View Full Version : **My Panic Attack / Agoraphobia Diary**
Ive been wanting somewhere to write down how im doing etc when ive managed something and when im having a down day... I hope its ok to put it in here?
Back in 2005 I started with panic attacks after suffering from dizzy spells and motion sickness. At my very worst I never left the house for over a year and was a total wreck. I found this site back then and reading I wasnt alone and accpeting this was what was the matter (i believed I had a brain tumour!) helped me to get better.
With the help of my sister, mam and propanolol i got out the other side. Got a job i loved and got back into "the real world!"
Skip to now...
After the birth of my son (2009) I had (still have to a degree) PND. Slowely my panic has come back with it after a terrible 2 years of different worries (money, housing, relastionship etc etc) Now this time I can NOT be poorly. I have a very energetic toddler who I want to be the best mammy possible too...not a shaking mess that I have become.
Dr originally game me citalpram which made me way worse so dr took me off it and has now give me 40mg of propanolol as this helped me last time.. (im still scared to take it after the side effects of the cit althou last time i took it i cant remember having any side effects)
My attacks start with a hot wave over my body, dizzyness and like im going to pass out which then feeds my fear of passing out :huh: and my legs start to tremble and my hands shake...
so thats me in a nut shell... i will be updating this as often as I can with the hope it can help me (possibly others?)
SUNDAY JUNE 13TH 2011
Got up with my son after a terrible nights sleep, hes never been a good sleeper, unless hes in our bed, but his sleeping this past week has been terrible waking every 20-30 mins crying and needing me :weep: my OH had a lay in while I got on with the house work trying to keep myself busy as if I sat down i would prob fall asleep.
Didnt feel much in the way of panic until OH got up (i find when he first goes out or gets up if im been up awhile before him or if he first comes home from work i get a wave of panic and im wondering if its just me adjusting to a change in the house?) I decided at 2pm to take a propanolol. It was chucking it down so we couldnt even play out so had a lazy day. I nipped to local shop (approx 2 min walk away) without feeling panic at all...this is a weird one cause sometimes i can go there and feel totally normal but other times im near running home before ive even got there!..my panic this time is different from when I was poorly before as back in 2005 I couldnt go anywhere without feeling that flight feeling where as this time it can just hit me from nowhere?
Tablet seemed to chill me out until bed when I felt abit of the old aniexty but managed to get to sleep no problems altho i wish I could say the same for my son who again was up and down all night and even in our bed wouldnt settle and wanted to get up at 4.10am :unsure:
MONDAY 13TH JUNE 2011
Another terrible nights sleep even though Leighton had me up for the day at 4.10am..
For some reason very freaked out this morning, im thinking cause im exhausted? took my tablet this morning which really helped my breathing. my neighbour came and watched leighton while I walked to the shop as I really didnt feel I could cope taking him this morning and worrying about fainting with him. Half way to the shop got the flutters of panic but no hot flash which is where my panic really kicks in normally. That fainty feeling? made it to shop and got what i needed and walked back. Very clammy here today which doesnt help as when im hot and bothered i feel fainty. Managed to eat some tea with leighton there and we are sitting watching toy story 3 waiting for daddy to come home... wondering if i will get that rush when i see him?
