help and I wouldn't like to involve her.
You are right. It isn't worth losing my health over. I think I will just have to get on with stuff and what will be will be.
Thank you again for your kindness.xxx:hugs:
hello again :flowers:
do you have another number eg his work place that you could ring Debs ?
he owes you an explanation barring accident of course .
it is not being Bunny Boiler to get some answers my love ..........you have had a long relationship ...............and your dignity is so obvious in your posts :hugs:
you deserve some communication from him .
and if it is not to be .....then you can dig deep and start again .which you WILL.
XX
Hi, I agree with Snowgoose, try to call his workplace to see that he's OK and nothing is untoward. Then see if you can get on with your own things and see if he gets in touch. Time will show one way or the other, but it's so frustrating and upsetting to wait and not know.
Take care.:hugs:x
Thanks again snowgoose and Hazel for your helpful and kind posts.xxx:hugs:
Unfortunately, his work is so complicated as he is never at the same place for long as he is a barman/DJ and because of the work situation in Spain at the moment, he is only employed on short contracts as the tourism numbers for the Island are down and so many places do this now. The last place he was working when I was there his contract was about to run out so I think he has moved on again.:unsure:
I think that I will just give things time as you both sensibly suggest. If something has occurred where he truly is unable to respond then I don't want to bug him further, but I just hope I know one way or the other at some point in time.
Love and thanks to you both.xxx:flowers:
Hi Debs
Do you have any other way of getting a message to him? Do you have an e-mail address or a last home address you could write to? A parents address? Even his last place of work might forward something on if he has moved. As this sounds a little out of character, he maybe isn't using the number you have for some reason (phone lost or stolen? nuisance callers? etc). I have often been without an internet connection for a while due to technical problems and people have then wondered why I haven't responded to things. As he never contacts you much when you are not there, he might not even have given it that much attention.
If he really wanted to finish with you, I think it would be quite easy and simple for him to do with modern communications and given the distance involved, that would make it an easier thing for most blokes too. If he does have feelings for you, it would be very hard to just ignore you completely.
Tyke
Anxious_gal
11-06-11, 02:57
He sounds like the avoidant relationship type,
he says he doesn't want a relationship yet stays with the same person for years...
panics when he starts to get closer to his lady, almost likes opens up and then suddenly closes up on you :(
They fear getting too close and getting hurt,
they might enjoy being the lone wolf.
I hate hate hate it when men don't break up with you, they stop talking to you, leaving you waiting and wondering, almost desperate for closure :(
It can lead women to almost stalking/tracking the guy down just so they can get their closure.
It seems to be more that the guy doesn't want to deal with the emotional impact it will have on you and them too. I've noticed that the type of men that do this can be very sweet men but seem to cope very badly with any sort of closeness or strong feelings, they also don't tend to have a close, open, caring relationship with their mother.
I'm only talking about men in my experience, just so no one gets offended :)
I hope ye manage to works things out x
Maybe he lost his phone??
Veronica H
11-06-11, 08:34
Hi Debs
This pattern of behaviour is very familiar to me, as my sister was in a similar relationship with an Italian man for 8 years. I am just playing devils advocate here, but based on what you have said and what she experienced your accounts are almost identical. This man was infact engaged to an Italian girl. Has he ever visited you here, or do you always go to him? Have you been introduced to his family?....I hope I am wrong Debs. :bighug1:Take care Vx
Hi Debs, in my experience these foreign guys are very good at getting just what they want, and giving very little in return. We tend to see only what we want to see, and ignore the warning signs. I was in an on-off relationship with an Italian guy which i let drag on for 9 years, because I was too scared to let go, and thought I would never find anyone else. He gave me great sex... and very little else.. although at the time in my distorted mind he was giving me so much more. For me self-worth became the key.. we will put up with someone who uses us until we believe we are worth more.
My ex finally got married and had a baby with his Italian wife... but wanted to carry on having sex with me :( After 9 years I found the inner strength and said "Bye, have a nice life"... I was 40 by this time, what a lot of wasted energy. A year on my own, and someone who treated me well and with respect came into my life.. Seven years on, and we're still together and he's committed to our relationship.