TUESDAY 14TH JUNE 2011
Day three of diary and day three of terrible IBS pains. I know ive prob set it off with not eating and stressing about my panic attacks. Asda delivery has been this morning so im going to eat something decent for a change rather then grazing when I can get 5 to myself. Woke up feeling shitty tbh but I think im just so shattered, hungry and sore from the IBS. Was feeling very panicy and fainty but managed to take my mind off it with my son and house work. Hes away for a nap now so im catching up with most haunted lying on sofa trying to chill out. Havent taken a tablet yet today and would also like to say ive had NO side effects from them at all but I also dont feel like they work as well as they did for me back in 2005... back then it felt like a magic pill but then that might have been mind over matter? x
WED 15TH JUNE 2011
Well Leighton let me lay in till 8.30 this morning, althou he was a nightmare to settle last night which was making me panic as I was tired and just wanted to sleep so I didnt feel it anymore. Feel abit better with some sleep and my inlaws are having him tomorrow night so a nice lay in for me on Friday :yahoo:I didnt take a tablet yesterday as not sure if I should be taking them every day or when needed? problem with that is I dont know when im going to have an attack in the house... I pretty much know if I go out ive got 75% chance of having one so would take it but in the house I just never know. Have a very strange feeling in the back of my throat like flutters, heart beat sorta feeling which ive never had before and keep telling myself its prob wind and trying to chill myself out about it. My IBS seems to have settled abit today.. still no poo yet but i managed to eat abit better yesterday so that HAS to help?!? Have had afew hot flashes going to start this morning and have managed to control them and have odd tingling feeling here and there which I know is panic trying to creep in... STAY AWAY!! im just sick of feeling like im fighting myself all the time, why cant my mind and my body just work together... NOTHING IS GOING TO HURT ME... if I keep telling myself that will I believe it?!? :roflmao: My sister came down for the afternoon and I managed a MUCH longer walk then I would normally do.. yes moments of panic, I wont lie! but I walked alot further then I would normally at the min and then nipped to staples for some parcel tape and looked around afew shops in the evening. Had a lovely day and I feel much more confident with my sister with me, i think its cause she understands (she suffers with OCD) and I can be myself with her ie panic if I want to..
THURSDAY 16 JUNE 2011
Terrible nights sleep with the heat (not leighton for a change! althou that was just cause he was in our bed) IBS sore again this morning but managaed abit of a poo (sorry if to much info lol) still feel like theres more to come (infact know there has to be) but couldnt manage! Leighton staying away at inlaws this evening so will have a nice break and some R&R for me and my other half! not feeling too panicy but thats cause I dont have to be anywhere as such yano? its too hot thou here today which normally makes me panic cause im a very hot person so heating up more makes me flushed and then feel faint so normally cue the panic! x
The motion sickness is a well known connection to being house bound. Some inner ear problems can be corrected, if you still have it.
I have an aunt that quit smoking and never left the house except by taxi a couple times a year. Her balance was completely messed up, but she could walk.
heya Tero *waves* thanks for replying. My left ear makes too much calcium which gives me motion sickness..I was offered gromets but was told i could have constant ringing in my ears after op (forget the proper name?) so turned it down...I havent had it recently but this is what caused me to stay home. If I walked out and about dizzy I started to panic I was going to pass out (passing out is my biggest fear) so I just stayed at home.
This time im not sure what set it off other then the stress I have had the past two years... its been one thing after another :mad: only good thing was the birth of my son :yesyes:
Wow!!! I feel like I have written this post. I think you are my doppleganger!!! I have a 3 year old son who does not sleep well. I am also agoraphobic and just getting to the corner shop is sometimes too much. I also feel anxious when my husband gets in from work, which i put down to the noise & excitement that follows because William loves daddy!!! My biggest fear is also fainting (which is just odd because I've never done it so am realistically unlikely to!!)
Sorry, there is no point to my post, just can't believe how similar we are!!! :D
MinnieMouse
13-06-11, 12:10
Hi girls
Well SNAP. I am exactly the same! Luckily my daughter sleeps well but I still wake with a sense of impending doom and anitcipation of the day's traumas ahead of doing mundane chores people would take for granted. I seem to 'freak out' most in supermarkets but I think I hide it well but who knows. I do feel like people are looking at me strangely but that may be part of the anxiety. I have to fight the urge not to turn back and go home. I find that when my daughter is 'demanding' - and she isn't at all but when I am in 'panic mode' there's no room in my brain to deal with her - if that makes sense? I can hear myself getting irritated and I hate it as I am not irritated with her I am just concentrating on not collapsing and not wanting to talk about Peppa Pig etc. I am not so bad with this bit now but when my husband came back from work when our daughter was tiny - I would literally feel pysically sick and pass her to him - almost has if I had held it together (kind of!) all day until I had back -up. My husband really doesn't 'get it' at all as his mother has had anxiety for decades so he has almost got a mental blockage about it. The difference between she and I is that she wallows in it and likes the attention it gets her (long story but her's impacts on the whole family) whereas I am desperate to get better and don't gain anything from being this way as I don't draw attention to it and my husband doesn't treat me any differently - although a bit of sympathy would be nice once in a while. I did think it was some kind of post natal depression but I am not depressed as such, just frustrated at not being the fairly confident person I once was. I am a part time nanny and used to work in a nursery with lots of children and have had years of childcare experience so it's not a case of me being worried about being a mother or how I care for her but it's out of my control. BTW Mardy Bum I also was on citalopram and take propranolol when needed but I have low blood pressure so that makes me think I may faint even more. I went through bad dizziness a few months' back and discovered I had an inner ear infection but that didn't help with the worry about fainting. I had the Epley manoeuvre done by a GP and it helped with the dizziness. He just moves your head in certain ways to get the crystals in your ears balanced - he likened it to the flakes in a snow dome being shaken which gives you the dizziness and this sorts it out. Sorry for waffling - just chuffed I am not the only one xx
ladies I will try and post a good reply when my son sleeps later xx
I wouldn't go with the ear surgery .... i have had three gromets fitted over my lifetime and I now suffer from severe tinnitus which I beleive stems from the surgery as I appently have scaring in my inner ear.