Unfortunately we usually mean very little to these men, however much we don't want to believe it :( Maybe it's time to take off the rose tinted glasses? Please don't wait 9 years like I did!! Good luck for the future :)
Im sorry this is causing you upset Debs ..Im not saying this man doesnt care for you as he must do to some extent .But Im really shocked at the way he treats you .Seems to be a very casual attitude on his behalf .To not even ring you or text you on a regular basis ,really says it all to me .Like Kibbutz says these guys are good at getting what they want .I really think you deserve better than this dont you ? Somone who will be able to give you much more than the odd week in the sunshine ..gee I wonder how many more he has dangling .Sorry if this upsets you ,but looking on the outside it really looks like you you are wasting you time worrying about him .Making yourself ill really is he worth it ?.Surely you can see this relationship doesnt mean half as much as it does to you .Time to call it a day and find someone who is more deserving of your time and affection ,I think Debs ...:bighug1:T/c Luv Sue xx
Thank you for all your responses.xx
I think I will have to face facts that third time lucky (two previous bad relationships) clearly isn't so.:weep:
Time to put the barriers back up.
My feelings developed fast but he made it quite clear to me that he did not want to be tied to a relationship as he liked his freedom and had been in 2 bad relationships before, so I accepted that as I loved his company, and practically speaking it was the better option.
The one bug bear I have always had with him is that once I am home in the UK he hardly ever texts me, and never phones me, etc. He would respond to my texts but the only time he ever initiated a text was last year at Xmas time.
I have challenged him about this and he response was that just because he doesnt text does not mean he isn't thinking of me (hmm) I have always known that being in different countries a proper relationship was never an option, and I know he is not a monk (I'm not daft) but still it hurts me.
Hi Debs
I think it all depends on what you want from the relationship really. He doesn't seem to want any comitment and like you say, you know he is not a monk. The fact that he doesn't make much effort to contact you when you aren't there suggests he isn't that serious, but he has already stated he doesn't want to be 'tied to a relationship'. That can work both ways - you are free to meet others too and you don't have to be a nun! That's fine if you are both happy with it, but if that isn't really what you want then it was never going to work anyway. Ultimately, if you were both to get very serious, I mean settling down together, it would involve one of you moving to another country. That doesn't sound very likely really does it? That doesn't mean you can't enjoy each others company and have a great time, but settling down with this guy seems unlikely.
It would be nice to get a response of some sort from him, but if you really can't then you just have to move on. Long distance relationships are always problematic, they can work if people really want them to, but life is much more straightforward if you meet someone locally.
Tyke
Thanks for your post Tyke.
Yes, what you say is very right. I think that the signs that this was never going to be serious on his part were always there. Perhaps I just overlooked them as I so loved being with him. I think that even if things had not ground to a standstill now, I would have had to confront that fact as he had made that clear to me. I think I was blinded by the fact that it has been him driving the relationship on when I am over there with him, wanting me to go places with him, like his hospital appt. in the north of the island, like food shopping, like a trip up the coast for lunch, stuff like that so I saw all of those things as positive things, that he must like my company. I just never saw an actual progression of things per se though. He has however always been very questioning of my fidelity, little comments about 'someone in the UK', and any 'doctors I am seeing' being a nurse....things like that which annoyed me a little as he has always wanted to be no strings but clearly doesnt want that to apply to me too.
The country thing was always a big issue, and everyone had told me so.
I will not contact him again as I just can't demoralise myself anymore. I am just trying to get on and what will be will be. I was let down before in a past relationship and survived and that is what I am trying to remind myself of now.
Love and thanks to all.xxxxx
He has however always been very questioning of my fidelity, little comments about 'someone in the UK', and any 'doctors I am seeing' being a nurse....things like that which annoyed me a little as he has always wanted to be no strings but clearly doesnt want that to apply to me too.
So he had to be free to play the field but you had to be faithful!!!!!! Can't believe his double standards. The more I hear about this guy the worse it gets. You are MUCH better off without him. You may have felt good when you were with him, but in the long run he would have wrecked your feelings of self-worth. You deserve better than that Debs.