Constant ringing and hissing in you ears 24/7 does nothing for anxiety either I can tell you!
Julie xx
I wouldn't go with the ear surgery .... i have had three gromets fitted over my lifetime and I now suffer from severe tinnitus which I beleive stems from the surgery as I appently have scaring in my inner ear.
Constant ringing and hissing in you ears 24/7 does nothing for anxiety either I can tell you!
Julie xx
Hiya Joolz... yeah the specialist told me I could get tinnitus due to having them fitted when older.. the younger you are the better, or so I was told. So I didnt get it done xx
Gosh i havent updated for a while... will do so when my son sleeps! x
6th July 2011
Well I havent updated for awhile so thought Id better...
Ive had such an up and down time of it since I orginally posted and started this diary.
Sunday I had what im calling an epic fail..well did at the time, but now looking at it more positive or trying to. We had very little in food wise so were driving around looking for something to eat (take away) it was a red hot day, I hadnt ate much so was feeling light headed and shaky to start with and over heating with the sun... Anyway decided to go into morrisons which was UBBER busy with people buying stuff for BBQ's. I knew as soon as I walked in I had done the wrong thing and panic started to rise up my body. :( i tried to stay around the fridges as it was cooler and much quieter.. held the van keys so I knew if I left I could get back into the van but nothing calmed me down... in the end the view of the tills made me have to walk out as the ques were unreal.. Lee wasnt the most suportive as i had pretty much left him standing in the supermarket and walked out, i just wish i could make him understand how it feels.
its very up and down.. some good days and bad, earlier my other half went out for abit (hes off work all week on holiday!) and i realised I hadnt ate so made a sarnie and all of a sudden had an panic rush all over my body but havent a clue why. It never makes sence.. i realise im worse if im out and about with my son as im thinking its cause im scared im going to take bad with him about? i just cant stand how random they are and how they come from nowhere... it wasnt like that last time i only got them when i was out the house so was kinda ready for them. This time i can be sat at home and get them or can be out an about feeling fine and dandy and will get one.
My IBS is still quite bad and im off to drs again on friday as im pretty much in pain ALL the time... it just spikes and dips as to how painfull it is and is worrying me and now my other half..i woke at 4am the other morning with a rush from my toes as if i was going to pass out, felt sick going hot and cold... i managed to go back to sleep but then woke an hour later and had to run to the loo for a poo... feeling faint and worrying about passing out :( x
That's horrible when the IBS makes you feel like you're going to pass out. I've only had that a few times (and not for a while now), but it's really scary. Hope you feel better now.
I am supposed to be doing a short bus (3 stops) journey to the shops a few times a week as part of my CBT but haven't managed it. I did it a couple of times 3 weeks ago and felt horrible and haven't plucked up the courage since. Really wish I could ignore the feelings.
I know what you mean about being scared you'll panic with your son. I'm the same. William is over 3 now and I still take him in the buggy because it gives me something to hold on to when I feel wobbly. It's not fair on him, and I feel guilty. Bloody hard, isn't it?
I just wanted to say hello. I also suffer from agoraphobia and am currently finding it difficult to leave the house. I am managing short walks with my dog after 2 months of being housebound but I can't go shopping on my own at all yet. I have an agoraphobic diary on this website also. I wish you well on your path to recovery. :)
Its a horrible feeling isnt it.. passing out is my panic thing as well as in thats what im scared of :(
When I had my CBT last time she was wanting me to get on a bus.. I couldnt do it and still cant get on a bus but then ive never really needed to if you know what I mean? so it was never an issue for me, I could get on with my life without a bus...
I feel really bad for my son, I mean we have fun etc but I feel like im letting him down and have other people telling me he should be the thing that makes me better but its not going to happen over night althou I wish it would... I used to just let him walk to the shop and he loved it.. I now take the pushchair with me so if I need to run back home I can easy and also feel if im going to pass out at least I know hes in his pushchair and cant go anywhere x
That's horrible when the IBS makes you feel like you're going to pass out. I've only had that a few times (and not for a while now), but it's really scary. Hope you feel better now.
I am supposed to be doing a short bus (3 stops) journey to the shops a few times a week as part of my CBT but haven't managed it. I did it a couple of times 3 weeks ago and felt horrible and haven't plucked up the courage since. Really wish I could ignore the feelings.
I know what you mean about being scared you'll panic with your son. I'm the same. William is over 3 now and I still take him in the buggy because it gives me something to hold on to when I feel wobbly. It's not fair on him, and I feel guilty. Bloody hard, isn't it?
Well done on the dog walking.. I cant walk to the main shopping street on my own or with others have to get a lift but can manage local corner shop on my own.. I shall look up your diary its nice to know we arent alone isnt it! hugs for us all x
I just wanted to say hello. I also suffer from agoraphobia and am currently finding it difficult to leave the house. I am managing short walks with my dog after 2 months of being housebound but I can't go shopping on my own at all yet. I have an agoraphobic diary on this website also. I wish you well on your path to recovery. :)
13th July 20011 (wow when did it turn july?)
Had a crappy 12 hours. Was shattered last night and couldnt fight the panic.. went to bed and felt tight chested and like I couldnt get a good lung full. My IBS is still pretty bad so im kinda putting down to feeling like that due to the acid relux and trapped wind side of IBS. When im like that I normally feel better after a good sleep but woke up feeling much the same this morning.
My sons going out with his aunty today for afew hours so I will get a wee break.
What I seem to be struggling with at the moment is being left alone with him... for some reason is freaks me out? I think it might be cause im scared of being poorly while with him?
You know what MBUM, I am new to no mor panic and I have read a few posts and thought gosh that sounds like me BUT honestly I can not believe the way you've written the chain of events that happens to you right at the beginning of your post IS EXACTLY What I get!!!!!
Hot, dizzy, off balance , tingling almost lifeless limbs almost like I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm still alive, and an overwhelming sensation of collapse.
Aggravated by too much noise and excitement around me and everything too much some days. Like one lady above says even a trip to local shop is like going to outer space!
Anxiety and panic is unbelievable, I knew about panic attacks before, BUT my goodness it's unreal how they affect people. My experience if u want a read is on a comment I posted on " fear of fainting".
P.s i had a boy in 2009 also, very active and I feel guilty because when weathers nice all I want to do is take him hear there and everywhere BUT, when I'm out sometimes and I have those sensations I just give in and come home, is awful. My 9 year old daughter suffers also, she's used to me getting her up at weekends and doing stuff I was soooooooo active before the start of this year, it's so distressing, I feel like I've lost my life, I get bored, then sit stressing about doing school run, it's a nightmare.
Im happy that im not alone in feeling like this BUT sorry your feeling it too hun. what is your fear? mine is the actual passing out. Its soo hard isnt it but what we have to see is...WE ALL FEEL THE SAME... so proves its panic! hard to believe at times (like the night I had last night!) I will check out your post darling... its hard being a Mammy and like this isnt it.. Im scared it will effect Leighton BUT this isnt enough to "snap" me out of it, as I often get told to do :( if only it was that easy:hugs:
You know what MBUM, I am new to no mor panic and I have read a few posts and thought gosh that sounds like me BUT honestly I can not believe the way you've written the chain of events that happens to you right at the beginning of your post IS EXACTLY What I get!!!!!