Thanks so much for your advice and support Tyke. I really appreciate it, and everybody else here who has shared their thoughts.xxx:flowers:
Hi DEBS,
You are one beautiful intelligent sensitive lady .who deserves so much better .
And will get better treatment from a guy who will care for you in the future I am sure .
I am not minimising your distress at the moment .........it must be hellish .......but you have a future which will have nice things in it including love :hugs:
stay strong Debs ............sometimes once we say to ourselves NO MORE.....and take control back .we start to heal .xxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi,
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I am feeling so heartbroken and have no outlet for it. I can't talk to my parents (they never approved of my relationship with him), my friend just brushes it off with 'have a good cry'. I am going through the motions in a daze right now. Inside I am screaming. I feel so hurt, angry, confused. I just don't understand how he appears to have just cut me off without cause. I cannot call him. I am too scared.
If anyone could offer me a hug I would be very grateful.xxx:weep:
Defo have a hug debs but could I also suggest you try reading Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns md. It doesnt always say what you want to hear but has good stuff on handling one's reactions to. Other people's behaviour xxx
Sending you a much needed and deserving Hug Debs :bighug1:..Its always hard when a long relationship ends ,it doesnt matter what type of relationship this was .Not only have you got to grieve but the not knowing Why this has happened is tormenting you ..There are obviously reasons why he has stopped being in contact with you ,but after all this time You desrved to be told the truth ,its just plain cruel ..You will get over him in time and being sad and confused is perfectly understandable .You had lots of good times and he made you happy .Try to look forward to the time when you meet someone who is more deserving of your love and care .He is in your past now and its time to close the door .-Thinking of you and wishing you happier days ahead ..:hugs:
luv Sue xxxx:bighug1:
".Some people come into your life for a reason ,some give you the most amazing joy and happiness .Then something happens to that makes them walk away .This doesnt mean you have done anything wrong ..The reason they came into your life is done .your desire was fullfilled ,their work is done .Believe it was real .But only for a season "
I feel for you Debs. I know it's a cliche but you will require time to move on from this. Emotions can't simply be switched off.
I agree with most of the comments here re this relationship, ie he wasn't right for you, and painful as it may be I think now cutting him off and not trying to ever contact him again is in your best interests. I have the feeling that he may contact you if life doesn't work out for him but hope that by then you would be in a different place entirely.
In the meantime you have plenty of support here so cut yourself some slack and remember that he's the one who will lose out in the long-term.
Hugs to you.
Sending you some hugs Debs.:hugs::bighug1::hugs:As has already been said, in time you will feel better and be able to move on. Life is too short to waste it on the wrong people.
Tyke
Hi again everybody,
Well I thought I would post here again as I am at a real lowpoint with everything now.
Last time I posted here I had not heard a thing from the man I had been seeing here in Spain for the last 2 years. He had not responded to any texts I sent. Consequently, I came over again on 27th August and go home on Wednesday.
On the plane I was still angry and confused, but more angry. I wanted answers.
Stupidly, I called him.
He responded without a care in the world. He claimed that he had 'phone problems with paying his bill which he was disputing' so couldn't call or text. He claimed he couldn't afford to call by landline. My response was, so if I had not called him, when would I have heard from him?
His reponse was 'well i knew you would at some point'. I was stunned by his arrogance.
We met up, but in the time I have been here I have seen him twice, both on my instigation due to his alledged phone issues.
I finally reached a point where I messaged him and said I wanted to finish things as it was clear I felt more than him, as I did love him.
He responded with...nothing.
I was so hurt and angry that I sent a rude message telling him I could not believe that he hadn't the decency to respond after 2 years. I told him to go ****himself.
There is another issue in all of this. During the time we were seeing each other last year he borrowed 100 euros to hire a car as his had been crashed. He ( I now see) manipulated me into giving him the money by saying he 'could not visit me without a car'.
He had not paid this money back and so I phoned him one final time to ask for it back. He responded by asking why I was calling when I had ended things. I told him what i texted...that I could not believe he did not respond at all to my ending things, not even to say goodbye and good luck or words to that effect.