Hot, dizzy, off balance , tingling almost lifeless limbs almost like I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm still alive, and an overwhelming sensation of collapse.
Aggravated by too much noise and excitement around me and everything too much some days. Like one lady above says even a trip to local shop is like going to outer space!
Anxiety and panic is unbelievable, I knew about panic attacks before, BUT my goodness it's unreal how they affect people. My experience if u want a read is on a comment I posted on " fear of fainting".
P.s i had a boy in 2009 also, very active and I feel guilty because when weathers nice all I want to do is take him hear there and everywhere BUT, when I'm out sometimes and I have those sensations I just give in and come home, is awful. My 9 year old daughter suffers also, she's used to me getting her up at weekends and doing stuff I was soooooooo active before the start of this year, it's so distressing, I feel like I've lost my life, I get bored, then sit stressing about doing school run, it's a nightmare.
27/07/2011
OMG what a night. Son went to bed early so made tea and was looking forward to spending some time with my other half just me and him, the sofa and telly. Ate tea and within half an hour i felt like i couldnt get my breath, tight chest, hot and cold sweats, shaking. Felt sick and had the runs.. when I was standing was going dizzy. I came and posted on here and was told it was typical panic symtoms.. now I dont normally get them THAT bad and from what i can see for no reason. Ended up going to bed (with the bucket!) and going to sleep with no problems.
Got up this morning and still feeling pretty pants. Ended up on chat and Mandy chatting to me to calm down as I was in tears and scared of being here just me and my son.. such a horrible feeling and I feel like a terrible mother :( feeling slightly better now then I did but still feel on edge like im waiting for another one coming?
Hi MBUM
The more I read stuff on this website just shocks the hell out of me?! Sooo frightening reading your post especially the last one! Gosh anxiety is soo flipping weird. I don't know what to say really, other than I hope your feeling a lot better! But these episodes seem to be so out of the blue, having a normal life seems impossible. I'm going through the breathing problem thing at the moment and I woke up tis morning although I felt ok and I just thought , what's the point! It's like every day something else is wrong with me and I try and carry on and just think what's the point.
It's the summer hols & ive got a 2 and a 9 year old and I'm doing as much as I can to keep them occupied and I feel like a bad mum too BUT where not! If we were that bad we wouldn't worry so much So were not bad mums at all!!
Glad in a way no school run!! Since I started with anxiety in feb it's been a nightmare, driving my daughter to and from school, it's only 4 minutes in the car if there's no traffic, but when I've been bad and on edge, going to and fro from school has been horrendous!
Take it easy, as I am today. I'm just fed up can't bluming believe what anxiety can do.
I think that once the switch for anxiety has been switched on, it's so hard to turn it off.even if we think were coping and are ok, are we really?
Take care Col X
Hey Col..
I think what upsets me so much this time as last time I was poorly like this it was only ever when I left the house where this time I was just sitting, nothing on my mind that I was thinking about.. and it hit me like a train! I never had the breathing thing till the other night mine was always feeling hot and like I was going to pass out... tbh that im used to and could deal with as I had a "safe" place when I came home... its the it hitting me from nowhere that I cant stand!
Its hard to not feel like a bad mam when my inlaws and rents take my son to all the places and things that I want to and should be taking him too it breaks my heart.
Are you taking any meds? im back to taking my propan everyday and it really helps! althou im finding come tea time its running out so have called my dr today to ask if I can take more then one a day and have to call back later!
We all need to stick together during this scary time.. the little bit of hope I am clinging onto is that I have won this fight before and I will win it again!!
Hugs darling xx
Ahh bless you thanks for that.
Re- earlier post, What scares me the most is the feeling that ive lost entire motion and control of my body and getting that overwhelming disorientation that I'm going to faint/ collapse. It's bloody awful.
But your most recent panic attack, I can really understand where your coming from. The fact that this one was completely undetected and so random, must be really frustrating and distressing. There you are having a nice night in, chilling, feeling ok THEN slap bang, you have the worst anxiety symptoms yet!!! AND u where at home.
So distressing for you, really do feel sorry for you U AND i hope to god u feel much better than you did that night. I can really relate to your symptoms generally, which are shocking enough to say the least BUT the last attack sounds soul destroying!
Sorry for dramatic words BUT I really do hope your feeling better.
The good thing is though, you've remained positive, we will get better, but I still find it hard to believe how bad the symptoms of anxiety are, can't believe it. I never thought anything like this would happen to me!!
Takecare and take it easy :hugs:
Ps got to take propanol
They gave it me last time BUT I know it sounds childish but I read the side effects and it said - breathing difficulties , so dared not to take it!
I'm a hopeless cause really , I'm a control freak.:weep:
Ps got to take propanol
They gave it me last time BUT I know it sounds childish but I read the side effects and it said - breathing difficulties , so dared not to take it!
I'm a hopeless cause really , I'm a control freak.:weep:
thats what im using, PLEASE take it!! its my magic pill and within half an hour of taking it I was "calm" and I was in a hell of a state before taking it.... im back to taking it full time, two 40mg tablets a day and it must be working as when its starting to run out I can feel my old anx symtoms coming back (ive actually come to update my diary to say how good they are!!) ive had very few side effects apart from a dry mouth and strange feeling now and again on my tounge but nothing major! both very much copeable and much pref to the anx symtoms!!
I struggled last time to believe these were all symtoms of anx and was worried I was really poorly but im back and feeling the same as I did then so proves they are anx! It has got to be one of the worst things ive delt with if im honest but find this site brilliant for support!
I never want to feel how I did the other night, but I also remember a time when I was poorly last time and I hit rock bottom, begging people not to leave me on my own as it scared me so much.. from that point thou I only went upwards... im hoping that was my "low" and im going to start going up now?
I quote you saying about your worries of being so out of control and like you are going to pass out? thats exactly like me!! im sooo scared of it its unreal. What we have to remember is we are scared of our own thoughts and nothing more which is what makes this so dam hard eh! I have never passed out during a panic attack so dont know why I think that!
When I went for CBT years ago the lady was telling me that when we are in the fight or flight mode we run home or to our safe place... once we get in there we believe thats why we have calmed down when infact if we had fought and stayed where we were the anx attack would of peaked and then come back down without going home... the problem is we believe its cause we are home or safe when infact its not... does that make sence... tried to word it as easy as possible.... I think we need to try and keep that in the front of our mind or at least I do lol :bighug1:
30.07.2011
I have started taking my propanalol 40mg twice a day. I was orginally told to take them as and when needed ie when leaving the house but my dr is thinking daily would be better and twice. I found when I was just taking one it was wearing off around tea time so this should work better for me.. Only side effects im finding is a slight dry mouth and odd feeling in my tounge but very easy to get over and nothing major...
Feeling alot better with them and they are def helping me.. dont feel anywhere near as panicky as I was and have been chilling out as much as possible!!!
IBS is painful again but i had about 2 days where I had very little to eat and with my anx having been high im guessing they are keys to this?!
generally thou I think im doing better... anyone worrying about taking propan please please do they work so well for me, and others that I have been reading on here, there is nothing to be scared off and im a HUGE worrier with side effects!
love to you all xx
02/08/2011
Well generally I think im doing better.. trying to think positive!! have been taking my meds twice a day and its def helping.. had a moment last night where I felt abit "off" sweats, clammy, feeling sick and then realised I had to run to loo so im thinking it was just my IBS. Inlaws had leighton yesterday and last night as my hips are really sore (from SPD when I was preg with my son!)
Found it hard to relax as such last night thou... sat night after putting leighton to bed I lay on the sofa and watched sex in the city 2 on sky... while sitting there is dawned on me that that was the first time I had felt that relaxed in a LONG time!! no fear, just chilled and it felt good!
One thing im sturuggling with at the moment is just feeling like I cant be bothered with anything I used to enjoy :( and cant seem to settle into anything as such... also keep questioning my sanity which annoys me alot.
welll...its been awhile since I posted in here so will try and do a quick update..
Sat night I managed a night out
Was my other half friends engagment party... Ive not had a night out since having my son due to no sitters and now my PA's but i made myself go tonight and not only that I did it without my tablets (i normally take two propan a day day but only took one this morning so it would of worn off by the time I went to the party.. more so to test myself)
I didnt know many people there so it was a big deal.. Was nerous going and was hard walking in at first and had to go outside at one point but stayed for 4 hours!! I even had a dance and didnt even have a drink just a coke so no dutch courage!