Again he threw up the phone excuse. For good measure he also said he didn't want to hurt my feelings as he 'was not in love with me', though I was 'a nice girl with lots of nice qualities'.
The pain I felt was indescribable. In all the time I have known him I feel I have been strung along and used for his own gratification when he must have known the depth of my feelings. When I told him that he said ' Did I ever say I loved you, or wanted you to come here to see me?
My problem is that nor was he honest in saying he did not feel that way, as he just wanted things to continue in a sexual sense for himself.
I am so hurt. I cannot believe a human being can treat another with such cold cruelty.
I am a couple of months off meds now and I so hope this does not put me back on them,
I feel used. I feel cheated. I feels so stupid.:weep:
When were in the midst of the phone argument where he told me he did not love me, and I broke down crying, he said he wanted to speak face to face. He said tomorrow at the time (Sunday) but I insisted that it be that day. He said he would not finish work until 5am and I said I didnt give a damn what time it was so he said he would come.
He never showed up.
I sent him a final angy, long text expressing my disgust and anger at his treatment of me.
He has not replied.
I just feel desolate now really. I had put faith in someone who has just used me. I am wondering why I can never find a man who feels the same way as I do. All my relationships have been the same and I am left broken.
Hi Debs
I'm so sorry to hear all this. I can't believe he's been so horrible, saying all those things was unnecessary and just plain nasty. It is awful to feel used, especially when you really like someone and put a lot of time and effort into a relationship - flying abroad to see him shows how much you liked him. You must feel so angry and upset.
I don't really think there's much I can say that will make you feel better right now, but from what I've seen of the posts you've written on here, you're a lovely, caring, supportive person who deserves to be treated with respect and decency. Time will be a great healer and in the meantime you will have plenty of support on here.
Take care, thinking of you and one day I'm sure you will find someone special who you deserve, and who also deserves you. xxx
Lizzie, I can't express to you how grateful I am for your post.
I feel so lonely. Like I have nothing and nobody to look forward to anymore. My heart has been ripped out.
I have survived this before twice over, and I hope this will be the same.
Your post made me cry. Thank you so much Lizzie.xxxxx:hugs:
Oh, I didn't mean to make you cry! Sorry :hugs:That's why I'm not a counsellor lol!
You WILL survive it. Everyone on this forum is so strong, and if you've done it twice before then you can again. I try to think that everything happens for a reason, and even if we may never really understand why, there are little chain reactions that happen from things. You won't be able to see it yet (and sorry if you don't want to hear this right now) but it will turn out for the best.
Have you got much support nearby? People you can meet up with for coffee and a hug? xxx:bighug1:(To keep you going)
No, it's ok for me to cry Lizzie, it wasn't your fault! I think I need to just get it all out.
You're right. I think it is all just so raw, like an open wound at the moment.
Yes, I'm still here in Gran Canaria and I have a very close friend here who is a great support. She had been telling me for a long time he was not serious and just using me but I just ignored her wise words because I was in love. Love is blind as they say.
I am meeting her tomorrow for a coffee and a chat. She is very good in that she is the kind of friend who gives me a good talking to - that he is not worth it, to think of all the bad stuff he has done, etc - and in a way that helps.
I just am feeling the pain right now and crying is my outlet, but I will try to be strong.
Thanks so much again Lizzie.xxx:hugs:
How are you feeling today? Hope you had a nice time with your friend and she gave you some good advice and support. xxx
Hi Debs, your story sounds horribly familiar to me :( I do believe that self-esteem is the answer... and feeling you're "worth more" than this. I think we can be very good at pulling the wool over our own eyes when the truth is something we just don't want to see. Deep down you probably knew he was using you, but perhaps your desperation for a relationship over-shadowed your willingness to see the truth? For me it was "Omg, I'm not getting any younger, the sex is good, he does nice things occasionally... and the clincher "Who else is gonna want me?" :( You really need to keep away from "Good time guys" Debs :) I think they see us coming a mile off, and rub their grubby little hands together in glee.
I reckon if you get to know and love you, then the "right man"" will come along... take care xx
HarvestMoon
12-09-11, 23:14
Life's too short Debs! Give yourself some treats and look after yourself. It won't be easy but it WILL be worth it.