Im soo super proud of myself thats a hospital trip and a night out under my belt that i can build on.. starting to feel more like the old me..
Ive also stopped take my propan.. this is day two without any...I havent been out the house as was waiting on a courier BUT i was feeling Anx in the house in the past and touch wood nothing as yet!! tablets are there if I need them but so far im finally feeling like im turning a corner! :)
Believe in yourself and you really can do anything as corny and that sounds! I just wanna say the mind is very powerful but we need to start using it more for positive outcomes.. ive learnt from these past two trips out that thinking positive makes a HUGE difference and realising that people really dont care what ya doing!!
Havent posted for while as just had some time out to try and combat this head on. Ended in a HUGE argument with my other half and I finally admited alot more of how im feeling to him. So back to the drs I went. Propan was working really well for me to fight the actual side effects of anx but i was finding at times when I was standing up my vision was going black, im guessing cause of the lowered bloody pressure,
Anyway really explained to dr how I was feeling, about my fear of Anti-Ds after my experience with Cit at 40mg and he said I shouldnt have been given them at that amount.
Ive now been given 15mg of mirtazapine which the dr says is a better amount to me starting on.
Ive been pretty low and emotional and its really got the better of me at the moment. Im shattered ALL the time with it and could sleep all day, cant relax and generally shut off. Everything seems to be playing on my mind but then I have a lot on my mind as well...
I will keep fighting thou and try to get myself out as often as I have a "good" day and thanks to the argument with my oh have found it easier to explain to him how im feeling and I just hope he understands
having a REAL rough time
im on a real low point today.
I guess I need to admit how im feeling.
I feel like my head is going to explode, thinking thinking thinking. Close to tears pretty much all day. Im adjitated (sp) cant get my mind into anything I normally enjoy, cant relax, bad tempered, just want to sleep ALL the time feel sick pretty much all the time.. waves of anxiety, jittery feel confused and like i cant do things i normally do...
The dr has given me a script which i havent been and got yet and that im also scared to take which is also only 15mg which im guessing will take a while to work anyway..I dont wanna feel like this anymore :( I have a 2 year old to take care of with little to none help... hes poorly so ive had very little sleep for the past week and i just feel totally freaked out and shattered by it all
im actually scared of how im feeling and can honestly say to me it feels like im loosing control of my mind :( HELP
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just had a "moment" so came on to share.
Lee has only been gone 2 hours (he had a late start this morning) after a lovely morning here I am in bed watching mickey mouse with my son as I feel totally out of control. Im so bloody up and down its unreal... Waves of panic, then waves of emotion (one min sadness and I cry and the next min anger that im back here again)
I NEED to feel better now I cant go on like this much longer... its scaring me that im like this and soo different to how I was just afew months ago :( i try to take my mind off it by doing something else, sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt and when it doesnt i get worse n worse... somes times i feel like im confused and cant do simple things.
Nearly pay day and then I can get my new anti ds and give them a go
Havent been on for awhile to update time.
I have really hit a brick wall with my anx and depression and have finally started my meds. i went to stay with my parents while I started the medication incase of side effects. I was that scared to take them the dr told me to take half of a 15mg tablet for a week and then a full 15mg tablet there after. So far no real side effects apart from sleepy and at times feeling a wave of sickness..
Spent some time at my parents going out, having walks and trying to push myself.
My partner and me are having a few issues at the moment as he doesnt know how to help me and I get frustrated with him as I feel he isnt trying to understand...I keep telling myself it must be hard for outsiders looking in to understand. He doesnt really believe in mental issues of the mind but will admit im def not right and have def hit rock bottom of late.
I just want to be better im so exhausted by it all and hate being away from home and my partner but there isnt anyone here to help with my little one so have to stay at my rents and come back home at weekends.