Good luck!
Thanks so much everybody for your words and support. It means the world to me.
Kibbutz83 - My God, you have said EXACTLY what the story was with this man and myself. I did feel ALL the things you say, and was in denial that this was a man who had changed for me, or I could change. You have hit the nail on the head about my age, the sexual side of things and the fact I kept reminding myself of the nice side of him and the sweeter things he did for me. I just couldn't let go really as it made my life exciting to be with another person.
You are also right about my self esteem. I have never had any and have only had what I would call 3 serious relationships (well, they were for me at least, but not the other person) so I am pretty naive with men and have a kind of romantic notion of things. My friend here kept telling me to keep it low key as he was a DJ and bar worker who has transient relationships with women but I just kept hoping stupidly.
It just felt so good to be desired and needed in some kind of sense by someone after so long being single. I measure my self worth a lot by relationships I think.
You are so right about staying away from the good time guys as I now realise that unless you go in with eyes wide open and understand the deal, it is a non-starter.
Thanks also to Lizzie for your kind support. I had a chat with my friend and she has given me a lot of 'chin ups' and 'move on' advice.
Many thanks again to everyone.xxxxx:hugs:
OK Debs, I guess it's time for Horse to put his opinion across!
It's easy to look back and see how stupid we have been in relationships, but at the time, love is overwhelming and therefore we always follow our hearts even to the point where our heads are telling us not to.
Sadly, there is no medication for a broken heart, and the bitterness and anger that you probably feel will not go away until you tell yourself what a p***k you've been dealing with (forgive me)!
We also always seem to see the 'nicer' things about the person when really, let's face it, there are no nice things about these people at all.
This man took advantage of your good nature and kindness, and his nature and behaviour was quite frankly, unforgivable!
Unfortunately, there are (and always will be) men out there , and alas women, who have no respect or regard or compassion for other people, especially their feelings. They will use us to their own advantages and pleasures, normally wearing a mask in order to hide their deceit. We on the other hand, being the kind and sensitive folk we are, fall into the trap!
I know the feeling only too well!
Someone has ripped your heart out and poured acid into your stomach and then set it on fire, right?
It's a feeling I feel everyday and have done for the past 11 years.
Yours won't last anywhere near as long as this naturally, because you're a woman and women are so much stronger that men. Plus the fact that you're not a 'mug' like me anyway!
Time to say goodbye to Captain A*******, and wait for a proper guy.
OK, so you've been single for a long time. That's because you're special and guys for special ladies take a bit longer to find!!
Please Debs, no more holiday romances eh?
Remember, your eyes are crying the tears of an Angel, but your heart is broken by the work of the devil!
May God bless you.
Horse.
X
Thanks so much Horse.....you are right in all you say.
Thanks for taking the time to offer such a great post.xx:hugs:
Anxious_gal
13-09-11, 03:39
When I see my friends making "mistakes" I tell them my opinion but then I say you are going to do what your going to do no matter what I say lol
But it's true. I know my self that I can wear Rose tinted glasses when I'm in luv.
Part of you knows all along that the guy is not right for you.
When you are ready you will see him without the Rose tinted glasses.
Sure all the signs he's just not into you are there, but you ignore them because it's too painful to see the truth.
then there are all the times he treated you like a princess so you cling to the memories of the good times and ignore/blank out the rest.
When the guy makes you cry more than he makes you smile he's not worth it.
Just a thought based on Horse's wise words...
Unfortunately, there are (and always will be) men out there , and alas women, who have no respect or regard or compassion for other people, especially their feelings. They will use us to their own advantages and pleasures,..which normally makes them impatient to get what they're after and then they just keep taking until its gone.
Genuine ones will want to give but never ask for anything in return, always be prepared to wait, always be there when help is needed and Always treat those they love as the "most special" person in their lives.
As Horse says, there will always be those who are selfish who won't care who they hurt and they're "not worth it" because they feel nothing but there are always genuine ones too who do care about others feelings, and they're the ones worth watching out for...who you Do deserve. You'll soon know when you find one.:hugs:
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