Problem is im soo much better anx wise up there in my home town, im calmer, i can try to do things and go places where as when I come back at weekends i can feel the panic rising! x
Hi there.. I have just joined.. I feel the same when home not too bad. Then when I'm away I start to panic and get into such a state..I can't go to far at the mo.. Need to be close to home.. Which area are you In? God luck Hun.:hugs:
---------- Post added at 15:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------
Hi Hun.. Just read your other messages.. When you take your meds there will work but it will take time.. I was on 30mg to start 3 years ago then came down to 20 then10 But 6 weeks ago decided to stop all together... What a mistake. I am in the same boat I was in 3 years ago. I have to start all over again. It only takes 6 weeks for the drug to be out of you body. So for me having all the side affects I had before.. It's awful wish I had just stayed on them I was my normal self. Now I am different. My partner is so cross with me.. He says he has lost me again.. Look Hun if you need to talk let me know. You are not alone.
Dizzy_Dave
10-10-11, 17:27
My heart slows down when I panic so if I took a beta-blocker like you guys I would be in all sorts of trouble..
Hi there.. I have just joined.. I feel the same when home not too bad. Then when I'm away I start to panic and get into such a state..I can't go to far at the mo.. Need to be close to home.. Which area are you In? God luck Hun.:hugs:
---------- Post added at 15:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------
Hi Hun.. Just read your other messages.. When you take your meds there will work but it will take time.. I was on 30mg to start 3 years ago then came down to 20 then10 But 6 weeks ago decided to stop all together... What a mistake. I am in the same boat I was in 3 years ago. I have to start all over again. It only takes 6 weeks for the drug to be out of you body. So for me having all the side affects I had before.. It's awful wish I had just stayed on them I was my normal self. Now I am different. My partner is so cross with me.. He says he has lost me again.. Look Hun if you need to talk let me know. You are not alone.
hey and thanks for your reply! my panic was getting worse for awhile and was even feeling it in the house, it was horrible. But im gettin there like u say its just going to take time. Im thinking of starting to up my anti d dose from 7.5mg to 15mg but not sure when to start... have been taking the 7.5mg for a week now...
---------- Post added at 13:45 ---------- Previous post was at 13:44 ----------
My heart slows down when I panic so if I took a beta-blocker like you guys I would be in all sorts of trouble..
aww thats a shame as they really help... are u taking anything or spoke to the dr bout it? x
Evening all.... its been awhile but thought I would do an update.
On the huge grand scale of things im doing a zillion times better. Dont get me wrong im not "fixed" but my meds are really helping me. Just over christmas my meds seemed to leve out (i was on 30mgs of mirt) so dr has now upped me to 45mgs of mirt and they are working again.
There are loads of things I still cant do but loads I can do now. I dont sit in fear of what the say will bring and enjoy it more. I do get the odd moment of panic, which is normally when im over tired but generally life is going better.
We had a very stressful two weeks in december when we bought our new house and someone was trying to out bid up and before mirt I wouldnt have coped well with it at all but I did and i can see a huge change in myself.
I just wanted to add some positive to my thread, reading back I can really see how much ive come on and would incorage everyone to keep a diary like this so u can look back and give youself a boost when you see how well and how far you have come!!
Well after my crash of stopping my meds im happy to post im feeling abit better. I have had my moments dont get me wrong and im actually only taking half of my 45mg tablet so all in all quite happy with the way things are going. Im due to call my dr back as he felt I wasnt getting the help that I needed so will see where that goes...
Ive just bought self help for your nerves by dr claire weekes and having a good read of that and she seems to know what shes talking about so far... was a bargain at only £3.00 posted from amazon
im bumping my journey back up as due to start taking Citralopram as an add in with my Mirtazapine as me and the dr both feel its not working as well as it was... plus ive gone from a size 12 to a size 16! so thought i would bump this up so I can find it to post my cit experience
Well last night was my first night of my reduced dose of mirt and my first cit....
I was freaking out all day about taking the cit as last time it didnt agree with me...
well I only took half the tablet last night and felt panic when I went to bed but this is actually common for me at night time so I played some games on my phone and managed to calm down and then get to sleep.... So far today Ive felt slightly sick, bad head (again common for me anyway) but actually slightly more with it then normal and was more alert this morning!
chuckiesback
27-08-12, 16:43
i'll be honest i've not read the whole of your diary but just wanted to say what a great idea you came up with to post your diary on here!!!
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